Wednesday, September 13, 2006

In a funk

I'm in a funk and I can't get out of it. I don't know what's wrong with me. Could I still be feeling this way from my grandmother dying a week ago? I've had relatives pass away in my life before, although I was younger and didn't really get involved as much with everything as I did with my grandma. Maybe it's just harder for me this time because I was with her pretty much everyday and watched her die. I just feel like I should be over it by now. I mean, I had the opportunity to say goodbye to her. I had closure. So why do I still feel like this?

I think about my grandma and I know she is very happy where she is right now, back with her husband. I KNOW she's happy and that brings me peace, but I'm still sad. I don't feel like talking to people and the last thing I want to do is go run a field hockey practice for 3 hours everyday. I feel bad being so unhappy around these girls. I try to be a positive role model and I feel like I am not being one right now. I'm okay first thing in the morning when I am at the gym but then my day goes downhill. Ugh, I NEED to get over this. I WANT to get over this.

My cat is sitting on my lap, purring and being cute. She's so soft. I wish I was a cat.

To put a positive spin on things. I lost a little weight. Okay, so it was only a pound but I'm hoping more follows. If I'm going to be unhappy, I might as well lose weight so I have something to make me happy. But now it's like a constant fear that anything I eat will put that pound back on. That's the problem, you lose weight and are happy about it but you have this huge fear that it's going to come back so you end up struggling even more.

D. thinks I should take some 5htp (some herb or something) to make me feel better, but I don't really know about all those herbal remedies and if they really do do anything. So, I've opted to not waste my money and not take it.


I guess I should get ready for practice now, on this cloudy and chilly afternoon.

***Okay, after doing a little research on 5-HTP, maybe I will take it. It seems to that it help "control appetite." I read that it is sometimes used to help treat bulimia. If that's the case, sign me up. I could use a little help in the weightloss department. I don't have a binging problem, but any loss of appetite would be good!

5 comments:

survivorfreek said...

*sends good vibes* take care!

Emily Jolie said...

Hi PTC,

As challenging as it may be, I think it's perfectly normal for you to be a bit blue since your grandma died. I know it's noones favorite state to be in, but sometimes, it's ok to feel that way. Just know that it will pass. You'll come back out of it, and your perkiness and joy of life will come back!

As to what you said about the weightloss and the fear of putting that one pound back on - that is exactly how bulimia started for me. I'd lost a bunch of weight and was so happy about it, but I was terrified about putting it back on and didn't think I could maintain the lower weight if I ate "normally." Consistently eating below "normal" levels didn't work for me, either, though. For one, my body wasn't getting the nutrients it needed, so I craved food like crazy and went on binges... just to purge subsequently.

Please be healthy, Palm! Give your body what it needs! You eat so little as it is!

big hug and lots of love,
Em

2 Dollar Productions said...

5-HTP is a reasonable enough herb for weight control, but I can't remember how expensive it is.

And I don't think there's any standard timeline for feeling blue, especially on some days.

drstaceyny said...

Nothing's wrong with you--your grandmother just died recently, and the two of you were close. While you know she's in a better place now, you did see her suffer, and you did lose someone you loved. The funk will pass, but for now, I'd just try to take really good care of yourself.

PalmTreeChick said...

Thanks Ryan!

Thanks Em. I guess I'm just afraid that I won't snap out of it. I'm lucky to have people like you guys around.

Good to know, 2-dollar.

Thanks Doc! I feel better to know that this is normal. I'll work on taking care of my mom in the next week or so, moreso than myself. She'll need it.

Thanks guys!!