Friday, September 29, 2006

Weekend retreat

I'm heading out of town for the weekend. Going to the Big Apple! It's going to be a blast.

Tonight I am going to stay at my sister's house, then I will hop on the train tomorrow and go to the city. I'm supposed to go to a spinning class in the morning with my friend R., but she's been a little sick all week so might not go. After that, we are meeting some other folks and going POLE DANCING!! YES!! I cannot wait.

My friend C. is meeting us there. It will be good to see her again. So, we're going to kick off our shoes and strap on our heels, although I prefer to do it barefoot, and get our groove on. It should be quite interesting, entertaining, and amusing. I'm sure we will be laughing the whole time. My goal: to hang upside-down. :)

After dancing, I don't know what we'll do. Come dinner time, I guess we will eat. My friend J. is supposed to meet us for dinner. Should be interesting. I'm sure we'll eat at "New York time" rather than what I'm used to. I usually eat around 5 PM, when I don't have field hockey. I like to eat and get it over with then have the rest of the night to digest.

After dinner comes karaoke! Woo hoo. Our friend M. is supposed to meet us for that. She's an awesome singer so I can't wait to hear her.

It should be a fun, yet interesting weekend. I won't be able to weigh myself after I leave my house tonight. That's always a little stressful for me. I do tend to lose weight when I'm in NY though, even if it's just a pound and water weight it makes me happy.

I'm sure I'll have plenty of stories when I get back.

I'm staying at my friend's place, which should be a blast. I'm sure we'll have lots to talk about. I'll let you know how everything goes on Sunday. Watch out strippers...here we come! ;)

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Bedtime

I'm sitting in my bed writing this post. I brushed my teeth, washed my face, flossed, mouthwashed (not a real word, I know) and weighed myself. Ugh, it was not a pretty night on the scale. I'm an NOT happy with what I weigh right now. I did just drink a lot so I'm hoping that's the problem. It really doesn't matter though. I still look in the mirror and see how fat, and now white (tan is gone) I am. I just want to puke.

I need to lose weight now!!

I'm going to NYC this weekend which means that I won't be able to weigh myself. However, I tend to lose weight when I go to New York so let's hope that's the case this weekend. Not that you really "lose weight" in a day, but whatever. If the numbers are down, I'm happy!

I'll write more about NYC tomorrow. Right now I'm going to bed.

FYI, my parents are annoying.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Bubble butt

I got dressed to go to work today and I put on these "short pants." They are supposed to be capris but for me they are just a little short of being pants. Anyway, I put them on and had the biggest bubble butt in them. Hated it!! I said to my mom "why do I have a bubble butt?" She said, "Everyone has a bubble butt." I said, "They do not!" Then she went on to say, "I don't know why you think that. You have a cute figure." Ugh!!

Then, I went to pick up the jeans I got hemmed and the lady said "these little things are yours?" They're so tiny." Yeah, that's why my legs are sucked into them and they look like huge sausages. They are the awesome pair of jeans that I bought while in the Hamptons. You can see the picture of them in my August Posts. I just wish I had Martina McBride's stick legs to go with them.

Monday, September 25, 2006

Shifting scales

My scale is having a breakdown. I got 4, count them, 4 different readings this morning when got on it. I was REALLY happy with the first reading so I knew it couldn't be right. I got back on and it went up a little, still okay. I got on again and it went up a little more. One more time, up a little more. So, what's a girl to do? Keep getting on it until you get three of the same readings. So I did that. Needless to say, I stepped on and off the scale about 8 times.

I got home from my doctor's appt. and weighed myself again. I was still happy that the number had decreased over the past week. I'm not really sure why, but it has and I'll be happier if it keeps going lower. I just have to pay extra close attention to what I am eating and make sure that I don't really eat unless I have to. Having to get on and off the scale 8 million times to make sure I get an accurate reading really takes up a lot of time.

I had some x-rays on my shoulder today. I'm not really sure what the doctor said was wrong with it, but I know I need to go to PT. He did say that my sockets are flat and not rounded and then went on to say a bunch of other stuff that I didn't quite understand. I do know I have to go back in 6 weeks and that I should take Aleve.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Summer Storm

The calender may say that it's Fall, but the rainfall we had today definitely was that of an August day. Here are some pics.




Annoying parents

Why are parents so annoying? I need to move out. Ugh....

Sometimes they just really piss me off. Overall, they are great people but sometimes they are just really annoying and need to leave me alone.

I took a nap and it was nice.

Sunday stuff

I just turned on the Brady Bunch reunion. I DVRed this a few months ago and have yet to watch it. So, I thought I'd put it on while I was blogging and now I'm totally distracted. All I have to say is "Pork chops and apple sauce! Isn't that swell?"

I actually just need to take a nap. Yesterday was an extremely long day. I woke up at 5:30 AM because I couldn't sleep. Went to the gym and then showered and went to my grandma's funeral.

The rain held off for us. We went to the cemetery and then had the service at the church. The service was very nice. I read the eulogy that my brother had written. I'm actually thinking of posting it, but I don't know. He's such a great writer and it brought everyone to tears, so I hear. I couldn't look at anyone when I came down from the pulpit because I lost it. My voice was pretty shakey the whole time I was reading and I even slightly broke down and had to take a little pause. I tried so hard to get through it without crying, but I couldn't do it. I tried to separate myself and put on my "acting hat" on but it just didn't work.

After the service we went downstairs for some treats and talked to everyone, then we went to my aunt's house and all hung out. There were about 30 of us there. My parents and I stopped at my grandma's place on the way home from my aunt's, which was kind of sad. I could smell my grandma.

We didn't get home until 9:30, after a completely exhausting day. Crying really dries out contact lenses, by the way. So now, I am very tired. I woke up to my cat puking at 6:30 this morning. Yummy!

Nap time.

Friday, September 22, 2006

Winding down


How fitting that with the change of the seasons, summer...blossoming flowers and green trees, to fall...leaves falling and flowers dying comes the burial of my grandmother. My grandmother's ashes will be buried tomorrow...the first day of fall.

I woke up this morning to an email from my brother. He wrote a eulogy that he would like me to read tomorrow. I don't like to cry, especially first thing in the morning, but I couldn't help it when I read what he had written. He specifically asked that I read it and I don't want to let him down. He feels very guilty that he can't be here for the memorial service and I feel bad for him as well. I know it hurts him. I just need to be able to get through it without losing it.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

"Pee" green

I bought new multi-vitamins at GNC yesterday. I usually get my multi's at Whole Foods, but there isn't one near me and I haven't had vitamins in over a month so I thought that I should get some. Anyway, I took them this morning, got home from the gym and went to the bathroom and noticed that my pee was fluorescent YELLOW/GREEN!! Okay, not really a color I'm used to when I look in the toilet bowl. I don't like it!!

I'm hooked on Rachael Ray's new talk show. I love it. People either love her or hate her. I think she's dorky but I like her. I almost got to meet her once...oh what an interesting story that was, but I didn't. Got some pictures of her though. So I'm watching her now, courtesy of my DVR. Gotta love it!

I finally made an appt to go see the doctor about my shoulder. Well, actually the athletic trainer called today and got me in for Monday. That's unheard of. It usually takes atleast 3-4 weeks to get an appointment with an orthopedic. So we'll see. I'll probably have to have some x-rays, which will show nothing because it's not bone related. Hopefully I won't have to have an MRI, but I really don't think that will be necessary.

I weigh less tonight than I did last night, so that's a good thing. It never really means anything, but I'll take it. It's only 4 tenths of a pound....HAHA, would that be the same as 4 ounces??

Tomorrow will be busy. I have to go see a potentially new client, which I have never done and will be very nervous about because I don't really know what I'm talking about and I have to tell him about what the company I work for has to offer. Um...good luck with that.

I also have to workout, but that goes without saying, have practice (a short one), make brownies, thai slaw salad (courtesy 30 minute meals), and clean the bathroom because my relatives are coming for my grandma's memorial service on Saturday.

Speaking of which, I'm supposed to read something that my brother is writing, since he can't come to the service. Haven't gotten it from him yet and who knows if I can read it without completely losing it. I guess we'll see.

I guess that's it. I still am fat and disgusted by my yuckiness. I want to be rail thin.

I had to cancel my appt. with D. for Monday because of my doctor's appt. She thinks I really need to see her because I have "a lot going on in my life." I'll still go sometime next week, just not Monday.

I'm going to bed.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Disgusted

I went to bed last night completely despising my disgusting body. I was not happy with the numbers on the scale and I went to bed mad. I hate that. I hate hating my body so much. I weigh myself at night with a certain number in mind and it was so not what I wanted it to be last night. This morning, the number was better than I thought it would be but it still a freaking struggle every minute.

I got home from practice today and changed my clothes to go to our game. I put on jean and a shirt that was tighter than I usually wear but I knew I would be putting more layers on as soon as I got there. Anyway, I was completely uncomfortable with my outfit. My thighs and ass looked completely huge (because they are) in those jeans. Therefore, I felt so nasty and was kind of freaking out a little. You could see my fat love handles through my shirt and just my overall bigness. I wanted to throw up. I can't stand it. I felt like everyone was looking at me and seeing how fat I am. It really doesn't help to stand next to the anorexic girl on the team. That makes me feel like a real porker.

Ugh! I just got really tired and need to go to bed but I haven't finished my tea yet. I already know what the scale's going to say because I just weighed myself about 40 minutes ago. Of course I'm going to weigh myself again though...just in case something changed.

Night.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

What happens to socks in the washing machine? Seriously?? I have three socks that have no matches. Where do they go?

I feel and look like I weigh 600 pounds. Do I say that everyday or what? Such a PITA (Pain in the ass). I would like my arms to be like sticks with definition, not like logs.

My ass hurts because I'm sitting on the floor. I need to get on the couch...that's better. My cat is curled upside-down in a ball attacking my laundry. She's eating my bathing suit. I must yell at her. K. I don't like Ty Pennington. He annoys me for some reason. Those are all my random thoughts for right now.

I have the same weighing in fear tonight and I don't know why. I had broccoli for dinner with a little bread. I should NOT have gained any weight but I'm sure I did. What's the deal? Sometimes I just want to take a knife to my body and cut off all the fat parts. I'd like to cut off half of my thigh so it's nice and skinny. I want to cut off my stomach and my love handles and my fatty arms. I'd like my ass to get smaller too.

I hate when people tell me that I am "skinny" or "so tiny." I really don't know how to respond to that. I can't turn to them and say "no I'm not" even though that's totally what I'm thinking. How do you respond to a compliment when you don't believe it? I have a big problem with that. I try to just say thank you and go about my business but sometimes it's hard, especially when I really don't believe what they are saying. It's so weird.

The moment of truth is about to come. It's "weigh-in" time.



Monday, September 18, 2006

Nothing exciting to say

I'm completely exhausted and really don't have anything to write about. There was so much that I wanted to write about this morning, but didn't have time to do so. I watched Kat McPhee talk about her battle with bulimia on the Dr. Keith Ablow show and it got me thinking. However, at this point in time I don't really remember what I was thinking about. So, I can't write what I wanted to write.

Watched Rachael Ray's new talk show too, while I was working. I like it, but I like RR's corny and spunky behaviors, though some don't. She does get a little overbearing sometimes, but who doesn't?!

I just talked to my friend Y. on the phone. She freaking cracks me up. I can't wait til we can hang out again. I hope it's soon. I was hoping she'd be able to come on the pole dancing excursion I am going on with some peeps in two weeks, but she'll be out of town. (The pole dancing will be a post soon).

I'm afraid of what the scale will say when I go weigh myself in 5 minutes. I wonder what my life would be like without that damn scale. I'm not anywhere near ready to find out. I was just going to write something else but I totally forgot what it was.

Oh, my shoulder is still hurting so I guess I really should make a doctor's appointment. I said I was going to do that two weeks ago but I never did because my grandma and stuff. Last week it didn't hurt at all for a few days and now it's bad again. I'm sure it will feel really nice after I teach a strength training class for an hour. Oh well.

K, this was the most boring post in the world but I am too tired to care. I'm trying to prepare myself for the bad mood I'm going to be in after I weigh myself.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Wiped out

My weekend was long and tiresome. I went to the fair in the pouring rain on Friday night. It was thundering and lightening and just a mess. The fairgrounds were a complete muddy mess, which they always are because it rains EVERY year for the fair. I watched the band and hung out. Got home and went to bed around midnight.

Saturday morning I woke up at 6:30 AM, though I really wanted to stay in bed. I went to the gym and worked out only 35 minutes because I had to go home and shower and go to the fair day parade. I really wanted to skip the gym all together and I feel like 35 minutes was pointess, but I guess it was better than nothing.

I marched in the parade (not by choice). It was perfectly sunny out and it actually is kind of fun to march in because I know so many people in my town and I get to see a bunch of them. I feel like the mayor because I'm constantly waving and saying hi to people.

After the parade we (my team) had to do some fundraising. Did that til 1 PM then went home and changed and headed back to the fair for the duration. My friend L. and I were taking care of the band. We were there from 2-12:30 am. I usually stick around and sing after the show but I was so exhausted. All I wanted to do was crawl into bed. I had to pick the singer's bus driver up at the hotel before I could come home.

I ended up having to introduce the singer before she took the stage. That was pretty fun. I love getting up on stage so when they asked me to do it I was like sure!

I crashed when I got home and slept until almost 8 this morning. I went to the gym and then went to the beach. I got home and completely washed my car. It was disgusting from the muddy parking lot. I was lucky I didn't have to get towed out of the lot though. Tons of people were getting stuck in the mud, which also happens every year, so the tow trucks were hanging out and pulling people out. So, I washed and vacuumed my car. Cleaned the windows and came in and took a shower. Now I'm just beat.

It's almost 5:30 PM and I've already had dinner (a whole wheat wrap with fat free cheese and tomatoes on it, toasted in the oven.) I fear that I'm going to be really hungry before the night is over and I don't want to eat anything else. I can have some fruit and that's it. Oh, I had 2 chocolate covered strawberries too. (See, I do eat shit that I shouldn't!!). My friend sent them to me. So, no more food, just some green tea and an apple if need be.

Bedtime will be very early tonight.

Friday, September 15, 2006

Dizzy and rainy

My blog was down this morning for some reason. It's back now so I can write.

I woke up this morning and was dizzy. It happens to me sometimes. It has nothing to do with food or anything, I think it's more an inner ear/sinus thing. The feeling is pretty much gone now.

I didn't feel like going to the gym this morning, but of course I went. I couldn't do much because of the dizziness so I just road the bike. I really hate the bike because I burn like half a calorie an hour. It was hard for me this morning, physically. I just wanted to stop peddling and sit there. I was not happy with the outcome of my workout, but I guess it's better than doing nothing. I just have to try and move on and not obsess about how few calories I burned. That's the tough part.

I'm going to make a big salad for dinner and then I am off to the fair. It ALWAYS rains on fair weekend. Literally, every year it rains, but not just a drizzle or two, downpours, thunder and lightening. The poor thing is cursed.

My bro is home for a wedding, which starts in 22 minutes in the thunder and lightening. My parents are also at that wedding. I'm going to get myself cleaned up and eat my salad and wait for my friend L. so we can go to the fair and listen to some good tunes.

I am working the fair tomorrow. L. and I are working with the band. It was fun last year and the show got cancelled because of the storms, so this year it should be better because the singer will actually get to perform. It's supposed to clear up tomorrow afternoon.

Sunday is a definite beach day. 80 degrees and sunny. I am so there!! I have no tan left, although people keep telling me that I am tan. I don't think I am. Just another disorder you can add to the list.

Oh, this is funny. I was talking to my old gym teacher at school yesterday and we were talking about my hair because there was a picture of me back from high school. She said, "this is when you were a brunette." I was like "yeah, I don't consider myself to be blonde though. People say something about me being blonde and I am like, huh. I have a hair disorder where I don't think I am blonde. I never think I am tan enough either." She said, "are you also one of those people who never thinks they're thin enough." I said, "No. Maybe sometimes but I am going to leave now before I say anything else."

So, it's miserable out. I'm going to get all muddy. I kind of don't even feel like going, but I have to. I am the back-up entertainment in case anyone doesn't perform. Hmmm, and to think I don't get paid for this. I know I'll have fun once I get there. It's just getting there.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

A little better

I felt better today. I actually smiled for the first time in a while. I was really hyper at practice today and everyone was like "what did you have before you came here? You have so much energy?"

I ran six miles this morning. I asked H. how many calories she thought I burned and she said 650. I said, "nope, only 376." (Ended up at 450 by the time I left the gym). H. said, "That thing is not right. The factor I always go by is 1o0 calories for every mile. You're extremely fit and you had the treadmill at an incline so I bet it was even more than that." I'll still go with the numbers because that is more factual for me.

I burned another 250 calories doing conditioning with the girls. It was raining to we worked out in the gym and I did cardio and strength work with them. My shoulder was feeling good the past few days. No pain at all, but I guess I overdid it today with the resistant band and push-ups because now it's bad again. Maybe it's the weather?

I have a big zit under my eye so I can see it with my eye. It's really annoying but doesn't look like a zit at all, which is a good thing. If only I could stop trying to pop it. It's basically a big red mark and it looks like I got elbowed in the eye. So, if someone asks me what happened to my eye I will just tell them that my niece elbowed me. That's much better than "it's a zit!" especially since it doesn't look like one. Looks more like a bite.

Speaking of my niece, she is here visiting for a few days, with my bro and his wife. They just moved 1600 miles away so it's nice to see them all. I sat on the couch and watched Alice in Wonderland with her. She's 2 years old and just so cute.

I'm really tired so I think I'll go to bed. I've got a crazy weekend ahead of me. Full day tomorrow, then tomorrow night I am working at our annual fair. I'll be hanging out with the band. Saturday, I will get up and workout and then I have to be at the parade by 8:45 so our team can march in it. Then I have to do fundraising until 1 pm. Then I have to go work the fair and will probably be there until midnight, at the earliest. Last year I ended up being the entertainment because the band that was supposed to play didn't play because of the weather. (it ALWAYS rains for our fair. Last year we have severe T-storm and major downpours) So, I took the stage after everyone had left the fairgrounds, and sang for 3 hours to the staff. That is a whole other story, which is really funny but I won't tell it now. I might never tell it because if someone I know stumbles upon it and reads it, they would totally know it was me. Can't have that. That's what sucks a little about my blog. I want to share some things but I just can't in case someone I know sees it. Then everyone would know how messed up I am. That would not be good.

K, I'm off to bed.

A little better

I felt better today. I actually smiled for the first time in a while. I was really hyper at practice today and everyone was like "what did you have before you came here? You have so much energy?"

I ran six miles this morning. I asked H. how many calories she thought I burned and she said 650. I said, "nope, only 376." (Ended up at 450 by the time I left the gym). H. said, "That thing is not right. The factor I always go by is 1o0 calories for every mile. You're extremely fit and you had the treadmill at an incline so I bet it was even more than that." I'll still go with the numbers because that is more factual for me.

I burned another 250 calories doing conditioning with the girls. It was raining to we worked out in the gym and I did cardio and strength work with them. My shoulder was feeling good the past few days. No pain at all, but I guess I overdid it today with the resistant band and push-ups because now it's bad again. Maybe it's the weather?

I have a big zit under my eye so I can see it with my eye. It's really annoying but doesn't look like a zit at all, which is a good thing. If only I could stop trying to pop it. It's basically a big red mark and it looks like I got elbowed in the eye. So, if someone asks me what happened to my eye I will just tell them that my niece elbowed me. That's much better than "it's a zit!" especially since it doesn't look like one. Looks more like a bite.

Speaking of my niece, she is here visiting for a few days, with my bro and his wife. They just moved 1600 miles away so it's nice to see them all. I sat on the couch and watched Alice in Wonderland with her. She's 2 years old and just so cute.

I'm really tired so I think I'll go to bed. I've got a crazy weekend ahead of me. Full day tomorrow, then tomorrow night I am working at our annual fair. I'll be hanging out with the band. Saturday, I will get up and workout and then I have to be at the parade by 8:45 so our team can march in it. Then I have to do fundraising until 1 pm. Then I have to go work the fair and will probably be there until midnight, at the earliest. Last year I ended up being the entertainment because the band that was supposed to play didn't play because of the weather. (it ALWAYS rains for our fair. Last year we have severe T-storm and major downpours) So, I took the stage after everyone had left the fairgrounds, and sang for 3 hours to the staff. That is a whole other story, which is really funny but I won't tell it now. I might never tell it because if someone I know stumbles upon it and reads it, they would totally know it was me. Can't have that. That's what sucks a little about my blog. I want to share some things but I just can't in case someone I know sees it. Then everyone would know how messed up I am. That would not be good.

K, I'm off to bed.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

In a funk

I'm in a funk and I can't get out of it. I don't know what's wrong with me. Could I still be feeling this way from my grandmother dying a week ago? I've had relatives pass away in my life before, although I was younger and didn't really get involved as much with everything as I did with my grandma. Maybe it's just harder for me this time because I was with her pretty much everyday and watched her die. I just feel like I should be over it by now. I mean, I had the opportunity to say goodbye to her. I had closure. So why do I still feel like this?

I think about my grandma and I know she is very happy where she is right now, back with her husband. I KNOW she's happy and that brings me peace, but I'm still sad. I don't feel like talking to people and the last thing I want to do is go run a field hockey practice for 3 hours everyday. I feel bad being so unhappy around these girls. I try to be a positive role model and I feel like I am not being one right now. I'm okay first thing in the morning when I am at the gym but then my day goes downhill. Ugh, I NEED to get over this. I WANT to get over this.

My cat is sitting on my lap, purring and being cute. She's so soft. I wish I was a cat.

To put a positive spin on things. I lost a little weight. Okay, so it was only a pound but I'm hoping more follows. If I'm going to be unhappy, I might as well lose weight so I have something to make me happy. But now it's like a constant fear that anything I eat will put that pound back on. That's the problem, you lose weight and are happy about it but you have this huge fear that it's going to come back so you end up struggling even more.

D. thinks I should take some 5htp (some herb or something) to make me feel better, but I don't really know about all those herbal remedies and if they really do do anything. So, I've opted to not waste my money and not take it.


I guess I should get ready for practice now, on this cloudy and chilly afternoon.

***Okay, after doing a little research on 5-HTP, maybe I will take it. It seems to that it help "control appetite." I read that it is sometimes used to help treat bulimia. If that's the case, sign me up. I could use a little help in the weightloss department. I don't have a binging problem, but any loss of appetite would be good!

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

I'm hungry

I'm sitting here watching Dancing With the Stars. I'm so psyched that it's back on, although I'm not fond of the cast this season. I started taking ballroom dancing lessons in April so it's even more fun for me to watch it this season.

I'm hungry but I won't allow myself eat anything right now. Sometimes I wonder if I should eat when I am hungry at night so my body doesn't go into starvation mode while I am sleeping, but I usually opt to not eat. How did I get so messed up? Why should, or does, the thought of food consume so much of my time? It kind of sucks. I shouldn't have to think about what I can or can't eat and if I am allowed or not allowed eat. It's not something people should have to think about, but rather something we just do. It shouldn't be such a process.

The Yanks are killing Tampa :) and DWTS is not impressing me all that much. Hopefully it will get better. I want to have to train for 8 hrs of day so I can look like Lisa Rinna (Last season). I wouldn't mind learning how to dance like that either.

Monday, September 11, 2006

The race is on

Every night it's the same thing. What will I weigh when I go to bed?? If I weighed this much last night when I went to bed and I weigh less than that now, will that mean I'll weigh less than what I weighed this morning when I wake up tomorrow?? It's always a big game. However, the game is never any fun to play. I never win and I LOVE to win!!

I weigh the same right now as I did last night when I went to bed last night, which means that I can't eat anything tonight, even if it's just an apple, which would be the only thing I'd eat right now anyway. I just have to drink water. Water and tea.

It was nice, yet a little weird...I kind of had the whole anorexic mindset of I don't really need to eat. I can get by without eating and be ok. I don't know how I did it in high school. Was I stronger than I am now to get by on eating fruit, dry cereal and bread everyday? I'm sure I could still do it, but now that I cook more I like to eat more veggies. I also know I need protein so I have my protein shakes for lunch. In high school I didn't know that I needed protein in my diet. While my diet is still limited, I've found other options to keep me going, like fake egg whites. I pretty much eat the same thing everyday, which I get pretty sick of, which is why I think sometimes I don't know what I want to eat.

I never thought that I'd still be doing this stuff at the age of 28. You think that it's something you'll grow out of but I'm still here. Obsessing about my weight, the scale, food, exercise, my body, etc. I don't know if it's something I'll ever "grow out of." All I know is that I don't want to have children and still be this way. I guess I don't really know how to, or if I want to get out. Maybe I'm just not satisfied because I haven't reached my goal yet, which to me, miss competition, equals failure.

Who knows what life would be like at 94 pounds. Would I be happier? Would I be miserable? I don't know and who knows if I will ever find out, although I would really like to. Till then, we'll see what I weigh tonight before I go to bed and hope that it will be less than it was last night.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Hoodia and stuff

I saw an add for Hoodia while I was looking through the fliers in today's paper. It caught my eye and I looked at it for a minute. I looked into the product a little and am very tempted to try it. My only concern is the caffeine. I'm sure there is some in there and I don't like to have caffeine. But, on the other hand, it sounds like it works and I am willing to try anything if it will help me lose weight.

I also saw that boxes of chocolate are on sale. That made me sad because my grandmother LOVED chocolates so I would always buy her boxes of candy. It made me sad because I thought I don't have anyone to buy boxes of candy for this year. :(

I've been depressed the past couple of days. Okay, so I've been depressed, I guess maybe just sad, for over a week, when I realized that my grandma wasn't going to get out of the hospital. Obviously I was really sad when she died and the days prior to and after that, but I don't know if it's normal for me to still feel this way. I'm not happy and don't really want to be around people and talk to people. I just want to be by myself. It's only been a few days, so I'm sure that's normal, but I don't know. I'm usually so chatty and outgoing, but right now I don't feel like talking to anyone. I don't even want to go see D. tomorrow morning.

Anger issues

I seem to be having some anger issues as of late. I am so pissed right now because the friggen pool chemicals I just bought just spilled on my clothes in my car on the way home. They friggen burnt a hole through one of my favorite sweaters and a huge hole through another shirt. I guess I should be thankful that it didn't get on my car seat and screw up my new car.

I am SOOOOOO PISSED!!! I need to punch something. I can't go bang on my drums because my mom is in the house. I did for 2 minutes but felt bad that she had to listen to it. I want to punch a wall! I'm not usually like this. I'm so pissed!

I just did some push-ups, which I'm not even supposed to be doing because of my shoulder, but I don't care if it hurts. Whatever.

I need to go check my car seat again to make sure it doesn't have a friggen hole in it. That would throw me over the edge. Car is ok.

DEEEEEEEP BREATHS!!! Ugh. Sometimes I hate myself!

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Yellow shirts


I just spent some of my exciting Saturday night ironing. In my pile of clothes, were three yellow short sleeve polo shirts. Hmm, I know yellow is my favorite color, but I didn't realize I had three very similar shirts. What can I say, I like yellow!

It's thundering and lightening out right now. A little end of the summer storm to bring in a cold front that I'm not looking forward to at all. I like it hot! Today was nice. I was outside from 9-1:30 at field hockey and got a little toasted. GOOD! I've lost my tan so I need to get some color back! I am heading to be the beach for a little while tomorrow with my friend L., unless she blows me off for some reason. That's okay though because I'll just go by myself. I'm fine with that and I've been liking alone time lately.

I got my car in the garage just in time. As soon as I pulled in the rain came down in buckets.

I've been talking a lot to the anorexic girl that I coach. I'm hoping that maybe she'll feel comfortable enough with me to maybe open up to me a little. I coached her when she was in 8th grade and now she is a junior. Technically, I'm not really her coach because I coach the freshmen team and she's on JV, but I still want to be there for her. It makes me sad to see her like that, yet I'm envious of the way she looks and the fact that she has the strength to lose weight. I clearly don't have that.

I asked my friend J. last night, who is becoming a psychologist, why it is I want to be so skinny? She tossed the question back into my hands and wanted me to answer it. I really had no answer other than the fact that I am too fat right now and want to be stick thin. She didn't like that answer and wanted me to think more psychologically rather than physically.

I don't really think I have anything else to write about right now. There is this song that I would love to have played at my grandma's service but I don't really know how to bring it up to my mother. I'm not really sure how that all works. It's a song by Carolyn Dawn Johnson called "Room with a View." She wrote it about her brother who died when they were younger. I would sing it in the church if I thought I could get through it without crying, but I know that that would never happen.

Friday, September 08, 2006

I love my friends

I don't know how, but I ended up with some of the sweetest people for friends. I got home from work yesterday and found a beautiful basket with plants and flowers in it from one of my friends. Today, I came home to one of those Edible Eats fruit baskets. It is huge!! That was from my roommate in college, the one I visited in the Hamptons. She said "I knew you wouldn't eat anything fattening."

I am just so touched by these peoples' kindness and sweetness. I love them! It makes you feel good to know someone cares so much to want to cheer you up. It helps.

I worked out this morning and then went to the beach. It was so peaceful. It was nice to be by myself and just get away from everything. I wish I could have stayed there all day. I may go back tomorrow, by myself. I kind of like being by myself right now. I just need alone time.

I'm wondering if I broke my nose, or chipped it. Oh well, there's nothing they can do about it if it is broken so there's no sense in getting it x-rayed. No black eyes! Although, it looks like I have a big red zit on the bridge of my nose, so maybe black eyes would help.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

I wish I could scream

The fucking washing machine top just fell on my fucking face and hit me in the fucking nose!! Now the bridge of my nose, which I've already broken once, is bleeding and I'm sure bruising. I'm so fucking pissed. I'm going to bang on my drums before I ice this.

Sorry for the swears. My emotional state is a little bit elevated these days.

Saying goodbye

I don't even know where to begin. So much has happened over the past few days and I have so much to write but it just doesn't seem like it's worth it at this point. We'll see what happens.

My grandma died yesterday afternoon. I've been with her pretty much every day over the past week. I don't even remember what day it was at this point, but I went to the hospital to visit her. I don't even know if she was on oxygen at this point either. I'm so lost. I just remember walking in to the hospital room to see her and her heart rate was 202. I got nervous and questioned it because I know that is outrageous. Apparently the tremors that she had (her hands would shake and the monitor was attached to her finger) caused inaccurate reading sometimes. I stood by her head, just rubbing her head. She could still talk a little at this point. She said she was hot so I got a cloth and wet it and put it on her neck and on her head. Her heart rate instantly dropped to 85. I'm not sure if I played a role in that or not, but I felt better. She said that it felt good on her, when I asked her. At one point she wanted it off. I took the clothe off and her heart rate jumped back up to 198, so I put the clothe back on.

I was able to tell my grandma that I loved her. She told me she loved me too. I think this all took place on Sunday and I think she did have an oxygen mask on. She also thanked me twice, while I was cooling her off. I left the room for a bit and then came back. I walked over to her and she looked at me and said "thank you." She knew everything that was going on, which kind of makes it a little sadder because she knew she was dying.

I went back to visit her Monday night, after my cousin's wedding. She was sound asleep so I didn't get a chance to talk to her.

Yesterday was my last day with my grandmother. I went to the hospital and when I walked in the room and saw her, I knew what was happening. She stared blankly in the direction of the tv that was hanging from above her her bed. She never blinked. I kissed her. I talked to her. I told her I loved her and thanked her for everything. I know she heard me but couldn't respond. I asked her to squeeze my hand, and I think she tried but was just too weak. My mom was not there at this point in time.

We learned that we could send my grandma to hospice. After a lot of thinking we decided to send her. We asked my grandma if she wanted to go and she shook her head yes. The doctors did all the paperwork and called for transportation. In that time period, she seemed to be getting weaker. Her breathing was more gargly and we were getting concerned that she wouldn't make it. I called my mother and asked her if my sister was still there. She said "yes" and I told her to have L. drive her into the hospital. My mom broke down. I told her she needed to get there soon, which was an issue because an overturned tractor trailer truck spilled hazardous material and part of the bridge to get to the hospital was closed. My mom finally got there and the discussion about sending to hospice came back. The paramedics came to transport her but we decided that we didn't want to risk the transport, so we sent them away.

After my aunt spoke up and said that grandma told her that she didn't want to die in the hospital the decision was set in stone. We sent her and my rode in the ambulance with her. They wouldn't allow her to ride in the back but on the way there the driver pulled off the highway and told her to get in back. They knew something was happening.

I had to leave the hospital to get to practice before they transported her. I was going to be the only coach there at the beginning so I had to be there. I left just after 3 and went to our 4 pm practice. My mom said she'd call when they got to hospice. My mom called at 4:36 and said "She only has a few more hours" so I left and drove the 15 minutes to get there. I walked in the door and ran up the stairs. My dad was in the hallway and walked over to me and said "she didn't make it." My grandma had died 15 minutes before I got there. I wonder if she had died before my mom called me and just didn't want to upset me or not. I am sorry that I wasn't by her side, but I am happy for the time that I did spend with her.

My grandma died very peacefully. She had 4 out of her 5 children by her side, the other on the phone. He told her he loved her and she took her last breath. It couldn't had been anymore peaceful. She knew it was her time. She held on for days so she wouldn't "screw up" the wedding. She didn't want to die in the hospital. She made it to hospice and was there for 15 minutes before she left. I told her, before I left her at the hospital, that it was "okay" (for her to go). I kissed her and told her I'd see her later.

Relief came over me when my father told me that she had passed. I knew she had suffered for too long. She willed herself to make it as far as she did. It was time for her to let go. This is when you realize the power of the mind. It's absolutely amazing.

I know my grandma is in a better place and is back with the love of her life, who was killed 26 year ago by a drunk driver while on a business trip. When she said goodbye to him that day, she didn't know that she would never see him again. I am very grateful that all of us had the chance to bid a proper farewell to my grandma. I'm sad that she was mentally aware of everything that was going on and that she knew she was dying, but I'm happy she was able to communicate with us.

Just when you think you have no more tears left in your eyes...

The hospital staff was absolutely amazing. They took the patient that was in her room out because she was complaining about the noise my grandma's heart monitor made. It beeped every so often. They took her away, cleaned the floor and brought in a bunch of chairs for us. They also brought us cookies and coffee, neither of which I chose to have, of course. Yesterday, the nurse came in and said "I got you guys some vouchers for the cafe. Use them all!!!"

The nursing staff was so wonderful. They cried with us, they gave my grandma cards. They all loved working with her. I don't know if they know she didn't make it, but I know they knew it was coming. It just amazes me to see them care so much when they deal with this sort of thing everyday. They said that they've never seen such wonderful family support and love.

I need to end this post because it's way too long and I need to stop crying. I'm exhausted. It's kind of funny, or sad, how even with all this going on I still had time to obsess about my weight. It doesn't go away.

I'm not re-reading this to check for errors. I'm too tired for that.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Quick post

Just a quick post to say hi you and thank you guys for all of your support. I would like to head back into the hospital soon, but there's a huge accident on the highway and everything is backed up. Took my dad 2 hrs to get to work.

My cousin got married yesterday and she looked beautiful and the wedding seemed to go perfectly, all things considered.

I've been an emotional wreck and exhausted so I haven't really felt like writing. They're taking the feeding tube out of my grandma, if they haven't already so she doesn't have much time left. My boss is nice enough to let me stay with her and my mother and "take care of mom."

My grandma got to see all of her children over the weekend so I feel as though she has some closure. She also hung on for my cousin's wedding, which I think was her main reason for fighting. Hopefully I can get in to see her soon. Last night when I was there she slept the whole time, which she needed to do. Apparently she was very anxious the whole day because of the wedding. I was told she relaxed and went right to sleep after she saw my mom and found out the wedding went well. She slept like a baby the whole time I was there. My sister stayed with her all night at the hospital. Oh man, I hear my mom crying. She's on the phone with my brother. :(

I'm done.

Sunday, September 03, 2006

An emotional day

I don't even know why I am taking the time to write this little post right now because I am completely exhausted. I actually don't even want to get into it because I'll just start crying again and I've done enough of that already today.

I broke down if front of everyone while I was visiting my grandma. I lost it. I completely lost it and my mom held me so tight like I was a child. Okay, I'm starting to cry now so I'm done.
Hopefully I'll get back to everyone's blogs soon. I miss reading them.

Saturday, September 02, 2006

Dinner with the crazy folk

I have to go out to dinner tonight and I am completely not looking forward to it. It doesn't even have anything to do with food either. I have to go out to eat with my entire family...well, not the entire family, but a lot of the family. Some I'd rather not see. Let's think about how many that will be...okay, I counted 25 of us, but I'm sure I missed a few. I'd rather not see my aunt from FL, who I can't even stand to look at. Actually, no one can stand her. I know that sounds horrible but it's the truth. I'd also like to not see, but can tolerate my newly married into the family aunt in Vermont. I actually don't even consider her my aunt.

Most of the relatives are at the hospital visiting my grandma right now. My non-aunt aunt, who is staying at my house through Monday, likes to talk a little too much. Last time my grandma was in the hospital she said something totally out of line. I can't remember the details, it was something to the extent of her dying, but she has no right to say anything. Today she said "Jesus is waiting for you." Okay, totally NOT something she should be saying. We all know my grandma is not doing well, but it's not her spot to say anything like that to her. That makes me, and the rest of my family pretty mad. My grandmother knows she's not going to hell. She's very religious. I'm sure she has no doubts that "Jesus is waiting for her" when it's her time, but she doesn't need people telling her that she's dying!! Ugh, okay I need to stop ranting now because it makes me mad.

Back to dinner. I am just going to sit in a corner with my sister and far away from the peeps that I don't care to see. My aunt in FL is a complete crazy woman. I really can't stand to look at her. She has some serious issues!!

I checked out the menu, which always makes me feel a little better. I saw two salads that look good. I'll bring my Paul Newman's low fat sesame ginger dressing and be happy. There's nothing better than a good salad. Okay, there are a lot of things better than a good salad, like getting a nice tan on the beach in Bora Bora, but I'm not going there anytime soon. ;)

So that's it. I'm sure I will come out of tonight's dinner with some very interesting stories. Probably none worth writing about, but stuff my family will talk about for a while. Put all these crazy folk together and there's bound to be something worth talking about.

Friday, September 01, 2006

Emptying the trash

I don't even know where to start. I'm just going to type and this will probably have no rhyme or reason and jump from topic to topic, but whatever.

My parents think I'm selfish. Actually, I think I already wrote about that one time so I'll skip that. It just really pissed me off tonight when they said I was selfish.

I'm not going to hold anything against my mother. I know she's under a lot of stress with grandmother. She's power of attorney so she's the decision maker. I wouldn't want to have to do that. I would be a mess.

My mom thinks it would be a nice thing for me to go spend Sunday night with my sister and my nephews so I can help her get the boys ready for my cousin's wedding on Monday. Her hubby is away on business in freaking Amsterdam. I would love to go stay over there and be with the boys but that would mean that I couldn't workout Monday morning. That is the only thing holding me back. I can't not workout. I am getting fatter by the second. I can't stand myself. I can't stand myself so much that I actually don't even filter who I make comments to about my weight, which is bad because that means I really can't stand the way I look. It's not like I'm even eating a lot. I could start taking my hydroxycut again but I don't even take the suggested amounts (because I would like to remain alive). I just need to stop eating all together. I can't imagine what the hell I'd look like if I ate like a "normal" person. Ugghhhh!! I'd weigh 9,000 lbs.

My shoulder is hurting more than it should for some reason. I don't really know why. Maybe it has something to do with me hitting field hockey balls everyday for the past week. I'm not sure.

Speaking of injuries, I was having a discussion via email this morning with a knowledgeable friend about injuries, overexercising and overuse. She's got a master's degree in exercise science, and some personal experience, so she knows her stuff. She was saying how a lot of injuries occur from overuse. I totally agree with her and get it. The fitness professional in me knows how important taking a day off from working out is and how proper nutrition is necessary to rebuild muscle. By not allowing the body a day to rest and recover, the body cannot rebuild and the little muscle tears you acquire can't heal themselves, eventually resulting in injuries.

Now, I'm very good at telling people they need to take atleast 1 day a week off to let their body's recover, but I can't do it myself. Even with my lower back down to my knee still hurting for nearly 2 months now, which I think has played a part in my hip popping out of place, though that has happened for years, I still hop on the treadmill and run, or whatever. I have tried resting my shoulder by not really lifting, but that gets a little difficult when you're teaching strength conditioning classes and doing push-ups in the other classes I teach. Whatever. So, while I know I should really give my body a break for several reasons, including the fact that overworking your body does nothing to improve your fitness level. So it's not like I'm really accomplishing anything. I'm not getting any leaner or any thinner. I'm still flabby and just getting fatter.

I can't even remember what the hell else I was going to write about because I've been interrupted so many times throughout this post. Phone calls, instant messages, relatives popping in from Florida.