Monday, December 31, 2007

In Miami

Hey Guys!



I'm in Miami, leaving tomorrow to drive home. Haven't been on my blog or checked anyone's blogs so I hope everyone is well. I will catch up on Thursday.



Happy New Year!

"The Palm" is loving the palms!!

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Christmas night

I had a nice Christmas minus the fact that I gained 500 pounds! I got back to my place, after a hellish train ride, and ran down and up seven flights of stairs. I was dying when I got to top so I only did it once. Blah. I'm going to the gym early in the morning and then I'll be in a car all day. I need to lose the 500 pounds I gained in 2 days.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas everyone!! (My dad is singing Santa Claus is Coming to Town). We usually get up and open presents but it's a little different this year. It's just my parents and me so we're waiting until my sister gets here with her family. My brother stayed at his house this year, down south.

So, this is it. I've gained 1.3 pounds since yesterday. Love that. More freaking food today and then off to NY and then Florida. I may go for a run this morning because there's nothing else to do, though it's only 26 degrees out. So, maybe I won't go for a run. If I'm feeling nasty when I get back to the city I can run up and down my stairs a million times, okay, more like one because I'll get bored.

Anyway, hope you all have a Merry Christmas!

Monday, December 24, 2007

Christmas Eve!

This is my favorite night of the year. I love the peacefulness of it. The tree, the lights, the music. I love it.

My day started off at the gym, as usual. I worked out and then taught a "killer" class. That's always nice to hear. I have to say, it was a lot of fun and I would have gone for another hour. It was a good workout too. I miss teaching! Hopefully I'll get a teaching job in NYC.

So I walked into the gym and saw my good friend H. I love her. She had just finished teaching a spin class and was standing with two other ladies. She told me I was too skinny and asked if I was eating, right in front of the women (whom I also know). I wasn't really too fond of that. They left and she proceded to ask me if I was eating and how much I weight and how things were going with Charro. We talked for a minute, but it really wasn't the time or place. She did say that "you may have gotten rid of your mom but you haven't gotten rid of me." (Meaning that I may have moved out but she is still watching over me and making sure that I'm ok).

I ended up meeting up with her a couple hours later at a coffee place. We chatted a bit more and I told her what Charro said about the 100 pound thing and she said that she wasn't going to let me teach until I was 100 lbs. Whatever, not like anyone will know if I'm 100 pounds or not.

I love H. to death and she cares so much about me. I don't know why I feel so comfortable talking to her, but I do. I would have liked to talk to her longer but we both had things to do. Hmm, actually I think I'll email her now.

If I don't get a chance to write again, I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas!!!

love, me

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Awkward moment

(And 3rd post for the day)

I was at the grocery store, and not happy about it because I wanted to kill the bitch who took my parking spot in the crazy-ass parking lot (Now I see why people get into fights and shoot people in parking lots this time of year). Anyway, not the point of this. I saw this woman from who used to go to my gym and haven't seen in a while. She said, "You look so skinny. Is everything okay?"

Um, awkward. My answer, "Yes, I just moved to NYC and I can't afford to eat."

Going down

Obviously there are "fluctuations" in our weight, according to Sarah's Aamina and Charro, except they only seem to saw there are "fluctuations" when we gain weight, but when we lose weight, we're disordered! Hmm...

So, I lost a little weight, but I'm sure it's just a "fluctuation." Now, (and probably just for two seconds) I have 2 pounds to gain to make Charro happy. Either that or I lie to her. However, I'm sure that I'll gain weight over the next few days with all of the Christmas food!

I'm off to the gym.

I'll be home for Christmas

I stared out my window for about 25 minutes Friday night. I just did nothing but stared. I didn't want to think. I tried not to think. I just sat there and listened to my "slow country mix," aka "the depressed mix." (I wasn't in the best of moods that night). It was nice an peaceful.
Today, I'm getting ready to go home for Christmas. I have a lot to do when I get home, including packing for my trip to Florida on Wednesday. Yes, The Palm is going to see some palms!! Yay!! I also have to make some more fudge and bake whatever else I deem necessary to bake.
(my mini xmas tree)
Last night I made brownies for the Christmas Tree Guys (CTGs) at the end of my block. I love them and love talking to them. They, actually just one of them really, cheers me up. I enjoy the conversation, and he's pretty cute. Jerome is from Quebec and Francois is from B.C. I like J. the best. We talk everyday so I'm going to miss him when he's gone. :( He's going back home to his wife and 2 kids, whom I bet he can't wait to get back to.
So that's that. I think I'll get on an earlier train and go to the gym at home rather than working out here. I guess I should get ready, if that's my plan.

Friday, December 21, 2007

The Ultimatum

Well, I guess it was bound to happen but I'm not happy about it and I don't quite get it...Charro gave me an ultimatum today: You need to weigh xxx by the next time I see you or I can't continue to work with you. I can't work with you at this weight because you're not working on your eating disorder. If you get to xxx then we can work on other things." UGH!!! First of all she said "your eating disorder" way too many times today. Not only that, she then said "you're anorexia is getting worse." Um, no "it's" not and I do not have anorexia. Ugh!!!

Clearly, not a great day in Charroville. I put my jacket over my face and of course she wanted to know why I did that. Why? Because I HATE talking!! I am not good at it and I hate doing it and I would much rather write than talk!! Maybe I should quit therapy if I don't want to talk. I honestly just wanted to sit there and not talk anymore. I should have. Ugh!!

So I have two weeks to get to Charro's goal weight for me. It's not like I have a lot of weight to gain but I don't see why I have to gain any weight. I'm not unhealthy. She seems to think, well, I don't really know what she seems to think. She said xxx is the very low side of what she wants me at and she really wants me at another number and wants me to stay there. It's not like I'm going to pass out anytime soon. I just don't get it.

So, with that said, here are my options. Just don't weigh myself, which is what I said to her. That way I don't have to tell her how much I weigh. Or, weigh myself and not tell her that I've weighed myself unless I hit the "magic number." Or weigh myself and tell her I did hit the "magic number" even if I didn't. The only problem is that I don't think lying is a really good option. Blah!! I'm sure I'll have more to say about this later.

To top it off, I came home to TWO friggen cockroaches!! [ARGH] I went out and bought roach killer and sprayed everywhere. Please, someone may have to commit me sometime soon.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Happy

It feels really nice to be home. I'm happy. I got off the train last night and my town looked so quaint and pretty with all the Christmas decorations and white candles in the window. I live in a historic town and everyone decorates so elegantly here. I love it and I miss it. White lights everywhere, bags with candles in them leading to peoples' front doors. I love it.

I also bought my favorite tea last night. I got it last year and forgot it was a decaf green tea until I read the box again last night. (I bought some last week and just thought it was herbal tea). It's Candy Cane decaf green tea and I LOVE IT!! I'm going to buy out the store!!

I have my office Christmas party tonight. Let's hope I don't eat "too" much. Let's hope Charro is feeling better so I get to see her tomorrow. Let's hope I don't gain any weight.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Much better

I am home. I went to dinner with some friends and then to the grocery store and then made fudge. Now it's time for bed.

I love Bertha!! I got off the train, got home, changed my clothes and weighed myself and left. Of course I had time to give some kisses to my kids. I'm holding one of them now. Bertha did not let me down. I weighed less than I thought I did and even if it's wrong, I don't care. I am going by what my scale here says. I don't like my new on in NY. I like Bertha!! Of course, I am happy with my weight, Charro on the other hand, won't be. But, maybe I should tell her what I weigh according to B2 (NY scale) and I can go by what Bertha says. I like what Bertha says. Even after eating a huge dinner I am still happy with it. To think, I put myself through such misery last night and this morning because of my stupid scale at my apartment. I think that thing needs to go back to Target.

I just got really tired so I'm going to bed. I have a busy day tomorrow!

My little runaway

I'm going to the gym and running. Running and running and running. Why? Because my stupid scale sucks ass and gives me all these dumb readings. So according to my stupid scale, I gained weight while I was sleeping. I guess it was more like it lied to me last night. So, I'm clearly not a happy person this morning. WTF? Ugh. I just don't understand it. I don't get it and I hate it. Ugh!

I guess I should FFJ this but I really don't want to. To make things worse, I have to go out to dinner tonight and tomorrow night. I hate eating.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

WW III

I'm freaking out for some reason tonight and I don't know why. Well, I ate too much and I hate it. I just weighed myself and I gained almost 3 lbs, but I just drank a ton too so know it's not really weight, but still. I'm drinking tea like it's going out of style right now. It would be quite a shame if I happened to drink too much and then threw up accidentally. I'm sure that won't happen but the thought crossed my mind. I don't know what's going on or why I'm freaking out. I want to go for a run. I want to not eat. I don't know why I did eat. I walked around for over two hours this afternoon and the whole time I was walking back to my place my brain was fighting with itself...Do I stop and get something to eat? No, just go home, you have food there you can eat. Besides, you have to eat dinner tomorrow and Thursday so you don't need to eat it tonight. I went in a few delis and came out with nothing, finally I decided upon a slice of pizza, which I took the cheese off and ate. Then I had some veggies which I had made last night and some pretzels. Ugh, what's up with that? Why? Why did I eat so much? I'm hating myself right now and I hate that. I need to workout extra hard tomorrow. I just want to scream. Why do I do this to myself. It's not like I didn't get a great workout this morning and then I'm sure I burned a lot more calories walking this afternoon. Ugh, if I had Charro tonight, I wouldn't have been home to eat and it would have been much better.

I need to figure out something to do right now before I go insane. Clearly, I didn't feel like making paragraphs.

No Charro today

Charro cancelled for this evening as she is ill. Actually, she left me a message while I was at the gym. How apropos! I had NO idea who it was until she said her name. She sounded horrible. I actually couldn't help but laugh at how funny her voice sounded, and I don't mean that in a mean way. It was just funny, though I do feel bad for her because she sounds like she's dying.

I, however, did not die (Thank God) of Carbon Monoxide poisoning and I awoke to a beautiful sunrise.



I was actually not sure how I felt about going to see Charro tonight. I did have a lot to talk about and didn't at the same time. I didn't/don't really feel like talking about my weight and stuff because she wants me to gain weight and I did gain a pound but now it's gone again, thank God. The problem is that I don't want to gain any weight and she's not going to like the sounds of that. I mean really, why do I have to gain weight anyway? My weight is fine where it is. I'm not wasting away. Okay, so maybe I have to not really eat that much to keep it here but such is life. Oh well.

Okay, now I need to do some work before heading out to do some Christmas shopping.

I woke up...

So I'm off to a good start.

Off to the gym...for 6 days.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Let's hope

I think that my problems here are fixed. Let's hope because I really do want to wake up tomorrow morning. My super moved my carbon monoxide detector and it's not beeping at me. He also fixed my stove because he said there was a smell, which I though I smelled too, not that it was CO because that doesn't have a smell.

So my mom emailed me and asked if I was going to sleep with my window open a bit. I'm not, though maybe I should. I am a little scared about the whole carbon monoxide thing. What if the detector isn't really working. The more I think about it, the more scared I get. I'm afraid, what if I don't wake up in the morning? I guess I wouldn't know the difference but I'm still scared. Maybe I should crack the window.

Now onto lighter topics. I'm hungry and I don't want to eat. What's up with that? Well, I know what's up with that. I don't want to gain weight. I have Charro tomorrow and I'm supposed to gain weight but I don't want to. So, what do I do instead, not eat when I'm hungry. I did have dinner and then a snack after too, two snacks actually, so why am I still hungry? I have no clue. I know I don't like it though.

That's my night in a nutshell.

No, seriously...

I woke up this morning with a headache and feeling really tired. I thought, gee that's weird. So I decided to change the batteries in my carbon monoxide detector. Well, I put new ones in and thing red light started blinking and the beep started beeping and the notification was telling me to "go to fresh air." Sweet, nothing like carbon monoxide poisoning to start your day off. Thank God I woke up, that's all I have to say!!!! Now, I don't know for sure that there is CO in my apartment, but I am having it checked out. Let's just hope the super really checks it out and doesn't half ass it or just put in old (dead) batteries so it doesn't beep. Needless to say, I am going to buy new batteries to put in there before I head back over there to make sure he didn't just blow off the whole situation.

After I got back to the gym, I showered and left to go to a friend's. I took the batteries out so I didn't have to hear the annoying beeping, but put them back in before I left so everyone else could hear it. I ran into some lady in the hall and she was like "what's the beeping sound?" So I said, "Oh, that's my carbon monoxide detector" and told her what happened. She said that her husband thought he smelled a gas-like smell. Well, maybe he did but it wasn't CO because you can't smell or see it. It's the "silent killer."

Let's hope that all is taken care of, including my blown out lights and messed up sink, by the time I get back. Really though, I don't want any CO in my apartment because I would like to live a lot longer. It was kind of scary.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

The saga continues

My heat is off again so I called the weekend super and I couldn't understand a single thing he said to me. I think he may be coming over here but I'm not really sure. I have no clue, literally NO CLUE what he said to me.

I'm tired, I'm cold and I'm getting fat again. I do NOT like the getting fat again part, that's for sure. Ugh, I need to work on that. Right now I'm at the weight Charro wants me to be at but I'm not satisfied with it and I don't want to be at this weight. Perhaps in the morning I won't be, but who knows. I've definitely gained a pound over the past few days and I want it to go away. I better start doing some more working out and walking around this big ole city. Less eating would probably help too.

I need to do something productive now, since I haven't all day.

I hear heat!!!

The heat JUST came back on!!! It better stay on or I will throw myself off the fire escape and I'm on the 7th floor. Maybe I'll take B2 (Bertha 2) with me!

My life is "hellish"

Charro always tells me that my life is "hellish." Well, she's right. I have NO heat or hot water and I'm freezing. I'm just loving life, for so many reasons right now.

Saturday, December 15, 2007

UGH!

My mom asked me to clean out some drawers in the bathroom. I did, sort of. She came home and nagged and complained and was saying stuff and said "You moved out!" I said, "It's not like I'm dead" and she said, "I know you're not dead" and I said, "Maybe you'd like me to be!" She said, "What?" and I ignored her.

UUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH. I cannot take her. We are at each other's throats all the time now. Get me on a freaking train out of here...NOW!!!!!!

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Tree disaster

Our Christmas tree is ugly. It's too small. It has a ton of bald spots. It's crooked. It fell over and all the water spilled on the carpet. I hate our ugly tree. I want a new one. Why did we chop this one down? Because we couldn't find anything big enough, good enough and one suitable enough for our family room. Okay, that's how I felt, not my father and that's how I still feel. I don't like our ugly tree. It's too small!! I am angry with it. I am annoyed with my mother. I am in a bad mood. I need to go back to my apartment. I need to be alone. I need a new Christmas tree.
I have to clean my room, to appease my nagging, annoying mother. I have to shovel the ice, sleet, snow off the driveway so I can please myself and get a workout. I have to bake for my sister's party tomorrow. I have to make pizza for my parents for dinner. I have to do laundry. I just made dinner for myself and I don't even want it. It's baking.
That is my afternoon/evening in a nutshell. Maybe (hopefully) tomorrow will be better.

Weather madness

I just went to the grocery store (I'm home by the way) and it was total madness because we're going to get snow. Oooh! I love how people freak out and have to rush to the grocery store because they think they're going to be house bound for six months when it snows. Hello, this is New England...it does snow here. Shocker!

I got some food for my place, since I don't have any. I think that will make Charro happy, though I just got a couple yogurts, some frozen veggies, grapefruit, and low fat graham crackers. What she won't be happy with, and I have until Tuesday to get it back up to at least where it was on Tuesday, is my weight. It kind of doesn't make sense to me. I actually ate three meals yesterday and my dinner was huge and at 8:3o last night because I was at a party. I was sure that I had gained like 3 pounds and I didn't gain a pound. I was stuffed. I don't know how I woke up at 4 this morning, to go to the bathroom, and felt hungry again. How could I be hungry when I had eaten such a large meal and so late at night? Just proves my theory that eating makes you hungry. Ew!

I got to work out at my gym this morning and it was nice to see everyone. H. asked if I was eating and asked if I had lost weight because she said I looked like I did. I was honest with her. I also told her that I'm not trying to lose weight. I don't know how it's happening, but it is. I'm okay with that it is right now, Charro, on the other hand isn't, and she really wouldn't be if she knew that I lost weight (though not a significant amount) since I saw her Tuesday. Oh dear. I just don't want to gain weight. That's all. I'm back at the weight I was when I first saw Charro. I had gained it back and then lost 5 pounds in the past two to three months. (that is the worst English ever but whatever).

K, I need to do work.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

We love sesssiioonnss

Ugh, I have to go to the gym and I don't feel like it. I was awake from 4:45 AM until 6 AM. That sucked. I'm pretty tired and don't feel like working out, but I've gotta do it.

So, Charro last night. I don't really have much to say about it, but Sarah asked. :) I guess it was okay. I was having hot flashes and thought I was going to pass out. I got in trouble for putting my jacket over my face. She said, "You need to take that off of you. I can't see you." I said, "Is that bothering you?" and she said, "Yes" and asked why I liked it over my head and I responded with "Because I can close my eyes." She said, "Are you trying to sneak a nap in during our sesssssiiiioooonnn?" I said "no" and she said, "You know we don't have to talk." I told her I wanted to talk but I didn't have anything to talk about. She, once again, disagreed with that. I told her that she needed to give me a subject to talk about so she said "Let's talk about your eating. What's going on with it?" Okay, so I get that question from her everytime I go there. Nothing's happening with it. It stays the same. She wanted to know why I was scared of food. I also told her that I bought a scale (and opened it). She wanted to know why because "we had talked about not buying one." Well, I failed that one.

I guess it was a good "sesssssiiiiooonnn." (I still HATE that word). I always start talking more the second half and then wish I could just stay longer. I'm seeing her twice next week since she's not working Christmas week, which is fine because I will be away that week anyway. I like seeing her twice in one week. I think I start to feel more comfortable and tend to talk more.


Oh, she said that once we get past the food and behaviors, we can get to the underlying issues. I was like "do there always have to be underlying issues?" She said, "Not always, but we've touched on yours a bit." I was like, "oh, what are they?" Apparently I don't think I'm "good enough."

I asked her for a copy of my "notes" too so she's going to bring them to me. Yes! She obliged quite quickly too. I was like wow, that was easy.

Okay, I've gotta go run now.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Complaints

I'm in a yucky mood today and I don't really know why. Could be the roach from last night, or my kitchen lights that blew out again when I just replaced them on Friday, or the fact that my fake Christmas tree is crooked, or the fact the I need to find an aerobics teaching job. Eh, could be those things.

I'm going to rebel and not shave my legs today. Why? Because I don't feel like it. Why is my tree crooked? I need to more Christmas decorations for my place. I need to go to the drug store (not the one by me because it's not as good as the other one) to get some more stuff, not to mention some roach killer. So far I've only seen one, let's hope it stays that way.

I need to take a shower. I need to do some more work. I need to get off this chair because my ass is hurting. I need my couch to be delivered tomorrow morning so I can get on a train to go home for a Christmas party.

I think I'm done complaining for now.

I have Charro tonight. Wonder if I'll talk...

Monday, December 10, 2007

I might die

Ew, Ew, Ew. I'm going to cry or die or throw up. A roach crawled out near me and I'm going to die.

Sunday, December 09, 2007

Bertha two

Okay, so I just bought another scale. It's not exactly the one I wanted but it's similar. Ugh. I'm torn. I want to open it and weigh myself but I don't want to open it and weigh myself. I'm not going to open it tonight. I'd like to not open it until after Tuesday if possible. I want to see if I can do this. I know I can, there's just a small part of me that doesn't want to; the part that really wants to know my weight right now.

Ugh, I have so much energy I need to expend right now. I think I'll hang up some Christmas lights. I don't want to weigh myself. I don't want to give in. I feel guilty for buying the scale.

It's all a bunch of stupid crap, if you really think about it. Life is way more important than this.

Saturday, December 08, 2007

There's no place like home

I came home today. I know, I only moved out two days ago and now I'm home. I had to come home for two reasons; to get our Christmas tree and for this party I go to every year. I am not happy with our tree this year. There weren't any big ones at the place and a lot of them were brown, so I had to chop down the best one I could find. I'd say it's only about 9 feet tall. :(.

I went to go see my nephew play basketball this morning. That was very cute. Then my dad and I came home, had lunch, went and got the tree, then my mom and I went shopping for some apartment essentials. Of course the first thing I did when I got how was run to my cats. (I bet you thought I was going to say scale). No no, that was the second thing I did. Just as I suspected, I lost weight. I didn't try to, I just have been really busy and not really eating all that much. Plus, I don't really have any food in my place.

Which brings me to my sesssssiiiioooon with Charro on Friday, in her new-new office. She asked if I had gone grocery shopping and I was like "I haven't even thought about going, to be honest with you. It never crossed my mind." She was like, "Um, any plans on going?" I was "I'm going to go at home," which I was planning on doing but didn't have time to do. Then she felt the need to ask me what I weigh. Um, that's always fun these days. Then she said, "We really need to come up with a number for you to be at. I think you need to be 102, and that's on the low end. I repeat, that's the low end and you need to be there by next week." I was like, "But I'm seeing you on Tuesday and that's only 4 days away." So she said that I needed to be at at least 100 by Tuesday. However, I don't have a scale there so I won't know if I'm there or not. :)

Now I must get ready to go to a Christmas party. So, I probably should shower.

Hope you're all well. I'm not on my computer much these days. No time. I'm still unpacking, organizing, and building furniture. :)

Thursday, December 06, 2007

The BIG day

I turned 30 (wow, that's really weird) and I moved into my new place.

I wasn't going to post tonight but I will. I can't believe that I'm 30. That is really weird. I feel like I'm supposed to be an adult now or something. I don't like it.

I'm laying in my new bed, which my dad bought me last night. I LOVE my dad, and am wiped. It's weird being here by myself, not knowing anyone in the building and not having my cats around. I really miss them but I will get to see them Saturday. They're not moving here until January.

My mom cried when she left today. She proceeded to cry several other times too. That made me sad.

Anyway, I haven't FFJed all day so I better do that before bed.

THANK YOU all for your birthday wishes. I've obviously been pretty busy so I haven't been on the computer much.

xoxo

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Just great!

So, I have no bed. The only thing that I did have and now I don't. I was going to go pick it up tonight from my uncle's storage place, he went to it today and saw that it wasn't there and then remembered that they gave it to my other uncle. So, now I'm freaking bedless. I might as well sleep in a friggen cardboard box outside my apartment. Oh happy day!

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

So, I've decided...

(for now at least), that I'm sick of therapy and don't want to go anymore. I mean, what's the point? I hate talking and I don't talk, so why should I go? It's not like I'm trying to change anything either. Granted there are some days that I do feel like talking, but those are few and far between. I'm sure Charro is sick of me anyway.

Monday, December 03, 2007

Good news, and some other stuff

First the good news. I brought my Squish to the vet. I called and left a message for the doctor on her voicemail, she called back and told me she'd squeeze us in. So, 40 minutes later we were at the vet, she was looked at and given the okay!! I was feeling one of the stitches underneath her skin. It didn't feel like the other stitches and it was much higher up so I was concerned. The doc gave me good news though. YAY!! I am SOOOOO relieved!!! You don't even know.

On to other stuff. Um, I think I lost weight, but not really a lot. I don't know how but I did, but now I feel like I ate a lot today (well, not a lot) so I'm sure I've gained the weight back. I don't really care. I'm not trying to lose weight. Charro said to me the other day, "So are you on a big weight loss kick?" I was like "No, I'm really not trying to lose weight." So, I guess for Charro's questioning sake, let's hope I don't drop anymore weight before Friday because she will definitely ask how much I weigh. It's her new favorite question. Come to think of it though, I won't have my scale in my new place, though I'm planning on buying one. Maybe that will be what I do on Friday morning, go buy a new scale. I just want to find a good one, one just like the big B. (Bertha). So, I guess if I don't have a scale, I can't tell Charro what I weigh because I really won't know.

Which brings me to this; I really think I'm going to have an issue with the whole eating thing in NY. I tend to not eat if there's no food around and I don't know how often I'll really feel like cooking because I won't have the supplies, and I don't want to waste my money ordering out all the time. So, it could be interesting. My goal, surprisingly enough, is not to go there and starve myself. Yes, it used to be but it's not anymore. I'm just afraid that that might happen. With that said, I do NOT want to gain an ounce.

So, that's my concern. Something I've talked to Charro about but maybe something we should revisit.

Now, I think I will look for scales online. :)

I move on Thursday, also my 30th birthday. Fun stuff!! :)

Sunday, December 02, 2007

Not again

I was feeling my cat's leg and I felt a bump. Ugh...I can't do this again. I'm calling the vet in the morning. It's not near the stitches or scar tissue.

Ugh....

And I'm on

(Because I was "off" in my last post).

I'm back from NY. What a full weekend. I arrived on Friday for my appointment with Charro. I got there and I was in a bit of a bad mood because when I got off the subway I didn't know how to get to her office (yes, again). So, when I got there she was like "It's our last time in this office." I said, "Thank God. I hate this stupid place." She was like "Okay, I sense that you're a bit grumpy today." I was like "No, I just don't know how to get here when I get off the subway and it's really annoying and I hate it. At least I know how to get to your new (the new, new) office.

Our session sucked. I didn't have anything to talk about. She questioned why I was moving my leg. "Are you trying to burn calories?" "No, I just don't like sitting still!" I kind of progressively got in a worse mood as our sesssionnn went on. I left and I said, "Now I'm in a bad mood." I was in a bad mood until Saturday.

Saturday my friend and I did a little shopping. I bought a dress and a couch for my new apartment. I had some caffeine so I was REALLY hyper and loving it. I think I like caffeine. Went back to her place and baked, unsuccessfully so I might add. Then we got ready to head out for my b-day celebration. A bunch of us, including my sister and her husband went to dinner. Then we went to karaoke and a couple other friends met us there. It was so great. My sis and her hubby came into the city, and she hates the city, just for the celebration. That was nice of them. (Ugh, a motherly interruption. She's f'n pissing me off and I'm NOT listening to her.)

Okay, my friends are great! I love them. They were all so nice to come out and have some fun with me. (My mom's still talking and I'm not listening.) Okay, let me rephrase that, they're not all that great because they forced me to do shots. I didn't get wasted and I only did like maybe shots and I didn't like them one bit. I don't need alcohol, and I don't need the calories.

So, it was a fun night. I had a good time with everyone and it will be nice when I live there and can hang out with everyone more often. So, I thank my friends, not that they're reading this. Love em!

I'm tirrrrreeeed!

Friday, November 30, 2007

I'm off

Off to New York for the weekend. I'll write when I get a chance. Charro today, party tomorrow.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Sweating it out...not really

I should have stayed in bed. I thought about it, but I got up and went to the gym and barely peddled away on the bike for an hour. Sometimes working out makes me feel better, today it didn't. Ugh, I feel worse and my face and hair said it all this morning. I didn't even care that my hair was sticking straight up when I left the house, though that's usually what it's doing when I go to the gym anyway. Tylenol Cold is a lovely thing!!

I just want/need to sleep. I have to go see some clients and do a little apartment shopping with my sister. Then, I will come home and sleep. I've been drinking two Emergen-C's a day in hopes of knocking this cold out of me, but I think it's here and not going anywhere. Everyone's sick so it was bound to happen to me. I'm sure kissing my sick nephews didn't help. :) I need to be better by Saturday though. I can't sing sounding funny like this.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

There's nothing like...

sitting on the couch watching a sad movie when you're sick.

Weighing on my mind

I think this whole having to report my weight to Charro thing is weighing on my mind a bit. Come on, it is really necessary? I'm not underweight. I'm not trying to lose weight. (I also do not want to gain any). I'm thinking that she doesn't need to know what I weigh all the time. After all, she's the one that says our weight fluctuates all the time so there are bound to be differences in my weight week to week.

Eh, I'm just scared there's going to be an ultimatum. I guess I will find out Friday what she's going to come up with. If she tells me that I need to gain weight and weigh a certain amount, I will stop weighing myself so I don't have to follow that rule. That way I really won't know what I weigh.

That may be the wrong attitude, but I refuse to willingly gain weight. It's not happening. Enough said!

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Geez in a box

I just got back from my "phone sesssssiiioooon" with Charro. She mentioned me sitting down and confronting my parents about them reading my FFJ and my reaction was pretty much as follows...I DON'T THINK SO!!!! Not in a million years would I do that. Okay, not happening. I'm just not going there. That's when I told her that I'm much better with the whole avoidance and denial thing. I'm the queen.

So, I don't feel any better/less stressed about them (most likely) reading my FFJ. There was one huge highlight to our "sesssiiioonn" though. She said "Geez in a box." Now, that won't make sense to anyone but it was really funny to me because at one point she wrote "geez" in my FFJ and put a box around it so I have turned it into a saying; "Geez in a box." She said it and I cracked up.

I guess I should rewind and say what led up to her saying that. I said something and then said what she would say in response to what I said. She said, "You've got the down. You don't even need me. Just sit in front of a mirror and you can have your own session with yourself.' I went on to say a few of her favorite sayings and she said "I need to copy write those. Like Geez in a box." I loved it. That made my night.

It was all okay until she asked me how much I weigh. I kind of skirted around it for a second. (Is it skirted or skated? Skated makes more sense). I said "around 100." She said "100 point what?" I said "Not really that." She said, "Are you under 100?" I said "I'm around 100." and she said "I know you know the exact number. What are you?" Well, just as I suspected, she didn't like the answer and said, "You need to gain weight. We'll have to come up with a number when we talk on Friday." (Dead silence on my end). "I guess you're having a reaction to that." I said, "I'm always having a reaction." Great, she better not give me any ultimatums. Maybe I will just stop weighing myself so I don't have to report my weight to her. That's the only way, unless I want to start lying to her (which I don't), though I don't plan on losing any weight. I also don't plan on gaining any weight and I know that's what she wants me to do. I'm not going down that road, that's for sure. I have a feeling she's going to come up with a number that I'm NOT going to approve of. Blah.

On another note, I'm not moving this week. Found that out tonight. I don't know when I'm moving in, sometime next week apparently. Well, it can't be Monday or Tuesday so we shall see.

That's all for now. I am going to NYC this weekend. I have to see Charro on Friday and then I'm going out with a bunch of my friends for my b-day. Yay. My sis and her hubby are coming too.

Monday, November 26, 2007

4 more days???

My parents are driving me IN-fucking-SANE!! I have no idea when I'm moving because no one from the place I rented the apartment from has gotten back to me about anything. It's a real problem because I have to make all my moving plans and get my cable and shit like that set up.

In about 5 seconds I'm going to completely explode on someone. My mother better shut up or it's going to land right on her. Can't I just say "Shut the fuck up and leave me alone. I'll deal with it!!!" Would that be so wrong? I am a big girl and can take care of myself. If I need there help, I will ask for it.

She was like "Did you clean out your desk drawers?" Um, no. It's not like my desk is coming with me so why do I need to clean it out. It's still my room. She wants to move everything around in there and do all this stuff. I'll still be sleeping in it 2 nights a week. I'm sure she'd love to go through my draws. Why not, she apparently goes through everything else. Maybe I should write something really juicy in my FFJ. She'd love that. WTF?!?!

Ugh, I need Charro now...and everyday for the rest of my week. Actually, I think a punching bag would probably be more beneficial. I need to get out of here!

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Dustballs in my throat

I'm scared to be alone with my parents. I fear that they're going to bring up things I've written in my FFJ and start asking me all sorts of questions. I don't want them ever to mention anything about eating disorders. There's no need to discuss anything.

Thanksgiving was a little different for me this year. Knowing that my parents are now aware of "my eating disorder," I kept wondering if they were wondering how I was doing with the whole food situation. I felt like my dad was watching me. At one point he asked a simple "how are you doing?" but it seemed like he meant it in a more in depth way. I think this was while we were sitting around the table.

It sucks to think that my parents have to worry about whether or not I'll eat. I wonder if they worry if I will starve myself to death. I really have NO intentions of doing that. I don't want to do that because I love living. I'm not even trying to lose weight, though I guess I have lost a little weight as of late. I guess that could be stress related. Funny thing is, Charro said the other day that she's wants me to report my weight to her and she said she's going to keep track of it every month. Let's just hope she doesn't ask me what it is on Tuesday when I talk to her. (that's if it doesn't go up from what it is right now, which it probably will). I don't think she'd be happy with my answer. Oh well, not something I can worry about right now. It's not like it really matters. It doesn't make a difference. My weight is fine where it is.

Anyway, I've done some cleaning and organizing for my move and now I feel like I have dustballs in my throat because I was in the basement for a bit. Gotta love that feeling. Now I'm just waiting for my third load of laundry to get done so I can stick it in the dryer.

I also took a nap today, which was nice. I keep waking up at like 6 AM for no reason. I hate that. I wake up at 6:30 during the week and I've had 4 days where I could sleep in but my body/mind wouldn't let me. I hate that.

I was hoping Christmas Vacation would be on tonight but it's not. I do have the DVD so I guess I can watch it whenever I want to.

In my inbox

I turned on my computer and checked my email and had this email from my friend H.

Hope you are having a great weekend!! You must be so excited for you move, I am really proud of you for doing this! It is time for you to move forward, and I mean with all aspects of your life! You need to take control, and let go of all the things that truly hold you back. You can do this (my name), I know you can!! You need to decide to treat yourself with the love and respect you deserve... I love you honey!!

How sweet is she! I love her. She's like a big sis to me.

Friday, November 23, 2007

The day after Thanksgiving

(Because I couldn't think of a title)

I worked out for over two hours today and if felt great. Let's hope I feel like doing the same tomorrow. I had to teach today, so an hour of that doesn't even count.

So yes, I'm still obsessing about my rents reading my FFJ. If this has all really happened, then they must have started reading it a few months ago because that's when I checked my dad's online history and saw that he had googled my name and blog. He would not have thought of that on his own. I mentioned how "I'd die if my parents ever found my blog." Well, I don't think they've found it but they sure as hell looked. Ugh.

The thing is, my mom is the snooper and the one that would totally go and read it, not my dad. I think I wrote things about my mom too that would make her feel really bad. I think I wrote how she annoys me and stuff. I guess it's just normal mother stuff but still, I don't want to hurt her feelings in anyway. I love my parents so much and I don't want to hurt them in anyway.

With that said, I know I am hurting them by not talking to them and by "doing this" to myself. I could see how badly they were hurting that night when my father cried when I told him that I was going to see Charro. Ugh, that still kills me.

Ok, I'm done blogging for now. Too many distractions.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Gotta love it

I'm on the bike at the gym this morning when this man comes up to me and says, "You need to put on some weight. Just a few pounds. You need to get over 50 lbs." I said, "I hit 52 yesterday." He was like "Really?" I said, "I'd be dead if I weighed 50 lbs." He said "what are you like 60, 70 lbs?" Me, "Um No! I'm over 100." Seriously people, come on. He obviously has NO sense of anything if he thinks I can be 50 pounds, or even 70 for that matter. Hello, I would be dead and definitely NOT teaching aerobics with the energy I have. The very first thing he said to me was actually this, "You've had an overdose of cardio today," (He had walked in the side door and into my aerobics class while I was teaching).

Seriously...ugh.

I'm still all freaked out and in a really crappy mood because of my whole FFJ thing. I need to go shower!

(Not-so) Happy Thanksgiving

Is it time for me to move yet? This day is stressful enough with all the food and crap, now I have to add all this crap to it as well. I figured out how I'm going to hide my FFJ's until I move. I really can't deal!!

I'm so tired and I need to go teach aerobics now.

Hope you guys have a nice turkey day.

(I don't even like turkey)

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

This sucks!

The more I think about this, the worse it gets. I think this might be worse than everything else that's happened with all this ed shit the past few months. It definitely is. Sleeping should be fun tonight. I cannot deal with this...

Seriously...Why?!

Okay, so I stopped by J's office to see him today since we haven't seen each other since we broke up. I had some time to kill and I thought it would be nice to wish him a Happy Thanksgiving. It wasn't awkward at all and it was kind of nice to see him. Well, as I was leaving he was like, "I have to tell you something. You need to find a new place to hide your journal." I was like "What?!?!?! Have my parents been reading it?" He was like "Yes, they know more than I do. You need to find a new spot to hide it. You hide it under your bed, right?"

He wouldn't tell me anything else and I kept asking him how he knew and he wouldn't tell me. It was/is driving me insane. He was like I have some more stuff to tell you to but I can't do that right now. That I understand since we were in his busy office. UGH!!!!! WHAT THAT F***!!!!!!???!!!!

Seriously, I can't take this. I can't deal with anymore of this crap. I want to know how long they've been reading it. I am fucking screwed. That means that they know EVERYTHING. That really fucking sucks.

When he told me I thought I was going to throw up. I really did. I am 99.9 percent sure that he wouldn't lie to me about this and he wouldn't just say this to get me all fired up and upset and stuff. He's not type that would do that. He is a very caring guy.

Seriously, I might have a mental breakdown. I can't think about all of this shit. If they know everything...ugh, I can't think about it. F***!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Seriously, just F***!!!!! What the fucking fuck!?!? (Sorry) I can't deal.

I'm going to go shoot myself now. (NOT really, don't worry. I promise I am not suicidal!!)

So I freaking called Charro to set up a phone session for next week. Ugh, I asked her if we could chat on Tuedsay and added "Apparently my parents have been reading my FFJ." I didn't say that I was freaking out and all that crap because she doesn't need to hear that the day before Thanksgiving. Please, not her problem. I wish it wasn't Thanksgiving so I could talk to her. UGH!

I feel like I'm going to throw up.

EJ and Charro, all in one day

I've been away from the blog world for few days. I've been away and then I've been busy so at some point I'll get to catch up with everyone.

Yesterday I went to NYC to meet up with EJ. We had a great time, as usual, and the rain held off. We met at the train station and then grabbed a bite to eat. We then walked, at a brisk pace, to Charro's office. Yes, EJ did get to meet Charro. She came in to go to the bathroom and Charro walked out so the two met. So now she can picture who I'm talking about when I talk about Charro.

My sesssssiioooonnn was good. I got to see my "notes." I asked Charro if I could see my file and she said "What file? I have notes on you." I said, "That's what I want to see." She brought them for me yesterday and they were actually more detailed than I expected. I felt stupid reading while she was sitting there watching me so I read as fast as I could and not as thoroughly as I would have liked to. I did laugh a few times and she said "I'm glad you find this entertaining." Then she wanted to know what I was laughing at. She also said, "This is a very strange request. No one really asks to see there notes." So we had to discuss why I wanted to see them.

I have one more sesssioooonnn in her new/old office before she moves to her new/new office. Yes, only a few visits for me to this place, which is fine with me, though I do kind of like the set up, minus the no couch issue. Her new office has a couch!! Yay!

I met back up with EJ and we walked around a bit more and grabbed a bite to eat. There was a funny bread incident at the restaurant but I don't feel like writing about it because I'm exhausted. We always had something to talk about, which is nice. I felt bad because dragged her all across town and made her walk really fast, but she did get her coffee. ;) Yay!

So, that was my day yesterday. It was a great day all around and I'm glad EJ and I got to hang out.

Hope ya'll have a nice Thanksgiving. Ugh, the holidays. We have WAY too much food here and it's starting to stress me out already. Oh well, I will do my best to avoid it.

Monday, November 19, 2007

An awesome weekend

I'm back from my trip and what a blast it was. My sis, her friend and I hopped in the car Saturday morning and it was a pretty funny road trip. It was like a Seinfeld episode and there should have been a camera in the car.

(I'm going to try and write this without putting in too many details in case someone I know sees this).

We got to D.C. and met up with our brother. We grabbed a bit to eat and then my sister-in-law and my nieces arrived so we got to see them for a bit. Then we went back to our hotel and got ready to go out. We got all dressed up and fancy dresses and went to this big event. It was a good time.

Sunday morning I woke up and went to the gym, got ready and met my brother and his family for breakfast before heading out to "the big event" we were there for. That was a lot of fun.

Pretty much, the whole trip was just really great. The three of us (bro, sis and I) haven't been on a trip together and haven't hung out for a long time. It was really nice. Of course it was also great to see my nieces. Oh, they're so cute!

I was afraid I had gained a few pounds, especially after the dinner event we went to on Saturday night. I knew I didn't really eat that much, but I ate late and I wasn't even hungry but I had to eat. Then I had a huge breakfast yesterday so I was nervous about stepping on the big Bertha when I got home. Much to my surprise, I actually lost weight. Yay for that. I wasn't even trying. Craziness. This morning, though I'm sure that was a fluke thing, I hit double digits again. (Just barely) That was a bit exciting, though I don't think it thrilled me as much as it used to. I don't really think I care that much anymore. I'm not really trying to lose weight, I just am scared to death that I'll gain it and that's what I'm trying to prevent.

K, now I need to do some real work.

Friday, November 16, 2007

I'm finally writing

I'm sitting at my sister's house right now. We celebrated our dad's birthday tonight and then she and I are off on a little road trip for the weekend. No kids, no husbands, nothing. Just off to see our bro.

So, this morning I woke up and my dad dropped both of my little cereal bowls on our new granite counter top and they both broke. Now I have no little bowls to eat my cereal out of. I'm highly distraught over that. Here's the kicker, we just got the new counter tops put in on Monday, had we had the old ones, my little bowls probably wouldn't have broken. :( Sad day number one.

I went to Target and bought some stuff for my apartment. I got some new little bowls, though the are Christmas ones so I don't know if I can use them all year. They are not my old ones though. Those are irreplaceable. :( These aren't even bowls, they're ramekins. Oh well, I will eat my cereal out of them.

Bad news number two: I forgot to pack my Fiber One cereal for our trip. I don't know what I'm going to eat for breakfast tomorrow and Sunday now. That freaks me out a bit. I also don't have my scale until I get home. Uggers!

I had a phone sesssssiiooonnnn with Charro today. She brought of the whole weighing myself thing. She asked how I was doing with that and I said "fine." I said "I'm not weighing myself as much as I was" and then she asked how often I weigh myself and I responded with (again) "I'm not weighing myself as much as I was" but she really wanted a number so I said "A couple of times, like 5 or 6." She said "FIVE or SIX? That's a lot!!" I said "That's not a lot." She said, "Even if you said three times, that would be too much. It's very obsessive." I don't really have any issues with the amount of times I weigh myself. In fact, the only thing I have an issue with is when I can't weigh myself.

I just got really tired. Ugh, I don't think I'm going to get to workout tomorrow, unless I can when I get to the hotel, but I don't think that will happen. I'll be sitting in a car all day too. Uggers!

Anyway, I think I'll go to bed.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Concerts

I must admit, I'm kind of sick of blogging. I'm going away this weekend so I probably won't be doing it for a few days, but who knows. Maybe I'll be not sick of it by the time I get back.

I went to the city last night to see Sugarland and Little Big Town in concert. It was awesome. My roommate from college and I went. We got there early and picked up the tix from the will call booth. Well, I walked over and saw one of the guys from LBT. I said hello and he put his hand out and introduced himself to me. Then the rest of the members started coming out too. They were all just hanging out in front of the venue so we got our pictures taken with them. They were so nice and their harmonies rock!!

The concert was awesome, minus the fact that we stood for over six hours. It was like a big mosh pit/standing room/General Admission type place and we ended up about three rows back from the stage. It was awesome. I think I almost passed out (literally) from standing for so long, locking my knees and being so hot and crowded. I loved ever second of it though. I would give anything to be up on that stage. When I say anything, I mean anything. I would take the biggest sledge hammer to my scale a million times to be able to sing for a living. I love it!

Anyway, I'm going on a road trip with my sis this weekend. We're going to see our bro and his family. Yay! It should be a good time.

That's it. I felt like I ate a lot tonight but I didn't gain a pound so I am pretty shocked by that, to say the least. Yay!!

I talk to Charro on the phone tomorrow afternoon. My day tomorrow it pretty busy. My day today, ugh, that was just nuts, I don't even want to get into that one. Let's just say I literally sprinted (with backpack on) to catch the train and I just caught it! Ugh!!

That's it. I need a blogging break. I have nothing to write about.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Moving, roadtrips and randomness

I'm getting excited to move. My parents are getting on my nerves more and more, though it may just be because I'm pmsing. Who knows! Packing and all that will suck and stress me out, but it's not like I'm going too far away so if I need something I can get it. It's not like there is a shortage of stores in Manhattan either.

I have no plans on moving to New York so I can starve myself. I am looking forward to the freedom of eating when I want to and not having to eat if I don't want to. If I'm hungry at 3 PM and want to eat dinner then, I will, and no one will be able to say anything about that. Okay, well Charro will have something to say about that, I'm sure. It will probably be something like this written in my FFJ next to my 3 PM dinner. Too early for dinner. I've gotten that one a few times before. I can't help it. If I eat at 3 then I'm full and don't need to eat again. Why is that hard to understand?

I'm ready to eat dinner right now and it's 5 PM. I am going to make egg whites and maybe, if I'm feeling crazy, put it in a whole wheat tortilla with some low-fat cheese. Yum!

I'm thirsty. My left ear hurt/throat hurts when I swallow. I hope I'm not getting sick. I'm going to see Sugarland (the band) tomorrow and I cannot wait. It's going to rock man! Woo friggen hoo!! Yes!! Love it!! I'm watching S(ign)feld. (ha, you like how I wrote that?) This is my crazy paragraph that is completely random. I think I'll see if I can make my dinner now. I'm craving salt.

Oh, I'm going to see my bro and his family this weekend. My sis and I are taking a road trip!! Yay for road trips!! Love it!!

K, I'm done babbling now.

Words from a 5 year old

My sister told my 5 and a half year old nephew what happened to their cat on Sunday, after having asked about her. Later that afternoon he came upstairs and said "Mom, my heart is broken. How can I fix it? Can we dig up P-nut and put her back together?" (with tears in his eyes).

Yesterday morning, he wakes up and goes downstairs and says, "Mom, my heart is still broken and I hurt all over."

Okay, how sad and cute is that?? It makes me want to sweep him up and never let go of him. I just want to squish him.

Monday, November 12, 2007

First purchase

I did a little shopping today. I bought something for my apartment...a (fake) Christmas tree. Ugh, I shutter at the fact that bought a fake tree for my apartment. If I happen to be able to get a mini real one, I might do that. I can't deal with the fakeness, though I will have a real one at my house, which I will chop down myself...a 10-12 foot one no less.

So, I had a mini tree in my cart and mini ornaments and then I saw a three footer so I put everything away and got that one with some bigger ornaments. Yay for Christmas. I need to listen to some Christmas music!!

And by the way, there was a little snow on my car and driveway this morning.

18 days

Um, so I think I'm moving in 18 days. That's nuts!!

I don't really have anything to write about right now, plus I need to do some work.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Yesterday...

Was one big rush, as in rushing around. I'll leave out all the details because no one really cares, but my day basically started out, after the gym, with my sister having to put her cat to sleep. :( I rushed to her house, I had to go to her town anyway, to so I could babysit my nephew while she went to the vet. Her husband ended up coming home from work to go to the vet and say goodbye and then went home so my sis could go.

I got to my sister's and took her hubby back to the vet and I went in too, but we both figured by that time what had to be done had been done. We walked inside and the little fluff ball took one last breath. It was so sad. My sis kept saying, "She keeps taking a breath every minute or so." The one I saw was her last. The three of us stood around her and pet her and kissed her. I kept kissing her fuzzy back paw. Her body was hard, yet I could move her paws wherever I wanted to. I just kissed them and kissed her head, right above her nose. (one of my favorite parts on cats). My sister's husband said, "I think she's purring. I can feel her purring." It was sad. Her eyes just starred with (obviously) no expression. I loved that cat and she was only 6 years old, too young for her kidneys to just fail her.

While I was driving there I thought how I'd really like to go in and see her but didn't think I would get to so I'm glad I did. Now she and her hubby have to tell the kids what happened. They keep asking if "little nut" (that's what I called her) was home from the doctor. They're so concerned. The younger one cried the whole day, when they dropped her off on Thursday. No one knew that she wasn't going to be coming home again. Then the boys kept telling my mom that they were going to pick up Peanut in the morning and bring her home. :( Ugh, it breaks my heart. I hate it. It hurts.

After that I went to see a client, with tear-filled eyes. At least he wasn't there. Then I hopped on the train to head to NYC. I dropped my stuff off at my friend's place, went to go see my apartment (for the first time) and then signed a million papers and handed over a large check. That was not fun. Then I rushed to Charro's and ended up no knowing where I was going when I got off the subway. I had only been to her new office once and I ran there. I thought I knew which way to go when I got off the subway, but clearly, I didn't. So, I had to call her and ask how to get there. I ended up running, because I was a few minutes late, in my boots and mini skirt. Now that's an image. I got there and was shaking and dying of heat.

The "sessssiiiooooonnnn" itself was okay. I thought she was going to tell me she was pregnant. She said, "I have to tell you something." I was like uh oh. "I'm moving again." I was like "What? Are you staying in New York City?" She said yes and told me where she was moving to, which I am excited about because it's near where she used to be. She was like "How do you feel about this? I know you had some issues with this move?" I said, "Oh good!! I'm fine with this one. Does your office have a couch?" The answer was yes and I'm excited because I know how to get to this office. Yay!! So, that was that.

Okay, I just found out that fucking Broadway is going on strike at 11 this morning. Um, my friend and I have tickets to a show that we're not going to get to see now. I'm a bit pissed!!!! It was her b-day present too. Ugh!

Thursday, November 08, 2007

I'll probably regret this one

I wasn't going to write about this here because of my fear that Charro might read it, but I don't really think she reads my blog unless I give her something specific to read. If she does happen to read it, then I'll probably feel really stupid and she'll think I'm weird but it's probably something I should talk to her about but won't.

It bothers me that she's skinny. Usually she wears skirts or loose fitting clothing but last time I was there she had on fitted pants. She was going up the stairs in front of me so I couldn't help but notice how small her butt and legs are. It's really not fair!! Her butt is like 2 inches big. I'd kill to have a small ass. Her legs are long and thin, mine, quite the opposite; short and stubby and muscular. Ugh! Her thighs probably don't rub together. I guess I'm just envious/jealous of her thinness because I want to look like that. I guess a lot of it has to do with the fact that she is much taller than I am too. I think if I were taller my body would have more area to spread out to instead of just being all compacted together. I guess the jeans I'm wearing right now aren't helping me out much either because they make my legs, ass and hips look huge. Lovely!

So there, I said it. Charro is skinny and I want to be. She probably eats like a "normal" person too, though when I asked her once she said "I eat in a healthy, balanced way." Um, okay that's such a textbook answer. She has to say that.

I'm off to Charro tomorrow. (I love saying that) I will also be signing me lease!! CRAZY NUTS!!! I'm excited though. I can't wait until I'm all settle in and organized. I have so much crap that I don't know if being "settled in and organized" is really possible. :)

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Privacy

I might be going private for a minute.

Email me at thepalmtreechick@yahoo.com if you want to keep reading.

I have no clever title

The Feisty one (Feisty Frida) is on her way to the hospital to have her baby! FINALLY!!! :) If I hear of anything I'll keep ya'll posted.

So, I'm kind of sick of this whole therapy thing again. Do I not get this way at least twice a month?? I don't feel like going to see Charro on Friday because I have nothing to talk about. I never have anything to talk about. Well, once in a while I do. I just don't feel like talking about anything. What's there to say, really? I don't want to gain weight. I don't want to eat more. I don't want to stop weighing myself. There are only so many times those things can be discussed. So, that pretty much leaves nothing else to talk about. If I'm not willing to budge or work on anything, what can be done? My thoughts, not much.

On the other hand, I always have lots of things to think about after I talk to Charro. I'm not sure what that means but it must mean something, right? Eh, I don't know. I'm sick of thinking.

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

1 year ago today

It was one year ago to this date (the actual day was a Monday) that I came home from ballroom dancing class to be confronted by my parents (the first time) about my "issues." What brought this on one may ask. Well, they found this blog post. Let me tell you, that's a night that I won't forget. I'm not sure which confrontation was worse, that one of the one in August. Um, let's just say that both sucked!!!

On another note, one month from today I will be 30!

Hunger and sleep, I like one not the other.

I don't know why I'm so hungry today but I don't like it!! That's all I know. I hate when I'm hungry. It's so much nicer when I have do appetite and no desire to eat. I like it much better that way. Maybe I'll just be hungry for the day and then it will go away for a month or two or twelve.

I'm so tired today too. What's up with that? I think that time change is screwing everyone up and it really shouldn't. We fell back and get to sleep in. Hmmm. Now sleep, sleep I love!

Hi

I don't really have anything to write. Yesterday I got a call saying that I was approved for my apartment. So, as of December 1, or November 30, I will be a New York resident. Well, maybe. I'll still be a New Englander at heart. :) I have a lot to do before then and it's gonna be crazy!! It's going to be fun though. I can't wait to live on my own, decorate my own place, and just be. I can do whatever I want. What a crazy concept. Of course there are the things that I'll have to do like, workout and pay bills! :)

Hmm, I just got really tired. I need to do my insurance test too. It sucks butts but I better get to it.

Monday, November 05, 2007

So....

I got the apartment!

I'm off to work.

Sunday, November 04, 2007

Post 801 baby

This was the pretty sunrise I caught while driving this morning. Don't worry,I didn't take my eyes off the road. I woke up at 5:30 AM to head to NYC to watch the marathon and now I'm home. No Katie Holmes sitings or Lance Armstrong sitings though. The runners got cool orange shirts, I'm jealous of that. It didn't make me want to run one though. I would have cheered for you, DrStaceyNY if I knew who to look for. Hope the race went well for you.

Saturday, November 03, 2007

Flying high.

video

Me at trapeze school last spring. Enjoy!! My pants fell down at the end.

Morning relaxing

I'm in a better mood this morning. I'm actually relaxing a bit before I head to the gym. Well, at least for another 5 more minutes. I'm hoping to get a good run in this morning. I hate that I can't run like I was before all my concussions. I'll get it back, I hope, but it still stinks right now. I'm just hoping I can do 6 miles and then move onto something else.

I'm supposed to ref 4 hours of field hockey today (unpaid) but I'm hoping it gets cancelled. We're supposed to get a lot of rain from what's left of hurricane Nol. The winds will be, and already are, whipping around as well. So much for "Pink sky at night, sailors delight." Um, there's a warning on the seas so so much for that saying.

I need to do some cleaning and stuff around here, preparing for my move, IF I ever find out about this apartment. Grrr. It's really starting to get to me. I feel like I'm going to lose it (the apt.) because they want a letter from my college about how I was in campus housing. Um, they don't have those types of records from seven years ago!! Ugh!

Okay, so before I start babbling and getting myself in a bad mood again I'll shut up and go to the gym.

Friday, November 02, 2007

Pink sky at night

I was sitting at the kitchen table when I saw this...





Yucky mood

I'm in a pissy mood. I just FFJed for a bit and it put me in a really bad mood. Why? Because my SESSION with Charro sucked today? Why? Because I sit there and say nothing but "I don't know" the whole time. Why? Because I don't have anything else to say. Then what happens? I think of a million things to talk about afterwards and for the rest of the day and then I get pissed at myself for wasting 45 minutes of everyone's time and my money and getting nothing out of it.

I got nothing out of today's session and it has nothing to do with Charro. She's doing her job, I just suck at the whole therapy thing. It's days like this when I feel I should just quit...or go everyday, I'm not sure which. I think I'm just going to lay on the floor and cover my face and talk when I see her on Friday. Maybe then I'll get something accomplished.

I'm just really pissed at myself right now. I don't know why this all of a sudden manifested itself. Probably because I was FFJing and I was trying to "really feel."

Oh yeah, Charro wants me to not weigh myself for a week again. Um, does she not realize what happened last time I did that?? I FREAKED out and I gained a pound. The freak out was completely the worst. I almost made myself throw up but instead decided to drink some vinegar and run around my house like a mad woman for 30 minutes. It SUCKED. I felt like shit and I didn't uncover any hidden feelings that I might be suppressing somewhere. So, why should I do this again I ask?? I don't see why it's worth all the freaking torture if nothing but I feel like I'm gaining a ton of weight and have no control over it feelings come out. Why should I subject myself to that misery?? It's not worth it. Ugh!

I don't know how to make this go away. Okay, I know I have to want to make it go away in order for me to start making it go away and I'm not there yet. I don't know when, or if, I'll ever be there. I'd like to think I will be there someday because I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this.

I don't really know what else to say right now. Maybe I'll come back to this later.