Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Disgusted

I went to bed last night completely despising my disgusting body. I was not happy with the numbers on the scale and I went to bed mad. I hate that. I hate hating my body so much. I weigh myself at night with a certain number in mind and it was so not what I wanted it to be last night. This morning, the number was better than I thought it would be but it still a freaking struggle every minute.

I got home from practice today and changed my clothes to go to our game. I put on jean and a shirt that was tighter than I usually wear but I knew I would be putting more layers on as soon as I got there. Anyway, I was completely uncomfortable with my outfit. My thighs and ass looked completely huge (because they are) in those jeans. Therefore, I felt so nasty and was kind of freaking out a little. You could see my fat love handles through my shirt and just my overall bigness. I wanted to throw up. I can't stand it. I felt like everyone was looking at me and seeing how fat I am. It really doesn't help to stand next to the anorexic girl on the team. That makes me feel like a real porker.

Ugh! I just got really tired and need to go to bed but I haven't finished my tea yet. I already know what the scale's going to say because I just weighed myself about 40 minutes ago. Of course I'm going to weigh myself again though...just in case something changed.

Night.

5 comments:

drstaceyny said...

It's a good description how you write how you "hate hating" your body. It seems like you're caught between wanting to lose weight and being fed up (no pun intended) with the whole process of the weighing (and resulting bad moods), disliking your body, and being consumed by these thoughts. Where to go from here?

PalmTreeChick said...

Hmm...I don't know where I go from here...maybe back to the gym? Actually, I think I should quit the gym so I lose all my muscle and can get really skinny then start up again so I can build my muscle back, but not back so much. Although, I know I would be completely miserable if I didn't work out. I would go insane.

Wow, this is why my blog is "just babbling" because I'm so good at going off on tangents and talking about nothing. Like Seinfeld, the show about nothing! :)

Feisty Frida said...

Your blog is about a LOT more than nothing.

xoxo

PalmTreeChick said...

um, thanks. :)

Feisty Frida said...

BTW, I LOVE Seinfeld!