Monday, September 11, 2006

The race is on

Every night it's the same thing. What will I weigh when I go to bed?? If I weighed this much last night when I went to bed and I weigh less than that now, will that mean I'll weigh less than what I weighed this morning when I wake up tomorrow?? It's always a big game. However, the game is never any fun to play. I never win and I LOVE to win!!

I weigh the same right now as I did last night when I went to bed last night, which means that I can't eat anything tonight, even if it's just an apple, which would be the only thing I'd eat right now anyway. I just have to drink water. Water and tea.

It was nice, yet a little weird...I kind of had the whole anorexic mindset of I don't really need to eat. I can get by without eating and be ok. I don't know how I did it in high school. Was I stronger than I am now to get by on eating fruit, dry cereal and bread everyday? I'm sure I could still do it, but now that I cook more I like to eat more veggies. I also know I need protein so I have my protein shakes for lunch. In high school I didn't know that I needed protein in my diet. While my diet is still limited, I've found other options to keep me going, like fake egg whites. I pretty much eat the same thing everyday, which I get pretty sick of, which is why I think sometimes I don't know what I want to eat.

I never thought that I'd still be doing this stuff at the age of 28. You think that it's something you'll grow out of but I'm still here. Obsessing about my weight, the scale, food, exercise, my body, etc. I don't know if it's something I'll ever "grow out of." All I know is that I don't want to have children and still be this way. I guess I don't really know how to, or if I want to get out. Maybe I'm just not satisfied because I haven't reached my goal yet, which to me, miss competition, equals failure.

Who knows what life would be like at 94 pounds. Would I be happier? Would I be miserable? I don't know and who knows if I will ever find out, although I would really like to. Till then, we'll see what I weigh tonight before I go to bed and hope that it will be less than it was last night.

4 comments:

Jackie said...

palm, i know the feeling of surprise and horror that at 30 years old, i am still bulimic.
i also understand the obsession and drive to be thin. i remember being 98 lounds and loving it. i felt clean and pure. and high. however, i never remember thinking i was fat at anything less than 120. i hate to use numbers but do you realize from an objective point of view that your body image is distorted, that you are not fat, that in fact, you are thin?

PalmTreeChick said...

I am really short, Jackie. I want that feeling that you had at 98 lbs. Pure, Light, clean.

Emily Jolie said...

Palm,

It makes me a bit sad to read your post. Like you are such a slave to your scale. I wish for you to have freedom from this.
I don't know how you can even do this, weighing yourself so many times a day. The fluctuations of weight within the day have so much to do with how much liquid you are drinking - not just food you're eating. The minor fluctuations within the day really don't represent whether you've put on any fat. I would go insane weighing myself so many times throughout the day!

What if you were to only weigh yourself in the mornings? Or, better yet, if you were to go by other standards than your scale - namely how you FEEL in your body? I know, I know. You're going to say you feel fat.
I'm not sure what to tell you. It just makes me feel sad. I wish I could cut this big ball and chain that you've attached to yourself. But the problem is, YOU've attached it and you're chosing to keep it on. You HAVE the keys to it! You just don't WANT to take it off. Why is that, Palm?

lots of love for you,
Em

PalmTreeChick said...

You're absolutely correct, Em. I've attached it. I have to want to take it off. I don't know why I can't. I fear that if I don't weigh myself I will end up gaining a million pounds. If I weigh myself all the time I know how much I can eat and feel like I have some control over my weight.

I know the fluctuations are due to what I drink, that's why I weigh myself after I pee all the time. But, I also freak out when I eat and have to weigh myself because I know that I am gaining weight from that.

Thank you for being so honest and upfront with your post.

xo
ptc