Saturday, December 30, 2006

Suck my molasses!

I'm still feeling like crap, but I guess I'm feeling a little less crappy than yesterday, which is a plus.

I was just going to make the molasses cookies that my grandma always made but I can't find the freaking molasses. I KNOW I bought it a month ago to make these cookies and I have NO idea where it is. I check the two shelves it should have been on three times. I completely tore them apart and it was NOT there. I even called my mom to ask her where it might be and she said the same places where I thought it was. Grr.

Okay, so I was going to surprise my mom and make them for her for her birthday, which is Monday, because it's her first b-day without her mommy. I was going to put a little note in the cookie jar saying "I thought you might like a little something from mom on your birthday," but I can't do that. :( I'm sad!

I'm so freaking tired...

I woke up this morning and felt a little better so I decided to go to the gym. Well, I started going downhill by the time I got to the gym. I managed to get through 45 minutes on the elliptical with the arms and then that was it. I headed over to the bike to get in another 15 minutes when all these people were saying "just go home. You look horrible." So I did. :(

I came home and at one point thought I was going to have a mental breakdown because I haven't worked out in forever and I'm starting to lose it a little. I can't take it. I need to workout!! I can't even make it an hour. I'm going to lose it. I would have been able to workout forever this week and I couldn't workout at all!! AH!

So tomorrow I will try again. Then I'm running in a race at midnight which I'll probably die doing because I can't breathe, but oh well.

The rest of my day consisted of lunch with J. and then a little shopping for my mom. I was going to watch "THIN" tonight because I thought it was on tv and I'm in the house by myself, but it's not on. It must have been on this morning. I freaking love that documentary. I need to watch it again.


Oh, I also managed to hit my face with the corner of my car door leaving a nice bloody scratch on my cheek. Can we say loser?!


I think I'll just drink my tea and go to bed. I need to wake up tomorrow and be well.

Oh, I talked to EJ's friend on the phone tonight. I met her briefly the other day in NYC. We ended up talking for almost an hour. Crazy huh? It was like we knew each other forever. Very cool!

Friday, December 29, 2006

Busy day for me

Wow, I had a busy day today. I showered (for the first time since Wednesday mind you), I slept, and I went to the gym for a whole 15 minutes!! Okay, can ya sense the sarcasm in my writing?

I did manage to land a trip to Florida. I'm going with a friend J., who is afraid to fly. So, she's paying for my flight and accommodations so she and her daughter can get down there. I will stay for a few days, she'll stay for a few weeks until her husband can get down there to fly her back home. Not too shabby, huh? All I ask for is lots of sunshine and warmth!!

For now, I'd just like to be able to breathe through my nose.

Still feeling like crap!

I'm on my couch watching Rachael Ray. I just tried to sleep but I wasn't very successful. I did sleep for 10 hours last night though.

I woke up a little after 7 this morning and was feeling better than I felt yesterday, but that's usually the case when I wake up; I feel okay for the first hour and then I start to feel like crap again.

So, I woke up and decided to go to the gym. Yes, many people told me that I shouldn't go but do you think I listened to them? Clearly not! So, I went and everyone told me I looked like crap. My friend H. told me I was very pale and should go home. Well, I was there so by gosh I was going to workout!!! Um, I rode the bike for 15 minutes...not so much a workout. I actually burned more calories talking to H. than I did riding the bike. I should have just talked the whole time. So frustrating!!

I HAVE to be able to workout tomorrow. I am going and doing at least an hour regardless of how I feel. I have to feel better tomorrow. Colds don't last all that long. I do have to be healthy for Sunday though, when I head back to nyc to run in the midnight run in Central Park.

I can't taste anything so I guess there's no point in eating.

Time to take a nap again.

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Feeling like crap

I'm back from NY and I feel like crap. I didn't feel all that bad when I was hanging out with EJ, but after I left her I started to deteriorate. I got all stuffed up and stuff. Ugh!! I got some meds at the drugstore but I don't know if they helped at all. Don't seem to be helping now.

I think it was probably a good thing that I wasn't feeling like my energetic self while I was with EJ. I think I would have scared her away. :)

After I left EJ, I was going to meet up with one of my friends. So, I walked a while and then hopped on a subway because I was going to be late to meet her. She ended up not coming afterall, but that's not the point. I got on the subway and had an awful coughing attack. Couldn't stop coughing, my eyes were watering and I was sweating. Not really the place to start hacking up a lung, especially when it's that crowded.

Well, the same thing happened again this morning when I got on the subway. Some nice guy even offered me a cough drop. See, there are nice people in NYC.

So now I'm back home, sitting on my couch but I think I will head upstairs and lay in my bed for a while.

I didn't workout today....AH!!!...and I had 2 pieced of (cheeseless) pizza for breakfast this morning. Healthy, right? I weighed myself when I got home (SHOCKER) and the scale said, well, actually it read because it doesn't talk 99.6. OH BABY!! I know it's because I'm dehydrated but it was nice to see it drop below one hundred. Now what though?? I'm not sure what this will mean for my sanity. Hopefully things won't spiral out of control. (Like there's really such thing as control anyway.

Ok, I'm going to bed!!

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Jolie in NYC

I met Emily Jolie for lunch today (yes, we both ate lunch). I also brought a friend with me, and the three of us had lunch, got coffee (I got my decaf tea), and walked around the city. It was interesting to meet EJ. She was kind of what I expected--very sweet, smart, and interesting to talk to. She's a very open person, which was surprising to me, probably because I'm not. I think I heard the words "therapist" and "purge" (two of my favorites) one too many times. Just kidding.

Tonight, I looked at an apartment in NY that was the size of a shoebox. Tomorrow, I have two others I'm supposed to look at. I think I may take the day off from the gym because I'm feeling nasty. I know I'll want to go when I wake up in the morning, especially since I can't weigh myself. Also, today was barely a workout, and I know I won't go on New Year's. I thought about bringing my scale to my friend's house in NY, but decided I shouldn't.

I've been thinking more about whether or not I really have an ED. If I had to guess, I'd say that I'm not really anorexic (I weigh too much) and I'm not bulimic (because I don't throw-up), so I guess I must be EDNOS, though I don't feel like that counts as a real ED. So, therefore, I don't have an ED, right?

I'm torn about moving to NY. I always have fun when I come here, but it feels like a big change, and I don't want to live in a shoebox. I'm not good with decisions, so it's hard to find an apartment because there are so many choices (and most of them are too small or gross, but whatever).

I'm going to bed soon. I hope I don't cough again all night. I'm glad I came into NY because even though I'm sick, it was great to meet EJ and hopefully, I'll see her again next time she's in town (and she can read my tongue and tell me what's wrong with me).

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Oh Christmas Tree

All of the chaos has come to in end and now we can all just relax.

Christmas day was very nice, strange but nice. It was strange because it was a small gathering rather than the large one we are used to having. People are getting older and going there separate ways. It was nice though. It was quite loud and hectic during the first part of the day and then it got nice and quiet.

Everyone was happy with their gifts. I am bummed because the perfume that my sister gave me is broken and has leaked out, hence the strong odor coming from the box. I'm hoping that the store will take it back. The cap is all broken.

I didn't sleep all that well Christmas Eve. Perhaps I was excited for Santa or maybe it was just the fact that my chest was heavy and my throat was a little sore. I think I'm developing a chest cold, which is usually where I get sick. Really puts a damper on the running.

I didn't gain any weight yesterday which is a wonderful thing. I swear, someday that will be the last thing on my mind while I'm celebrating Christmas.

I went to the gym this morning and took a class and then worked out for an hour. The class was a strength class and then I did my cardio. I slept in so I didn't get to workout before class.

My cats are sleeping. I'd like to be sleeping. I still haven't showered from the gym. I need to go to Wal-Mart, which will be a disaster I'm sure, and my bro is coming back here after spending the night at his in-laws. He heads back to TX tomorrow.

Tomorrow I am heading into NYC to meet fellow blogger Emily Jolie!! Woo hoo!! It's going to be fun to meet and hang out with her for a bit. We should start a blogger convention, much like the Star Wars conventions. Ha!! Ooops, I think it might be Star Trek, I'm not up on that.

I will also be doing some apartment hunting. Hopefully I will find something. Although, today I have the maybe I should just stay here feeling. I don't know what that's about. Not here at my house, but here in my town or the next town over. What's up with that? I know I don't like change, though this would be a fun change, but I think it's more of the hassle of actually moving all my crap...and I have a lot of crap! Then there's my cats. They're so happy here. I don't know.

I'm tired and want to stay in my jammies all day. I guess that would require me to put them back on. The fleece sweats and long sleeve t-shirt are working quite well though. I'm supposed to go to J.'s house later, which I don't really feel like doing because I don't feel like doing anything!! I don't want to move from the heating vent that I am sitting on right now, though it is hurting my ass.

Okay, I need chapstick....and I got a lot of it for xmas so there's not shortage there, not like there was before that. I LOVE CHAPSTICK!!!

Monday, December 25, 2006

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas!!

I'm having pains in the right side of my chest and can't move. Hmm, atleast it's not on the left side, right?

More blogging later when I have the time.

Sunday, December 24, 2006

Almost there

I think I have a little anxiety about this whole holiday thing. Okay, so it's not the actual holiday itself but all of the eating that goes on.

I woke up this morning and weighed myself and I was almost 99 pounds. Oh so close!! I'm afraid that I'll never be that close again. I weighed myself several times to make sure the number was correct. 100.1 it read. Oh, it was so thrilling for me. SO close to breaking the barrier. Please, oh please let it happen. Now's not the time it will happen though, but I can still work on it.

Ugh, I'm just afraid I'm going to gain so much weight over the next few days. I have to try not to worry about it.

Honestly, I don't even know how I'm losing weight. I'm eating and stuff so it's not like I'm starving myself. I'm just happy that the numbers are going down and they need to keep going down.

Okay, I have to go do some more cooking. Maybe I'll have time to write more to this later. If not, Merry Christmas again!

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Party hard and crash

I'm so glad all of these parties have winded down. Sure, I still have Christmas Eve and Christmas day to get through but they are both at my house so I don't have to go anywhere.

Last night J. and I went to a party for a bit. We were going to babysit for my sister so we couldn't stay long. The food was absolutely amazing. Yes, I did just say that the food was amazing. I tried a little bit of everything. There was spinach lasagna, baked ziti, eggplant Parmesan and this gorgonzola chicken dish. I ate everything. Okay, so I only had two or three bites of the lasagna, ziti, and eggplant but I had lots of the chicken. I didn't stuff myself but I did feel little fat after. Ironically enough I lost weight in my eating venture and the food I ate was full fledged fat! Interesting.

My nephews were so incredibly adorable last night. I still can't understand how I can love two little people so much. I was so exhausted and fell asleep on J. (not literally on him) twice. I was out cold. He didn't really seem to happy about that but whatever. I was tired and I wanted to sleep.

Today I ran 6 miles and rode the bike for 40 minutes. I need to get good cardio in since I can't workout on Monday. I'm looking forward to the day off though, I think my body needs it. I will start to freak on Christmas day and that is so uncomfortable. I hate that feeling...the feeling of just feeling so incredibly fat and gross and wanting to just run forever or throw up. Maybe things will be different this year, but they probably won't. I'll be a slave to the scale, running upstairs to weigh myself constantly, hoping to burn a few calories in the run up the stairs. I already know that I will be eating more than usual and eating food that I don't normally eat. I have to try and remember that it's just one day and that I can undo any damage done. Pretty much easier said than done.

My cat is sitting right here and I know she is going to hit some button and I'll lose this post.

Tomorrow I will head to the gym for a mega-calorie blasting workout (I hope). Then I will come home and finish baking and get ready for Christmas Eve with my entire family. Note to self...charge video camera and get a tape ready. It will be nice.

I think I will go to bed now.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!

Friday, December 22, 2006

Friday before Christmas

I'm finally sitting here doing nothing. My little boy (cat) is next to me purring away. My niece has just been put down for a nap and so has one of my nephews. My entire family is here so it's beginning to actually feel like Christmas.

The kids just decorated cookies and I made some more fudge. If I had to look at another piece of fudge I may puke. (Quick, give me a piece!) I'm so tired and want to take a nap. Hmm, I seem to say that everyday.

I think J. and I are going to babysit for my sister tonight and hit up my hairdresser's Christmas party as well. I would really like to go to bed at 9 pm, is that wrong?

I felt like doing nothing at the gym again this morning. This is the time of year I really need to bust my butt and burn some calories and my body is just tired. My friend M., who is very obsessed with exercising and is a toothpick, said to me today, "we get to have a day off soon." I was like, "I know and we can't feel guilty about not coming to the gym because it won't be open." She agreed. I will still feel fat and gross for not working out.

J. says he likes my love handles because he needs something to hold on to. I told him that I could get my ribs and hip bones to stick out so he can hold on to them.

My little girl cat is on my lap now purring away.

I was walking out of the gym today and there is a little breakfast/lunch place attached to the building and I could smell something really good, like waffles or something. (Sometimes I can smell it while I'm teaching aerobics but it smells nasty and greasy). It make me think about how much I am missing out on things because I don't allow myself so many things. It's kind of sad. There's so much out there that I could enjoy, not even food related, but I don't let myself. I'm too worried about the food and my weight and working out. It's really too bad but what can I do about it?

Anyway, I'm done for now. If you are leaving blogland for the weekend, HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Thursday, December 21, 2006

It's Thursday

I've got my cat in my lap and I'd like to take a nap but I actually have some time to myself to write so I figured I'd do that.

My bro arrived last night with his wife and my adorable little niece. She's way too cute. I spent a little time with her today. We took her to my office because my bro needed to use something there. Then I went to get my hair cut.

This morning I did not want to be at the gym at all. My legs were tired and didn't feel like moving. So, what did I do about it? I went on the elliptical with the arms for 45 minutes and then road the bike (very slowly) for 15 minutes before taking a 45 minute spinning class. I managed to burn a little over 500 calories, which is okay considering the state I was in.

I'm heading out tonight to hang out with the early morning aerobics ladies. I'm not sure if everyone is eating dinner at the restaurant but I will opt out of that. It works well though because I can tell my parents that I'm eating there. ;) That's always the best part.

Afterwards I might meet up with J. He doesn't get out of work until later so he will probably stop by. Hopefully it won't be a late night. He has to be up at 4:30 AM and has had a long week. I just want to go to bed early.

I think I will make some more fudge tomorrow. My mom also wants me to make some toffee thing. We are going to have SO much food it's ridiculous. Lots of desserts and crap.

Perhaps I will try to take a little snooze now.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

In the kitchen

I just spent most of the night in the kitchen. This afternoon I made sauce for the lasagna that I will be making for Christmas. After I was done with that I cleaned my room. I even dusted. Quick, someone take my temperature! After cleaning my room I came downstairs and made the chocolate, okay, I melted the chocolate to put on the pretzels. That was a pain in the ass, dipping them all. I finished those and decided to make fudge since the pan already had chocolate in it. I just finished and finished cleaning up. Now I am waiting for my bro to get here, which should be momentarily...or not since the phone just rang and it's him on the other line.

My sister-in-law is sick so now she will be even more miserable than usual. Wonderful! Can't wait for that.

I made my mom cry today too, which was pretty funny. Actually, I didn't even say anything. She was yelling at me, or what her equivalent is to yelling which isn't yelling at all. She was complaining that I don't take care of my stuff even when she asks me a million times. I could tell in her voice she started crying a little so I started laughing silently. She doesn't know how to get mad and it's really funny. I said to her, "I'm just so useless." She said, "When it comes to this you are." Then I said, "Well, won't you be happy when I don't live here anymore." She said, "That's not what I meant." Whatever. I think she's a little stressed about Christmas and my sister-in-law being with us for a week because she is so unpleasant. Perhaps she's a little sad too because this is the first Christmas without her mom.

Anyway, I just don't even listen to her when she talks to me half the time. I just say, "that's nice" and pay no attention. Okay, I'm not that mean all the time, just when she starts to really annoy me.

Oh, I so can't wait to be on my own, though I definitely will miss my mommy and daddy and all the things they do for me. They really are great parents.

I think my bro is here so I better go.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

3rd post tonight

I'm having some serious fat issues and that's not good. I seriously just need to starve myself. Not to death, I don't want to do that, just until I get skinny. I guess then the question becomes "then what?" I'm not there yet so I don't have to worry about that. For now, all I have to worry about is getting skinny.

I guess I'll be running my ass off at the gym tomorrow. I'm not sure my legs feel like doing that, having taught a strength class this morning and after doing about 2 hours of cardio the past few days. Oh well, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. Run or not, I will be doing lots of cardio tomorrow.

I just want to be skinny!

Sticky situation

All the freaking wax paper stuck to the caramel on my pretzels. Excellent! So, is eating wax paper bad for your health? I managed to get most of it off. I'm so pissed.

Baking and babbling

I'm bummed. I was going to watch THIN again but it's not On Demand anymore. Pretty bummed about that. I do have it on tape so I could go get the tape but that might be a little obsessive of me since I've seen in 4 or 5 times already. It's on again Dec. 30 so I can watch it then, if no one is home

Ooh, I need to go feed my cats.

I need to make some treats tonight; fudge and caramel coated chocolate covered pretzels but I'm not really feeling it. I also need to clean my bathroom and room before tomorrow night because my bro and his wife are coming with my niece for the week. :) I can't wait to see my little niece. Ugh, and I have to do my Christmas cards.

My shoulders and back are a little sore, which is a good thing. I must have worked them hard yesterday and today. I love that feeling. I love when I'm sore.

I can't wait to move to New York City. It's going to be a whole new life for me and I can't wait. Freedom!! Woo hoo, I can't wait. It will definitely suck to throw away money on rent but hey, what can you do about it. I'm also thinking that I will lose weight there, but time will tell on that.

I wonder if I'll ever not have that thought in my head. I got on the scale yesterday or today(I don't even remember when it was because I get on it so many times) and thought about the numbers. I realized that it doesn't matter if they keep down I still will want to lose more. It will never be enough. It's not even about not being able to see the difference in my body when I lose weight, it's about the excitement and challenge. Well I got to 98 lbs now I have to get to 96 lbs, and so on. (NO, I'm not 98 lbs, though I wish I was!) You reach your goal and then a new one arises. I always knew that that is what happens but I don't really think it hit me until the other day. I was like wow, I will never be happy with the number. I'm just going to want to get it lower and lower. It's almost like your body doesn't matter anymore and you just want those numbers to keep going down. Weird. It's like you get these blinders on that only focus on numbers and can't see everything else that's going on with you.

I'm slightly at that point now. I see the numbers go down and I just want them to go lower and lower and when they go up, I freak. It's like oh shit, I can't eat until I'm back at my weight and then I have to eat less to lose weight. It really is a never-ending cycle. I can't imagine what it would be like if I was stuck deep into the disease.

I guess I should probably start baking.

Monday, December 18, 2006

My gingerbread house and Christmas tree

Our Christmas tree.


Yes, that's a palm tree!
I'm not really an artist, as you can tell.

Wiped out

I am so tired. I really just want to sleep but I have to go out to dinner tonight. Should be an early night though. I should be home by 9 PM. I'm going to get minestrone soup and possible a salad to eat. We're going to an Italian restaurant so I'm going to stay away from anything too heavy. Soup and salad is good.

We all went to my aunt's house yesterday to have a little Christmas celebration since her family is going to be away for Christmas. We decorated gingerbread houses, which was SO much fun. Actually, I will upload some pictures of the one I made. I didn't know how fun it was going to be. The kids ate most of the decorations but did manage to do a little decorating. Everyone had a good time.

I went to the gym this morning and did about 1 hour and 50 minutes of cardio, which was a good thing. My legs are a little tired, but not bad. It's all good. I'll take December 25th off...since the gym is closed. Even if it was open, I think my mom would kill me if I went on Christmas Day.

I had a dream about my grandma last night. It was weird. Part of me wonders if that was her coming back to me in my dream or if it was really just a dream. I woke up with tears in my eyes because I was crying in my dream. It was weird.

My ass hurts because I am sitting on the heating vent in my kitchen. I have to make pasta fagioli for my dad for dinner and do my Christmas cards. I hate doing xmas cards. I procrastinate every year. Eh, I guess I need to suck it up and do them.

I know a few people with the stomach flu. Hmmm.... I got it last year at Christmas time. Six days of not eating is not a bad thing, let me just tell you that. Although I was a little weak at the gym those days.

Anyway, I guess I should get my butt in gear.

Saturday, December 16, 2006

These boots are made for walking

My new boots were delivered today and they fit!! Woo hoo! They are also more comfortable than I originally thought. So, I'm excited. They're hot! ;)

My Christmas party was nice last night. We had a good time. The food was fine. I had these two little salads and then I had a piece of chicken for dinner. I didn't gain any weight which is key. I was shocked by that. We'll see what happens tonight. Party number two and there will be karaoke! It's J.'s office party, which should be interesting. Hmm, maybe I need a nap before that.

I worked out for a while today. I did just under 2 hours of cardio. I'll do some more tomorrow. I just need to burn calories. My legs were a little tired from wearing heels last night. More of the same tonight.

We had somewhat of a fixed menu last night. There was a choice of five entrees, all meat. Luckily I eat chicken but I'm sure they would have gotten me a veggie dish if I asked. As I was looking through the menu, I must have gotten a little anxious because I started fidgeting with my legs. J. looked at me and asked me what was wrong. He was like "are you ok? Why are you fidgeting?" I was like "I'm fine." I'm kind of wondering if I should just tell him that I have an eating disorder. I make so many comments all the time when I am with him so he must know something is up.

I felt gross after dinner and felt as though my stomach was sticking out so much. I cringe when he puts his hand on my stomach. I want to puke because I am so grossed out by my stomach. If I didn't have to eat it would be okay. I just feel like it would be so much easier if I just told him that I'm fucked up. At least he would know what he was dealing with. The only problem would be if he wanted to help me or if he said something to my parents. Both those would be bad. I just want to be able to say to him, you know what J., I just don't want to eat. That would be one way to get rid of him, huh? He's pretty healthy and works out and eats well.

I spend too much time and energy obsessing about all this stuff but I don't know what to do about it. Actually, and I've said this before, I don't want to do anything about it. I just want to lose weight. Sure, I'd like to not be this way but I don't know any other way. I've told two of my friends that I'd go see a therapist when I move to nyc. We'll see. It would be nice to talk to someone but I'm not really sure that she (I would go to a female) could really do anything for me. I just don't understand how talking to someone could make me feel differently about things and how I would start eating things and stop weighing myself and working out all the time. I just don't get it. I know therapy works for people but I don't really understand how it would work for me. I've got a lot of friends who are therapists so I'm not knocking what they do. I think they're amazing people for being able to do what they do because I couldn't do it, I really just don't understand how therapy works. I believe in it, I really just don't "get" it. I do know it does feel good to be able to talk about things.

Okay, I am making no sense. I didn't mean that whole therapy thing in a bad way, I just really don't get it. I have a good feeling that I would love it though.

Okay, I'm shutting up before I say more stupid crap. Let's hope that I don't have to eat too much tonight.

Friday, December 15, 2006

Can't comment

Blogger is pissing me off. I can't comment on peoples' blogs. Tried to comment on Jen's, Emily's, and others and it won't let me!!! Grrr!!

Elevators and food

Why is it that my cat wants to eat everything she finds on the floor? She just tried to eat my sweater fuzz. Hmm, and they say I have an eating disorder.

I realized something the other day while watching a clip of this video. It was about a man who was terrified (probably an understatement) of getting in an elevator. He was in therapy for it and was about to go in the elevator for the first time in 6 or so years.

I watched and my first thought was, how ridiculous that this man cannot do something as simple as getting in an elevator for a few seconds and going a few floors up. Then it hit me, I can't eat a freaking plate of French toast or a whole piece of cake.

The elevator, to this man, was such a terrifying thing because he was claustrophobic. This, to me, is much more legit of an fear than a piece of food. I guess it just seems more normal to be afraid of being stuck in a small place as opposed to eating something. Obviously, the food is my fear, among other weight related things. I guess what I'm getting at is that I thought it was weird that he couldn't get in an elevator until I realized that I am just as afraid of certain foods as he was of getting in the elevator. That was very interesting to me.

Onto other things, I have my office Christmas party tonight. It's at a country club and J. will be coming with me. At least it's somewhat warm out so I won't freeze my ass off getting in and out of the car.

I think I'm going to need a nap before I go. I also have to do some laundry too, and finish decorating the tree.

Okay, so I will take a picture of our tree and post it when it's all done. It's about 12 feet tall. It was a pain in the ass to cut down. It was a good workout though.

My cat is now sitting on my lap so I can't see what I'm typing. I'll call it quits for now.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Bad Blogger

Okay, I'm FINALLY able to get on my blog after it was messed up all day. I'd go to my site, and my site seemed to be the only one affected, and it was just a white page. What the hell? So, I was annoyed. I posted the following on my other blog just because.

I went to NYC on Tuesday night. It was a perfect night to walk around the city. I got off the train and walked and shopped a little. I walked 33 blocks and a couple of avenues, grabbed dinner and then went up to my friend's place to eat. I apparently ate my salad way too fast (it took me about 5 minutes) because by the time I walked to my friend G.'s work to meet her and sat down I felt a little sick. It went away though.

So I walked another 30 blocks to and from G.'s work and about 10 avenues. Woo hoo, a nice little walk for me that night. It was all good. Wednesday I looked at an apartment. I cannot wait to move to the city!! Seriously, I belong there.

I got home last night and had to go to a party. Great, another friggen party to eat at. Ugh! So, I ate too much and now weigh too much. Hopefully I counteracted it at the gym today. I burned over 700 calories, which is a good thing. The more the merrier!!

Okay, so I probably didn't eat that much, but I ate a meal, like a real meal I guess. I had some eggplant bread, a little pasta and a few bites of chicken. I really hate feeling so fat and gross. It also sucks to have to worry about all this shit all the time.

I always feel like I have so much I want to write about until I actually start writing. I think my brain is just shot right now. I'll think of what I wanted to say later.

Off to the gym

Blah, I'm fat so I am going to the gym for 8 days now. Okay, maybe not 8 days but a couple of hours.

I can't even eat a semi-normal meal without gaining weight. Okay, maybe it's not real weight but my scale is up and that's all I see.

I'll write more later.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Too many parties

I'm heading into NYC again tonight, just for a quick trip. It will be a good time, as usual.

Right now I'm making cookies for the second time because the first batch smelled like paint because the oil was bad. Ew! Can't bring bad cookies to a party.

So, this Christmas party business is getting old fast. I had four in three days last week. I have one tomorrow night and three over the weekend, and then I have to go out for a Christmas dinner Monday night. UGH!! I can't handle all of this food! Do I really need to be eating 4 nights in a row? I don't think so.

Tomorrow is a sit down dinner where I'm sure someone will comment about what I'm eating. Friday night is my office dinner, which is at a fancy country club. Saturday night I am going to J.'s office party. Not sure if it's sit down. I don't think it is, which is good because I can get away with picking on a few things and that's it. Sunday I will be at my aunt's house for some sort of party which includes making gingerbread houses. Then, Monday night I have to eat dinner, although last time I went to this place I got soup so I hope I can do that again.

How is a girl going to get down to her goal weight at this rate? Ugh!! Everything is about food and I'm sick of it. I'm at the point where I don't even care if people know I have food issues. Whatever! I'm too old to really care what they think about it because no one can do anything about it anyway.

I need to go shower now.

Monday, December 11, 2006

New puter

I got my new laptop today and it's driving me insane. The internet fonts are SO small and I can't see anything. I've tried to fix it several different ways and have had no luck. It's my aol fonts and seriously, the little mailbox on the menu bar is literally smaller than my pinky nail. How the hell am I supposed to see what I'm doing?

Grrr...

I woke up at 4:45 this morning and was pretty much a zombie all day. Now we're getting ready to put the lights on the Christmas tree and then I can't wait to go to bed.

I hopped on the scale today to find the best number yet. I'm so close to breaking the barrier but who knows how long that will last and that's what scares me. I just want the numbers to keep going down. It's not like I'm really doing anything different, but they're going down and that makes e happy. I have a feeling they went up tonight though, even though I didn't really eat that much. What a pain in the ass.

My friends S & S are coming over for a little bit tonight too. They want to give me my birthday present. I was supposed to go over there but I talked them into coming here instead. :) I kind of feel bad about that but he's a guy and he can drive here.

Other than my little fonts (that sounds dirty), I like my new laptop. Hopefully I can get S. to fix it because he's an IT guy. I'll have him check it out.

Saturday, December 09, 2006

2 parties and a scale

My weight is good right now. Good meaning that if I don't eat anything tonight, which won't happen, I could wake up weighing less than I've weighed. But hey, I guess it's day by day and I shouldn't be so obsessed with the number everyday because it will go up and down. So, being that I know that, why is that number so important for me? Obviously I want to see it keep going down but with all these parties how can that happen?

I have two parties tonight. One is at my friend's house right down the street. Her mom is the one that said something to me about my "eating problem" at dinner a few weeks ago. I'm not sure if she will be there, but she is supposed to be. My parents will also be there so let's just hope that she doesn't say anything to my parents about my eating.

The second party is with all the people I used to work with years ago. It's always interesting to see these people because I really only see them a few times a year. We'll see if I can get through the night without any weight comments.

I think I've just accepted the fact that I have an "eating disorder," or whatever you want to call my obsessiveness, and that I'm going to be this way forever. I'm not saying that I want to be this way, I just think that's the way it's going to be. Obviously I'm the only one who can change that but I really don't know how and I don't really know if I am willing to right now.

Yes, I'm sick of being this way but I don't really know what to do about it. I think I write this same thing at least once a month. I think I'm just too fearful of change. I don't know how to sit down and eat something without thinking about the calories in it. It's this constant reminder in my head, the constant calculation. It's not like I'm like that all the time, just with things I don't normally eat. Okay, I'm like that a lot of times now that I think about it.

Let's take the French toast thing for example, I could sit down and eat it no problem if I didn't start thinking about the fat and calories. But, I can't just turn my brain off to do that. I see the food in front of me and my eyes look at it and my brain starts calculating. Then it's like, I can't eat that. That's like half of my calorie intake for the day.

Why? Why can't I just let it go? Why does it have to be such an issue and complicated thing?

Oh man, I just had a flashback of my parents seeing my what I wrote that one time because it was somewhat similar to this post. Ugh, that still freaks me out.

Well, I guess I should get going. I'm sure I'll fear the scale on my drive home tonight. It haunts me.

Saturday (creative, huh?)

Here's something only an idiotic obsessive person would do: I pulled into the parking lot of the gym this morning only to realize that I didn't have my heart rate monitor on. I was like, do I just suck it up and work out without it, having no clue how many calories I will have burned? Or do I drive back home and get it?? You got it! I turned around and drove home and got it. I knew that if I had worked out without it, it would have ruined my workout. Kind of pathetic, I know, but I figured I'd have to be comfortable so I went and got it.

My sister's XMas party was fun last night. There were a couple of guys that I would have liked to have talked to more but having J. there kind of put a damper on that. Oh well. Whatever. He so does NOT want me to move to NYC. He gets upset everytime I mention it. Hey, I'm going baby!! (If I find a place).

Hmm, I think I need to go play my drums before my rents get home.

Friday, December 08, 2006

SHAPE images

I was flipping through SHAPE Magazine at the gym today. Every month and every magazine it's the same thing...pictures of perfect looking women showing us how to "get fit in just 2 weeks" or "lose 5, 10, 15 lbs without counting calories." So I'm looking at it and thinking, man we really are bombarded with these messages to look perfect.

The January 2007 issue also features American Idol Katherine McPhee on the cover. I'm sure they touched up the photo because, while she's a beautiful girl, I don't think that her body really looks like that picture. I wonder how Ms. McPhee feels about the picture considering that she suffered from bulimia for 7 years and is now working to accept herself the way she is and be happy with her body and health. If I were her, I'd be pretty upset that they doctored the photo to make her look perfect. She's trying to be a good role model for young girls and now she's on the cover of SHAPE looking perfect. Obviously, I don't know if she knows about the touch-ups, wanted it done, or is mad about it. I just think that she would be against that considering what she's been through. But, who knows!?

Yeah!

Dell just called, my laptop is being shipped today and I should have it on Monday. Wooo Hooo!! Yeah, I'm so excited. I'll have a new toy to play with. I don't know what was up with saying it wasn't going to be shipped until the 19th, but whatever. I'm happy now.

It's freaking freezing out. It's 2 degrees with the windchill (no exaggeration). We had a few snow flurries today too. Yuck. It is supposed to be 50 degrees on Sunday though, which will be nice. We're going to cut down our Christmas tree tomorrow. My dad and I go every year. I love it! I'll write about that tomorrow.

I have to make fudge to take to my sister's house tonight. She's having a Christmas party. J. is coming. I think we're going to stop at the mall on the way.

My hip flexor is still weird. It doesn't hurt, it's just an uncomfortable feeling, like I need to stretch it but when I do it doesn't help at all.

My scale wasn't too bad this morning. 3 ounces higher than I would have liked, but it's fucking 3 ounces so I'll get over that. As long as it doesn't keep going up and keeps going down I will be okay.

I need to go make some tea and some fudge.

Size Ate promo...check it out!

Check out my friend M's. one woman show promo video about her struggle with an eating disorder. She's so incredibly talented! You'll love it.

I got to see the show, Size Ate, last year and it was amazing. I laughed, I thought, I got sad.
Check it out!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B0O_d_8eGbY

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Fatty po-tat-y

Blah, that's how I feel right now. Not, blah as unhappy, blah as in gross, fat, disgusting, fat, fat, and um fat! Yeah!

I just weighed myself with my sweater on so I don't really think it could have had that much of an impact on the number, which really sucks. It's not a thick sweater which is what scares me. Okay, last month I would have been happy if I got on the scale at night and it read what it read, but not now. I've been losing weight. I have NO idea how, but I have, and I like it!!

So just now I stepped on the scale and it was 1.3 lbs higher than it was last night when I went to bed. I know that doesn't necessarily mean anything but to me it does. It still doesn't stop me from freaking out and getting all nervous about the fact that I may wake up tomorrow to find the number higher than it was the past two days. That's just unacceptable now. Once it drops it's not allowed to go back up. That goes against my rule. I'm really hoping my sweater added on some weight, even if it is just half a pound. I don't care, just take some of the weight off.

I really need to learn what to say to someone when they say something about my weight. I was at a party tonight and this guy asked me if I had lost weight. I told him no, it was just the illusion that my v-neck sweater gave off. He's used to seeing me in gym clothes.

My friend L. says to me, everytime she sees me, "you're getting too thin." Everytime!! I'm like, "L. I think you're hallucinating." She's Italian, that's why she keeps thinking I'm getting thinner. I see her once or twice a week so I don't know what she's talking about. Italian moms always think people lose weight.

Who knows. All I know is that I better wake up being the same weight I was this morning or I'm going to freak.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Laptop craps out & b-day celebration

Many, many things to write about right now since I haven't had much access to a computer all day.

So, as you can probably tell by the title of this, my laptop no longer works. I got home last night to find that the screen was all weird and messed up. So, the IT guy at worked looked at it today and tried to fix it but decided that it could not be fixed. He started to order me a new, $1,400 laptop but we needed the 3 digit credit card ID number of our bosses credit card. So, he is going to order it tomorrow. I hope he still goes for the one that we were looking at today, although I do feel it's a little pricey for what I need. He is the type of guy who doesn't care how much money he spends, especially if it's not his, but I don't really feel like I need this extravagant machine. He wanted to get all these extras. I was like, I don't need those. I really don't think it's right to spend the bosses money like that.

So, needless to say I've been a little out of sorts without my laptop. I hate it. It's totally going to mess up my morning routine. I usually wake up and turn my laptop on and check my mail while I eat my breakfast. Grr...Oh well, there are worse things in the world, like having your parents read an entry to your blog!! Hopefully I will have a new laptop by Monday afternoon.

Right now I'm on my old computer. I'm not used to the keyboard at all. Weird! I really hate not having my laptop.

Okay, onto other things...

I went into the office today to do some work. They ordered sushi for me for my b-day. I of course had the cucumber roll. Then came the cake. Ugh! Okay, there was no way I could get out of eating it because they all know I'm obsessed about what I eat so they were like "you need to have a piece of your b-day cake." I had a very small piece. It wasn't even that enjoyable. I wasn't in the mood for it and I'm actually not a big cake fan. It would be different if it was a hot brownie with caramel on top.

I also got a lot of emails and calls from friends, which is always nice. I think that's the nicest part of having a b-day; getting to hear from your friends and knowing that they really do care about you! :)

I saw J., the guy, for a little bit too. He did some work on my hip flexor last night. Put some sort of patch on it to make it feel better. Feels great now. Was a little sore while I was running this morning, but it's pretty much fine. Just a mild strain. I will be hitting the treadmill again tomorrow.

So, I saw J. but he couldn't join us for dinner, which was fine with me. Then I came home and opened my presents and then went to dinner with my parents.

We went to this place where I could get pasta fagioli. I was legitimately not hungry but I knew I had to eat, especially after "the incident," which was exactly one month ago today. I ordered the pasta fagioli and made sure it was meatless. The waitress said it was. She later came out and said it had bacon in it so I ended up not getting it and not ordering anything. I just ate some of my parents dinners. Both had pasta dishes. I didn't even want some of that by my mom kept commenting on how I don't eat to their friends who ended up sitting with us because we ran into them there. I also had some broccoli bread too.

We came home and I had to have more freaking cake. My dad got me fat free frozen yogurt pie from the ice cream place I used to work at. I didn't want any because again, I wasn't hungry. I had a little because I had to. It wasn't even so much a weight worry, I really didn't want any. Okay, of course I'm worried about my weight but I can make up for things tomorrow, I guess.

So here I am, about to go to bed because I am completely exhausted. THANK YOU EVERYONE for all your birthday wishes. Sorry I couldn't get back to you all sooner. Stupid computer issues! You guys are the best! THANK YOU!! Love ya!!

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Facial

I had a facial today. It was a gift from my parents last year. It was okay. I really don't like people looking at my face, never mind with a bright light and a freaking magnifying glass the size of my head. Ew!! Please, get a closer look at my disgustingly, nasty face. Yum. I was pretty much cringing the whole time. To top it off, I knew the lady giving it to me. She comes to my classes at the gym. Talk about uncomfortable. Now she knows how gross my face is. Atleast if it was someone I didn't know it wouldn't be as bad.

My face does feel really nice right now though. She put lotion on my hands too and then put plastic over them and then put them in these, what I will call, heated mittens. I need to get a pair of those suckers!

So that's that. Perhaps I will offer to make pizza for dinner for my parents tomorrow night to avoid having to go out for dinner. Either that or I want to go somewhere where I can get a good salad. I would really just like to avoid food all together. That's seems to be what the celebration is centered upon. At least if I make pizza I can make it the way I want to and eat a slice and be done. Perhaps I will suggest that.

I wish that wasn't even an issue that I have to be concerned about. 14 years of this crap. I'll be 29 years old, how much longer can I be this way? The last thing I'd ever want to do is give birth to a girl and have her adopt my habits. I would obviously do everything in my power to not mention body/weight to her, or anywhere around her, but sometimes they pick it up anyway.

I guess I shouldn't think about that now.

Cake Fear

Okay, here's were I'm going to need some advice. My office is going to get me a cake for my birthday and I don't want any cake. This is the worst because I can't be rude and don't want to be rude, but I also don't want any cake either. So, what do I do while everyone is sitting there eating cake for my birthday and I don't want any?

I could just avoid going into the office tomorrow, which would be fine because I don't really go in there that much anyway. But, I know they're going to want me to go in. Maybe they'll just get a me a rice cake. :)

Ugh, the stupid little things in life that I have to worry about. It really shouldn't be that big of a deal.

Then there's the b-day cake from my rents too. Usually they just get me a fat free/sugar free frozen yogurt pie, which I'll eat. However, I don't know about this year, after the whole debacle of them finding out I have "issues." I think they're going to want to make or buy me a regular cake and see me eat that. Ugh! NO CAKES PLEASE!!

My last day as a 28 year old brought me a nice huge zit, which I preceded to try and bust open, on my face. Lovely!

Monday, December 04, 2006

Oh what fun!

I went into New York City for the weekend. Once again, it was a blast. Got in on Saturday and hung out. Saturday night I met up with some friends for sushi. After dinner we had some time to kill so we went out for coffee and dessert because I "needed to have dessert for my birthday."

We went to this cool coffee shop. I saw online that they had low-fat apple pie, so I thought okay, I can get that. Well, they didn't have it so I ended up getting a rice krispy treat that was the size of a brick. I had a little of it and then we left and went to karaoke.

Last time we went out to this place it kind of sucked. We were hoping that that would not be the case this time. So, we got there and got a table immediately. That's key! It's all about location baby! So, we set up shop (there were just three of us at this point but 3 more were joining us).

By the time the whole gang got there, we were rocking it out. We had a freaking blast!!!! Have great pics to prove it too. SO MUCH FUN!!! We sang and danced. We danced a lot. The sweat was flying, as were some random drips from the ceiling that we're never too sure about. We we dancing on the bench with our trademark moves. We got a little help choreography-wise from our friend M. She threw in some new moves, once of which possibly caused my hip flexor injury.

We just had so much fun. My friends are great. They gave up their Saturday night, in December no less, to spend time with me for my birthday. I've got a great bunch of friends and I love them!! Too bad they live 90 minutes away.

The next day my friend G. and I woke up with "man voice." You know, the voice you get when you are yelling at a bar in order to have a conversation and when you don't get enough sleep. We then went for a run in the Park. It was so nice. So much to look at.

My hip flexor started bothering me early on in the run. I just thought that it was a little tight so we stopped to stretch at one point. I didn't feel it pull or anything so I thought it would be fine. Well, by the time I got to the train station and tried to climb the stairs (Lord knows I'm not taking the escalator, I can burn calories climbing the stairs), I couldn't go up them with my right leg. So I can't lift my right leg to even put on a sock or get in my car. I guess this is when dating a physical therapist comes in handy.

Needless to say, my workout today was not good. I guess any normal person wouldn't have gone to the gym, but Lord knows I'm not normal. :) So that was that.

I always get nervous on my drive home from the city. I start thinking about going home and weighing myself and worrying about what the number is going to be. I ate a salad and felt fat while I was driving home. It not like I had eaten a lot that day so it's weird how that happens. I was just scared about the number. It ended up being good, so that's a good thing.

I had a few bites of my friend's french toast at lunch yesterday; kind of a little deal we had. Let me tell ya, it was really good! I was okay with the few bites. Maybe next time I can eat a whole piece, I don't know. I initially was supposed to order it myself and eat it, but I couldn't do it. I started freaking out about that the night before.

It's so funny how this works. Last night I was thinking about how I can do it next time. How I want to be able to order freaking French toast and sit there and eat it. I was all ready and willing to do that the next time I am there. This morning, however, I feel like I don't know if I'd be able to do it. Why do we change our minds so much? If I could just sit down and eat it without thinking about how many calories it has, etc., it would be okay, but I don't think I can do that. We'll see. It's almost like I need someone to do it for me. I need someone to order it and be like "you're going to eat that," because I know I couldn't do it by myself. I just don't know how to stop those thoughts either. The obsessing over the calories. I can't just shut it off. I don't know. I think it would be a very interesting experiment for me. I think part of what scares me is that I would be doing something I haven't done which could possibly mean some sort of change in me, which to me means losing some sort of control over what I'm eating and my body. I don't really know. It's all very confusing to me.

Anyway, that's all. NYC rocked and hopefully I will be living there soon!

Friday, December 01, 2006

Ugh...

I just spent the past 45 minutes in my room trying to find something to wear out tomorrow night. I had NO success. I hate all my shirts and all my jeans are too big. My freaking favorite pair falls off me and if I wear a belt it covers up all the fun stones on the waist. Those are the ones I got in the Hamptons over the summer. WTF? I guess it's better that they're too big rather than too small. That would just depress me and upset me even more. WTF though, it's not like I lost a lot of weight since I bought these jeans so they must have stretched out a lot. I can't dry them to shrink them because the stones will come off. Ugh. I've only lost like 3-4 pounds since I bought them. It shouldn't make that much of a difference in how they fit.

So, I still have nothing to wear tomorrow because I hate all my other jeans too. I'd wear a skirt but that would inhibit my dancing. Can't have that. I am going to go in a big blanket and that will be that. Ugh!! I hate it.

Is it the clothes I hate or my body? Well, a lot of both. I hated the way my shirts looked because I looked fat in all of them. My legs looked too big in my jeans and the one pair of jeans that did fit me "snug" showed how big my legs and ass are. Ugh!!

I need to go make pumpkin bread now. Wish me luck with my stupid clothes issues.

Weird mood

I'm in some kind of mood and I'm not sure what it is. Feisty? Fed-up? I'm not too sure. I'm not in a bad mood, just in an unexplainable mood.

I got to the gym this morning and really had no desire to be there. I don't understand, what do people do when they just don't feel like working out?? Granted, I feel that way a lot but I still go and do it but it's getting kind of old. How long can you make yourself do something when you don't feel like doing it?

So I went and procrastinated for a few minutes. I finally got on the treadmill but I only walked. I got my heart rate up to 164 because I walked at a 5.o incline and walked at a 4.6 pace, so atleast I was working. I did that for 30 minutes then got off to go to the bathroom. I had all intentions of running after that and even got back on the treadmill, but I just wasn't feeling it. So, I got on the elliptical with the arms and did that for 50 minutes. At this point I felt like working out all day long but couldn't because I should have been out of there at 8:30 AM and it was already 9 AM and my boss was still around.

I ran into one of my friends so I hopped on the treadmill for another 10 minutes and did a little running before I really had to leave. I knew my boss would be coming out of the shower soon to go to work and I didn't want him to see me still there.

I went from not wanting to workout at all to not wanting to stop working out. When I got home I did a few more exercises and some push-ups and abs, but I'm hating my stomach right now. Okay, it's not just "right now" but today I'm just grossed out by it's fatness. I just want a freaking six pack. I want it to be skinny. Indented! I really need to start lifting weights more often but everytime I do it I feel like my arms get really big and then I freak out.

I'm going out for sushi tomorrow night and while it's good for me, I'm sure I'll retain enough water to fill a pool with all of that salt. That, I am NOT looking forward to. I'll just make sure I'll drink even more water, if that's possible. I already drink a ton.

I have to get ready to go into the office and go to the grocery store. I actually don't remember why I have to go to the office. Hmmm. Oh well.