Thursday, March 30, 2006

Half asleep, but writing anyway

It's a little after 9 on Thursday night. I had all intentions of writing a nice, long post, but I can barely keep my eyes open. My cat is meowing at me, trying to get me to go upstairs. She will get her way very shortly.

Uh, I just remembered that I left my bedroom window open, which means it's going to be a little chilly when I go up to my room. Oh well.

I've been in kind of a "blah" mood all week. I think I am just realizing a lot of shit about myself that I don't want to realize. For example, I'm annoying and I don't really know why anyone would want to hang out with me. Hmm, come to think of it, maybe that's why I have cats. They love me unconditionally. They don't care if I'm a loser because I feed them, pet them and play with them. Eh, I don't feel like writing anymore. I'm going to bed!

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

So predictable

As I expected, today has started just as I thought it would. The first thing in the morning, post-pee, step on the scale was not a good one. I knew it wouldn't be. So, while it's not a shock, it's still a disappointment. I guess disappointment would be the wrong word. More like, it caused anger and frustration. Now today, I have to spend the whole day trying to get back on track. It's the vicious cycle that I face everyday. There's no one to blame but myself for it.

My workouts have sucked lately too. It seems like I am at the gym forever, but only burn 500, sometimes 650 calories. I feel like it's getting harder for me to burn the same amount of calories I used to. Granted I do rely on my heartrate monitor to tell me how many calories I've burned. Who knows if that's even accurate, but it's more accurate than the machines. I've become so dependent on that damn watch that I can't workout with out it. If I forget to wear it, my workout is shot. Void!

So today, I'll drink tons of tea and water, eat my fruits and veggies, and see what happens. Let's hope for the best. Ciao!

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Fat Tuesday...and Wednesday...and Thursday...etc.

I sometimes wonder why I let the scale decide my life for me. Every day, or many times per day I should say, I step on my beautiful, little, clear scale with a pretty blue light, waiting for it to flash the "magic numbers." If it show numbers that I like, then it's a good day...or it's a good day until I step on it again and the numbers go up.

Tonight, it's not a good night. Although, I don't need the scale to tell me that I need to lose weight. I can see and feel that I am fat. So what next? I can sit here and obsess about it, which I tend to do anyway, or just think about tomorrow and how I will "make up" for it by not eating much, which I will also do.

There's always that anxious moment, first thing in the morning when you can't wait to get out of bed and hop on that scale. On the other hand, there's also that fear of not wanting to know what the number is going to be. It's either relief or disgust. Relief is always better. I guess we'll just have to wait until the morning to see what kind of day it will be. Will it be a "work hard and get back on track day?" (I already know the answer to that) Or will it be a "just remain in control day?" I'd rather have the "control" day, but looks like tomorrow will be a "work hard" day.

Monday, March 27, 2006

Cut short

I'd like to post something worthwhile tonight (wouldn't that be a first), but I cut the tip of my finger, right through my nail with a knife. So, everytime I hit the tip of it, the nail lifts up, which feels oh so lovely. So, I am typing without my index finger. Atleast it is still attached!! It's not that bad, just sliced it in the wrong spot.

Saturday, March 25, 2006

Just another weekend

It's been kind of a rough weekend so far. It all started last night when I went to go look at a condo. I fell in love with it. There's just one minor problem...I can't afford it. I shouldn't have even gone to look at it, I guess, but I had to. Maybe I just like to set myself up for disappointment. I'm not sure. So, I spent the rest of the night depressed, which lead me to cleaning out my desk draws in my room. Not such a bad thing, I guess.

This morning was my typical Saturday morning. I woke up and went to the gym for a few hours, did some errands, then came home. I had a tiny bit of an incident when I came home, which I thought I was going to write about, but I don't really think I'm ready for that. Maybe later. Besides, a few of my friends (and you know who you are) might actually read this, so keeping this to myself is probably a better option. My friend M would say that "it is out of shame" that I keep this to myself. She's absolutely correct on that one. So, if either of the two people I gave this link to read this, I guess that gives you permission to question me. If you don't know me, you're probably pissed off because you have no idea what I'm talking about.
Moving on, that "incident" kind of put even more of a damper on my day.
So last weekend I spent three days in a workshop trying to "find myself." I wasn't sure about this whole "Creating Success" workshop and actually almost walked out the first night before it even started because I was so out of my element. I'm so happy I didn't. I learned so much and felt so many different emotions during those three days. Overwhelmed and confused probably were the biggest!
I'm still not really sure how to explain the whole experience. What I do know is that it was well worth the time and money I spent on it. I have my friend M to thank for that. She's the one that told me about it and essentially got me there.
I'm still trying to sort out everything that I took in during those 20 hours. If you want to find out more about the workshop, check it out.
So, that's it. I'm sure I'll have more to write about my experience last weekend, as some point and time. This post is a little annoying and confusing, I'm sure. Almost like when some one says "Guess what? Oh, never mind. I'm not allowed to tell you." So, sorry guys. I'm just not mentally ready to go with what I was planning on writing when I started this. Maybe next time.

Friday, March 24, 2006

The aching body

I've been trying to get comfortable all morning, but my lower back in is a little bit of pain today. I'm sure running 6 miles on the treadmill didn't help. I did, however, stop to stretch it several times throughout the run. I was supposed to do 7 miles, but that just didn't happen. So, it was off to the boring bike.

My knees haven't been appreciating the treadmill much lately either. Eh, I think it's just tendinitis. I've had it in my right knee for a year. I think the left one was starting to feel a bit left out, so it decided to adopt some tendinitis as well.

My back is the biggest annoyance right now because I can not get comfortable in any seated position. Maybe I should try some yoga. Everyone says it will be good for me, in more than one way. We'll see. That would require me trying to find the one yoga tape that I own.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Words of wisdom

When I finished up my college athletic career, my coach gave me a journal, which she did for all of the seniors. She wrote a few pages in it and left the rest of the book for us to fill up. This was 5 years ago and I haven't written a single word in it. I do, however, open it from time to time to see what she wrote. Tonight, I actually took it out of my bottom desk draw to write down some of my goals in life, but first, I thought I'd write a little bit of what my coach wrote to me. It is especially meaningful to me at this point in time, coming off the weekend I had, which will be another post at a later time. Haven't gotten there yet. So here were her words of wisdom to me 5 years ago.

"You have commented recently that you don't know what you want to do with your life! Do me a favor, spend some time appreciating what you have already done with your life!! Once you realize that your work ethic, determination and huge heart has gotten you where you are today, then it will get you to your destined future -- whatever that may be! I know you'll be a HUGE success someday. I can't wait until you believe it too!

Remember to love yourself. No one will teach you more, take care of you better or know you better than YOU!"

I guess I kind of needed to hear that tonight. She wrote a ton more in there, but it's about me and you don't really need to hear it.

My coach is someone I still talk to, email, and stop in to see quite often. Having spent pretty much everyday of my college years with her, she knows me pretty well.

Monday, March 20, 2006

Spring "Eggquinox"

Did you know that you can stand an egg up all by itself on the Fall and Spring equinox? It's true. I used to do it as a kid and figured I'd give it another shot. So I did! I was able to stand 5 eggs before I decided that I had had enough fun. Here is your proof.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

One of those nights

I'm sitting here waiting to find out if I am going out tonight. Part of me wants to go, the other part of me doesn't care if my friends can't go. Once I got up and got out of here I would want to be out, it's just getting to that point.

I'm feeling, and am, really fat and disgusting right now. I can't stand it. I just went and played my drums for a little bit, hoping to burn off some of whatever might be able to be burned off, ie. energy, angst, calories! It was going well until I broke a stick. That just sucked. So, here I am.

There are many times in my life where I just wish I could make myself throw up. Now would be one of them. That would be a disaster waiting to happen. I've tried many times, unsuccessfully...for the most part. It's good, I guess. Just one road I really don't need to go down, although lots of times I would really like to. I just wish I didn't feel this way anymore.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Childhood memories

When I was a little girl, my aunt gave me a record for my birthday. It was one of those personalized birthday songs. I must have been about 4 years old or so, I don't really remember. What I do remember is hating the song because it said the extended version of my name, which I hated being called. It was, however, what everyone called me for the first three years of my life. I hated it so much that I crumpled up the record.

Tonight, for some strange reason, that song popped into my head so I did a little google search to see if it was still around. Much to my surprise, it still exists. You can check it out here

I guess why this record is so sentimental to me is because my aunt died when I was in third grade. For some reason, I have always felt guilty about ruining the record. Probably because it is something that I remember from my aunt. Even though I was young, we were close. We had some sort of bond. I kind of look like her too.

So that is my trip down memory lane for the night.

No big "feet"

Don't forget to put sunscreen on your feet...both the tops and the bottoms!

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Make ya feel good

It's Creepy but True. Every night, someone thinks about you to sleep. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way. The only reason someone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you. There are at least 2 people in this world that would die for you. You mean the world to someone. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look again. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget the rude remark.

Friday, March 10, 2006

Killing time

I am sitting at the Palm Beach airport waiting for my flight. I spent my last day at the beach. :( I woke up at 6 and went to the gym, then went walking on the beach, then layed out from 9:45 AM until 1:30 PM, at which point I was kind of fried. Whoops. I didn't know I was getting burned, it kind of just happened. I feel kind of bad about it, knowing what I know about skin cancer and stuff, but I just had to get those last rays in!

I also went in the ocean. The water was great. The riptide was pretty bad though, so I didn't stay in there too long. I had to make sure, before I stood up out of the wave, that I didn't lose any of my bathing suit and that all parts were covering the proper areas. All was good!

So now I sit here and wait. Wait to go home back to the "real world." That's always so depressing. The worst part is when you get to the airport and you still have to get your bags, car and drive home an hour. It's like you're never gonna get home.

So the daily dredges of going to the gym and seeing the same faces and doing the same thing starts all over again in the morning. I was hoping that I would be looking forward to going back to my gym, but I'm really not. I'm just burnt out, I think. But, a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do.

1 more hour til my flight takes off. I really want some chocolate but I don't have any. I guess I'll eat my apple.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Travelin' blues

The last night of vacation is always depressing. Once you start putting your stuff back in your suitcase, unless you didn't really take it out, you know your time is up. Of course I have to take everything out and re-pack it nicely.

My 5 days in Florida has gone by pretty quickly. I did a whole lot of nothing, which was nice. I have one day left to soak up the sun, and lord knows that I will be on that beach no later than 10 AM. Actually, I'll probably be on it by 8:30, walking. I'll get up at 6 AM and go workout, then come back and go to the beach and walk.

Secretly my skin probably can't wait for me to get out of the sun. The hives I've been getting might be a telltale sign that I've had too much. But in my life, there's no such thing as "tan enough," and getting too much of something is not really a problem either, unless it's too much food and calories.

So, my flight doesn't leave until 7 PM, which gives me ample time to soak up the rays. I figure I need to leave the beach by 3 PM at the latest, which gives me a good 4-5 hours out there. (Oh, my poor skin. I know).

I lost my Burt's Beeswax chapstick too, which is a really bummer. I had two of them with me. One "expired," or ran out, if you will. The other, as they say on TV and it totally annoys me, "went missing." That's a post in and of itself. So I need to hit CVS or Walgreens and get some new Burts because the literally 140 chapsticks I have at my house aren't enough! (That's also probably another post).

So my depression about leaving the sun-filled, 80 degree weather is starting to set in. No more palm trees, no more beaches with turquoise water, and no more sun tan. :( All very sad for me.

However, it will be 60 degrees at home on Saturday so you know I will be laying out!!

Talk to you when I get home!

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Another day

Today was a packed day, in a quiet sort of way. I woke up at 6 AM and went to the gym. I then went for a nice power walk on the beach with my uncle. After that I grabbed a bite to eat and went to a surf shop. I love surf shops. That's one thing we are lacking where I live. Then I headed to this beach park to scope out the scene and take a few pictures. After that, it was time for the beach.

I was on the beach, sprawled out by 10:45 AM. I stayed there til about 3 and then went to another park to chill out. The change of scenery was nice. I went from the ocean to a lake, watching fish jump and ducks swim. It was very peaceful, until this man, who was at least 65, started talking to me. It was fine until the "what are you doing tonight? Do you want to meet for drinks?" questions popped up. Come on now, what is it with the old men hitting on me?? I just don't get it. To make things worse, they all think I am a lot younger than I am. It would be bad enough if they knew I was 28, but they think I am 19, which makes it ten times worse. Ugh!

Needless to say, I got out of that conversation and moved on. I came home, showered, ate dinner and then went to the mall.

Let's rewind for a minute here. I went the whole day, well until 6:30 PM, without weighing myself. That's a record for me. It's not that I didn't want to, I just was unable to because of my surroundings. I actually was pretty okay with the whole situation, until I actually did weigh myself. I went into an instant bad mood after that. I was hoping to lose weight this vacation and that hasn't happened. Looks like I need to spend more time at the gym and less time laying out at the beach. It's so freaking frustrating.

So then I went to the mall. It just depressed me even more. The mall itself is awesome. Really upscale, so I knew I wouldn't be buying much, even though I wasn't in the mood for shopping anyway. It was the people that depressed me. Everyone was skinny, beautiful, rich and perfect...or at least they appeared to be. So I got what I needed and got out of there.

Now I'm here and that's it.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Burn baby burn.

The weatherman on the local news recommended the "economy-sized can of hairspray" to deal with today's winds. Well, he was right. I knew it was a little breezy out, but decided I'd head for the beach anyway. I got to the beach and had a fight with my towel, trying to get it to stay down in the position I wanted it, and securing the corners before it blew away. Mission accomplished. Next step, lathering up. I got my essentials on, layed back, and the firing began. Thousands of particles of sand shooting at every part of my face, in my teeth...everywhere! I lasted no more than ten minutes before I decided to get up and leave and head for the pool. The pool was nice. Heated! Getting out, another story. Too cold with that wind so I didn't go back in. I layed out for over 4 hours and this was the end result...

Now, I didn't really burn that badly, but I did have crazy, funky marks on my back where I couldn't quite reach to put the sunscreen. Don't ya hate that? This is when having a nice cabana boy around would really be beneficial!

Monday, March 06, 2006

Nature's Pedicure

I decided to take a walk on the beach yesterday afternoon, not only to soak in the loveliness of the scenery, but to give my feet a little sand therapy. A few days of walking barefoot on the beach leaves your feet feeling so soft and fresh. The salt water does wonders for them as well.

Sunday, March 05, 2006

I woke up at 4 o'clock this morning in order to get to the airport. My flight was good and I was in FL by 10:30 and was on the beach before 1.

I parked and went to grab a bite to eat at a local deli. I was starving since I had eaten breakfast at 4:30 AM. Lunch was great...hummus, pita, veggies, and fruit. To make it even better, I was overlooking the beautiful turquoise ocean, listening to the waves crashing, while digging my feet in the sand.

Five minutes into my lunch, this man, who was at least in his fifties, decided to hit on me. He was like "Most girls I see are usually eating a bag of chips. You're eating healthy." Then he proceeded to say, "you should move down here so we could date.'' Um...NO WAY!! I wanted to say, "you could be my father," but instead I decided to be nice and say "my boyfriend wouldn't like that too much." If only I had a boyfriend. I wish I was a little faster on my feet because I would have said that I don't date guys. That would have been a better lie. Although, that could have made the situation worse. He finally left a few minutes later.

I finished lunch and layed out. It was so nice and peaceful. I love the sun. It just feel so good to me. I walked the beach before I left. I really felt like going for a run on the beach, but I didn't have my sneakers with me. Maybe tomorrow.

After the beach I went home and showered and then went to Publix. When I left the store I saw the most beautiful sunset. It was this big round orangy-pink ball of fire just over the horizon. I wish I had my camera with me.

So that was day one of my trip. It's now time for bed!

Saturday, March 04, 2006

Finally, a day off

I taught two fitness classes at the gym this morning. The first, at 7 AM mind you, was a weight training class. I was only supposed to teach that but the instructor for the second class never showed up, so who got roped into teaching guessed it. I had just gotten on the elliptical to do my cardio and it was the last thing that I wanted to do so teaching was actually a good thing. Besides, I get paid for it too.

So I taught two classes then came out and sort of did the stairmaster so I could talk to one of my friends. I say "sort of" because I do NOT do the stairmaster....Ever! You see, I have this intense fear that the stairmaster will make my legs and my ass bigger. Funny, when I was in high school we had one in our basement and I'd do it for at least an hour every night because I didn't go to the gym and didn't "know any better." Anyway, I did the stairmaster backwards for a little bit so I could chat, then I moved over to the elliptical. I only did 30 min. on there, but I guess that's okay since I taught two classes. Now my legs feel like they are going to fall off. Actually, my whole body is just tired. So tomorrow, seeing that it's a "travel day," I am not working out. I think I will survive. Afterall, I will be in sunny Florida.

I'll go work out at the gym when I am away. It will be a nice change of scenery. It's the same thing day in and day out where I work out. I like it there...but I'm just sick of it. Burnt out may be more like it. So, in this case, change will be good. New people to look at, new machines and a new atmosphere. Plus it's right next to Publix, my favorite grocery store, so I can do my shopping when I'm done, if I need to.

My next big concern is whether or not there will be a scale where I am staying. Even if there is, it doesn't really help me much because I am so reliant on mine. It has ounces on it too, so I know exactly what I weigh. I am just hoping has something for me to measure myself on.

The best part about my trip is that no one is there to make me eat. Not that I need someone to force me to eat, I eat when I am hungry, but now I won't have to eat dinner if I don't want to. Or, I can just eat veggies if I want to. I guess it's kind of pathetic that that's part of what I look forward to, but that's my life.

Well, I'm heading to bed. I have to be out of my house by 5 AM to get to the airport.

I'm leaving on a jet plane

Okay, that picture is the size of my pinky. What's up with that??

Anyway, I am getting ready to head to Florida in the morning. I'll be getting up before the sun rises to head to the airport. The good news is that I will be on the beach by 1 PM at that latest. Whoo hoo!!

I have one goal to achieve during my vaca in get tan. Okay, maybe I have 2 goals. I wouldn't mind losing a few pounds while I'm down there, but that probably won't happen so being tan may have to suffice.

My days are planned as follows: Get up and go to the gym, or take a walk on the beach and then go to the gym. Then spend the rest of the day at the beach, filling my body with cancerous ultra-violet rays and UVB. (I do have sunscreen, which I will use sparingly).

So that's it. I'm sure I'll be bored at night, so blogging may be frequent. Also, lying on the beach gives one plenty of time to think...which also means blogging will be frequent. If I'm lucky, I'll find my "zen place" and shut off my brain and fall asleep in the sand. I'm usually pretty good at the falling asleep part.


Thursday, March 02, 2006

A quick click of the mouse is all it takes

Please go to this site
and click on the pink band to help fund free mammograms. It will be your good deed of the day.