Friday, June 30, 2006
So, I was laying (lying) in the pool today doing some thinking. I've mentioned before how I think about how "nice" it would be to be bulimic. I know, that sounds nuts, but the ability to be able to eat whatever the hell you want and then just "get rid of it" so you aren't filled with the guilt of eating all those calories, (although I'm sure you get sacked with tons of other guilt ridden feelings after going through that process) sounds so appealing to me sometimes.
Now, I have sort of experimented with the whole "bulimic thing" before. I didn't really go about the whole throwing up thing the "normal way." I won't get into how I did it, as to not give anyone any crazy ideas, but I'm sure it's different. I'm thinking that DrStacey would have a field day with this one.
It's kind of funny because I don't think I've ever really gone on a real "binge." A binge for me is like 4 or 5 bites of ice cream because it's something I never allow myself. So, I take the bites and then feel incredibly guilty about the calories and fat I just consumed, freak out and then do my thing. I've only done this a handful of times. It's not a habit and happen very, very rarely. It's quite rare.
I've stuck my finger down my throat many, many times, but have never gone through with anything. I think this is out of fear. Fear that I will totally lose control and end up throwing up everything I eat. I know myself too well, and I know that I have a very addictive personality, and if I made myself throw up once I'd never stop. So I guess that fear that I have is good. It's keeping me healthy.
I want to be healthy. It's the athlete in me. I want to be strong and be able to run far and fast and jump higher than anyone else. I'm a competitor, though I don't have anyone but myself to compete with now. I also want to be skinny. Can the two go hand and hand?? I think so!
This was a random post. Not sure where it came from.
My dad is constantly eating. I don't know why it bugs me so much, but it does. It annoys me for some reason. He's always snacking on something. My sister always says the same thing, not that it annoys her, but comments on how he's always eating.
Since dinner, which we ate at 5:30, he's had fruit and just grabbed some peanuts. I think he might have had another snack in there too, but I'm not sure. He never gains any weight, probably because he never stops moving around all day long, unless he's watching the Yankees. Although, when they are losing or do something stupid, his arms start flailing and he swears in Italian. He can fall asleep instantly too (on the couch). Men!
I LOVE HIM to death! He's an unbelievable human being and an amazing father!!! I smile everytime I think about him.
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Let's be serious. I LOVE seeing the numbers go down and I FREAK when they go up. It's as simple as that.
Now on to more trying issues. My friend has invited me to go on vacation with her family. This is my friend H, who is like a mom to me, except she's way cooler and I can actually talk to her about "real" things. I love her, and her husband is awesome and I love her kids. I used to babysit for them way back in the day.
So, H is fully aware of my eating issues/disorder, whatever the hell it is. I freak out when I go away anyway, how could I possibly go on vacation with someone who is aware of all this and would be keeping a watchful eye on me?? I don't think I can.
Here are my dilemmas:
Where would I work out? I could run in the early morning as it would be a little too hot to run any other time in Florida in August.
I wouldn't have a scale!!! That's probably my biggest concern. Although, I could join a gym for a few days and weigh myself there, but that's not the same. I freak out without my scale. Completely freak. H would totally know that I was uncomfortable.
Eating- That's pretty much self-explanatory. Although, H doesn't really eat either so that could be a good thing. I know there would be a lot of dining out though.
Hmm, maybe I should go away. I could lose weight on this trip. It could be a good thing afterall. Now I'm thinking about it. She's a workout freak too. She says she takes days off but I don't believe her.
The other good that might come out of it would be her seeing that I was having issues and us talking about it. Obviously, that's always an uncomfortable situation but maybe a necessary one. Who knows. I guess I'll have to make a decision soon so I can book a flight. I think I would just freak out too much though. I don't know.
Monday, June 26, 2006
D. - If the scale said you weighed 94 lbs would you be happy with the way you looked?
Now, I probably got that wrong, but I think that's what she asked me. I think I answered her with a "yes" too.
Later on, at work, I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. I thought, ew, I am fat. It was at that point that I realized that the number on the scale doesn't matter. I thought to myself, even if I weighed 94 lbs right now I would still think I am fat.
That realization just really shocked me. I know that if I got down to 94 lbs I would want to lose more. It's that cycle that doesn't end. You get a number in your head and then when you get to that number it's not good enough. It's satisfying for about a second and then you have a new goal weight in mind. So it's a continuous downward spiral. I know how the game goes, I just refuse to stop playing it.
Now that I know that the number really doesn't matter doesn't mean I am going to stop weighing myself 16 times a day or stop obsessing about my weight. That won't change at all. The number is still extremely important to me.
Sunday, June 25, 2006
If I can keep this weight off I will be so happy. I ate a bunch of strawberries before. That's the best part about summer...all of the fruit! I LOVE fruit! It's good for ya and it tastes good too.
The weather absolutely sucks though. I am so bored out of my mind and don't know what to do with myself.
My dad said that my legs looked skinny today. Woohoo!! He asked if I had lost weight. I love that!
At the gym, the owner/my boss, was busting on my weight. We were all talking about how many calories we burned in that class and they commented how the bigger the person, the more calories they burn (Obvi). He said something to me about weighing 74 pounds and I jokingly said, "No, 77. Get it right." So, this other girl on the stairclimber chimed in and said, "You should probably still be in a car seat." It was pretty funny and everyone laughed. It's always the quiet ones. ;) I said, "I'm not really 77 lbs. I wish!" So, that was that. Funny at that.
I guess that's all I have to say today. I'm going to go get ready for bed, weigh myself (Shocker), and hit the hay. Hopefully I'll be content with the numbers. We'll see.
Saturday, June 24, 2006
I just got back from a party where I ate too much. Okay, too much in my terms which was probably not a lot at all. I didn't even eat any of the dinner and got away with it because of the whole "I'm just getting over the stomach bug and I can't really stomach certain foods" excuse, which is partially true.
I think I'm definitely more obsessed with my weight since being sick and losing a few pounds. I'm freaking out now because I gained almost 3 lbs today. I know it's not real weight and I will probably shed 2 lbs of it while I am sleeping, but the scale says I gained weight and that's really all that matters.
I have to find some clever ways to get out of eating meals with my family. Sitting down and having a meal is getting more and more stressful for me. If I lived on my own, it would be fine. I wouldn't have to eat, but because I live with my parents, it's hard to do that when you sit down and have dinner with them. Atleast they know how picky I am.
If I could just eat, or not eat, the way I was when I was sick that would be perfect. My workouts suffered, but as long as I lose weight, even if it's a little muscle, I'm okay with that. Although, I do freak out if I can't workout as hard as I usually do and would like to. As much as I do it for weightloss and weight control, I also to it to be in tip top shape. It's the natural athlete in me.
It's the athlete in me which kept me from falling too deeply into an eating disorder, I believe. I think it was my saving grace, but now I don't have to compete the way I did in college and don't have to be at the top of my game, so I don't really need to eat. I know I didn't exactly eat enough when I was in college and probably would have been an even better athlete if I did, but I ate enough to get by and run my ass up and down the field for 70 minutes or more, if we went into overtime. I miss that.
I could probably keep typing but I suddenly got sleepy. I'm going to bed and waking up and working out!
Thursday, June 22, 2006
(My cat is now sitting on my lap and laptop. Makes it difficult to type, but I love her!)
Having not been really eating the past few days makes me wonder what will happen when I do get my appetite back. My first thought is fear...fear that I will go back to eating the way I was before, which in many peoples' opinions was not a sufficient amount. My other fear is that I will become more obsessed (if that's possible) with not eating and more consumed (ha) by the number on the scale and how many calories I eat and I burn.
I'm kind of afraid that I may take a downward spiral. I don't know why I think that or am afraid of that. I guess because I know how obsessed I am with numbers and if I start seeing the scale go up again I will freak out.
Maybe if I am lucky my appetite won't come back. However, I don't think I could get away with eating only 3 bites of something around people for too long. That's when you have to start pulling the tricks out of your sleeve and being a great faker.
I've lost almost 3 pounds this week and I still feel and look fat.
Now that I sit here and think about it, I think my biggest fear is that I am going to get my appetite back tomorrow and want to eat and then I will just eat and blow up like a balloon. I definitely have self-control around food. Or, one might call it slight deprivation on my part, so I don't know why I am so worried I am going to eat so much. I've probably eaten no more than 1500 calories in the past 4 days, and that's probably stretching it, and one of those days I only ate 4 crackers because that was the day after I spent the night with my head in the toilet. I don't know. I'm just getting nervous and curious as to what's going to happen next.
The other question I've been asking myself is, is my appetite non-existent because I am still sick, or is it non-existent because I don't want it to exist?? Hmm, I know last time I had the stomach bug I had no appetite for 6 days then on day 7, BAM, it was back and I was pissed. That's what I'm scared of. Will I be able to deny myself and live off what I am eating now when I regain my appetite? Maybe I'll be lucky and I won't ever want to eat.
I don't even want to know how much I've screwed up my metabolism over the past 14 years. That scares me too. I'm sure I've messed it up even though I don't really "starve" myself. So that sucks.
I guess I wish I could just be "normal" and not care what I weigh or eat or whatever. I wonder what that would be like?
Katharine McPhee's Bulimia Battle
American Idol's Simon Cowell called runner-up Katharine McPhee's voice "the best of the competition." What hardly anyone knew, however, was that she'd risked destroying that voice: She'd struggled with bulimia for five years, and the self-induced vomiting could have taken away her ability to sing.
At her worst point, she was throwing up as many as seven times a day, which is like "putting a sledgehammer to your vocal cords," she tells PEOPLE in its new issue.
Finally, after successfully auditioning for Idol last fall, McPhee, 22, decided to seek help. "When I made it onto American Idol, I knew that food – my eating disorder – was the one thing really holding me back," she says. "I was bingeing my whole life away for days at a time … So when I got on the show, I said, 'You know what? I can do well in this competition. Let me give myself a chance and just get ahold of this thing.' "
With the support of her parents, Peisha, 52, and Daniel, 57, and her actor boyfriend, Nick Cokas, 41, in October McPhee enrolled at Los Angeles's Eating Disorder Center of California, where she spent three months undergoing group and individual therapy, six days a week.
"I knew I had put off going to a treatment center long enough – I'd been struggling with bulimia since I was 17," she says. "Growing up in Los Angeles and spending all those years in dance class, I'd been conscious of body image at a young age, and I went through phases of exercising compulsively and starving myself. … Food was my crutch; it was how I dealt with emotions and uncomfortable situations."
Finally, her program at the Eating Disorder Center helped her gain control of her relationship with food – but it wasn't easy. "I really had to surrender and give up having a free life to do the program, because I'd be there from 9 in the morning until 7 at night. … I remember that first night, my dad holding me, crying and saying, 'I don't know why you have to suffer through this, but it's going to be okay.' "
Now, McPhee, whose first single comes out June 27, has dropped 30 lbs. as a result of the "intuitive eating" approach she learned at the center. "I learned that there's no such thing as a bad food," she says. "If you look at a doughnut, people think it's a fattening food – why? Because if you eat it you'll get fat? No, you'll get fat if you eat 10 doughnuts."
Although McPhee admits she's still learning to deal with stress – "I still bite my nails," she says – she's much happier these days. Of getting treatment for her illness, she says, "That's why I say American Idol saved my life, because if I hadn't auditioned I don't think I would have gotten a handle on food."
I thought it was very brave of her to realize that her eating disorder was such a problem and to get help for it before venturing in to such a life changing experience like American Idol. I'm quite impressed with Ms. McPhee, both on and off the stage! You go girl!
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Okay, so I just tried to do Carmen Electra's cardio striptease aerobics dvd. I tried both of them and was completely bored with them. I did about 5-10 minutes of each before shutting them off because they moved so slowly. I want a freaking workout, not these slow as molasses dance moves. I wanna sweat. Granted, everytime I start to move a little too much my stomach gets that weird "remember you are getting over the stomach flu" feeling, but oh well. I AM JUST SOOOOO BOREEEEDDDD!!! I can't wait til the morning when I can get up and go to the gym.
Let's discuss how I feel fat after having lost 2.5 lbs. What's that about? I know it's because I haven't been able to work out hard. I'm sure my body needed a little break, but 3 days is long enough for slacking off. I did 70 minutes of cardio today, which isn't long enough, and I wasn't really exerting too much effort or energy because I didn't really have the energy. Hopefully tomorrow will be better and hopefully by Friday I will be able to do a good run. I don't think I've run for almost 2 weeks so that should be interesting and painful, and probably piss me off because it won't be up to my standards.
Maybe I shouldn't set standards for myself. HA HA! That's funny. Like that would ever happen.
I can't wait until I'm done house sitting. I love animals, but these dogs have to be completely on top of me when I am trying to sleep. I need some space doggies. They're so cute, but I want no sleep disturbances.
I think I am very agitated right now because I am bored. Could I be anymore random in this post and jump topics so much? Hmm, I think not. I'm shutting up now.
Maybe I should rename my blog "Bored and not worth posting or reading."
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
Okay, so I'm bored which is dangerous because I start to think too much. My stomach's still not "right" from the stomach bug I've got. I did manage to eat a little today though, which is where the problem lies.
I'm starting to get a little nervous about eating again because I am afraid I am going to gain weight. Actually, I know I will and that scares me. I can get away with saying my stomach is not right for a few more days, then what? As of right now, that's not a lie either. I really don't want to eat. Nothing appeals to me and the thought of some foods make me downright nauseaus. I'm just afraid of what's going to happen once I start eating "normally" (my normal) again.
It just sucks. I wish I didn't have to put so much thought into this and I could just live my life. I say that, but do I really mean it? While I'm somewhat sick of it all, I'm not ready to change yet. We all know you have to be willing to change in order to change. So I guess this is where I'll be, for now atleast.
Being skinny is more important to me than many other things, sadly enough. I know that's pathetic but that's the way it is. Of course I want to be healthy, happy, find a nice guy and live, but I also want to be skinny.
This post is just way too random and probably making no sense. I am just typing as random thoughts come into my head. I guess I will stop now though because I don't really have much else to say.
Since Sunday night I've eaten 4 crackers and a piece of toast with peanut butter on it. No, surprisingly enough it's not my new diet, although it wouldn't be bad. The stomach bug is still fluttering around in my tummy.
I got to the gym early enough, which was still later than usual, so I could do an hour of cardio before I taught. Okay, what the hell was I thinking? I barely rode the bike for 25 minutes. I was going so slow that it kept pausing on me. Now that's a problem!!
I'm a little nervous that I won't be able to do much tomorrow either. That freaks me out. Right now it's not so much the "I have to burn calories" mindframe, because I'm not eating anything. Rather, it's the "I'm getting so out of shape" thoughts that are filling my head. Ironically enough, I feel fatter and look fatter to me too. Funny, since I've lost weight, which again, is probably just because of dehydration.
All right. It's 10:33 AM and I need to take a nap.
Monday, June 19, 2006
I basically spent all of last night in the bathroom throwing up, dry heaving and sitting down. It was pleasant. I finally decided to just head downstairs and lay on the couch at 5 AM. That's where I spent all of my day, sleeping.
Living at home is great when your sick. My mommy was there to take care of me and try and feed me. Even now, the thought of food makes me want to puke. Needless to say I have not eaten anything all day. Well, almost. My mom wouldn't let me leave the house until I ate something so I took a bite of a banana. She also got me to drink a little Coke, to help settle my stomach. Did I mention that I hate soda!!
The only good part about this is that I am hopefully losing weight. However, I'm probably just really dehydrated so once I drink it will all come back. Bummer!
Okay, that's enough writing for now.
Sunday, June 18, 2006
I'm fatter again! I lost a couple of pounds now I am right back to where I was a week ago. It really sucks and is so frustrating. I just don't get it. I'd like to just make myself throw up right now, but what good with that do me? That's not really the route I take anyway, although sometimes it seems so appealing.
I didn't even eat much for dinner. I ate some hard boiled eggs out of the potato salad my mom made and had some broccoli for dinner and a piece of an apple. Oh yeah, I had a few bites of left-over pizza (no cheese) too. I feel so full and I don't know why. We ate like 2 hours later than usual too, which I hate. I just feel fat, gross and nasty. I am definitely running hard tomorrow!!
So, I'm sitting at lunch today with my family. They're all eating hotdogs and hamburgers and I was eating my 3 bean salad. My sister looks at me and says "How can you live and not eat?" I looked at here and was like "huh?" I thought she was going to say "not eat hotdogs" or something like that. I was like "I eat." (They all know I eat. I really do eat!) My mom chimed in and said, and I hate this term, "she's anorectic." Okay mom, whatever! I hate that word too. Can't she say anorexic if she is going to say anything? Not like that's any better but it's better than anorectic!
Actually, it's kind of funny that she said that to me today because my friend (who happens to be bulimic) and I were chatting about our parents and if they know about us. Well, there's obviously much more to be known, or hear, about her and she said she thinks her rents know. I said, "I don't think mine do, but we're all in denial about what they think anyway." So, it's kind of ironic that my mother said that today.
I guess I'll never know unless I ask, and I'm not going there!!
So, I'm fat. You knew I'd get to it eventually. Blah! I just hope we don't have a ton of food here today for Father's day. I discovered this 3 bean salad that I am going to eat for the rest of my life. It's got protein, fiber, and no fat. I know you need some fat in your diet, but I get plenty.
I start house/dog sitting tomorrow for the next 5 days. That means not having to eat dinner with my family. Woohoo. It also means not waking up and weighing myself on my scale. AHHHH! They have a scale at their house, but it's not digital and I won't know my exact weight. Freak out time!!
I'll write more about that later, I'm sure. I'm off to sit my ass in the pool and get tan!
Saturday, June 17, 2006
My sister was at my house with her two boys, ages 2 and 4. We were sitting at the table eating dinner. I got up for a minute and was standing next to the 2 yr old when he started saying "freaking asshole." Out of nowhere!!! I looked and listened for a minute, then started laughing...looked at my sister, she started laughing...then looked at my mom and she said, "is he saying 'asshole'?" Um, sounds they way to me!
We all laughed, the number one thing NOT to do when a child is saying or doing something they shouldn't be. I turned to my sister and asked, "where did he learn that?" She said, "I don't know. I don't say that word." Suuuuurrrreee.
Friday, June 16, 2006
Actually, let me rewind for a minute... H told me she was going to NY for the weekend, but was dreading the 6 hour drive. I said "why don't you have M (my boss) fly you up there. (He has a pilot's liscense and a plane). Now, she is petrified of flying. I mean completely terrified of it, but I think it was actually better than driving the 6 hours. So, M said he'd fly them up, but H wanted me to come for some moral support, which I was totally okay with. My mom, on the other hand, HATES me going up in his plane.
So, in the meantime, H was hypnotized by a psychologist friend to help with her fear, and given some drugs too. (legal ones) As of last night, I was not going to make the trip because my mother did not approve. H completely understood, being a mother who worries herself. But, I felt bad because I wanted to support H. She has be there for me so many times.
To make this a bit shorter. We were leaving at 1:30. I was meeting M at work and we were going to pick up R and H. I still, at the point, did not know if I was going to get on the plane. When I left my house my mom said "I do not want you to go." Five minutes later, in my phone call to her she said, "Do you love me? Do you respect me?" Guilt much?!
It was a very stressful day and now I'm exhausted. I didn't want to hurt anyone and I knew someone would be hurt by my decision. That someone ended up being my mother.
I went on the trip. Everything was fine and now I'm here writing about it. Probably a dumb thing to stress over, but I really didn't want to upset anyone, especially my mother. On another note, here are some pics from the plane. The sunset is from Tuesday when we flew to PA for work.
Thursday, June 15, 2006
The other night I dreamt I was in a treatment center for eating disorders, which I've dreamt before, but I'm not sure why. I know that I have never needed to be, or don't need to be hospitalized for my eating habits. I eat enough. Clearly, I do. If I didn't, I would be wasting away, which I'm so not even close to doing.
I've often thought about what it would be like to be forced to go to one of those places. (I have many friends that have been hospitalized several times for their eating disorders and can't imagine what that would be like.) I know everyone who is there does not want to be there, so my thoughts are no different than theirs, I'm sure, and I am not even close to being as sick as they are. With that said, I can't imagine having to eat everything that they put on your tray...Or not being able to workout...Or not being able to weigh myself.
My biggest problem is that I am a very picky eater. I don't like a lot of things. Granted I don't like a lot of things because of their fat/calorie/carb content, but I honestly don't like a lot of foods. So, like everyone else in those places, I to would be a nightmare to work with.
I guess it doesn't really matter because I will never be put in that situation. I won't allow it. I don't know why I think about that sometimes. It freaks me out to think about, but sometimes it pops into my head. I guess we can't control our thoughts.
So those are my thoughts for the evening...some of them atleast. If I wrote them all down I'd be here for months. My brain doesn't have an off switch, which kind of sucks sometimes, but that's all for now.
A friend of mine was supposed to come in from out of town and spend the weekend with me this weekend. We had this planned for a few weeks and she emailed me this morning and told me she couldn't make it because her mom was coming into town and they had to go to a family party. Okay, so that's legit, but come on...did she not know before today that she couldn't make it?
That drives me completely freaking insane. First of all, I'm a planner. I like to know what's going on, when and all the other details so I can figure out my life. Not knowing whether she was coming Friday or Saturday, I wasn't sure of my plans. I hate that!!
Secondly, and this is huge, I am constantly being disappointed by people. This is when I fall into my "I hate people" mode. If I say I am going to do something, I do it!! I keep my commitments, but that doesn't seem to be the case with most people. I have been blown off so many freaking times, not just for little things either, that I can't fucking stand it anymore. I'm never making plans with anyone again. This is why I do things, like go on vacation, by myself. Atleast I know I'll follow through with going. I've come to realize that you can't count on anyone!!
I'm getting more mad (madder?) the more I think of this. I am not blaming her. I know she didn't mean it, but I'm still pissed. Actually, disappointed would be a better word.
While I'm in the moment, I will keep on venting. I woke up last night and couldn't straighten, or maybe it was bend (I don't remember) my leg. It's happened before in my sleep, but not lately. It feel like my knee is stuck or swollen or something. I didn't do anything to it. It still hurts now, even to touch. WTF? I know that when I am older I am going to look back and regret how much and how hard I've worked, or overworked, my body, but right now it's what I have to do. I know that I should take a day off to let my body recover but I don't do it. I don't know why I know all this stuff and choose not to do it. The smart part of me isn't good at convincing my other half to ease up.
I'm sure I'll post something later. It's one of those days.
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
That could just be a load of crap.
All right, let me give this a shot...my upper body, though you can't really see it, is too muscular. My arms are too big, as in fat and muscular. Honestly though, I don't think my stomach looks that bad. But, I'm also having a good day, meaning that I weighed myself and the numbers are down. Ask me what I think of the picture later and my opinion could totally change. I know that I do not look like that. I see myself when I look in the mirror and it's not a pretty site. Fat!
Okay, let's get down to the nitty gritty though. I have love handles. They're not as visible in this picture as they are in person. I also have a fat pouch on my stomach, below my belly ring.
(Picture has been deleted)
Overall, I look at this picture and think that my stomach does not look like that. It must have been taken in good lighting, a slimming mirror or something because I have fat rolls and love handles. I want a 6-pack, my ribs to stick out, and my hip bones to stick out. I want to be thin as a rail. I want my clavicles and my chest bones to be exposed. I just want to lose 10 pounds and then I think I would be "perfect."
Oh, I can't believe I am actually posting this. I may vomit!
Monday, June 12, 2006
I had a dream that I was eating a large chocolate, gooey waffle cone last night. I dreamt that it was 4:15 PM and I was at work eating this deliciously creamy, chocolately, chocolate chunck, ice cream cone. I remember thinking how good it tasted. I also remember the guilt I had while eating it, and how it was making me nervous.
I don't remember if I ate the entire thing or not, but I guess I must of because I remember thinking, I can't believe I just ate all that. Now I have to eat dinner in 45 minutes. I can't eat another thing and I am going to get so fat. I feel so gross.
So, it was at the point that I decided to go make myself throw up. I don't really remember that part of my dream, so I don't know if it ever really happened. I think I may have woken up.
Sunday, June 11, 2006
I was fine up until the last mile. That's when my knee started bothering me and I got this sharp, stabbing pain in my stomach. It was weird though, not like a cramp. It was in a weird spot, like my ovary or somewhere in that area. It went away so I'll just forget about it.
I don't know why I put my body through this. I only burned 753 calories doing that run too. That's so not worth it for me. I can burn more than that working out for 2 hours at the gym.
Now onto my next subject. I spent the latter part of the day and night in New Jersey yesterday. Needless to say, I was away from my scale. I started to get a little anxious after I ate because I couldn't weigh myself and was scared as to how much weight I had gained.
The same thing happened again today. I am trying to figure these things out, slowly and confusingly. (is that a word?) So, I got that same anxious/scared feeling today when I was at a picnic. I was scared that I had gained a ton of weight, and I didn't even eat that much, and it made me very anxious. I remember thinking, while driving home, I'm scared to go home and weigh myself because I'm afraid of what the damage might be.
I'm trying to figure out the problem here. Well, maybe not the problem, but what's going on. I fear what the numbers on the scale are going to be. Everytime I eat something I have that fear. I'm usually okay when I am home, because I am weighing myself more frequently, but when I am away and am eating I have no way of knowing what I can and can't eat. If that makes any sense. I can't really explain it. I know what I mean in my head, but that's about it.
I guess I fear food. An inanimate objects the provides us with life, vitamins, and nutrients...and I'm scared of it. WTF?? It's not like it's going to jump up and bite me or something. It's just the opposite.
I don't really have any answers. I know I should probably just get rid of my scale, but I can't do that. It's my safety blanket, if that makes any sense. Yet it also causes me such angst, anger, fear, and unhappiness.
What the hell am I doing? This numbers game that I play. What does it mean? Does it really matter in the end? (maybe long run would be a better way of stating that.) Why do I want to be so skinny?? Will I ever be happy with the way I look?
Saturday, June 10, 2006
I have several blisters on my feet and I think I might lose a toenail do to it being kicked or stepped on by my partner. But you know what, it was totally worth it. I had such a blast!! Not many people showed up. There were about 80 people in the two sessions and probably about 12 showed up. Kind of sad. Regardless, we had a blast and I wore my prom dress!! I joked around saying that I was going to wear it, so I did!!
I came straight home afterwards because I had to get up and teach a class at 7 AM. So, I taught class and then preceded to not do any cardio, which was SO hard for me because I feel weird if I go to the gym and only workout for an hour, especially if I don't do any cardio. The class I taught was a weight class.
My legs were tired from all that dancing last night, but that's not why I didn't do cardio. I am running 11 miles tomorrow so I thought I should give my legs a little rest. So, today was my day off, or rest, if you will. Tomorrow...I'm pounding the pavement and then I'll probably have to ice my knee for the next few days, but it's all good.
Now let's talk about how I have to be even more careful about what I eat today because I didn't burn any calories at the gym. (okay, so I did like 15 minutes on the bike but that so does NOT count. Does not count one bit!) I don't know. I usually burn 500-600 calories working out, if not more, and today I only burned 200. It freaks me out to think of that. I guess it's not worth talking about.
I wish I knew if I really had an exercise addiction. I look at the signs and symptoms and I have most of them, but then again, I don't really feel like working out 2 hours a day is that excessive. It seems pretty normal.
Yes, I do freak out if I can't workout.
I workout when I am sick or injured.
I workout to burn calories
I need to burn a certain amount of calories in order to "count"
I rarely take a day off, if I am unable to workout, I get anxious.
I plan my day/nights around my workouts
I guess that says something. Sometimes I think I have a problem and sometimes I don't. I just don't know. It's that way with my whole food issue. Sometimes I take a look at my (inner) self and think that what I am doing is messed up, especially when I take those ED tests. Most of the time, however, I think, I'm not stick thin and I do eat...I don't have a problem. I just don't know.
Friday, June 09, 2006
Thursday, June 08, 2006
I could totally go to sleep right now and be content with that. I'm so glad tomorrow's Friday. Woo hoo!
I was lying in bed last night and I started thinking about how I should probably take a day off from working out every once in a while. I think my exact thought was, What am I doing to my body? I don't even remember the last day I didn't go to the gym. I know it was sometime in April because I was in New York City overnight and had about 3 hours of sleep, and by the time I got home at 5 PM, the last thing I wanted to do was go workout. I could barely even speak I was so tired.
As a fitness instructor, I know the importance of giving your body time to recover. Muscles needs a break in order to rebuild themselves and make for more efficient workouts. However, as an obsessive person, I can't take a day off.
Wow, Jo Dee Messina (country singer) is wearing this midriff baring shirt and her abs look good. I'm jealous!
Speaking of abs, I took a picture of myself the other day, with the thoughts of posting it and writing about it but I think I've nixed that idea. Even though you don't know who I am, the thought of baring myself on her is a little frightening. It's kind of bizarre though, since I have no problem going to the beach in my bikini. (I'm also an obsessive tanner, aka "tanorexic.") Looking at the pictures made me go "ewww," that's why they're not up here.
So, here's a funny story. I went karaoking the other night. This man we'll call Frank, mainly because that's his name and I'm sure he's not reading this, took out his teeth everytime he sang. Yes, I said took out his teeth. So I was sitting there, when all of a sudden a brown liquid landed on my hand. I looked around to see if someone around me was drinking something brown. Nope! I looked up at the ceiling to see if something was dripping. Nope! I looked at my friend K, she grabbed a napkin, wiped off my hand and said "I think it was tobacco spit!" Um....GROOOOSSS!!! I wanted to puke, a habit which I never really developed that well. (Yes, I know that's a good thing.) It was so nasty though. Needless to say I went right to the bathroom to scrub my hand for a while.
That's about it. My nephews have left my house and it is now very quite. Hence, I'm writing this pointless blog.
At what point in your life does your mother stop telling you to "make sure you wear clean underwear" when you go to the doctor?? I mean, come on now mom, do you really think I'm wearing dirty underwear?
I almost responded with "I'm not wearing any underwear." That would have shut her up.
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
I could feel the anxiety as a result of my lack of accomplishment this morning. I only burned 296 calories! What?? I didn't even get to 300. I ended up on a non-even number. What's up with that. Let me jump up and down for a minute until my heart rate monitor hits 300.
Thinking about the fact that I didn't burn over 500 calories is making me very anxious. I should burn atleast 300 tonight, which would get me up to 600 for the day. Okay, not great, but okay. Afterall, I only burned 800 calories when I ran 11.5 miles. What's up with that? That was disappointing.
So now my day is kind of, I don't know, incomplete. I'll have to get sweaty again and take another shower, which is so annoying. I need to do some serious laundry, so hopefully the guy will be able to fix our washing machine today; it's been broken since Saturday. Ugh!
So that's that. I need to try and relax a little bit here. I need a massage. I have the biggest knot in my back. Yuckers!
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
I was in NYC a few weeks ago and the first thing I had to do when I got home was weigh myself. That's actually the first thing I do when I get home from mostly anywhere, especially if I am away for a long time. It's usually because I've had to go out and eat a "real" meal, which I am sometimes okay with, but lately it's been freaking me out a little more.
I do eat Italian food, and that's usually when I feel most uncomfortable. (I don't know where I'm going with this.) I just feel like I've eaten way too much and like I've gained 100 pounds, and I get very anxious until I can go weigh myself, which either calms me down a little (if I didn't gain 100 lbs) or makes me freak out because I did put on a few pounds. (Yes, they usually come off by the next day because it's not "real" weight, but I still freak).
Vacations are usually pretty hard for me because most of the time there isn't a scale around. I went to Florida in March and stayed at my Uncle's. Thankfully he had a scale in his place, but I did have a full day where I went without weighing myself. (If you care to find out why, you can check it out in the March post). I was actually somewhat okay with it and didn't give not weighing myself a thought. Probably because I was on the beach all day, had worked out, and hadn't been eating much.
Going on a seven day cruise completely freaked my out, but in the end, I was okay. I didn't gain a single pound, which completely amazed me, but that's another post. I'll write about that experience later.
I can't keep my eyes open so I am going to bed.
Mom- "which one do you look like?"
Me- "I don't know. None of them. Which one do you think I look like?"
Mom- "This one."
Me- That's the girl with the 6-pack."
Actually, the girl she picked, and I can't even remember who it was, had the "thickest" abs of all, so it actually did suit me. I wanted the skinny ones, but hey, I'm working on it.
Monday, June 05, 2006
One might wonder what I accomplish by obsessing and weighing myself constantly. I guess it helps me figure out what I can or can't eat. All you psychological minded people out there are thinking, hmm a control issue, right? I guess in some way it is a control issue...a way of controlling what I "can" or "can't" eat. One again you're thinking, No, it's deeper than that! Do I know the way people think or what?? ;)
So, that's the final countdown. I could probably keep babbling, but I don't feel like it so I won't. :)
It's 1:55 PM and I've already weighed myself 7 times today. I've been up since 6:30 AM, went to the gym and now I am home working. Granted, if I was in the office I would not have the capability to weigh myself so frequently, unless of course I brought my scale to work, but that might look a little odd and set off some red flags.
So I'm heading out in a about an hour. I've got some stuff to do, then I will come home for dinner and then go to my dance class.
I'll be back with a final count before I go to bed.
Sunday, June 04, 2006
Was that 7 or eight?
Clearly not a long conversation, but I can never remember what number I am on. I know I definetely hit the double digit mark. Hmm, maybe I should blog everytime I weigh myself. Nah, there's not enough time in the day for that. HA!
Here's what I had:
cooked carrots (probably equal to 1 full carrot)
a small roll
corn on the cob
2 egg whites
Blah!! I know feel really gross and I weigh 2,000 pounds. Funny I only weigh 2-thousand after gaining 8-thousand. I was going to forgo the egg whites but I hadn't had any protein all day so I felt like I needed it. I don't know why I felt like I needed to have it. Not like I'm going to die if I don't eat protein one day.
Okay, I have to go burn off some energy and hopefully some calories now. It's all a big freaking numbers game with me!!
Saturday, June 03, 2006
I finally sat down to watch Katie Couric's last day on the Today Show. I am more of a Good Morning America girl, but I love "historical" shows such as that. It's always fun to take a look back at those type of shows because you know they are going to show some pretty funny stuff. Plus, Martina McBride was on so I had to DVR it anyway.
It was actually pretty emotional to watch. There were a lot of laughs, but also some tears. Katie touched many peoples' lives during her 15 years on Today, some of which they looked back on. It also kind of got me missing my days working on a morning show. (I worked the morning show at my local tv station for almost two years). It's a lot of crazy hours, crazy people, and craziness. There's a lot to say for the bonds that your form with the little group of people you work with at 2 in the morning. People definitely see you at your worst. There are also a lot of nice little perks too.
I actually loathed my job at the station, so much so that I tried to break my hand so I wouldn't have to go to work. (I wouldn't have been able to type.) I was miserable there!! Miserable with a capital M! I HATED IT!!
However, watching "Today" made me kind of miss it a little. Now I really know I need some therapy. Help!!! What has gotten into me?? Maybe I still have some head trauma from my concussion.
Seriously, as much as I hate the media, they do play an important roll in this world. I can't stand the way the blow everything out of proportion, hurry on the air with incorrect information so they can beat the competition, and care soley about the ratings. Ratings Schmatings!! The media does capture a lot of intensity in so many situations that can't be found anywhere else. Eh, so I kinda do appreciate what they do.
I really don't know what's gotten into me. Ahhh!
I took a cycling class this morning. I just did not feel like being a hamster on a wheel on those cardio machines today. I think cycling is a good workout but I have this fear that it's going to make my legs bigger, so I tend not to do it too often. Actually, I fear that everything is going to make my legs bigger. One might say I'm a little obsessed. Ha!
I had this passing idea of taking a picture of myself in a bikini and putting it on here, then I saw myself and decided that I would NOT be doing that. Although, it would be a good way to make me want to throw up all the time. Hmm.
Now I sit here listening to some 80's tunes. Right now, "Eternal Flame," by the Bangles. My cat is sitting on the table next to me.
I tried on my prom dress today. We are having a dance for my ballroom dance class on Friday so I figured I'd wear it, kind of as a joke. The dress still fits, however I still think it makes me look like the biggest pear in the world. It's a short red holter top dress, kind of like something Marilyn Monroe would wear, so it puffs out a little at the hips. I think it's chiffon. (I don't know if that's how you spell it.) Whatever, so I'll look like a fatass, what else is new??
I'm going out with some friends tonight for a little karaoke, but I'm skipping out on the pre-singing meal. I don't really feel like going out to eat. Besides, that would screw with my whole numbers game. I've never avoided social events because food was involved, but I think I have started to do that some. I know that's a problem, but I clearly have a problem. I just get so mad because I figure that I go through all this shit everyday and have yet to get the look I desire. So basically, it's a waste of a struggle because I am not a stick. One would think that after 14 years I'd either be skinny or fed up with this lifestyle.
I finished my protein shake and am now drinking decaf citris green tea. It's quite tasty. I guess I will wrap this up. I may write more later since I am bored.
Friday, June 02, 2006
I AM...extremely funny, caring, nice (most of the time), outgoing, loving, one hell of an aunt, a pretty good daughter and sister (I think?), and a good friend. I always do what I say I am going to do because I HATE when people don't follow through on things or blow me off. That pisses me off!! I love to sing and am going to be a famous country singer someday (that is me saying my positive affirmation in hopes that it may come true).
I hate when people don't use their blinkers when they are turning and I hate when people are late. Those are my big pet peeves.
I don't really know what else to say. That is me in a nutshell.
Physically, I'm 5'1" (almost) and weigh between 102-104 pounds, but you know where I want to go with that. I am an athlete, therefore have an athletic build. (I'd rather have a dancer's body and be about 5'9"). That's about it.
it offers after dark,
a pause for rest,
a rest for paws,
a place to warm my bark.
I don't know why I remember that poem from my English class junior year in high school, but I do.
So, these are my two "children." My little girl taking a sip of water, and my little boy posing for the camera.
I woke up yesterday morning to a little catastrophe. (Literally) I went downstairs and into my kitchen to find blood everywhere and bloody paw prints to go with it. My first thought was that he had picked on her again and beat her up. Then, I was worried that it was coming from the inside of one of them, but it wasn't.
My little boy had cut his back paw somehow and it was all bloody. Poor guy. He did a good job at cleaning it up and is feeling much better. Actually, I don't really think it even bothered him.
Thursday, June 01, 2006
So I went to bed last night questioning WHY I want to weigh 92 or 94 pounds. (I'll take 94 lbs). It's not going to make a difference in who I am as a person. I'm not going to be more successful (or plain old successful for that matter). I won't get more dates. (Hmm, I think you need a date in order to get more dates.) I won't become rich. I may be happier, but who's to say. I think I will be happier, but I don't really know. My assumption is that I would get to that weight and still see myself as being fat and disgusting and restrict myself even more than I all ready do in order to maintain that weight or decrease it. Afterall, if I can't see myself "accurately" now, how would I 10 lbs from now?
I want my bones to stick out, but I can't tell you why? Well, I could if I knew why, but I don't so I can't. Maybe it all has something to do with the fact that everyone treats me like a kid because I am "small." I don't know. That's a whole other post I've been meaning to write.
Ironically enough, the question I asked myself was posed to me this morning by a fellow blogger, whose blog I have a link to on my site. (Check it out, it's totally worth reading. Every woman has an eating disorder). So, I don't really have an answer. I know I want to be skinny more than anything else, but I don't know why. I think it will make me feel better about myself, but in the end, I could end up feeling sick and like crap. Who knows. I know I will never get myself to a point where I need to be put in a hospital. That I know!! I've had too many friends that have been there, done that. NOT ME!! I would never be "bad" enough for that any way. I don't even fall into any ed category, so it's not even an issue. Granted my eating and exercising habits are not "normal" but I am by no means anorexic or bulimic. Maybe I'd fall into the ednos category. Oh, I am so totally just babbling right now.
I don't know what the hell I'm talking about. I guess I will go to bed.
I had to have some blood work done today. I've only had blood drawn from me two other times in my life, and that was to test for mono. This was a little more extensive, testing me for a genetic blood clotting disease that my brother recently found out he has.
So, I went and had six viles of blood taken from me. My arm felt almost like it was dead after...a very strange feeling.
Here's the weirdest part; who knew blood weighed so much? I came home and weighed myself and found that I had lost weight. Not a large amount. Less than a pound, but it's still pretty cool. I just thought that was kind of funny.
Oh wait, I just had a realization...that won't change my body composition at all so I guess the fact that I "lost" half a pound is really pointless. Therefore, this post is pointless but I will publish it anyway.