Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Happy Halloween

Witch Trick O' Treater Frankenstein's Bride Haunted House Spinning 3D Jack-o-Lantern
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Speaking of scary...I saw my legs in the mirror while I was at the gym today and I wanted to throw up. They are so disgustingly huge and I can’t stand it. I seriously don’t understand how people can think that I have nice legs and small legs. I don’t know what they are looking at. Yes, they are muscular, which I don’t like and everyone always says “you have such muscular legs.” Yeah people, that’s not really making me feel any better. If they were really defined it would be one thing, but they are huge freaking tree trunks. Ugh! I just want little skinny sticks like Martina has.

Then there are my fat arms. Gotta love those too! I need to start lifting weights more often…much more often, but every time I start I feel like my arms get bigger and then I completely freak out and stop. There is no happy medium for me.

I did weights for the first time in a while today. I went all out and my shoulder is fine so far. I actually sort of liked my shoulder definition. Of course my right are is more defined than my left so that really bugs me. I’m so anal and obsessive.

If I could drop 8-10 pounds it would be perfect. I’d probably be able to see my muscles, instead of seeing the layers of fat that keep them warm. Is that so much to ask for? I don’t know how I can do it though. If I completely starve myself I won’t be able to work out, but if I don’t, I won’t lose weight. Again, no happy medium. Grrr.

On a brighter note, it’s almost 70 degree out. Wooo Hoo! If only it were sunny enough for me to lay out.





Monday, October 30, 2006

"Mischief Night"

I just got back from our fh game and am going to head to bed. I have a headache and kind of feel a little nauseous. Hmm, maybe I’ll get the stomach flue again. J I’d be okay with that. Six days of no eating isn’t such a bad thing. Unfortunately, I don’t think I am going to get the stomach bug.

I had my heat on full blast in my car trying to warm up from that 40 degree weather. I’ve shed a few layers of clothing and now I am cold. Not to fret, my electric blanket is on so my bed will be nice and warm for me when I crawl into to.

I have a weighing fear again tonight. I just have a feeling I’m not going to like what I see. Not that that’s really all that unusual, but whatever. I guess I’ll find out soon.

I had a weird dream last night. I dreamt that I had binged on ice cream and potato chips. In my dream, I was freaking out because I was like “I have to get rid of it. I have to go get rid of it.” I woke up kind of scared that I had actually eaten all that. That was weird. I know why I had the dream. I was reading “Wasted” right before I went to sleep and she was talking about her binges.

Okay, so I am off to bed. Maybe tomorrow I will have something worth posting.

I love Halloween! Tonight is "Mischief Night," by the way.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Cleaning house

I’m actually being somewhat productive today. I woke up this morning and stayed at my sister’s house for a little bit. Then I left and drove home to go to the gym. I started my workout at 10:30, which is much later than usual. I’m usually out of there by then. Actually, if we hadn’t changed the clocks back it would have been 11:30.

Anyway, I hopped on the treadmill and was on there for about 3 minutes when I saw the model. I almost fell off!! I hadn’t seen him since January, but now he’s back! Woo freaking hoo!!! So, what’s a girl to do?? I hopped off and went to talk to him. I tried to make it so it wasn’t obvious but I’m sure that didn’t happen.

We chatted for about 10 minutes. Oh, I love him!! The weird thing is, I had a dream about him the other night and in my dream he got this bowl haircut. So, today, three days after my dream, I saw him. How weird is that? And, he had a new haircut. WTF?? So freaking weird.

It was funny. I said hello to him and walked towards him and it was almost like he was going to come over and give me a hug. That’s how it felt. It seemed like he was kind of walking towards me with his arms out but I wasn’t sure so I didn’t do anything. Realistically, I don’t really think he would have given me a hug.
So we chatted about stuff and when we said goodbye he said “have a nice run” and my name. I was woo hoo, he knows my name. Um, have I mentioned that I LOVE HIM!!

Okay, so I hopped back on the treadmill. Needless to say I was a little excited so motivation wasn’t an issue. Ran a quick 6 miles then hopped on the bike. I should have lifted and done more cardio but it was pretty late at this point in time.

Now I am upstairs cleaning my room. Although, I think I made more of a mess. I’m going to finish it up now and then go relax for a bit.

Oh, I weighed myself too and I was surprised to find that I hadn’t gained any weight. I was sure I had. It would be nice if I could just keep losing weight. I can at least keep trying.

Back to work.

Saturday, October 28, 2006

Howling winds

I am babysitting at my sister’s house tonight. The boys have been so cute. They’re a bit scared because of the strong winds, which are making lots of “scary” noises. I stuck them in bed together because they were scared. The older one was so cute. He put his arm around the little guy and said “I will snuggle with you so you won’t be scared.” Ugh, how cute is that? I was also lying in bed with them to make them feel better. I’m actually going to head up to bed soon because I’m tired.

I’m feeling fat and gross right now and I haven’t weighed myself since this morning. I am scared to find out what I weigh when I get home tomorrow. That’s always a cause for anxiety. I hate it.

I will head to the gym before I go home. I need to have an extra long workout tomorrow. I’m hoping to run 6-7 miles and then maybe ride the bike or lift some weights or do all of those things. Hmm, same thing different day.

So that’s it. I’m going to bed.

Friday, October 27, 2006

Fat Friday

I have to leave in 50 minutes to go to our field hockey game. Once again it’s freezing out. I guess I should expect that, being it the end of October and all. I wish it was July all year round.

The good news is that I won’t be home for dinner. I’m looking and feeling really fat right now. That’s never a good thing. I woke up this morning thinking how nice it would be to not be a slave to the scale anymore. Part of me thinks about trying to not step on the scale but the rest of me doesn’t like those thoughts. If I knew I wouldn’t gain weight, I’d stop weighing myself right now. Maybe if I lost 5 pounds I could stop weighing myself. Okay, I know that that would never happen. Who am I kidding.

I just wish that there was a way to get rid of this for once and for all. No more cares about what I’m going to eat, how much I’m going to work out, or how much I weigh. It would be so nice to be free from all of that. On the other hand, however, that’s a really scary thought. I feel like this is me. This is who I am. I’m the compulsive exerciser who “eats healthy.” It kind of makes you feel guilty when you have a bite of something that you wouldn’t normally eat and someone says to you “you’re eating that?” Right then and there you don’t want to take a bite anymore because you feel like you’re doing something wrong. Just lovely. You can’t win. People say things to you when you don’t eat and people say things when you do. It’s a lose-lose situation.

Ew, I need to weigh myself when I change my clothes. I have a feeling that I’m not going to be happy with what my scale says. Blah!

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Too boring for a title

Have I mentioned before that I HATE cold weather?? Ugh, I have to be outside both tomorrow late afternoon and Monday night. Not looking forward to it at all.

I did laundry tonight and washed my favorite jeans that I bought in the Hamptons this summer. Two of the stones fell off so I’m not that happy about that. I checked the label carefully before washing them. It said “machine wash cold.” No special directions or anything. I think next time I will just hand wash them or let them soak and then rinse them myself. I can’t risk anymore bead disasters.

I just booked a flight for my parents to go visit my bro. I tried to get them to leave a few days earlier but they weren’t into that. I will have the house to myself for almost a week, which will be nice. Of course, when they come home they annoy me even more so than they do when they are here all the time.

So I’m reading Marya Hornbacher’s book “Wasted.” I haven’t had much time to read so I’m not that far into it yet. She was talking about how she would eat candy bars when she was growing up.

I ate the candy bars like this: Eat the chocolate off, then eat the middle. Nibble first at the flat part at the bottom. Then eat each side, then the top…then the carmelly middle part.

That’s exactly how I used to eat candy bars too, Twix and Kit Kats especially. I wonder if it’s a kid thing or a weird eating thing? Should be interesting to see what else we have in common. I found some similarities in the first few pages as well. I can’t wait to keep reading.

I have to get my hair cut and highlighted tomorrow. It’s way too dark and it needs to be lighter. I also need a tan but there’s not much I can do about that until I go on vacation or until summer comes.

I have a huge blister on my hand which formed at the gym today. I helped it along a bit by picking at my hand. I want to pop it but I know that won’t feel too good.

So, my workout was pretty okay. I did a lot of cardio so my legs are a bit tired. Did 75 minutes on the elliptical and then took a 45 minute cycling class. Can’t wait for tomorrow. (That was me being sarcastic).

My cat is driving me insane and has to keep sitting on me so I can’t type. She just wants me to go upstairs to bed. I guess I will.

Field hockey and hot chocolate

I just got home from watching my college team play field hockey. There’s nothing I like better than sitting outside in the freezing cold weather (43 degrees) with a major wind chill, for 90 minutes. I had on a pair of leggings, jeans, wool socks, fuzzy warm socks, Ugg boots (even though I really do think they are ugly), a long sleeve long underwear shirt, turtle neck, wool sweater, down jacket, hat, gloves and a scarf. Um, I still can’t feel my toes. I am sitting here drinking hot lemon water now, which I keep refilling.

It’s still really hard for me to watch my team play. I want to be out on the field more than anything. The uniforms are so much cooler now too. I want to wear them.

I ran in to two of the girls I played with, one of which I was captains with. Both are now engaged, which is so depressing for me. I was like “uh, now I’m depressed. I don’t even have any prospects.” They joked about how I had two pairs of pants on and still had skinny legs and didn’t need to be on the ‘wedding diet.’” I was like, “whatever.” Neither of these girls is big.

I talked to my coach after. I haven’t seen her for a while, though I talk to her on occasion. I told her we’d have lunch in a few weeks, when the season is over. (I really don’t feel like eating lunch with her, but what else can we do to get together?) I get weird around her with food because she knew I had some eating issues so I feel dumb eating in front of her. I just feel like she’s watching me. She’s cool though and it was nice to see her. She said, “I was thinking about you and how much you love this cold weather.” Ha! I looked like an Eskimo. She knows me so well. So, it was fun and nice to see them win!

On another note, I was thinking about hot chocolate today. I haven’t had hot chocolate, beside the sugar free Swiss Miss kind, in years. I want to be able to have, and enjoy, a real cup of hot chocolate; one that doesn’t taste like gross chocolate water. There are so many times when I just want to have a nice mug of it but can’t do it. I was thinking about that at practice today. It would taste so good right now too. But, I can’t do it. I actually freaked myself out a little just thinking about drinking something with 300 or so calories in it. There is no way that I could do it. Even if I used it as one of my meals, I couldn’t do it. WTF?

That’s why I don’t drink alcohol or anything but water and tea for that matter. I don’t want to consume any liquid calories. I’m fine without drinking alcohol and I don’t like soda, but a cup of hot cocoa, or some juice or something would be nice sometimes.

With that said, I need to refill my mug with hot water and lemon.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Graduation

I graduated from physical therapy on Monday. I went in to tell them that that was going to be my last visit, because my shoulder doesn’t hurt, and they said that they were going to release me anyway. Woo hoo! So, I just did my exercises and have to keep doing them three times per week. I actually started doing them on my left side as well because I think doing them has made my right arm a little thinner. Now, it could just be my imagination, but I am not taking any chances. Maybe I should do my left arm everyday so it can catch up to my right one.

Oh, so you have to watch Dancing With the Stars tonight. Martina is going to be on. She’ll be singing two songs. I wonder what she’ll wear. Notice that she is about 2 pounds.

I was freezing before, bundled up in a fleece sweatshirt and a fleece vest. Now I’m sitting here in a tank top. No, I’m not having a hot flash (for once), it’s from doing my exercises.

I just had an idea. Every time I get cold, I will do some sort of exercise. What a great idea. I will get warm and burn calories. J Yeah!

I can’t decide what I want to be for Halloween. Hmm, something to think about, but I don’t have much time. I have a few ideas. It’s not like I have anywhere to go, I just liked to get dressed up. I’m such a child.

Okay, I should probably be productive somehow now.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Spoooky

I’ve been thinking about things that scare me lately, probably because some things have brought a little fear to me. I guess one thing that scares me is my weight. I know obvious, right? Let me explain. I get scared when I gain a pound or two because I fear that I will just keep getting fatter. However, I also get scared when I start to lose weight because I fear that I won’t be able to stop.

I lost 2-3 pounds over the past month, which makes me very happy, but also scared as well. Scared that it will come back with any morsel of food that I put in my mouth, and scared that I will keep losing weight and not be able to stop. Confusing, right? I know it confuses me too. I want to lose weight and am so happy when I see the numbers go down so I don’t really know why it scares me. Maybe I fear losing control? (Weird, I know). Maybe I fear that I’d just gain it back. I don’t know what it is.

The thought of changing my thoughts and behaviors also scares me. That would mean having to change everything about me. It actually kind of scares me that I’m thinking I may almost be ready to try and change. Okay, that really scares me.

Obviously, the scariest thing is the weight gain. I can’t, don’t want to, and don’t need to gain any weight. I can’t let it happen. I won’t let it happen. I can’t accept that. That’s why, for lack of a better word, “recovery” is such a scary thing. I can’t imagine what that fear would be like for someone who really has an eating disorder.

With that said, I wrote a long email to email to my friend last night. The type of email that made me realize (because I was pointing out a lot of stuff) that maybe I do have an eating disorder. I go through this all the time in my brain…sometimes I honestly believe that I have an eating disorder and other times I don’t. Why do I think that I have to weigh 80 pounds to an eating disorder? It’s just the way I think. I guess it’s that all or nothing mentality with me. I really don't know.


With that said, why the hell, at almost 29 years old, do my parents still feel the need to tell me how to live my life?

My dad 10 minutes ago: You need to get out of that job you have and find a new one. It's served it's purpose.

UGH, my thoughts were why the hell don't you just shut the fuck up and let me do what I want to do? (Of course, those were just my thoughts. I don't think I responded to his statement.) Sometimes I hate people.

Monday, October 23, 2006

Making the move??

I’m seriously considering making the move to New York City. It all seems to be falling into place. It’s kind of weird.

I’ve been looking at apartments and surprisingly, you can get a nice two bedroom for a fairly good price. I’d just need to find a roommate. Most of my friends live in the city. I have a lot of friends here, but a lot of them are older or in relationships so they don’t go out much. There’s also no where to go in this area.

I have so much fun when I am in the city. There’s so much to do and so much opportunity. I love meeting new people too, and that’s the place to do it. Lord knows I’m not going to find a husband here! I also love the places where I can make my own salads. They’re good!

My boss told me that I could go to NYC if I wanted to and work from there. So, that’s not an issue. I don’t really enjoy my job but I could do it until I found something else. My biggest concern would be finding a good gym that I could afford. I guess I could see if I could teach somewhere and get a free membership. That’s always a nice perk. I’d be scared of the audition though. I just feel like I’m not good enough.

So, those are my thoughts right now. We’ll see. I’d rather live by myself but whatever.

Sunday, October 22, 2006

NYC

the bar bullhead
I just got back from NYC. I am completely exhausted and so ready to go to bed. My eyes are killing me.

I hopped on the train and got into the city around 6:45 PM. I decided to walk the 33 blocks to my friend’s apartment because it was a nice night, I like the extra exercise, and I had time to kill. It was a nice, leisurely walk for once. Usually I am walking at mock ten because I have to be somewhere fast. So, I strolled at a brisk pace, enjoying the sites, sounds and smells of the city. I would have done a little shopping but I had a bag with all my stuff with me so I didn’t feel like doing it.

I picked up a salad at a little place and went to R’s and we hung out until we went to karaoke. We met my friend Y. there and one of R’s friends as well. It was hotter than hell in that place. I was ready to rip my jeans off, though they kept falling off a little. I had to hold them up when I danced because I would have revealed some white ass and no one wants to see that.

We sang and danced. I must say, our dancing provided quite the entertainment. R. and I did a little choreography (it’s our aerobic instructor backgrounds) and Y. threw in the “swim.” The three of us were up on the bench at the bar dancing up a storm. One guy asked if he could join in on the fun, so we let him. ;) We were sweating bullets! We got a little shout out from the DJ and the waitress. A return trip is definitely needed soon!

It was a late night and I woke up at 7:30 because my stupid self won’t let me sleep in even when I am exhausted. We vegged out and then got some breakfast and I headed to the train station.I kind of fell asleep on the train. I almost missed my train stop and I wasn’t even sleeping, which would have stunk, and then I got off the train and started walking in the wrong direction. Clearly, I was a little out of it.

Anyway, I’m off to bed. I’ve got a lot of other things to write about but no energy to do that right now. Hopefully I’ll remember what they are so I can write about them tomorrow or this week sometime.

Friday, October 20, 2006

Telling my parents

Before you get too excited, NO, I have not told my parents anything! No plans to either.

I have four friends that know something about my body/weight/food issues. Anyone else, who knows, knows without me knowing they know. You know? ;) Oh, and then we have D. who knows because I pay her to know. With that said, I have two friends that know pretty much everything. One of my friends knows because I tell her everything. The other knows because she reads my blog, but I would tell her everything anyway because I feel comfortable talking to her. Just don't need to bore her to death. She hears enough shit everyday. The last thing she needs to hear about is my issues.

I just took a sip of my tea and missed my mouth and my freaking leg is asleep all the way up to my lower back. Please hold...

Okay! So, one of my friends suggested that I tell my parents about everything. My answer, of course, was Um, I don’t think so. I have not changed my mind about that either. I don’t think I will ever tell them. Not that they wouldn’t be completely supportive of me, but I don’t want them to know. I think they’d worry too much about me and probably not understand it, especially my dad. He doesn’t understand these things. I love him to death, but let’s face it, he’s a man and he’s older, so they don’t quite get it. I just don’t want them to have to worry about something that doesn’t need to be worried about.

I honestly don’t believe that I am in any danger health wise. I know I’m not. I may have screwed up my metabolism, but other than that I am fine. So, there’s no need to worry. I wouldn’t want to put my parents through that.

On the other hand, if I had a daughter struggling with something, I would want to know about it so I could help her. I still don’t want my parents to know about me, and they don’t need to. There’s nothing they can do anyway. So why have them worry for no reason. I care about them too much to do that to them.

My leg woke up.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Thinking too much?

I don't know why I do so much thinking in my car, but I do. I guess it's because I have nothing better to do, unless of course I am singing to my radio or cds.

I was talking to my friend H.F. at our game today. She was the athletic trainer at the school when I was there. Anyway, she was saying how she wanted to workout so I told her that I would workout with her. We were also discussing my shoulder injury because she works at the PT place I go to. She and the other coach were discussing how I "workout too much" and she said that I have "exercise bulimia." Um, I denied that one and got out of that conversation.

So, that got me thinking about whether or not I deny the fact that I have "problem." I would have totally admitted to H. that I some sort of issue, but it wasn't the right time or place. I had my players around me.

The days or minutes that I feel like actually do have some sort of eating disorder, I think I would be open and honest about it with people. Well, I guess that depends on who the people are, but I don't think I would deny it. Okay, I would if it wasn't someone that I felt comfortable with. I'm sure I'd deny it to my parents, if they asked.

Obviously, the times that I don't think have a problem (most of the time) then I wouldn't have to deny anything because I wouldn't think anything was wrong in the first place.

I think the problem is that I can't decide whether or not I really have a problem. Like I said, most of the time I don't think I do. Part of me thinks because I've never been diagnosed with having an eating disorder/problem (whatever you want to call it) that I don't have one. I don't know if I was told that I had an eating disorder if I'd actually believe it, and, if that was the case, would it take me being told that I have a problem to make me actually do something to rid myself of it? What I'm trying to say is, do I need to be told and believe that I have a problem in order to believe that I need to do something to get better? To deserve and require help? I don't know. Right now I don't really believe that I require any help. Maybe in my mind, I feel like I need to be wasting away in order to need help. Who the heck knows.

I know it's bedtime for me.

Story time

My sleeping has been a little strange lately. I don't have any problems falling to sleep but I keep waking up early, maybe it was because I was in the hotel, I don't know. Anyway, last night I kept waking up. I usually look at the clock and think I have a lot longer to sleep but then I see it's really like 5 AM or something. Not lately. I went to bed at around 10 last night. I woke up at 12:30 thinking it was like 4 or something but it wasn't. I woke up again at 2 and 3. I always worry that I won't be able to fall back asleep because I had that issue for a while, but I did.

I had a crazy ass long dream last night. I don't even know if I can recall it all. I think it started out with my at this house with a little pond. It was winter and the pond was frozen. My whole family was around but I was leaving to talk to my friend's mom (who is a psychologist in real life and my dream). For some reason she wanted to talk to me so I was going to meet her at the little cabin on the other side of the pond.

I decided to take a short cut to the cabin via the frozen pond. Two of my field hockey players were there and were like "it's not frozen enough." I went anyway and got a little wet at the edge. I was mostly afraid that I was going to drop something because I was carrying so much stuff.

So, I made it across in my nice, warm boots and kept my jacket, hat and mittens on because it was cold in the cabin. Mrs. C gave me a hug and then started talking to me about food. (Probably because I ran into her the other day and we had an incident, which I will share after this dream). She said something to me, but I can't really remember what it was. Some word that started with "P" but it was about diagnosing me or something.

That was the end of that part. The next think I knew I was walking downtown at night and it was kind of rainy. I was walking down the street with some people. I can't really remember what happened now. Hmm, oh well.

Oh yeah, Susan Saint James (actress) was in my dream too and I have NO idea why. It's not like I saw her on tv or anything recently.

Okay, onto real life. On Sunday I ran into Mrs. C at the road race I was doing. She was a volunteer. I was good friends with her daughter in high school. We're still friends now but she lives else where. Anyway, Mrs C. knew I had some "eating issues" because I spent a lot of time with S. (her daughter) and, she is a psychologist. She never once mentioned anything to me about it though, which was nice.

Anyway, after the race I went over to say goodbye and she said "I'm off to drop this off" and I said "I'm off to Philly." She says to me, "To Renfrew." (the ed treatment facility). I was like "Um, do I look like I need to be going to Renfrew." She looked at me and put her arm around me and was like "I'm so sorry." I said something like "I know you've known me for a while. It's ok. I have something to laugh about for the rest of the day."

I think she felt really bad about that. I still have NO idea where that came from and WHY it came out of her mouth. I said I was going to Philly. People go to there! I wish I knew why she said that to me. As you know, I hate not knowing things."

So, that was that.

I got yelled at at the gym this morning from my friend H. She was afraid I was going to do more cardio because she saw me standing on the treadmill. I love her to death. She's the best.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

The weigh-in

I will write more later, but I just got home and weighed myself and I was quite pleased with that I saw. :) Now if I can only keep it that way. :)

More to come later.


It's later and I'm going to go to bed in a few minutes. Back to my usual, boring routine tomorrow. Can't wait. I wish I was still away because it was so nice to just sit in a hotel room all by myself and have nothing to do. I kind of enjoyed it...a lot.

You know, I must admit that it was kind of liberating to be away from my scale for a few days. I was also away from food, except for when eating actual meals, and busy so I didn't really have time to weigh myself. I know what you're all thinking; Why don't you just get rid of your scale? Um, not yet people! NOT yet!

So it's back to the gym in the morning and then to work and then field hockey and then dinner at a friend's. Shit, that means I have to eat. Ugh! I'll try and weezle my way out of consuming too much.

Right now my bed is calling. My suitcase is still packed and probably will be for a few days because I hate unpacking.

Is it Friday yet?

Can't sleep

I woke up at 6 this morning and I am so tired. I layed in bed for another half hour, hoping I would fall asleep, but I didn't. I can't even go to the gym because I have to hop in the shower in a minute, pack up the rest of my stuff and then pack up the car and be where I have to be by 8:30.

I think my body was just looking for a reason to not be able to workout. I can't just not workout. I need to have a reason, like not being able to get there because of travel or what not, so this is kind of a good reason. Granted I will be paying for it later when I am sitting in the car for a few hours and getting really antsy and anxious because I didn't partake in any physical activity. Actually, I need to not think about it now because it is starting to get to me.

Shower time.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Final night

It’s my last night in Philly and I don’t really want to go home. I kind of like living in my own hotel room and not having anyone to bug me. It will be so nice when I get my own place.

So, I don’t really remember much of yesterday. We worked and then I got to see my roommate from college, whom I haven’t seen since her wedding three years ago. It’s amazing how time flies. I thought she got married just over a year ago. I was wrong. Now she’s got a baby!! Crazy.

Last night I had a hotel roommie. I work with her, but she works in another state and was here for the night. She is absolutely hysterical though. She's a comedian...literally. She is one of those people who does like 50 different things and acting and comedy are two of them. So, we crawled into our beds around 10:30 and ended up laughing hysterical until about midnight. There were a few snorting laughs thrown in there as well. Nothing better then some good laughter.

I was planning on waking up early this morning, but that didn't happen. Well, I woke up at 5 AM and layed in bed until 8. I was in and out of sleep for those three hours but never really fell completely back to sleep. I was debating whether or not I should go to the gym because I wanted to hit up Macy's before I had to work. Obviously, I went because I can't not go. Went to Macy's too and bought a suit and a hot red dress. I love it. It's a little too big but they didn't have a smaller size. I need to get the top taken in a bit. I love it though.

Tonight I went to dinner with my old college boyfriend. I haven't seen him in 10 years so that was fun. He's married now. We went to the Hard Rock with the other guy I work with and I had a salad with grilled chicken. I had a few bites of dessert and now I feel completely disgustingly gross. I seriously was sitting at the restaurant thinking about how I wanted to throw up. It would have been so easy for me to do too, since I was coming back to an empty hotel room. Shit, too bad it's too late now.

I hate feeling the way I feel right now. Part of me wants to go stick my finger down my throat right now, even though I know it wouldn't be successful. I should go back to the gym and now I feel guilty that I didn't. It's probably closed now. Chances are, I won’t get there tomorrow because we have to start our day early and we need to pack up the car to leave before we work.

I just feel so fat and disgusting. (Broken record, I know). I haven’t weighed myself since Sunday morning and I’m afraid of what I am going to weigh when I get home tomorrow. I don’t really think I’ve been eating that much, except for that stupid dessert tonight. Ugh, I hate myself.

I know that feeling I get when I head upstairs to my bathroom to step on my scale for the first time in a few days and hate it. It’s this horrible angst and fear. It seems like it takes forever for those numbers to pop up with the news. Oh man, I’m getting freaked out just thinking about it actually. I’m scared. What if I get home and I weigh more than did when I left? What if I can’t get my weight to go back down? That’s what scares me the most. What if I just keep getting fatter? Ugh!

On a brighter note, the mirror in Macy’s must be really nice to people because I could see my back in the dressing room in that dress I had on and I didn’t think it looked all that bad. I saw a little, very little, definition. I was shocked by that and a little happy.

Anyway, I’m going to finish watching Dancing with the Stars and then do some push-ups. Hopefully I will wake up early enough to go to the gym in the morning. I’ll be back home tomorrow night.

Sunday, October 15, 2006

Dinner Anxiety

I just got back from dinner with my boss and another guy that we work with. I realized that I sat there the whole time and couldn't really focus on a conversation because I was off thinking about the food.

I shouldn't have ordered that. I can't believe I'm going to eat at this hour. What was I thinking? I should have just gotten a salad. This is way too much food for me. I'm going to gain so much weight from this.

All of these thoughts while I am listening, or not so much listening, to the conversation going on around me. Ugh. I never realized how much time I spend obsessing and worrying about what I am going to eat or am eating while at a restaurant. Now, I'm thinking about how much I have to workout tomorrow and how I wish I could weigh myself right now. (I did not bring my scale).

I tried to get into the gym to check it out, but couldn't get in with my key for some reason. I sure as hell better be able to get in there tomorrow to workout. I don't think that will be a problem.

Now, I'm sitting in my room feeling gross. I had vegetable soup and a grilled veggie sandwich. I ate 1/4 slice of the bread because it was gross rye bread, which I never liked, and all the veggies.

I guess I'll just go to bed now so I can wake up and workout. I think I'll have to go to the 7-Eleven across the street to get some milk for my Fiber One (yes, I brought my own cereal with me), then I can eat and workout. I don't want to eat a big breakfast in the restaurant and then workout, that's just nasty.

I don't have to be at our event until 1 PM, which gives me plenty of time to do things, like go to the Macy's across the street. :) I desperately need to do some clothes shopping so why not do it here. I also need to go get some vitamins at Whole Foods, which isn't too far from my hotel.

Off to bed.

PA, night 1

I'm in Pennsylvania. I am sitting in my room with the tv on but the box (aka remote) does not work so the tv is staying on this channel.

This morning I went to the gym and then went to the road race. I wanted to just run and not care about my time, but that didn't happen. I cared because I am a competitor. Ugh!

It's always really windy at this race because it's at the beach. Like I said before, I hate running races but had to do it because my whole team had to run it. It was a 5k so it's not like it was a far run. I ran it in 24 minutes, but the timing was weird because everyone started at the same time and I was at the back so I think I came in a little under 24. Not that it really matters. Whatever.

It's amazing how running on the road makes the tendonitis in my knee so much worse. Oh well.

So, I went home and showered, hopped in the car and drove here with a co-worker. Now I'm starving and waiting for my boss to get here. Hopefully we'll go right to eat and avoid any events that pertain to work. I wouldn't mind going to bed right now either. I've been so tired lately. Went to bed at 9 last night.

Saturday, October 14, 2006

To pack or not to pack...the scale

I'm starting to get a little nervous about not having a scale with me for 4 days. I guess I could pack my old one, but I will be having a co-worker in my room with me for one of the three nights. I guess I could always hide it before she comes and take it back out after she leaves. I'd have to hide it everytime I left my room in case someone came in while I wasn't there. Although, I guess that wouldn't matter because the person wouldn't know who I was anyway.

It's kind of ridiculous. This shouldn't bother me as much as it does. It's a freaking scale. What's going to happen to me in 4 days? Okay, I guess that's what scares me. I don't know what can happen to me in four days. I feel like I won't have control of the situation if I don't have my scale with me. Atleast if I can weigh myself I know where I stand. I know what I can and cannot eat. I know whether or not I should be freaking out or not. I guess I can weigh myself at the gym every morning, but I'll have clothes on and it won't be accurate. Plus, people will be there and I hate weighing myself in front of people because I feel like they're thinking why is she weighing herself? I can always go back at night and weigh myself too. It would be so much less stressful if I just brought mine with me. I haven't packed yet so I may stick it in there. It just seems SO RIDICULOUS that I would even have this thought in my head. The fact that I can't go without weighing myself...ugh.

I have a feeling that I'll have a lot of blogging to do, if I don't bring my scale. I guess I should go pack now and depending upon how much room I have in my suitcase, I may take it. I don't want to take because I don't want to have to rely on a scale for security. I really don't want to take it, even though I do want to take it. If that makes any sense.

ED shows and spinning class

I'm sitting here watching E's special "Starving for Perfection." I've been obsessed with shows about eating disorders for a long time. The first movie I remember seeing about eating disorders was a movie called "Kate's Secret." Meredith Baxter Birney starred as a bulimic in that movie.

I was probably about 8 or 9 years old when I saw that movie and had never even heard of eating disorders before. I can remember watching it on the couch, on a Friday night, with my parents until the doorbell rang and someone showed up. Then I continued watching it by myself. Kind of funny, now I wouldn't be caught dead watching anything about eating disorders with my parents in the house, never mind in the same room. I don't know why I was fascinated by that movie, but I was.

It wasn't until I was 14 that I started my dieting. I wasn't even fat, but a comment my brother had made to me started my obsession. He said "you could stand to lose 5 lbs." So, that's when it all began.

I started by eating healthy. Then I started cutting food out of my diet. I can remember being at field hockey practice, doubled over with shooting pains in my stomach because I had eaten some dry cereal and an apple all day, and was now running around for 3 hrs.

Throughout high school, I started working out, on top of playing the sports I played, I took diet pills occasionally, wrapped my body in plastic wrap to help me lose weight, made myself throw up a few times, and drank vinegar.

I also taped and watched every movie and tv show that was about eating disorders. I still have the library of tapes hidden in my basement. I'm still adding to that library too. My friend S. and I used to get together and watch the movies, read articles and talk about eds. She was bulimic. We were both obsessed.

I always wondered whether the movies helped prevent eds in people or made people develop them. I always watched the movies when I felt that I needed a push to not eat. They made me want to not eat and want to be stick thin. Yes, I'd see the horrible, dangerous things that having an ed does to you and get a little scared, but that feeling wouldn't last. The desire to be skinny outweighed (no pun intended) the fear of what could happen to me if I became anorexic.

I always felt that anorexia was safer than bulimia too because bulimics put there body's through such misery. The stomach damage, the esophogus damage, teeth, puffy faces and bloodshot eyes. It was just safer to not eat that much and to workout.

New topic...sort of.

This morning I took a spinning class. My legs were tired and I didn't feel like working out on my own so I figured I'd take class. I didn't think I was going to make it through. My legs were so tired and didn't want to do anything. At one point I thought, I'm not going to make it another 40 minutes. Clearly, I did and my legs are still tired.

Tomorrow I have to run a race, which I hate doing, and everyone I know will be there so I can can't slack off. I need to run fast and get a good time. I hate that. I wish it didn't matter to me how long it takes me to run, but I can't help that competitiveness in me. Everyone from my gym will be there so I have to do well. The fit aerobics instructor has to do well. I'm probably putting that pressure upon myself, but I feel like I have to finish with a good time. Ugh, then it's off to Philly!

Friday, October 13, 2006

I have to do my shoulder exercises and I really don't feel like doing them. It's amazing how the fresh air really does knock ya out. I was outside for 4 hours this afternoon, doing nothing but coaching, but it was still cold and tiring because I am so ready for bed right now.

I'm not taking my scale to Philly because I will have a roommate for one night. Bummer, but it's better than having one for all three nights. I may see my old boyfriend from my freshman year in college too. I haven't seen him since I transferred my sophomore year and I wasn't on his list of favorites at that time. He is now married and I don't think his wife likes me too much, though I've never met her.

Here's what happened, and yes I screwed up and it was my fault he hated me but we would never have lasted anyway. K. liked me but I only liked him as a friend. Well, then we kissed one night but I still wanted to be just friends. I was kind of dating this guy from home but then I kind of started dating K. too. So, to make a long story short, I was dating two guys at once, but not really because one was 4 hours away. I told K. about the other guy and then he hated me and wouldn't talk to me. Totally my fault and I knew that. I wasn't really upset or anything, just thought he was being a little immature by not talking to me.

Years pass, my cell phone rings and it's K. Weird. We chatted on IM here and there but that was it. I knew he got married. Every now and then he calls me to tell me he's going to be in NYC and wants to know if I want to meet up with him. Hasn't happened yet but I may see him in PA next week. Should be interesting...and perhaps a little weird. He's a nice guy though.

I have to run in a race on Sunday. I really hate running races because I hate running with all those people. Plus, I go in there thinking, oh, I'm just going to run slowly and not care about my time. Well, that never happens. The competitor in my kicks in and doesn't allow me to slack off and just take a nice, easy jog. By the end of the race, I'm sprinting. Last year, the we were running against 40 mph winds. It was like running backwards. My heartrate was 194 bmp. Nuts.

So, I'll go to the gym and workout before the race. Do about an hour of cardio and then go to the race. It's only a 5K. Then I have to head home and shower so I can leave for my trip. Sunday and Tuesday nights I will have the room to myself. Woo hoo. I love alone time.

It's not even 9 PM and I can't keep my eyes open. How pathetic. I'm scared to weigh myself tonight. My weight was so good this afternoon but I feel like I ate a lot at dinner. Oh, shisters, I guess I need to do my exercises. Ugh.

** okay, I just did my shoulder exercises. I think my right arm is getting smaller (or more toned) from doing them. I'm so starting to do them on my left side tomorrow. I WANT SKINNY ARMS!

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Gym (not-so) dandy

I’m tired of working out. I seem to be going through this phase much more frequently these days. My body’s tired. I’m bored, and I’m sick of feeling like I need to be there for more than 90 minutes every morning, especially when I just don’t feel like going at all.

My workouts all week have not been satisfactory. I’m not burning enough calories. My legs are tired and I’m sick of doing the same old thing all the time. Atleast for three days next week I’ll be working out in a different atmosphere. That’s a good thing. The bad thing is that I won’t have anyone to talk to, which could also be a good thing. I just want to feel like I don’t have to go to the gym. What if I don’t want to have to set my alarm to get up one day? What if I want to sleep in? I don't want to have that pressure, which I put on myself, to get up every single morning and be at the gym by 7 am so I can get atleast 90 minutes in. It's getting harder and harder to do everyday. I'm starting to be too worn down to care and that means my workouts suffer, which means I'm not burning enough calories, which means I will get fatter. All bad things for me.

I wish my brain could be okay with my body taking a day off here and there. I just don't feel right if I don't go to the gym. It's very weird, like I missed out on something. My day gets all screwed up.

Ugh, now I have to go to the dentist. That's always fun...ew!

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Just out of curiosity...

I know I've heard and read this a thousand times, but couldn't remember the exact criteria for the diagnosis of anorexia. So, I thought I'd look it up.

I'm not a doctor, nor do I play one on tv. I could, however, play doctor on the hot model guy if need be. ;)

So, without further adieu, here it is courtesy of the DSM-IV. Gotta love that book.

DSM-IV Criteria for Anorexia Nervosa

Refusal to maintain body weight at or above a minimally normal weight for age and height (eg, weight loss leading to maintenance of body weight less than 85% of that expected or failure to make expected weight gain during period of growth, leading to body weight less than 85% of that expected).

Intense fear of gaining weight or becoming fat, even though underweight.

Disturbance in the way in which one's body weight or shape is experienced, undue influence of body weight or shape on self-evaluation, or denial of the seriousness of the current low body weight.

In postmenarchal females, amenorrhea ie, the absence of at least three consecutive cycles. (A woman is considered to have amenorrhea if her periods occur only following hormone, eg, estrogen administration.)

Specify type:

Restricting Type: During the current episode of anorexia nervosa, the person has not regularly engaged in binge-eating or purging behavior (ie, self-induced vomiting or the misuse of laxatives, diuretics, or enemas).

Binge-Eating/Purging Type: During the current episode of anorexia nervosa, the person has regularly engaged in binge-eating or purging behavior (ie, self-induced vomiting or the misuse of laxatives, diuretics, or enemas).

Ah, just as I suspected...I'm NOT anorexic. :) I would, however, like my bones to stick out and be skinny as a rail. Is that too much to ask for? Atleast I can't be labeled as being anorexic. Now there's no cause for concern.


Packing "lite"

I leave for Philly on Sunday for a 4 day business trip. It's only a few hours away so we are driving there, which means that I don't really have to pack light...something I'm not that good at anyway. It also means that my bags don't have to go through and x-ray machine, which means that I can pack my scale and bring it with me. :) Scale. Of course, I would bring my old (non-digital) one. I haven't actually decided whether or not I am going to take it with me. Last year, I was absolutely freaking out not being able to weigh myself and I don't know if it would be any easier this year. I'm thinking that maybe I won't take it with me to see just how much I suffer.

So I'm torn...do I take it with me so I can avoid the freak outs of not being able to weigh myself and still have the freak outs of seeing how much I weigh, a usual occurrence for me? Or, do I leave it home and see what happens? Chances are, I will get really anxious and start freaking out inside but maybe I should just let myself freak out and be completely anxious and stressed out by the situation. I guess I have a few days to figure it out.

It seems kind of silly to pack a scale to go away, but I guess if it will make me feel more comfortable I should do it. I'm so back and forth with this one...






Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Suhweeet!

Just got my hotel info for my trip next week. I will have my own room and free internet access. Woooo Hoooo!! Oh yeah, and the gym looks like it's pretty up-to-date with equipment. That's really all I need!!! Woooo Hooooo!! Each machine has it's own tv screen which means that the stuff isn't from 1973. YES!! Good gym equipment is key while staying at a hotel on business.

Now, if I didn't have to actually work part of the day and could just go to the gym all day and sit in my room the rest of the day, that would be lovely. I will get to see my roommate from college and her new baby, which will be really nice. Haven't seen her since I was in her wedding in August 2005.

Monday, October 09, 2006

Perfectionism, wanna-be anorexics and eggplant

I spent the night frying up eggplant with my father and now the house stinks like fried food. I hate that smell and it gets on everything. My clothes now stink of fried food. I don't eat fried food and I don't want to smell it. I also made pasta fagioli and baked some bread. Oh, how productive of me. Blah!

I don't know why I did laundry tonight because it's just going to smell like a fried mess.

Now onto "wanna-be anorexics."

I was thinking about this earlier. You hear so many people say that they wish they could be anorexic. When I was first thinking about this, I kind of got a little upset by it because I was thinking how horrible it is to wish for that. But now, I totally get it.

I would not consider myself to be "anorexic," but I do know the thoughts I have...ALL THE TIME and wouldn't wish them upon anyone. Not to mention freaking out about how much I weigh, what I will eat, whether or not my workout was good enough, if I burned enough calories, and how I can get out of eating that meal. The constant obsession.

On the other hand, I do "get" the "I wish I was anorexic" thought." My guess is that the people that say that they want to be anorexic don't see the mental (and physical) struggles of the disease. Rather, they see someone skinny and want to look that way. So, it's not like they really mean it, but just want to be thinner.

Okay, that was one of the dumbest things I've written but I'll leave it in there for the hell of it.

Perfectionism

I've been trying to figure out if I am a perfectionist or not. I know I totally am when it comes to some things, but not everything. So, I guess if I don't require perfection 100 percent of the time, I'm not a perfectionist. I did come to this conclusion last night about why I won't go to therapy. I realized that I feel that everyone else thinks of me as this "perfect" person. I don't drink, smoke or do drugs. I'm nice (most of the time), athletic and come from a great family. I have, what people believe is, the "perfect package." So, I feel like I have to live up to that misconstrued image of perfection. Hence, if someone I know (and I freaking know everyone around here) saw me going in to see a therapist (I hate that word) then they would know that I have issues. Now, with that said, I know a lot of people go to therapy and it doesn't necessarily mean anything. I am just stupid like that.

Sunny Monday

I'm laying on my deck in my bikini trying to catch some of that final summer sun on this fall October day. It's 84 degrees out and it probably should be more like 60 degrees. I'll definitely take this though.

I was going to head to the beach today but I physical therapy took longer than I expected so I plopped on my deck instead. It's not like the beach is far from me, only about 10 minutes, but I figured that I'd be wasting precious sun time if I were to get ready and go there. So, the deck it was. I took a little snooze, got bored, got my laptop and here I am.

I have to go away next week for work. That always makes me nervous. The whole eating out for every meal and not having my gym. I don't even know which hotel I'm staying at yet so I can check out the facilities. Of course, I won't have my scale for four days either, which absolutely makes me freak out. All that eating out and no scale. It's very scary. I tend to eat salads for the most part, but still, I don't like the insecure feeling.

The chair on sitting on is wet so now my ass is wet. Oh well. I think I'm going to change my belly ring today. The summer one needs to come out. :(

I better be able to blog while I'm away and I better not have to room with someone either. There's nothing worse than having to room with someone you don't really know. The lady I would have to room with is funny as hell, she's a comedian in her spare time, but still, it's just awkward.

I think my cell phone is beeping but it's in my house so I am not going to go look. It's probably my friend S. who I don't really feel like doing anything with anyway. I think he wants to go rollerblading, which actually I kind of do feel like doing. I was going to go back to the gym tonight and cycle but I don't feel like being in there. I am sick of that place and it's too nice out anyway.

I need new deodorant. My armpits stink and I don't know why. Nasty, huh?

There is not a cloud in the sky today. So beautiful.

I think I'm making bread and pasta fagioli for dinner tonight, none of which I feel like eating. I can't to live on my own and not have to eat.

I saw a new scale that I want to buy, but I just bought one last year. My mom made a comment when I bought my new one so the last thing I want to do is buy another.

My freaking phone is beeping. I'll write more later.

Sunday, October 08, 2006

Stupid crap

I'm watching the Wedding Crashers for the first time and I don't think it's as funny as everyone says it is. Then again, I've kind of been a little unhappy the past few days. I don't know why, but does it really matter?

I hate writing this on here because I don't want people to feel bad for me but I need to get it out somewhere. Actually, I've been considering starting a private blog that no one has access to so I can really say what I feel. Who knows, maybe that defeats the purpose of a blog. I have no f'n clue.


I feel like I have such a freaking pathetic life. I did nothing this weekend. I guess it's not because I didn't have any opportunities, but they weren't very exciting and I didn't feel like doing anything anyway. I did play field hockey, which was a blast, but whatever.

I don't really know what's going on with me. I feel like either secluding myself or getting lost in New York City. I don't even want to write this anymore because people I know read it and I'll feel like an ass for being fucked up. So that's it.

I'm going to end my night on the scale...as usual.

Caramel apples

I'm completely craving a gooey chocolate and caramel covered apple. Come on, like it's not the perfect time of year for them?! I was talking about them with someone the other night. We had to shut ourselves up because we both wanted one.

I was in the grocery store this morning and picked up the little free coupon/recipe book they have and there was a recipe for chocolate caramel dipped apples. On the cover, a huge picture of the apple. I don't really need to see that right now.

I have an orchard about 2 miles from my house. They have the best apples. That's probably the best part of fall. It would be so easy for me to go get some apples and make these things but then I'd want to eat them. That's the problem. Actually, I want one right now anyway, but since I don't have any around, and I'd never go out and buy one, I can't have one. I love baking and would love to make them but I can't do that. I'm sure my nephews would love them though.

What a pathetic means of torture. Why can't I just go eat one? How the hell did food become such the scary enemy? No, I can't eat that. I'll get fat. Do you know how many calories are in that thing? I just wish it didn't matter. The logical part of me knows that eating one piece of pie, or whatever, is not going to make me fat, but then other other part of me starts calculating how many calories and how much fat it has. It sucks. I think I'd freak if someone forced me to eat something that I don't normally eat. I can't imagine that feeling. I don't want to imagine that feeling. Food should not rule someone's life like this. I realize that it's not normal. What I don't know is how to change that. I do know that I don't want to make any changes if it means gaining weight.

Saturday, October 07, 2006

Random pictures...

because I am bored.

I was looking through old pics and I found some of my favorites so I thought I'd post some.
Florida
Florida
Florida

Cozumel
St. Maarten
Sailing in the Caribbean somewhere
(this is my favorite one)

Exciting life

Wow, my life is just filled with excitement. Can ya sense the sarcasm in my voice? I am doing nothing, once again. Well, that's not true, I just cleaned my room a little. I love my life. (more sarcasm). Not that I don't like my life, it's just that it's a little boring lots of times.

There was a high point to my day. I got to see some friends from California whom I haven't seen in 10 years. We only had a couple of hours together. They were in NYC for a few days and took the train to see us. I miss them :(. They lived with us for a summer, which was a lot of fun.

Other than that, nothing going on. I weighed myself and it I hated the number. I didn't have dinner, but I just ate some apple, so I don't know what that's about. I'd like it to go down though.

I need to move to New York. I would love to live there. So many of my friends are there and there's so much to do. However, I can't afford it and I don't know what I'd do for a job. Why do we have to work anyway? Life would be so much more fun if we didn't have to. Life would be so much better if I knew what the hell I wanted to do with my life too. That would help!! I feel like I should have accomplished something by now, but I haven't. I'm just here...

I have my 10 year high school reunion next month and I'm going to be the girl with no boyfriend, no life, and a stupid job that I can't even explain. I had my dream job for a few years and it was nothing but a nightmare. I hated it. I was absolutely miserable. So miserable that I tried to break my hand so I didn't have to go to work. I probably still would have had to have gone, but I don't know what I would have done since all I did was write new stories (I enjoyed that part) and wouldn't have been able to type.

I just feel like my life is so pathetic. I need some excitement. Last weekend I was having a blast and this weekend I am sitting on my ass getting fatter, which of course I love!

I have to go see D. on Monday. I don't really feel like going because I have nothing to talk about. I never have anything to talk about so I don't know why I bother going. I just sit there.

I get to play field hockey tomorrow, which will be fun. I have to teach a class too and workout. Hopefully I'll burn some serious calories tomorrow. I feel like I don't even care about that right now, which is weird. That's so unlike me. I think I'm having a hot flash.

K, I'm going to call my friend J.

Friday, October 06, 2006

Cold and bored

I really don't have anything to write but I'm bored so I thought I would just write, or babble, away.

I am trying to get warm from being outside all afternoon at our game. It's not even close to being winter and I can't handle the temperature. It's 54 degrees out now so I'm sure it was a little warmer when I was outside but I was still freezing my ass off. I had on 5 layers. I was wearing a short sleeve shirt, long sleeve shirt, hooded sweatshirt, warm-up jacket and a fleece jacket with my hood on. I was still cold. That is not good! I hate freaking winter. What am I going to do?

I really need some chapstick right now but don't have any in my pocket. I could clean my room but I don't feel like it.

I was actually supposed to go out with one of my friends but decided I'd rather stay home and do nothing. Oh, I can watch Degrassi High at 8. Woo hoo!! My rents are out so and I love having the house to myself. I can't wait to get my own place!! Hopefully that will be soon rather than later.

I had two homeade rice krispy treats and some pretzels for dinner. I did not make the treats. Healthy dinner, huh? Not usually what I eat but it can't be that damaging. I guess if I get hungry I can eat some apple but I'd like to not eat anything the rest of the night.

I feel like my brain has been on overdrive. I think a lot as it is, but it seems like lately I've had a to think about. I kind of go in waves like that. It's weird though because my thoughts change so quickly. One second I will think about how I'm not going to worry about how many calories I've burned during my workout, but when the time comes and it "wasn't enough" I think about it and it bothers me. I think about how I want to just be normal and eat whatever I feel like, then 2 hours later I can be thinking I'm never eating again. It's just weird.

I struggle a lot with my thoughts because a lot of times they are so black and white. Some days I think that I have an eating disorder, most days I don't. It depends how closely I examine it. I don't want to be the way I am but I'm scared to try and change.

I guess the big question here is why can't I just be happy with the way I look? Am I not happy with my life? My job? If I had a different job would I happier with my body? If my life was a little more exciting would I be happier with my body? I don't know.

Last Saturday night I was having the time of my life, singing and dancing, yet I was still consumed with the fact that I felt fat. I felt like my stomach was hanging out and I felt gross. I was having so much fun but I was still having these thoughts. Do they ever leave? It's not like I felt that fat all day, it was when we got out and were dancing. Did it have anything to do with seeing a picture of myself, taking while I was onstage singing, that I felt I looked pregnant in? I don't know. (shisters, I'm trying to get rid of I don't know from my vocabulary as it was brought to my attention that that really isn't an answer.)

I still haven't come up with an answer to why I want my bones to stick out. I feel like I will have accomplished my weightloss if I can see my bones protruding. But why do I want to lose weight?? I like the feeling of being small, almost like a child. I'm not sure of the reason for that because I want to get married and have my own children. Who knows if I'll ever figure out the answer to that. I did however get around saying "I don't know."

My cat slept on my head last night, which he never does. I woke up wondering what was on me and I saw him. How cute. Made me happy in the middle of the night. My little girl is sitting next to me now making little meowing noises and flipping on her stomach.

I think I've babbled enough for right now. I've probably bored everyone to death with this post, but I have to try and remember that this blog is for me to get things out and not for me to entertain, although sometimes that happens. So, people who made it this far...you're troopers. Love ya!


Passing thought...I don't feel like going to the gym tomorrow. Unfortunately, I'll still go for like 2 hours.

Blogging


Blogging is an interesting phenomenon. I was talking about this with a friend the other day. It's just very interesting how we get swept up into our own little blogosphere. Think about it, we sit here and read about peoples' lives. Whether it be their struggles, their comedic adventures, or their crazy dates, we get involved. We may not know what one another looks like or even each others' names, but we get to know each other. It's weird.

I, myself, feel like I have become friends with the folks that frequent my blog and leave me encouraging or humorous messages. I love it. We care about each other even though we don't know each other. We connect.

I feel like if I were to meet someone from my little blog world it wouldn't be awkward or weird at all, and that's a cool feeling. Amazing how the internet has connected us (figuratively and literally) to each other.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Pathetic

I was in the bathroom getting ready for bed last night. Brushing my teeth, weighing myself, washing my face, weighing myself...weighing myself and weighing myself. I realized how pathetic this is. I could decipher that it is not I that is pathetic, but this stupid freaking, ugh...dare I say the word disorder.

I got on and off that scale, no joke, about 20 times. Everytime I stepped on it the number was different. I'd get two of the same readings in a row and then it would be different. I don't even know how many numbers I saw. My favorite was the 101.6. There was also 103.4, 103.6, 104.5, 104.2, 104.7, 102.3. On, off, on, off. It was absolutely pathetic and I realize that. But, at the same time I wanted to know how much I really weighed. It frustrated me because I felt like I was being lied to. I just want to know. I think I ended the night with three consecutive 103.1's, which I have no idea if it was correct. :( UGH.

So, while I was going through this whole process I realized what a hypocrite I am. Just a few hours before that I was talking to the anorexic girl and telling her that she could talk to me about anything, if she needed to, because I wanted to help her. WTF? Nice! Ugh.

So this morning, I took Beth's (bingebattles) advice and took out my old scale from under my bed, the non-digital one. So I was on and off of both scales, still getting crazy readings from my digital one. Perhaps it needs a new battery. It didn't really help either because I think my old scale is off by a few pounds. (lower than it should be)


Ugh, I hate this. I just want to know how freaking much I weigh!

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Growling stomachs and massages

My stomach growled while I was meeting with a potential new client today. It was so loud that I had to say something. How embarrassing! I wasn't even hungry and it decided to be incredibly loud. Guess it didn't matter much because he signed with me. :)

I went to practice today and it looks to me like the anorexic girl on the team has gotten thinner. The other coach and I decided to talk to her after practice. She was so open and honest with us. She said that it is hard for her to eat, but she does and she knows that she lost 30 pounds since last year and she is afraid of gaining it back. She said that sometimes she worries about that.

After the other coach and I talked to her, actually I didn't do any of the talking, I pulled her aside and told her I'd walk up the hill with her. I basically tried to make her feel a little better, although she didn't look like she was shocked at all. I told her that she could talk to me or email me whenever because I totally understand. I never said anything about myself and my own struggles. She's a smart girl and probably picked up on the "I totally understand" comment. I told her that if she was freaking out about anything to come talk to me. I hope she does.

After practice I went and got a much needed massage. I feel SO incredibly better right now. All the knots are out of my back. I was even able to shut off my mind from constantly thinking during it. That's a first! After the massage the woman said to me "you have a lot going on back there for someone with such a little frame." (She was referring to my back). My back was one big disaster, so thanks massage lady :)

Now I am so ready for bed. I woke up to my cat hawking up a hairball on my bed at 6 this morning. It felt like the middle of the night. So, it's early to bed for me.

Right now Dancing with the Stars is boring. I'm sure Sara Evans is getting voted off tonight. I like her but her dancing wasn't all that great.

I'm hungry but I guess I will just have to deal with that. No eating now.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

4 AM wake-up call

I woke up at 4 this morning for no particular reason and couldn't get back to sleep. I really hate when that happens. Actually, I think I feel asleep around 6 and then my alarm went of 30 minutes later. Great.

I couldn't get my brain to shut off. I really wish this was an on/off switch because there are so many times that I wish I could just shut it off. I did have some sort of realization at 4:39 AM but now I can't remember what it was.

I've been thinking a lot about people and how they eat. Mainly people who can eat whatever they want and still have an awesome body. I really don't get it. I don't know if somewhere deep down in my brain I do get it, but I don't think I do. I can't imagine what it's like to sit down at a meal and eat whatever the hell you feel like. I wish I could do it.

For example, I went out to breakfast the other day and would totally have loved to have had pancakes or French toast or something, but I know that I can't eat it. If someone stuck a plate of French toast in front of me and said you have to eat this all I would freak out. Why? Why and how can an inanimate object cause such fear, stress, and anxiety in my life.? I could eat a couple of bites without freaking out, but never the whole thing. It's that constant fear of gaining weight.

I'm still down two pounds, which I am very happy about, but I am already starting to get nervous about the business trip I have to go on in two weeks. That's five days of eating out. Five days without a scale, unless there's one in the gym, but even so, it's not my scale so I can't even rely on that. Last year when I went on this trip I lost it and freaked out. Obviously no body knew it because I wouldn't let on to it, but inside I was freaking.

Now I have the even more constant fear of gaining back those 2 lbs that I lost. Now I have to be even more careful with what I eat and try to get out of eating with my family a little more. I wonder what I could do with all the energy I use, or waste, with this if I didn't have to do this all the time?

I always fear that my metabolism is shot. People say to me all the time, "you have a really high metabolism" and I'm always thinking Um, I don't think so. The fact that I probably screwed up my metabolism was mentioned to me the other day. I totally agree with the statement. I know what I'd have to do to get it back to where it belongs but that scares the doody out of me because I know I'd gain weight.

How the hell did I get so freaking obsessed with my weight??? I just don't get it. What would my life be like if I didn't obsess like this? I'd probably be way more productive.

Monday, October 02, 2006

Tired legs, shoulder and brain

I went to the gym this morning with some tired legs. Kind of strange since I did absolutely nothing yesterday. Maybe it's just a residual effect from all the activities I did on Saturday. :) I managed to do 90 minutes of cardio this morning though. I was lucky, I had a little extra time because I had to drive my boss to the office. So, I just had to workout until he was ready to leave.

I started PT for my shoulder today, so it's pretty tired. I have to do exercises everyday for the next week until I go back next Monday. I felt so dumb going because my shoulder hasn't hurt for like 5 days. I said to my PT, "I'm the loser patient that has no pain." I still have no pain, which is good. She did say I am NOT to do any push-ups or overhead exercises for the next week. I don't think she believed me when I said I would follow her instructions.

My friend H. (a different) H. is a PT at this place and was our athletic trainer in high school. I was in the training room everyday my senior year, not for injuries, I was just shooting the shit with her. I hung out with her before softball practice everyday, so we go way back. She filled my PT in on my tendency to "overexercise" (who me?) so my PT had to make sure I would "behave" by not doing the things I am not supposed to be doing.

On a different note, I lost about 2 lbs while I was away this weekend. I don't really know how that happened, but it's all good. Well, it will be all good if I can keep it off and keep losing weight. Now I have to fear that everytime I put something into my mouth I will gain weight. I fear that anyway but it's always worse after you lose weight because you don't want the weight to come back on. The never-ending cycle.

I was talking to one of my friends and she brought up a lot of good things that I really need to think about. She's obviously aware of my eating issues, which makes it kind of nice because I can be honest with her about things and not have to hide who I really am. That's somewhat of a relief sometimes. On the other hand, even if I am thinking how fat and gross I am feeling I'll still try to hide it and not let her know that it's really bothering me because I don't want her to think she has to deal with it. No one should have to deal with it but I. I just feel bad.

I don't want people to feel sorry for me either. If you were to see me, you wouldn't look at me and think that I had an eating disorder, which is a good thing. I don't want that. Yes, I want my bones to stick out but I don't people to look at me and feel the way I feel when I see someone who is anorexic. I get sad everytime I look at the girl on my team. I just wish she could be happy. I just hope she's doing something about it so she doesn't end up where I am. In high school I never thought I'd be almost 30 and still struggling with this. It sucks and I'm not even bad. What would it be like for someone who is really bad and has been in and out of the hospital a bunch of times? I can't even imagine. It's got to be hard on everyone, not just her. Atleast my parents don't know that I deal with this, so they don't have to worry and feel sad. I wouldn't want them to have to deal with that. That's the last thing I want my parents to have to deal with. Of course, I know that they would completely supportive of me, just like they've always been with everyone in my family.

So, some things I need to think about...
* Why do I want bones to stick out?
* Why do I think I ended up this way? The cause(s)?

Hmmm, not very easy questions to answer. I've been thinking about the first one for a few days but haven't really come up with anything. I guess I'll keep thinking.

Sunday, October 01, 2006

Palm and the pole

What a blast I had this weekend. I headed to NYC yesterday morning to meet up with my friend R. We met at her gym, which was the best gym in the world, and took a spinning class. The class rocked. Poor R. had been sick for the entire week but she managed to make it through class. She did say, however, in our cab ride to the pole dancing class, "maybe I shouldn't have done that class." Hmmm...

So, we sweat our butts off and I managed to burn 355 calories in 45 minutes, not all that great but not that bad I guess either. I burned another 200 pole dancing, so that was good.

Pole Dancing...ahh, that was FUN! There were four of us there. We had an absolute blast. Definitely have some bruises and some sore muscles to prove it's not all that easy. There were a couple of nasty shots to the crotch while mounting the pole too. Some were even caught on video, which makes it even funnier.

After pole dancing I went back to R.'s place to chill out. We grabbed a bite to eat and vegged. I guess we literally vegged because we ate salads. Ha!

After lunch we went back to the gym. Woo hoo...I love this girl! I didn't even suggest a second trip back. It was all her idea. (and NO, she's not obsessed with exercise). We lifted weights, did some abs and experimented with a few other items in the gym. I particularly enjoyed punching the punching bag. (I needed that when the washing machine door hit me in the face.) I have bruised knuckles from hitting it but it's all good.

After the workout, we sat in the steam room which was amazing. It was infused with eucalyptus and was oh so nice!

We spent the rest of the afternoon chatting and vegging out some more. I like that kind of stuff. Then we met my friend J. for dinner. It took a ton of coaxing to get her out, but we did. I even told her that I would eat dessert if she came, but that was a bit controversial and that was only on my first attempt to get her out. Needless to say, I didn't have to do it.

Dinner was interesting, as one might expect. I got myself into a few predicament that I had to try and wiggle my way out of. I did okay though. Nothing too crazy. I wasn't even hungry but felt like I had to eat because who I was with. Not that either of my friends are going to judge me, but I don't know. We had fun regardless and that's all that matters.

After dinner came...KARAOKE!! R. and I met our friend M. and her friend at the bar. We has SUCH A BLAST!! We sang, we danced, we sweat like pigs. We had so much fun. M. has a freaking rocking voice. I danced with with a cutey! I never got his name and now I regret it. R. wanted me to go back in and get it when we left, but I didn't. :(

R. and I literally has sweat dripping from us, that's how much we danced. She was cracking me up. She'd be half asleep at the table and then a song would come on that she liked and she was up busting a move. Like someone drugged her. Then she'd sit back down and be half asleep then all of a sudden get back up and dance again. She wasn't drinking anything but water so alcohol is not to blame. She can dance. She can also work the pole quite nicely as well. It was funny!

I wish I had my heartrate monitor on for dancing extravaganza. I got like 4 workouts in one day. I love it. We had to shower when we got back to her place, that's how nasty we were.

So, I had a great weekend. I didn't weigh myself, but was tempted to at the gym. I didn't eat a lot, which is always good. I worked out a lot and I even didn't workout today. Whoa! The best part is...I LOST weight!! Man, that alone makes me want to move to NYC!!!

More to come tomorrow...perhaps.