Wednesday, May 31, 2006
This is the email she sent:
"The true question to ask yourself here is, “Why do you want to loose 10lbs?” In answering that question, therein lies the answer to what you really desire which is underneath the surface of what you think it’s really about “losing 10lbs.” Think about it."
Now, I've often pondered that question myself and had no success finding an answer.
Granted, my friend Y doesn't not know my obsessive behaviors and thoughts to know that my desire to lose weight may lie deeper than what it is.
I still don't know what the answer is to that question. Can't it just be as simple as: I hate the way I look and am too fat and need to lose ten pounds so I can weigh 92-94 lbs? I think that's pretty much what it boils down to. I just want to be skinny.
Okay, to be perfectly honest, people tell me I have a great body and that I am skinny, (I shutter at the thought of me even typing that), but I see what's really there. They can't see the fat rolls and the numbers on the scale. I know muscle weighs more than fat, but come on now, I just want that number to be lower, regardless of whether it's muscle or fat. Although, I guess I'd rather have it be muscle. Looks better and burns more calories that way.
I guess it's something to ponder.
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
I think I've become a little more obsessed with my desire/need to lose weight. Although, this morning when I was at the gym I absolutely felt like doing nothing. My body was barely moving and I just did not want to be there. I said to myself, I don't even care how many calories I burn today. I just have to move my body and get something out of it. It wasn't a satisfactory workout, to say the least, but I just didn't have the energy to care.
However, all I ever think about is my weight and how fat I am, and how I have to workout and burn "X" amount of calories and workout for a certain amount of time, and what I can or can't eat. It's way too consuming and I know it prevents me from doing and accomplishing other things in my life, but there's nothing I want more than to be stick thin and weight 94 pounds.
It used to be that doing an hour of cardio was good enough, now anything less than 90 minutes is unsatisfactory. What if I get to a point where 3 hours of cardio is not enough?? I don't think 90 minutes is excessive at all. It's what I have to do. Obviously it's not working though because I keep getting fatter. Maybe I just don't want it enough. I haven't resorted to completely starving myself. I'm clearly a bad anorexic. Who knows, maybe I fall into the exercise bulimic category. It doesn't really matter what category I am in because none of them are working for me and I am still fat.
I'm done complaining about that for now. I just spoke to my friend and she told me that she has to put her dog to sleep tomorrow. Very sad. She has four, but this one was my absolute favorite. She was like a big polar bear. So loving and cute. I go over and take care of them a lot. I had to go over today and it was very strange to see just the three goldens.
Monday, May 29, 2006
I'm actually pretty tired so I am going to go to sleep fairly soon. I've been out the past 12 nights. Wow, for someone who never goes out, that's a major record.
I think I've decided that I am just going to do push-ups everyday rather than lift weights. Afterall, it's the single most effective exercise one can do; and by using my own body weight I can't put on too much mass. I just want to be seriously toned and have no body fat. Is that too much to ask for? Ha!
(I'm just downloaded some songs from the Brady kids. Pretty funny stuff. Sunshine Day!!)
I really just can't stand the way I look and my fatness. I don't know how others don't see it because it's clearly there. Yuckers.
Note to self...order more protein shakes.
So the three day weekend has come to an end. I actually slept in...7:40 AM. Woo hoo!! Back to waking up at 6:15 tomorrow so I can get my fatass to the gym by 7 AM, then it's off to work. I like the not working thing much better. ;)
Ah, I am getting a whiff of laundry as I sit here with the windows open, listening to the frogs croak. I LOVE summer!!!
Sunday, May 28, 2006
So, we sat down to eat around 7:45. I usually eat dinner at 5 pm so that was late for me. It wasn't even the main course. We had homeade gorgonzola cheese ravioli with walnuts in them. N is an unbelievable cook! The whole time I was thinking about how much fat was in those ravioli and was trying to squeeze the cheese out of them without anyone seeing me. They really were awesome though.
Then we rested until it was time for the homeade caesar salad, complete with homeade croutons. Okay, I do NOT eat anything from the sea and this dressing had anchovies in it. Ugh. She took them out before she served us, but still, that completely skeeves me. I couldn't be rude, so I had to eat it. More fat...and fish to top it off.
We rested again...
Then came the chicken cordon bleu, which I used to love growing up, with some kind of cherry tomato and arugala topping, grilled zucchini, potatoes au gratin, and homeade bread.
I had forced the salad down, because I was so full all ready, and told her to not even make me a plate for dinner because I couldn't eat anymore. I ended up getting a plate, just to try everything, and she wrapped the rest for me to bring home.
I felt so uncomfortable the whole night, both physically and mentally because I felt like I had to eat all of this stuff that I didn't want to eat. Again, I can't stress how good of a cook she is. All I kept thinking was fat, fat, fat and was afraid of what the damage was going to be.
The first thing I did when I got home was weigh myself, of course. I was kind of in freak out mode all night.
This morning I got up and went to the gym. The numbers on the scale weren't as bad as I thought they'd be. I ran and then went for a walk outside. My knee hurts, but such is life.
I have to head to a picnic later, where there will be tons more food. Atleast I won't be sitting at an intimate setting where the food is being served to me. This time, I don't have to eat if I don't want to.
Saturday, May 27, 2006
Oh wait, it gets better. To top it all off, the woman cooking the food is a psychologist, and they never read into things. Then, my good friend H, who is like a mother to me, is 5'10", has the perfect body, and is a personal trainer...and she knows/thinks I have an "eating disorder," so eating around her is always stressful anyway. I just have a funfilled evening ahead of me. Can't wait to step on the scale tonight.
Thursday, May 25, 2006
I've been partaking in a local karaoke idol contest over the past several weeks. It's been fun, but I'm glad it's over.
Last night was the finals, ironically enough it fell on the same night as the American Idol finals, which I have DVRed and will watch later. I was in the top three. We each got to choose a song, the the other two contestants picked a song for me, and vice versa, then we spun a wheel for the third song. The other two chose "Hound Dog" for me, which I had a lot of fun with. I was a little nervous as to what they would pick since I really only know country and 80's music. When I spun the wheel I got Britney Spears' "Hit me baby one more time," which I managed to botch up a bit, but it was pretty funny. I went with "I dropped my baby" instead of "hit me baby."
I am glad the guy that won, won. He was so fun to watch and could sing too. The girl we were up against was very annoying. She took the competition way too seriously. I was in it for the fun of it, as was C, the guy who won. Not that winning wouldn't have been nice, but she was way too serious for me.
Anyway, I lost and am very exhausted from the 4 hours of sleep I got last night. It's less than half of what I usually get.
My legs were also shot too. I ran and taught a class yesterday, and they were tired then. So, my gym experience today was not much of a success. Oh well. I'm hoping for another big run this weekend.
Right now I am half asleep, so pardon the typos.
Back to work!
Monday, May 22, 2006
I was so ready to make myself throw up tonight, but I had to leave for my dance class and didn't have time. I am just so frustrated with being fat. Why the hell can't I just lose 10 lbs?? I just want to be 92-94 pounds. Is that so much to ask for?
According to the seminar I went to back in March, your mind controls everything and every negative thought I have about myself is not a good thing (Obvi). I just don't feel like I can "think myself thinner." Instead of telling myself how fat and ugly and disgusting I am, I'm supposed to be saying how thin and beautiful I am. I just can't do it.
I'm fat. I have rolls everywhere and I keep gaining weight. WTF??!!
I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I don't care how much I have to starve myself, or how long I have to workout, even if my knee is falling off. I need/desire to be skinny.
If this were my affirmation, which it is, I would say I choose to be 92 pounds. Or, I accept that I am 92 pounds. Well...now would be nice!!
Serious starvation and working out starts...NOW. (or 3 hours ago)
Sunday, May 21, 2006
I haven't run much since my concussion 2 weeks ago, so I was a little nervous. The run turned out to be fine, but my knee isn't thanking me too much. I'm sitting here with ice on it now.
I should be happy with my run...and don't get me wrong, I feel a small sense of accomplishment for having run that far, but I ONLY burned 800 calories. I actually contemplated going to the gym after and working out because I thought I should have burned much more than that. So, I'm kind of bummed about that. I should be happy because I ran so far, but all I can think is I only burned 800 calories. Ugh.
So, I think I will do the run again next weekend with the two people I ran with today. The woman, who has an amazing body, thinks she's gross/fat/disgusting. I just don't get it. I don't know how she can't see that she anyone would kill to look like she does. I wish I could make her see that, but I guess that people can't make me see that about myself either. I'll never be happy with the way I look. I want to be skinny, toned and...
Thursday, May 18, 2006
So this morning I got to the gym a little later than usual because I went out last night and got home late. So, I only did an hour of cardio and only burned 390 calories. Clearly, that's NOT enough!! Doing only an hour of cardio is not sufficient either!! Therefore, I must go back. I'd actually rather do something outside, like rollerblading or running, since it's so nice out, but I can't do that by myself. That's too boring. I have to go back to the gym tonight for my ballroom dance class anyway, so I might as well just workout again. Come on, 390 calories?? That's so NOT enough!!
There is this little part of my brain that is trying to convince me to just forget about the lack of physical activity done this morning and saying eh, just make up for it tomorrow, but I don't think I can do that. I am fat! I feel fat, and I have fat rolls all over my body, protruding out of my sides and it makes me want to vomit. The funny thing is, when I got off the machine this morning a lady said to me "you're finally done?" I felt like saying, "Not really. If my boss wasn't right next to me I'd stay here for another hour!!" Blah.
So that's it. I now sit here drinking my decaf green tea feeling like this. (minus the donuts)
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
I know much of my posts sound the same...Me complaining about how fat I am and how gross I feel and how I need to lose 10 pounds, but this is my only place to really vent. Right now I would just like to chop off my stomach and never eat again. The not having to eat part will happen when I finally get my own place, and hopefully that will be sooner rather than later.
Right now I just feel like making myself throw up and I haven't even eating anything (in the past few hours) but a little bread. Oooh, bread...all those Atkins people are now quivering in despair.
I just hate this. I hate being fat and feeling fat and hating the way I look. I just want to be stick thin. I want my bones to stick out. Yes, stick out!! My clavicles, my ribs, my hip bones...
On another note, I ran for the first time today and almost two weeks. I went slower than I would have liked and only went 5 miles. My head started hurting on about mile 4 but whatever. I am going on an 11 mile run on Sunday, which should be interesting since I've never run more than 8 before. Oh well.
I also had a freckle removed from my back today because it looked "suspicious." So much for being tanorexic.
I finally went to the doctor after getting a concussion a week and a half ago. Turns out I'm "okay," which I suspected all along but didn't want to mess around with my delicate brain.
The doctor and I had a funny little conversation...
Dr. - "Has anyone told you you've been acting strange?"
Dr. - "Okay, has anyone told you you've been acting strange since you hit your head?"
A much better way of phrasing the question since I've always acted strange.
So, while I may have a few loose screws in my nogin, head injury-wise, I'm okay.
Monday, May 15, 2006
I didn't really think that "tanorexia" was a real term until I read it in a magazine. I found it to be pretty humorous myself, considering the fact that I am obsessed with the sun and laying out...therefore "tanorexic." You know what they say "you can never be too rich or too tan" (too thin is in there too, of course!
Strangely enough, I have never "faked and baked" (aka been in a tanning bed) in my life. I am known to lay out in the dead of winter, in my bikini, when there is snow in the ground. Maybe a little nuts, but the sun can feel pretty good at 45 degrees after 10 degree weather. Besides, my house blocks the wind and the sun reflects off of it too.
However, my days of tanning may be over. I was bending over today and my sister saw a "strange looking freckle" on my back. She thought it was a tick at first. She said, "you need to go get that looked at, like soon." So, that freaked me out a little. I know the sun is bad, but it feels oh so good! I also don't want to look 85 by the time I'm 40, but I can't help it. Needless to say, I will be calling the dermatologist on Monday. I need to go anyway because I have dry, red itchy patches on my skin (Lovely!), and I get hives occasionally. So that's that.
I originally posted this on my "new/old" blog but felt like I needed to repost it on here since Good Morning America did a big story on "tanorexia" this weekend.
(photo-Magda in "Something About Mary")
I have absolutely NO problem making a fool out of myself in public if I am having a good time. For example, me trying to do the cardio striptease class over the weekend in front of hundreds of people. I could have cared less that I looked like and idiot trying to move in such ways. Why?...because I was having FUN!! Besides, it would be so selfish of me to think that the people around me actually cared what I looked like too. Hey, I got a good laugh out of myself so I'm okay if they did too.
To me, having fun is really all that matters. If I'm having a good time I could care less what other people think of me. Actually, I usually do not give a flying hoot what others think of me, in that fashion. I know I can't dance that well, unless properly instructed, but I have a freaking ball doing it. So there!
This is what I find bizarre. I am so outgoing and carefree when I am out having a good time and just being my crazy ole self, yet I am so obsessed with how I look. Not in the I need to have my hair perfectly couffed and be in full make-up (I rarely wear make-up) before I can leave my house look, but the I need to have the "perfect body" look.
What even is the "pefect body?" For me it is being completely toned and well...perfect, like clothes on a hanger...and skinny!! But enough about that.
I just find it very odd that I don't care what I "look" like, yet I care so much, and spend so much time and effort on what I "LOOK" like.
That was hard to explain.
Sunday, May 14, 2006
My day started out a little different yesterday. Instead of lacing up my sneakers and heading to the gym I laced up my sneakers and headed to New York City for Self Magazine's "Workout in the Park."
I hopped off the train and walked to Central Park to meet my friend M. I had 30 minutes to get there and just over 30 blocks to walk. I made it on time and we proceeded to the turf grass where we'd spend the next four hours sweating up a storm with hundreds of others.
Once we got passed the chaotic line to get into the event, the day was perfect! The sun came out and there wasn't a cloud in the sky the entire day. M and I were front and center for all the workouts. We had a complete BLAST!!
We started the morning off with this Indian hip-hop dance class called "hip hop Bhangra." Probably the best class of the day. Totally got my heartrate up, burned tons of calories and had such a good time. Afterall, working out is supposed to be FUN, right!!?? (something I don't really experience with my workouts every day). We took few other classes not worth mentioning, then headed over to the "boxing ring" to do "Cardio Capoeira," a Brazilian martial arts class. I liked it, but couldn't really get a grasp of what it was all about because I couldn't see the instructor and it was too crowded to actually move too much. I particularly enjoyed the cartwheels we got to do and the words the instructor called out. "Jenga!" "Eskeeva!!" We also got to sing this little song and do a little clapping thing at the end, which to me, was more challenging than the workout itself. ;)
After that was "Ballroom Blitz," "Crump & Clownin," and "Cardio Striptease." Okay, so I was okay with the ballroom class thanks to my 5 weeks of ballroom dancing lessons. "Crump & Clowning," now that was a different story. Tons of pelvic type movements at mock speed and other moves which require you to be able to move like a "wet noodle" (as my former gymnastics teacher used to say).
We finished the day by doing a little striptease...we did however keep our clothes on! This was another class that I didn't really excel in. It was pretty fun, and funny, to say the least. I did learned how to slap my ass like a pro though.
So, we worked out, collected some serious freebies from the various sponsors, and got a little dehydrated...and a little sunburned.
I am SO going back next year, however I will be prepared and have lots of water with me. The emcee kept telling everyone to hydrate, but they offered no water. No pure, flavorless, sugarless, bubbleless, chemical free water. Just Propel, Crystal Light, and Fresca. Okay, since when does soda help hydrate you?? Hmmm, I don't think so.
So four hours of working out and we were done. M and I headed out of the park, but not before making a little pitstop to a welcoming patch of grass and shedding our feet of our stinky shoes and socks.
Then it was off to grab some lunch and eat in the park. Afterall, we needed to fill our bellies after all that working out.
It was a fantastic day. The weather was perfect and we had an absolutely blast!! I also burned a whopping one thousand calories. My only fear...my ass will appear in next month's issue of "Self."
Friday, May 12, 2006
I'm a little over 5 feet tall and between 102-104 pounds. I'm athletic. I played two division 1 sports in college. I got my masters degree and played club ice hockey. I also worked while doing all of those things. Needless to say, I like to keep busy.
I guess the biggest battle I face is that of my weight and the way I look. Basically, I can't stand either of them. I think I am fat and want to weigh 92-94 pounds. I get disgusted when I look in the mirror and see all the fat on my body. When I'm working out, I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and see how big my ass is or how huge my arms or thighs are.
There is this little anorexic girl who I see at the gym every morning. Part of me feels very sorry for her and realizes the struggle she faces everyday, and how she must be so unhappy. The other part of me wants to befriend her so I could do as she does.
I saw her in the grocery store once. I got nervous, as I'm sure she probably felt a little uncomfortable, and felt like she was looking at me like a fat pig. Why??...because I had bagged lettuce, rice cakes, and diet green tea in my cart. How does that make me a pig? She had nothing in her hands, but did eventually make her way over to the dairy section and picked up two yogurts. The grocery store must be like a prison cell for her.
I spend every day at the gym. If I'm lucky, I can do about two hours of cardio. Unfortunately, my stupid concussion has prevented me from going all out this week. I haven't been able to run, just ride the bike and do the elliptical. I can't wait until I can start running, even though I don't enjoy it, so I can get a big calorie blasting sweat going.
It seems to take a lot more work for me to burn calories these days, which is highly frustrating. Not burning enough leads to a feeling of failure. Not so much failure, I guess, but a lack of accomplishment.
Then comes the "what can I eat today" question and thoughts. That's preceded and followed by the constant weighing myself. I get on and off that scale so many times in a day I'm surprised I haven't worn a hole in that part of my floor. One day I want some satisfaction out of that number on that thing!!
That's some of what I am about. Of course there's more to me than that. I'm outgoing, fun, funny, loving, caring, and a good friend. (At least I think I am)
If you grew up in the 80's you can probably finish that song from the hit tv show "Growing Pains." Come on, who can forget Mike "the Seav" Seaver??
When I found out G-Pains was on on DVD, I of course had to order my copy. So, I got Season one last week and watched a little bit of it. I was SO excited, to say the least.
Right now I am watching E's "True Hollywood Story, " which I just happened to stumble upon, and it's all about Growing Pains. Woo Hoo!! Have I mentioned that I love that show?!
Here's a little G-Pains trivia for ya. Tracey Gold was not originally cast to play the roll of Carol Seaver. They re-cast the part after the pilot was taped and brought Tracey in to play Carol. Some other chick was cast but clearly, she didn't work out.
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Now I need to go out when I really just want to go to bed. Bonking your head really knocks a lot of out you, no pun intended. Too bad it didn't knock off 10 fucking pounds!!!!
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
It's raining...again, and will rain until next Tuesday, according to the "weatherman." Of course we know he's never right. Hopefully he's wrong this time.
My plan to run didn't happen this morning. I did manage to do 110 minutes of cardio. It wasn't good enough because all but 45 minutes of that was spent on the bike. Everyone knows the bike is a crappy calorie burner, but after 45 minutes on the elliptical, my head started getting a little shaken up. I guess I should just be happy that I did cardio at all. Unfortunately, it's never good enough. It won't be until I am 92 lbs.
I guess I'll just keep plugging away and working at it.