Thursday, November 30, 2006

Frustrated!

I am so friggen frustrated with this apartment hunting thing. Ugh!! I look online and try to email these places but get no where. NO where!! I just really feel like swearing but I won't.

I need to win the lotto so I can afford to live where ever I want to and not have to worry about paying 8 million dollars in a brokers fee.

I wish I knew what to get my stupid sister-in-law for her birthday and Christmas. I went shopping tonight and it was somewhat successful. She's a PITA (pain in the ass) to buy for so I have not gotten her anything. I should have gone into the Nike outlet to get some new cross trainers but I so wasn't in the mood for dealing with that. I end up trying on like 10 pairs of sneakers.

My cat is laying on me and my laptop is on my lap. My little girl is sleeping with her head on my arms. I can barely move. She is so cute and needy. Never leaves my side. Sleeps with me every night and then follows me into the bathroom when I wake up.

I'm very feisty tonight and I don't know why. I think it's because of the apartment hunting. That's what I'm pinning it on. I got home from shopping and weighed myself and I weighed much less than I thought I would for this time of night, so that was very thrilling for me. So, that's not bugging me. We'll see if I'm still that weight when I weigh myself in 10 minutes. I had some apple and some tea so things shouldn't be much different.

I took a nap today and it was so nice. I needed it. I also need to a get a nice, long workout in tomorrow because I will be rushed on Saturday because I'm heading into the city. Sunday I will get to workout though, which is nice because I usually don't when I am in New York. At least I do a lot of walking.

I guess I'll go to bed now. I've been posting a lot about nothing lately and they've been so random. Oh well. I'm all about being random.

Good night!

Giving up

I'm giving up on the model. I stopped by the gym and he was there. I was dressed in normal clothes and my hair was done and it was the first time he'd seen me not sweaty. Okay, he's totally not interested so hopefully I will get over him. Oh well. I actually think he might have a girlfriend in Italy. (Not that that's right around the corner).

I'm so tired right now. Got home at 12:30 this morning and got up at 6:15 to go to the gym. Ugh. I had a good time with J. We went to dinner and then went to a bar/club which had about 12 people in it. It was an interesting evening. We didn't realize that it was "gay night" at this place and sat there for a while. Then I read the little handout on the table and saw that it was "gay night." We didn't really care so we stayed there for a while.

It got very interesting when the transvestite hostess showed up. I went to go to the bathroom and he/she was in there. He/She looked like he had a very nice ass so I said, while washing my hands next to in the bathroom, "I want to smack your ass," then preceded to do so. He/she liked it and said "You need to come on the bar and dance with me." I said, "you bet I will!" It never did happen because we ended up leaving, but we had fun. Needless to say, I didn't get hit on once, not that I ever get hit on. ;) (nor did J.)

So now I just want to go to sleep. My cat is sleeping in my arms as I type this. I should probably be doing some work but I am apartment hunting instead, which is a very annoying thing!

I feel like I have a hairball stuck in my throat.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Date night

I'm going out with the guy again tonight. I'm actually not really looking forward to it. I'd rather just stay home and go to bed at 9 pm. I'm going to meet him at his place, which is on the way to where we are going. He told me I can come anytime after 3:30 and we're not going out until 6 pm so I think I'll get there around 5:30. Ha!

I know he's going to want me to stick around for a while when we get back too. I don't think so.

I feel bad because he's a nice guy, smart, good sense of humor and cute but I'm really not feeling it. I don't know if it's because I am in love with the model. Yes, I love him!! Never have I felt this way about a guy in my life! Pathetically sad, I know. He is so cute, nice, has a beautiful deep voice and is smart and athletic. What more can a girl want? Nothing!! I love him! So, I think he might be inhibiting any feelings that I could possibly be having for J. I don't know, that's just my guess.

I'm not even worried about going out to dinner because I know I will just get a salad anyway. It was bad, on Thanksgiving J. came up behind me and put his hand on my stomach and I said something about not touching my stomach because it was huge from all the food I ate. I probably should have kept that to myself but whatever. Sometimes you just can't fake it.

So, the Christmas tree lighting is on at 8 PM EST tonight, on NBC. Watch it because Martina is singing. I so would have gone if I'd be able to get within 100 blocks of Rockefeller Center. I'm not big on that area of town anyway, but around Christmas time it's just ridiculous. I stay away. Way too crowded!!

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Killing time

I'm just killing some time before Charlie Brown Christmas comes on. I love that movie. How can ya not?

I have to drive a total of 3 hours to see a client today. It was freezing in there too and I had to sit in there inputting things into the computer. I hope I got them right because it's very important. I was inputting social security numbers. I had a few that didn't match up when I called to check on them and I don't know how I got them that wrong. They were completely off so I hope I didn't screw everything up. I would suck big time if I did. Ugh, I don't want to think about it.

I didn't go to the gym this morning because I had to leave my house at 8 AM. I didn't feel like getting up at the crack of dawn to workout so I went this afternoon. It is so hard for me to get motivated to go then. I was so tired, had a headache and just wanted to take a nap. I went though. I only did an hour of cardio so I will have to kick some butt tomorrow morning. Blah. Nothing under 90 minutes is good enough for me anymore.

It's bad, I really wish the gym was open Christmas Day. Although, there's no way in hell that my mother would ever let me go. She'd kill me if I did that. Usually we're so busy Christmas morning, but last year it was strange. It was just my parents and me because my sister was with her family and my brother was with his. That was the first year I actually felt like I could go to the gym because I didn't have anything else to do. I can't remember if we opened gifts in the morning or not.

Christmas was also a little messed up last year because my sister's family was infested with the stomach flu, which soon made it over to me and my mom. Oh well.

Christmas Eve is actually my favorite time. I love it. It's so peaceful. Sitting in the family room with the Christmas tree all lit up and decorated, Christmas music playing and everyone just relaxing. I love it!! I love the lights, the candles in the windows and the whole atmosphere.

Okay, I'm just rambling now. Time to watch Snoopy!

Monday, November 27, 2006

Restaurants and more

I've been sitting at my computer trying to find a place to eat when I go out with my friends in New York on Saturday. I want to find something that everyone will like and that's not too expensive. I think we'll probably do sushi, but now some of my other friends may come and I don't think they like sushi. I can see them saying they're going to come and then not coming at the last minute so I really don't want to plan around them. Ugh...this shouldn't be stressful. I just want to make sure everyone is happy.

I had this crazy dream last night. I dreamt that my parents came in my room at like 2 AM and woke me up to talk to me about my eating. I pretended to fall back asleep right away as to avoid the conversation. They came back a few hours later to try again at which point I just kept sleeping so we couldn't talk. That has me worried.

I saw D. today and she seems to think that my mom is either snooping around, talking to someone about this (like a friend) or doing research online. None of which I need. Ugh!

It will be so much easier when I move out and don't have to worry about any of that stuff. I won't have to worry about what I have around the house or worry about having to eat. It will be so nice.

So, tonight's my last night of dance. :( Such a sad day.

Back to school

I had my 10th year high school reunion on Saturday night. It was kind of weird. Pretty much everyone looked the same. There weren't too many awkward conversations. People thought I looked good, which made me happy because I looked horrible in high school. I chopped my hair off and well, it was bad!

So, there was some mingling and some food, which I didn't really partake in. (the food, not the mingling.) There was also music and dancing...Okay, I was THE ONLY one dancing. The only one NOT drinking, besides my pregnant friend, and the only freaking person on the dance floor. WTF?? I danced up a storm. On the floor, on chairs, where ever I could dance I danced and I have fun doing it!! So there!!

I saw the guy I loved growing up. Eh, he's ok now. Kind of guido-y. One of the staff at the place told me I looked too young to be there. :) Someone's husband said I had a good butt that could "hold a glass up." I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not.

My parents said to me, as I was telling them about the night, "You have to stop acting so crazy when you're out!" (referring to my dancing). I said, "I had fun and that's really all that matters!! I don't care what people think!"

So that was that. I had fun. It was nice to catch up with people, and I'll see them all again in 10 more years.

Saturday, November 25, 2006

"Thin" gets me thinking

I almost just had a heart attack. I was sitting in my kitchen with the guy and my parents were in the family room watching football. The next thing I know, they are watching "Thin." (The documentary done by Lauren Greenfield). I looked and just completely stopped talking to J. (the guy). Then I was like, I have to keep talking and hope that my parents don't figure out what they are watching and change the channel quickly. Thank God my dad did but he later flipped back to it. I hope they don't know what it was. Oh man! They just saw one of the girls talking on the phone to her mom so I don't think it revealed anything. It made me very nervous for a minute though.

Speaking of "Thin," I've watched it about four times. I'm obsessed with it. I think it was so well done. It's funny, the first two times I watched it I was just trying to see everything and see what it was like, but the last two times I really sat down and watched it. It made me think about a lot of things. It effected me more, I think. I saw a lot of myself in those girls. Though I'm not 80 pounds, or underweight at all for that matter, or throwing up and taking all kinds of pills and laxatives to lose weight, I felt like I could be in that hospital. Obviously, I don't need to be in a place like that because I am very healthy physically and not in any medical danger, but I still felt like part of me could be there. It's very weird and hard to describe.

I know it's no place I'd want to be. I would hate to be put in the position that those girls were in. I would hate to be watched all the time. I'd hate to have to be in therapy all day long and talk about everything. I'd hate to have group therapy and family therapy. I wouldn't want to talk and would probably be very difficult to deal with. I wouldn't want people telling me what I had to eat. I would totally find a way to exercise. That goes without saying. I'm not a difficult person, but I know if I was ever put into a place like that that I would be a compete bitch.

I guess there must be some small part of me that fears that that could happen to me or I wouldn't be having these thoughts, right? I don't know, I'm no psychologist. I guess I'm even more scared now because people have been saying things to me, my parents are watching me and I probably shouldn't be scared because I'm over 18 so even if I needed to go into treatment no one could make me. Again, that's not even close to being an issue though. Thank God.

Today, the owner of the gym told me I look anorexic. I can't say that I didn't like that comment, though I totally disagree with that. There's no way in hell that I look anorexic. That's for sure!!

I just don't think, especially after watching "Thin," that recovery is possible. I think I'm going to be like this for the rest of my life, which is kind of sad but I don't really know what I could do about it. I guess we'll see.

Reunion time

I have my 10th high school reunion tonight. I'm actually kind of getting excited about it. I think it's going to be very weird. I don't think people will have changed much since high school, meaning that the cliques will probably all be the same.

I'm not really sure how you can fill four hours of time. There's the people that I want to to see, which are few and far between, then there are the people that I'll say hi to and ask what they're up to and then there will be that awkward silence because we'll have nothing else to talk about. We shall see.

So, I still don't really know what I'm going to wear, though I'm leaning towards some jeans and a nice holter top. It's not at a really fancy place and I heard a lot of people will be wearing jeans. I'd wear a little black skirt but I don't really have one I like and I'm not about to head out to a mall today. No way!! I have a ton of dresses I could wear but I don't think many will be wearing dresses that's why I think I'm going with the jeans. I know my mom will say "you're wearing that?!" Yes mother, shut up!

I'm going with my best friend from high school and her husband, that way I don't have to walk in there alone. That would be awkward. I'm very social and outgoing but that's not really a place I want to go into alone. All I can say is that it will be an interesting night for sure.

So, I'm tired, I have cramps and my workout, well, I can't even call it a workout. I had no energy and I felt yucky so I only did 45 minutes of cardio and then left. Ugh, I don't even want to think about it. The good news is that I'm never hungry when I get my period so it all evens out, I guess. Plus I ran 7 miles and did 45 minutes of cardio yesterday, perhaps that's why I was a little tired too. I will make up for today tomorrow.

K, that's all for now.

Friday, November 24, 2006

The day after

It's a beautiful day after Thanksgiving. Yesterday it poured rain and today it's sunny and unseasonably warm, something I love. To top things off, the weight is gone. The food seemed to move right through me, which is very nice. ;) I think my 7 mile run got things moving! (like you really wanted to know that).

So, here's what we had to eat yesterday:

Antipasto
Rice balls
Chips and a dip

Ziti
2 cranberry sauces
2 stuffings
Sweet potato casserole or something
Twice baked potatoes
Turkey
Pork
artichokes
Broccoli casserole
Asparagus
Salad
Rolls
Italian bread

Pumpkin pie
Pumpkin bread pudding
Caramel apple pie

I think I got it all. Now we have all the leftovers. Ugh!

I got a good workout this morning. Ran 7 miles and did another 45 minutes of cardio. Burned almost 700 calories, which is good. I would have stayed at the gym longer but my legs were getting a little tired. Besides, I have to be able to do just as much tomorrow morning.

I have to go take care of some animals now. I've got stuff to write about, some thoughts I've had but that will have to wait until later.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Happy Thanksgiving

It's over. No more food. Thank God! I would have liked to have posted earlier, when was feeling a little more insane but I couldn't. So now here I am, half asleep and I won't write half as much as I would like to.

Let's start with dinner last night. Ugh, it wasn't too bad foodwise, but my friend's mom asked, as I sat there eating my soup, if I "worried about my food intake." I said "no" and then she asked "do you parents?" I said "do they worry about their food intake? (I knew that wasn't what she meant, and she said "no, yours." I said no.

Later on she went on to say "you do know you have a problem, don't you?" Um, I don't remember how I got out of that one.

Onto today. Blahhhhhhh!! I went to the gym and saw my husband. (The model that I love.) He came up to me and said "what's up guns?" Umm, I LOOOOOOVE HIM!!! Worked out, but not for as long I would have liked. Tomorrow I will be there all day!!

Went home and had Thanksgiving. Okay, in the entire scheme of things, I did not eat that much at all. It probably was a small to normal amount for a "normal" person. I, obviously feel like it was too much. I felt disgusting, still do. The thought of throwing up crossed my mind many times. I gained 2 pounds and if it is not gone by tomorrow I will die. (that's a little extreme. I won't really die.) I just want to run. I wanted to hop on the treadmill at my house but there was no way I could do that. If there was a treadmill where I was house sitting, I'd be on it.

I just hate this feeling. It's been 7 hours since I've eaten. I wish I had my scale here, not that I would want to see that number. I saw it before I left my house and it sucked. Honestly, if I could have made myself thrown up without sticking my fingers down my throat I would have. I actually think that if I prepped properly for that I could do it. I just know that it would only take one time and I would be completely hooked. Then I would end up in a freaking inpatient facility. That would suck!

I don't even think I was disgustingly full. Just felt gross though. Now we have all these leftovers at my house. Eww. I didn't even want a bite of the caramel apple pie my aunt made. I love desserts, I just don't really eat them. I'll take a bite here and there but never have a whole piece. I didn't even want a bite of the pie. I had ziti, a little sweet potato thingy (which I'm sure was loaded with fat), a bite of turkey (I don't really like turkey but this looked good so I tried it. It wasn't bad) and a little bit of this vegetable dish my mom made. I picked at a few other things, like some nuts but that was it. How can that make me feel so gross and make me gain weight? I have to remember that it's not "real weight" but I can't do that. I see the number and freak. Besides, if it's not "real weight" then it shouldn't be in existence tomorrow so if it is, I'm screwed. I just want it to go away.

(deep breath)

Tis the season to be merry.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Sticky buns

It's the day before Thanksgiving. My grandma always made sticky buns for the holidays, so I thought it would be appropriate if I tried to make them this Thanksgiving, since she is not here to do so. So, I made them this morning and I was a little nervous about their appearance while I was making them. However, I took them out of the oven and they look like grandma's! Woo Hoo!!! They do contain about 8000 calories and 8 million grams of fat.

Hmm, I have a headache. Probably from sitting under the dryer at the hairdresser for 30 minutes. That could do it.

My friggen cat just erased everything I wrote...Grrr....

So, I have to go out to dinner tonight and I don't want to. We're going to an Italian restaurant. The last thing I want to do before Thanksgiving is to have to go eat somewhere. It would be nice to go out to eat and order whatever I want and not worry about how fat it's making me. I wish I didn't fear food so much. Maybe they'll have a good minestrone soup that I can get. I like to get the gnocchi when I am there but I don't feel like eating something so filling and heavy. I can't do it. I hope they have soup. Atleast I got a good workout in this morning. Burned almost 700 calories. I will be back at the gym tomorrow morning too. :)

I'm dreading Thanksgiving and all the food. Hopefully my parents won't say anything to me about anything. My cousin is making sauce so I know I will be eating macaroni. Her sauce is THE BEST!! I could drink it. So, I hopefully won't eat too much of that.

My aunt is making a caramel apple pie especially for me. Um, thanks. My mom was like "You're going to have to have a piece." Ugh!! Food, food, food! At least the gym is open!

So that's it. I could take a nice nap right now but I don't really have time.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!

Monday, November 20, 2006

Don't want dinner

I have to eat dinner tonight and I don't want to. My rents are back and we'll all sit down and have a lovely (or not so lovely in my case) dinner toghether. I think we're having macaroni. Great! So, are they going to look at me funny if I eat only 5 zitis? Yes, they are. I'm not looking forward to it. It was so nice last week when I didn't have to eat. Now I am going to gain weight and that will not make me a happy girl at all! I wish I could get out of it but they're are going to be watching my food intake big time. I'm not a two year old. I think I can decide whether or not I want to eat. Grrr...

Broken Palm


I woke up this morning, at 4:45 mind you, and went into the bathroom to get dressed. Much to my dismay my palm tree belly ring had broken. The dangly broke right off from the main part and cannot be fixed. Well, I guess a jeweler might be able to weld it back together. I walked back into my room and saw my lonely palm sitting on my sheets. :(

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Coming home

My parents are coming home tonight. I love them and all, but it’s been SOOOOO nice having the house to myself and not having to worry about anything. I’ll be asleep by the time they get home because I have to get up at 4:45 AM tomorrow. (I’m really looking forward to that).

I guess the thing that worries me the most about my parents being back is the fact that now I will have to eat somewhat like a normal person again. It’s been great because I haven’t really eaten dinner all week. I’ve eaten, but it’s been like veggies or a protein shake. That’s been enough and I don’t want to have to eat a meal. I don’t want to eat pasta or whatever. At least I will be away this week so I don’t have to eat here. I’ll have to tomorrow night, unless I find a reason to leave early for dance, but seeing that I have to celebrate my dad’s birthday, that probably won’t happen.

Ugh, I just don’t want to eat. I have to go out to dinner Wednesday night too. I’m going to an Italian restaurant with some friends and I really wish I didn’t have to go. Who the hell wants to eat the night before Thanksgiving? Not me. I don’t even want to eat on Thanksgiving, especially this year. At least I don’t like a lot of the food we eat on Thanksgiving, but still, I’d rather just avoid it all together.
Ugh, the holidays…

I have to go to a little party tonight. I wasn’t going to go but I think I will stop in for an hour or so and then come back home. It’s a birthday party. Not like I’m going to eat any cake. I don’t really want to go but I feel like I have to. I’m way too comfortable in my sweatshirt and sweatpants.

Ew, I’m watching “Thin” again. It makes me cringe. No way in hell I could ever go to that place. Never ever!!

Saturday, November 18, 2006

New addiction

I officially have a new addiction...Sushi. Okay, not real sushi but the cucumber rolls. It's just cucumbers and rice. NO seafood. Blah!! I love it!! I am addicted. I had it three times this week. Nuts, I know. It's healthy too, which makes it so much better.

I went to a little gathering last night and there was some sushi there. After that I met up with the guy and we hung out. He got hungry around 10:30 so we decided to go to the diner, since there is no where else we'd be able to get food around here. I've lived here all my life and have only been to the diner once. I don't know but I get totally skeeved out by that place. The menu did look really good though.

I was actually pretty hungry when we got there but I wasn't about to eat anything, not at that hour. I sat there thinking about how hungry I was and how I wasn't going to let myself eat anything because it was "too late." So what did I do? I picked a little lettuce out of his wrap and at it. That's pretty messed up that I can't even eat, or rather, won't let myself eat when I am hungry. Whatever.

So today I am off to the mall and then to a little party to see my friend who moved to Hawaii. She came back to visit for a week. Hopefully I'll get lots of Christmas shopping done and get out of there without buying too much stuff for myself.

Friday, November 17, 2006

Numb tongue

The whole left side of my face is numb because I went to the dentist to get a tooth fixed. Perhaps feeling will be back some time tomorrow. :)

I finished reading "Wasted" last night. I couldn't put the book down. I never read. I mean NEVER! I just don't enjoy it. I sat down and read 100 pages last night like it was nothing. I guess when you actually like what you're reading it's enjoyable.

So, I did a little research on Marya Hornbacher just to see where she is these days with her recovery. I'm still amazed the woman is alive. I didn't find much. I did find her website so I decided to email her to tell her how much I enjoyed her memoir. Much to my surprise, she emailed me back. I thought that was very nice.

I didn't find the book to be triggering at all. I was just so shocked and amazed by everything she went through and how she functioned. She pretty much lived on cigarettes and coffee. If you haven't read it, I recommend it.


I have to go to a little party in a few minutes, with my numb tongue. I hope I don't drool! Then I'm going out with the guy again. I need to make it an early night because I don't really feel like spending six hours with him. I'm feeling that 2 hours will be plenty. I think we're going to go shoot some darts and chill at a local pub. Aren't we wild and crazy? :)

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Freedom

I've been enjoying my week of freedom. I'm bummed that it will be coming to an end in a few days. However, then I head out of the house to house sit for a dog and 5 cats. That's only for 4 days though. Of course, during that time we have Thanksgiving.

I'll get to do some baking for Thanksgiving, which I love to do. I'm going to feel like my parents are watching me all day though, seeing what I'm eating and probably monitoring my bathroom use. I think they think I throw up, but I don't.

What really scares me right now is that I will gain weight on Thanksgiving. I'm the lowest I've been right now and I'm afraid that one day of eating is going to change that. I know it will. I'll gain a pound or two and I won't understand why because it's not like I will have eaten that much. I know I would have to consume 7,000 calories to gain 2 pounds and I probably won't even eat 2,000 but I still manage to gain weight. I'm just really afraid that I won't be able to get it off and I'll keep gaining weight. I hate that!!! It would be nice to just enjoy a holiday for once without having to freak about about every morsel of food, or having to run up to the bathroom to weigh myself every 2 seconds. I don't have any idea what that would be like.

Eating "normal" is such a foreign concept to me. So not only am I going to have the stress of holiday food, I'm going to have the stress of my parents keeping their eyes on me because of that post that they read which mentions my dread for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Ugh!!! I still can't believe they saw that. I wish my secret went unknown forever.

Everyone (the three people I told about my parents reading my post and confronting me) seem to think it's a good thing. I have found nothing positive out of the situation. Life would be much better if they didn't know anything and didn't have anything to worry about. My mom did say that she suspected there was something going on with my eating for a while. Who knows what that means. I just know that it would be better if they didn't know anything.

I surely get off topic easily. I think I'm going to try and make a yummy salad for either lunch or dinner. I don't have the ingredients I need and I don't feel like going to the store to get anything. I should really go do some Christmas shopping later, while I have the time, but who knows. I need to get catfood too, but I just found a stash of it down in the basement so not I don't really have to go get it.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

"Thin" thoughts

I wrote down some of my thoughts while watching "Thin," Lauren Greenfield's documentary.

If I was ever at a table being forced to eat something with my therapist sitting right there and she said "Can we give her support?" (to the other girls at the table like she was talking to toddlers) I would kill her and be like "Shut the F up lady!!"

And what the hell? I thought they weighed these people backwards so they can't see their weight?

If I ever had to go into a treatment center, which will NEVER happen, I would shoot myself. (not literally). I don't have 1/100 of the problems that these girls have and I can't imagine having to be in one of those places. I can't even begin to imagine what it's like for them. I wouldn't survive it now, never mind if I had a serious problem.


It was a very good documentary, I thought. I'll probably write more later.

Lots of stuff

I’m getting ready to watch the HBO special “Thin.” It’s not on for a few more hours but I have to get everything set up so I can tape it. It worked out so perfectly that my parents aren’t home for this.

It looks like a really good documentary, from what I’ve seen. These poor girls are so sick. I feel so badly for them. I’m grateful that I’m not like that, although I can somewhat relate to how they’re feeling. I’m sure I’m not feeling have as badly as they are though (mentally).

I read some more of Marya Hornbacher’s “Wasted” today. I’m about 2/3 of the way through. It’s really good. It’s amazing what she put herself through. I can’t believe all the shit that she did and went through. I don’t know how she survived and I wonder how much longer she will live as a result of all the damage she has done to her body. It’s sad and scary and somewhat graphic. Blood spatters everywhere when she pukes and she pukes up chunks of her esophagus. It’s nasty but it’s real!

As I read the memoir, a lot of what Hornbacher writes resonates with me. If it was my book I’d probably be underlining a lot of stuff. I read this passage today about the scale, which I know all too well.

You step onto the scale each day, ten times a day. Give or take a few. When you wake up, when you get home from school, after you binge, after you purge, when you eat dinner, after you throw up dinner, before you pee, after you pee, before you gulp handfuls of laxatives, after they take their hideous effect.

Granted I’m not throwing up or taking laxatives, but I know exactly what she’s talking about. It’s all too real.

I look at myself and am thankful for the fact that I’m not sick. I’m not in any physical danger. I’m healthy…at least as far as I know. That’s a good thing.

Okay so here’s what I don’t get. I step on the scale and I see the number. Lately it’s been a number I’ve been happy with, probably because it keeps going down. So there’s obviously that fear, everytime step on the scale that it will go up. That I’ll wake up in the morning and weigh more than I did the day before. However, I don’t think I have that burning desire to weigh 92 pounds anymore. I don’t know what that’s about. It’s like, yeah I want to lose weight but what will being 92 pounds do for me? Does that mean I’m making progress? Who the hell knows? I sure don’t. I just know that I want to keep losing weight. I want to be smaller.

I went shopping the other day and bought a pair of pants. I could have, and probably should have gotten a smaller size. Actually, they didn’t have a smaller size in the color I bought. Obviously in this day and age you really can’t judge your size by the size of clothes because they’re making clothes bigger and labeling them as a smaller size to make all of us women feel better.

I ended up with a size 2 and would have gotten the tan ones in a size 0, until I realized that they were 30 dollars more for the same exact pair of pants that I didn’t really need in the first place. So, I didn’t get them but it got me thinking. How can I think I am big when I can wear a zero?? (Well, at least at Ann Taylor. Who knows what I’d wear at another store).

It’s funny though. I never judged my body by the size of my clothes. I just bought what felt good and went from there. I still don’t use size as a gauge. It’s still the mirror and the scale, and how I feel! Those are big, as are my thighs. ;)

So yeah, that was a random post with a bunch of different stuff.

I haven’t eaten protein in a long time and feel like I need it, but not tonight. I’m done eating for the day. Maybe I’ll have a protein shake tomorrow.

Ugh, I got sauce all over my sweatshirt while I was cleaning the pan. Blah!

Met the guy for sushi today for his lunch break. Of course I only had a cucumber roll since I don’t eat anything from the sea. NOTHING!! It was a quick, 30 minute lunch.

That’s all for now.

Monday, November 13, 2006

One week later

It’s been one week since “The Incident.” I’ve been lucky to not have been home much of the past week and now my parents are gone for a week. So, no more talk of my body, food or “what’s bothering me psychologically” has come up. Ugh, that was such a dreadful night.

It’s kind of funny because I’m sitting here thinking hmm, maybe I’ll have an apple for dinner. We know where that freaking apple landed me last week. Not that it was really the apple but rather what I wrote about the apple.

Apparently what I had written that night and what my parents saw was worse than I thought. D. read it today and said it was pretty bad, but agreed that it was not the worst thing I had written. There is no way that the lies I told were believable. What I wrote and what I said did not add up. Apparently I suck at lying, especially in stressful situations.

What’s changed in the week since “The Incident?” Not much. I lost weight. This morning, I weighed the least I’ve weighed in a long time. I did weigh this when I had the stomach flu but I’m not sure that counts. So, that makes me happy. It also scares me a little because of the constant fear of gaining it back.

Is my whole life going to be this way? I guess I’m the only one who can decide that and make a change. I don’t want to be like this forever but the thought of changing is very, very scary. It’s the unknown. It’s the fear of gaining weight. Okay, so it’s mostly the fear of gaining weight.

My friend was telling me about this dream she had. It’s pretty funny. She dreamt that I wouldn’t eat a piece of cake for my birthday. My response to her when she told me, “yeah, don't get me any cake. “ I will throw this out there so she can hold me to it; I will eat a few bites of a dessert the next time we go out! (There’s no getting out of this one now.)

Time to make my baked apple with cinnamon.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Scary-oke

I'm back from New York! Had a blast, as usual. Let me try and recap...

Woke up Saturday morning and left my friend J.'s place. I dropped my bag off at my friend's and then headed out to do some shopping. Bought new sunglasses and a pair of pants. I ate my breakfast outside before shopping. After shopping I went back to G's place and we hung out until it was time to meet the real estate agent.

We went to meet the agent at one of the street corners. We waited and waited...and waited. He never showed. After many phone calls back and forth to the real estate office, which I made G. handle because she's much better at that stuff than I am, we finally left to grab some lunch. The loser never showed!!

I did end up seeing two places, with other agent. One was nice the other wasn't. I stayed late to see one today but when we got there, the agent couldn't open the door. Should I take these things as a hint??

So, last night was ok. Not as fun as it usually is but I was still with my friends. G. and I were getting ready for the evening. We're both a little dorky and we were practicing our dance moves for the night. We had to get the choreography down!

Getting dressed was when things got a little rough. I had a mini breakdown. (not really a breakdown but I don't know what else to call it.) First I hated my outfit because I was clashing colors and too many sparkles. My hair looked like crap too. Then I decided that I hated my jeans because my legs looked so huge in them. The other jeans I have fall off me so I didn't want to wear those. I tried changing shirts to maybe make the outfit better. That didn't help. G. gave me a shirt and I looked even fatter in that. So, that was out of the question. She gave me some jeans too but they were 8 feet too long. I ended up wearing the big jeans and keeping everything else the same, including my ugly hair.

Anyway, we got to karaoke it was way too crowded. We couldn't get a table. The karaoke guy hates us, as does the waitress, and it was 7 thousand degrees in the place. It was a sad karaoke night. We did manage to throw in a few dance moves though. We're just hoping that we're not "over" that place because we like it there. :( And, it's so close to home. (Not my home, but maybe soon it will be close to my home).

So that was that. I had a good time with my friend's, as usual, ate some good pizza, and did a little shopping, and the weather was great!

Now, the TOP THINGS I love about NYC:

1. Make your own salads
2. Walking everywhere
3. Pizza (I found the perfect pizza eating partner. She likes extra cheese and I want NO cheese so I give her mine. Works out wonderfully for everyone!)

I didn't get to workout, but I think I'm okay. I still lost weight. :) Another great thing about NY!

Friday, November 10, 2006

Friday night in NYC

I'm sitting in my friend J.'s apartment on the upper west side right now. She had to go out and meet with her advisor so I stayed here. I figured I'd do a little reading and just chill with the cats. I'll probably end up falling asleep.

I saw the model at the gym today. He actually came over and rode the bike right next to me. He said "I'll come next to you since all the treadmills are taken." Um, OK!!! We chatted a bit. I LOVE HIM!! Oh God, he is just so beautiful and his voice is so beautiful, and he's smart and I LOVE HIM!!! Okay, now that we got that squared away, he'll still never ask me out.

I feel fat. I can't weigh myself until I get home on Sunday. I've made it through the week without my parents saying anything more to me about my eating. Am I completely niave and in denial by thinking they'll never bring it up again and that they have forgotten all about it??

Anyway, I'm going to do some reading. Tomorrow I will apartment hunt. I should have brought clothes to go running in the park or something. It's going to be so nice out!!

I'll be back Sunday.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Not much for blogging

I haven't been much for posting lately. I've been busy. I've made myself be away more than usual as to avoid certain things. So far it's working and I've steered clear of any more confrontations.

I'm pretty tired right now. I'm heading to nyc for the weekend. I really need this weekend away. It will be good in many ways. I have to fill my friend J. in on everything that happened with my rents. It will be really good to talk to someone face to face. I talked to my friend R. on Tuesday, the day after the shit hit the fan and she was a big help, but it will be good to sit with someone and have a conversation live and in person.

I'll also be apartment hunting. Wooo hooo! That should be fun. R's coming with me for that. Then, of course, there will be karaoke. Always a blast! So that's where I'm heading.

I haven't really been able to write about how I've been feeling here lately. I can't think about writing about how fat I feel, etc. I can't deal with the whole eating disorder thing right now. I think I've gone into denial and am just pretending that everything is okay and my behaviors are normal. Oh well.

Off to bed.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Horrified!

I don't even know where to begin. Haven't felt much like blogging the past few days. I've been trying to stay away from my parents to avoid any possible conversations about my eating, or lack there of. I did learn one thing from this whole incident: I will write my posts in blogger and not worry about any grammatical errors, rather than write it in Word and copying and pasting it.

So, Monday night completely sucked. There's no way in hell that my parents believed any of the lies I told them. I told them I was fine and healthy. I told them that I didn't think I was fat and that I just hated my legs. I told them that nothing is bothering me. I told them I didn't know when this all started.

My mom asked if I wanted to see a therapist. To hear that word come out of her mouth...the word that I can't stand for some reason was weird. I said "no" to that question. She kept asking me when this all started and I said "I don't know." She was not satisfied with that answer. She kept on asking me. Both asked me what was that matter. They wanted to know what was bothering me "psychologically" to make me feel this way. They wanted to know who I sent that "email" (the post) to? I said no one and told them that it was just something that I wrote. My dad responded with "it must really be bothering you if you wrote about it." UGH!

It was a horrific night. My dad asked me if I was bulimic. He actually was more knowledgeable about this than I thought. He must have done some research before I got home. My mom said that the first thing I do when I get home is run upstairs. It's true, I go change my clothes and weigh myself. I don't know how the conversation finally ended, but I was so thankful it did.

I just tried reading the post that they had read. It's horrifying. I can't get through it. It's not even one of my "worse" posts, but just knowing that they read that freaks me out.

My heartrate was much higher than usual yesterday. It was also palpitating while I was teaching because I am so nervous about everything surrounding my parents now. It really sucks!

I'm very grateful that I have a social life this week. I won't be home for dinner tonight or tomorrow night and I'm going away this weekend. Then they leave to go away on Monday for 6 days, then they're home for a day and I go and house sit 4 days. (that's over Thanksgiving).

Re-living what happened on Monday is horrible for me. I just want to pretend it will all go away and that my parents will forget about it all. Perhaps I'm in a state of denial but that's a lot easier than having to replay what happened in my mind all day long.

I didn't sleep much Monday night and when I did I had nightmares about the confrontation. I asked my mom, as they were talking to me, why she looked mad. She said, "I'm not mad. I'm concerned." I told her that there was no need for concern.

I just want it all to be over with. Make it go away. PLEASE!!!

(I must admit, some of my lies were pretty good...I think)


Most importantly, THANK YOU GUYS for ALL YOUR SUPPORT! It's much appreciated (and needed)

Monday, November 06, 2006

F***

I don't even know where to begin and I can't even write about this right now, but my parents confronted me about my eating. They saw my last post about the apple on my computer because I had copy and pasted it to put it on blogger and then when my dad was on my computer he hit paste and it showed up. FUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCKKKKK. I did a horrible job at denying everything and now I'm fucking screwed. I can't even write about this right now. I just want to go into hiding for a while. FUCK!

An apple a day

I can’t eat dinner tonight; or rather I won’t let myself eat dinner tonight. I need to lose weight. I weigh too much right now and I’m hoping it’s because I had soup for lunch. I don’t really know if that would have anything to do with it but we’ll see.

Right now I am making an apple for dinner. It’s a huge Mutzu apple. They are really very filling. I cut it up and put some cinnamon on it and popped it in the microwave. I’m hoping that will fill me up and keep me satisfied until I go to bed.

I’m starting to dread the holidays too. First Thanksgiving and then Christmas. It’s like the never ending season of food around the house. Eat, eat! That’s all ya hear. Last year I was lucky enough to get the stomach flu the day after Christmas so I didn’t eat for 6 days. That was great. If only I could get that lucky again this year. Granted, laying on the bathroom floor feeling absolute miserable for a night was not the best thing in the world, but not eating for 6 days and having NO appetite was lovely!! Although, my workouts suffered a bit, but who cares because I lost weight!

I sound pathetic. You think at this age I would be over this and have more important things to be concerned about. What’s wrong with me?? I’ll be 29 one month from today and here I am eating an apple for dinner because my scale says I shouldn’t eat anything at all. Will it ever change? Will I ever change?

Obsessed much?

I’m bummed about my workout this morning. It sucks because now that I had such a good (aka burned a lot of calories) workout yesterday, I need to have that everyday and I just don’t have the time for that. I could get my ass out of bed at 5 AM so I can workout for 3 hours, but who the hell wants to do that. I could, and probably will start going back to the gym at night a few times a week to lift and do a little more cardio. I want to burn 800 calories everyday now. I know that’s obsessive to want to have to do that everyday but it’s kind of driving me insane that today I only burned 400. That’s totally unacceptable for me. The more calories burned the better. At least I have dance class tonight, not that that burns a whole lot of calories.

I’m obsessed. I know it. I don’t know what I’m going to do this weekend. I’ll be away Friday night until Sunday, which means no working out Saturday and Sunday. Let’s hope I do a lot of walking around. It would be nice to not have to think about this stuff.

So, I have another day with the PT guy on Wednesday. We’re going to dinner at the place we were supposed to go to dinner at on Friday. I joked with him before we went out last week that I am the cheapest date he’ll ever have. When the bill came he laughed and said “I don’t remember ever having a bill this cheap.” That’s what you get when you go out with a girl who eats salad and drinks water.

When we were out, I was worried that he was going to order dessert and want to split it. Thank God he didn’t. He had some coffee and I had tea. I wonder how long I can go just ordering salads. I don’t really think it’s that abnormal to do so maybe he doesn’t either. He seems to eat pretty healthy, I think. I guess I don’t really know.

Ew, I just need to get in shape. Maybe I should train for a marathon. That’s probably the only way I’ll get skinny. I probably wouldn’t be able to walk, which wouldn’t be good thing. I hope my body still functions like a well oiled machine when I’m 40. I hope all this working out doesn’t come back to haunt me.

Blah!

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Good workout :)

I went to bed at 9 o’clock last night and I’m still exhausted. Don’t know what the deal is. I think is the time change. I just tried to take a nap but it didn’t happen so now I am writing.

Okay, it’s now hours later. My sis stopped by and then my friends stopped by. I’m trying to book a cruise for December. I need to get out and get tan!!

Yesterday, while I was at field hockey, I heard some high school girls chatting while they were getting food. One commented how she “couldn’t have a cookie.” Another said how she needed to do crunches and another said that it wasn’t her stomach that is the problem, it’s her legs. It was sad to hear them say those things about their bodies, and to worry so much at that age when they should be enjoying life and having fun.


I wonder how much more fun I would have had if I hadn’t been worrying about every calorie and what I looked like and how much I weighed. Hmm, I guess I still wonder.

I had to make up for my crappy workout yesterday so I spent a lot of time at the gym this morning. Actually, I wanted to see if the model would come in so I stayed later than I would usually stay. He didn’t come in but I had a good workout. I ran 4.5 miles and then took a sports conditioning class. Then I rode the bike for 35 minutes and then I did some triceps and my shoulder exercises. I burned 816 (yes, an odd number. Ew) calories. So, I was really happy with that but now I want to burn that many calories everyday. Of course, that always happens when I burn a lot of calories. I never want to burn less. Let’s just hope the scale is nice tonight. There’s no reason why it shouldn’t be, but there’s always that fear.

I made minestrone soup today. Put tons of carrots and celery in it. It’s really good, if I do say so myself. (and I do)

I really need to empty the litter box but I think I’ll just go to bed instead. I can’t remember the last time I emptied it though. I’m hoping it’s not really bad. I’m just too tired to do it now…as I sit here and type.

I wish I had 2 ½ hours to work out everyday. That would be nice.

Oh, so the guy I went on the date keeps telling me that I need to take 2 days off a week from the gym. Like that is going to happen. He said, “I’m really happy you’re going away this weekend because you will be forced to take time off.” If only he knew that mentally it’s not the best thing for me.

K, bedtime.

Saturday, November 04, 2006

The date...and some other stuff

I’m sitting home on a Saturday night and I’m really happy about it. I’m tired and ready to go to bed. I’m all comfy in my flannel santa pj pants and my sweatshirt drinking my green tea.

First things first, I woke up this morning and didn’t go to the gym. I woke up at 7:30 and had to be at field hockey at 8:15. I figured, even if I got to the gym at 6:30, which I really didn’t want to do on a Saturday morning I wouldn’t have enough time to workout and then put on all my layers to be outside all day.

I was at the field in the 29 degree weather at 8:15 AM. It actually didn’t feel as cold as it was, probably because the sun was shining and there was little wind. I didn’t get home from hockey until 2 PM. I ate a little lunch and then went to the gym. I like to workout first thing in the morning so going at this hour was not exciting to me to begin with. To top it off, I forgot my gym bag with my mp3 player in it. Ugh! So, I tried to workout but it wasn’t very successful. I don’t even count today as a workout. I plan on working out for 2-3 hours tomorrow. Besides, the longer I stay there the better chance I have at seeing the model.

Onto my date last night; it was good. We went to dinner and had a nice time. There was this acoustic guitar player and singer there and both were really good. The singer had an awesome voice. So we were sitting at the table singing along to the songs when all of a sudden he leaned over to kiss me. Okay, at first I thought he was going to tell me something but I was wrong. He wanted a full-fledged make-out session at the dinner table. Um, I DON’T think so. First off all, we were only in to hour two of our date. Second of all, WE WERE AT DINNER!! I do NOT partake in PDA (public displays of affection). I totally told him that. I pulled my head away and said “I hate PDA.” It was a little uncomfortable.

We continued on with our evening and listening to the music. I proceeded to play the spoons and use them as drumsticks as well. That was fun. Then we left, when the restaurant closed and went and played pool. It was fun except he was kind of all over me again. I didn’t get home until a little after 1 AM.

So, I’m trying to figure out what my problem is with him. I had a great time with him but I think I feel like all he wants is some physical action. He was very touchy-feely and I’m so not the type that’s going to just do whatever. So, if he thinks he’s going to get me in his bed he’s wrong.

Here’s another big thing; his girlfriend just moved out of his place last week. He said they’ve been “done” since December and officially broken up since July, but that’s still a concern for me. I don’t want to be a “rebound” girl. Maybe I just think too much.

He wanted to go out again tonight but I told him I had plans. Is that wrong? There’s probably something wrong with me (okay, we know that there is ;) but I don’t need to see him two nights in a row already. We spend almost 6 hrs together last night. Wow, that’s a lot.

So that’s that. We’ll see what happens. I’ll definitely go out with him again. I’m still waiting for my date with the model though. ;) (I’ll probably be waiting a long time!)


The good news is, my scale is still okay number-wise. Ahhh, the important things in life.

Friday, November 03, 2006

Dinner plans...

Got changed again!! Ugh! I'm just going to get a plain ole salad with nothing on it. I'm not even hungry.

Date night

I have my date in a few hours. I’m actually kind of excited about it. I don’t know what I’m going to wear but it’s really not that big of a deal.

I’m kind of falling asleep right now, which is not good. I’d take a nap but I have to go ref a game in a few minutes. Not looking forward to being outside in the cold.

So, I’ve narrowed down my dinner choices. (we’ve changed restaurants.) I’ll have either the:

Mango Madness Salad
Citrus fruit and fresh mango's with macadamia nuts, feta cheese, tomatoes, cucumbers, tossed with field greens and topped with a key lime vinaigrette

OR

Asian Ginger Salad
carrots, snap peas, water chestnuts, almonds, crisp won tons, green onions tossed with sesame ginger vinaigrette

With grilled chicken and dressing on the side. Sounds good. I don’t really like mango but I think I would like the salad. I’m leaning towards that one.

So, I’m excited about the yummy choices and the company, I guess. ;) No, it will be fun. I am looking forward to it. So far we’ve had decent conversations on the phone.

So that’s that. I guess I should get going. I just hope I can make it through the evening without feeling too fat.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

When it's time to change

The time change is totally killing me for some reason. Its 7:45 and I could fall asleep right now. What’s up with that? I’ve been waking up around 5-5:30 AM but have been able to fall back to sleep sometimes. I’ll go to bed at 9 tonight.

My parents are completely driving my insane. I love them to death but I think they think that I am stupid or something. They give me the “you need to figure out what you want to do with your life” lecture all the time. Um, like I don’t know that already. Do you really think I need you telling me that? Re-enforcing the fact that I have no clue what I want to do with my life. Um, not so much.

I’ve accomplished nothing in my life so far. I feel like all my friends have good jobs or are married and have kids and here I am, almost 29 years old, living with my parents, have no boyfriend and have this stupid job. How’s that working out for me? It just screams “LOSER!” That’s pretty much what I feel like, a big loser.

My parents also think, and I’ve said this before, that I am this self-centered person who doesn’t compromise and is not caring. Okay, I can be that way but I think for the most part that is not true. They have no idea how much I care about my friends and what I’d do and do do for them. In most cases I put their needs before my own. I’m always trying to help out my friends and make them feel better if they’re having a rough day or something. WTF? I know a lot of times I like things to be my way, but I do compromise. Perhaps it’s because when I’m with them I want things to be my way. I wish they could just see the real me. I said to them at dinner tonight, “you don’t even know me.”

I feel bad writing this because they really are the greatest parents, who care very deeply about me. That’s probably the problem; maybe they care too much. I don’t know. Maybe I’m just old and need my space. My rents are good peeps and I love them. I guess they wouldn’t be parents if they didn’t annoy us, right?

Eating out

I just decided that all restaurants should have two things: They should have a website with the menu and they should have nutritional facts for everything on the menu. I want to know how many calories and fat something has that way I can decide what I can or can’t eat. Granted, I usually just order a salad without dressing on it anyway, but perhaps there are other possibilities out there for me.

With NYC going trans fat free I think it’s only a matter of time that menus start having this info. Some restaurants do provide nutritional facts, and I love them for that. Why can’t they all do it? I understand that there’s a lot involved with providing that info, but we need to know so we can make healthy choices!

Perhaps this is just my crazy obsessive personality that wants this info. It would just make decision making so much easier. I’m a picky eater anyway, so menus are always very limited for me already, but it this info was provided I could be like nope can’t eat that, or yeah, that’s okay for me to eat.

Okay, I think that I am thinking too much now.

I do know that I need to get out of my house and get my own place. I want some space. I’m too old to still be living at home. I’ll be psyched next week when my rents go away and I have the house to myself for a week. It’s always bad when they come back though because I get annoyed by them so much faster.

I just checked out the menu for the restaurant I am going to tomorrow night, on my date. Looks good. There are actually several things that I can get. I may end up with pasta, which I try not to eat all that much but we’ll see. Maybe I’ll splurge and get the gnocchi…only the heaviest pasta out there. Or, perhaps I will just get a salad. We’ll see how I feel. It would be so much easier if it didn’t matter and I could just order what I really want. I wonder what that would be like.

Hmm, I’m getting a knot in my back. Good think the date is with a physical therapist.

For those who know me: I can say the word “therapist” when it’s not used alone, as in “physical therapist.” Other than that, the word is like nails on a chalkboard for me. It makes me cringe. I actually discussed that with D. yesterday. I said, “I hate the word therapist.” She said, “I wonder why that is.” “I don’t know.”

Kellie Pickler is on “The View.” I love her! She cracks me up.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Phone-ache

I just spent the past two hours on the phone with this guy who is a physical therapist at the place I went to PT at. He called me up and asked me out for Friday night. Obviously, that didn't take two hours to do. We did quite a bit of chatting and he seems nice. He recently broke up with his girlfriend, whom he lived with, so he comes with a little baggage. We'll see how it goes.

Honestly, I hate dating. Not that I've gone on all that many dates, but they're pretty uncomfortable for the most part. There are many moments of awkwardness, especially at the end of the date. How is he going to say goodbye? A hug? A kiss? Or a Kiiisssss? It's just awkward. The worst is when you're totally not into the guy and he goes in for the kiss. I'm so bad like that because I don't want to hurt his feelings. Hate that.

Then there's my friend T. We dated for a little bit but now we just see each other every now and then. He's the guy who "doesn't want a relationship" but doesn't mind "fooling around." So, T. and I hang out occasionally, and I'm attracted to him (although I feel like there is something missing), but T.'s not getting what he thinks he might get. I need some commitment first.

Back to my date. Okay, I am going out to dinner Friday night. Ahhh, the dinner date...I think that's a whole other post for "people like me." Hmm, he's going to pick me up, take me to dinner, then who knows what. There's not much to do around here. Maybe some tea (caffeine free of course) and no dessert. I just hope there's no awkwardness.

Nov. 1

Hmm, where to start…

Halloween was fun. Ended running into D. and going to dinner with her and some of her friends and her son. It was 8:30 so I had already eaten so I just sat there. I was in my Halloween costume (Mom Jeans) and the waitress thought I was pregnant. I stood up to leave and she asked “do you know what you’re having?” I was like huh? Then I proceeded to tell her that I was not pregnant and said “do you think I really wear my pants up this high?” It was funny.

I got home last night and there was a message that the guy from PT called. I called him back today, but I’m sure he was at work. Word has it that he wants to go out sometime. I’ll give a shot. Word also has it that he has a lot of baggage.

This morning I worked out and taught a class then went to see D. I had to go get headshots done for our work website today. That was quick and painless; of course I haven’t seen the pictures so I don’t really know how painless it was. I also went to the grocery store to get some pears and to Wal-Mart, because I had to kill time.

Now I am home watching some ed movie that’s on tv. I’ve seen it before but I don’t remember it. So far it’s not very good. I’d actually like to take a nap because I am exhausted for some reason. I have to watch Dancing with the Stars at some point too.

I feel like I had more to write about but I don’t know what so I will stop for now.