Thursday, August 31, 2006

Doing better

Hey guys!

Thanks for all your thoughts and prayers. Grandma seems to be doing a little better. We'll see. It's day by day.

She IS still alive. I think my post must have been a little confusing. Sorry. :(

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Does it ever stop?

I want to be skinny more than anything in the world. That's kind of pathetic considering there are much greater things to strive for in life. I don't know why I want it so badly. I look at someone who is rail thin, perhaps even anorexic, and can't help but think I want to look like that! It's all I think about.

D. said I need to focus on what I want to work on and what issues I want to address. She said "weightloss is not an option for an issue." Okay, for me it is an option and it's definitely an issue for me. I just want to be skinny. I want my bones to stick out. Not disgustingly so, but just enough.

I don't know how I got this way. I also don't know why I'm fat. I need to lose 10 pounds now. I'm hoping that being at field hockey practice for three hours everyday will help with that crusade. It's gotta be better than sitting at my desk in front of a computer all day. Atleast I'll be moving some more.

I just need to never stop moving and never eat again. My workout was horrible this morning. I had nothing in me. Physically I was drained, and probably a little emotionally too. My body just couldn't go anymore. Even the thoughts of having to lose 10 lbs wasn't helping me push through it. I need to get thin and toned. Not fat and flabby. 14 year of this shit is enough!

I swear I'm just getting fatter and fatter. I know it. I can't stand it. I really can't take it. I don't know why!! It's so frustrating. Yesterday the numbers were good, today they suck!! I weigh 67 thousand pounds. Ughhh, I know I am repeating myself but I can't help it. I am so sick of being disgusting. I can't even describe how I feel.

So, I'm sitting next to both my cute little nephews watching Alice in Wonderland and I'm still obsessing about how fat I am. Ugh...

Shedding a tear

I saw my sister cry for the first time in a very long time today. We both said our I Love Yous to grandma knowing that it might be the last time.

I called my mother on the way to practice this morning to see how everything was. She told me that grandma wasn't doing well at all. I decided to skip out on practice and go to the hospital. I went to practice to tell the head coach what was going on and she told me to leave. I came home to take a shower and found my mom shedding a few tears.

We got up to her floor and put on the gloves and gown that we need to wear before we enter her room. She's been sleeping most of the time, and when I went to see her yesterday I only had a minute with her before they took her away for some tests. I didn't even get to talk to her then. Today I was able to spend some time with her.

My mom walked into the room while I put my gown on. The nurse came over and told me that we needed to leave while they bathed her. So, once again I got to say hello and then had to step out. I started crying as I walked out of her room.

When we went back in, grandma was sound asleep. We let her sleep for a bit and then the nurse came in to give her some medicine, so she had to wake her up. I got a chance to talk to her for a little bit. I told her that I love her and she said "I love you, C." I felt somewhat complete at that point. Like it was all "okay.' She even asked me what was on my shirt, which she could see through the gown, and remembered the angel I had given her yesterday. So, she knows what going on, she's just really too weak to talk much. All she wants to do is sleep.

My sister arrived a little later and we could tell that grandma wanted to go to sleep. My sis gave her a kiss and told her she loved her, then turned away because she didn't want my grandma to see her cry. We let her go back to sleep and right as we were about to leave, she woke up. I gave grandma a kiss on the cheek and told her I loved her. She said "I love you, L" and then my sis gave her a kiss too. At that point she knew she had called me the wrong name and corrected herself. She looked at me and said, "I love you, C.," Then looked at my sis and said "I love you, L." We walked out with tears in our eyes and left the hospital.

It's definitely not easy watching someone die. I feel bad for my mother, having to go through all of this. I can't imagine the toll it's taking on her.

We drove all night, and half the next day
Up through the mountains to the open space
Got through registration, searched for my dorm,
I was so thankful he'd been there before.

He carried my boxes, he helped me upack
Told old college stories until I laughed
But the tears started falling as we ran out of time,
And I did all I could to avoid his goodbye.
He said I wish I could stay here,It's hard on me too.
But I know that there's so much that you've got to do,

So...I'll let you go,
You can stop crying.
Oh it's not the end of the world,
Girl you know, you're gonna be fine.
Give me a hug and let me see you smile,
You know that I'll see you in a little while,
So I'll let you go.

I made it through school, I made some big plans,
Yeah, I chased my dreams in some far away land,
But everything changed when I got the call,
And chasing those dreams meant nothing at all.
I told him I'm gonna stay here,
And take care of you.
He said that's the last thing that I'd let you do,

But...I'll let you go,
You can stop crying.
Oh it's not the end of the world,
Girl you know, I'm gonna be fine.
Give me a hug and let me see you smile,
You know that I'll see you in a little while,
So I'll let you go.

With the wings that he gave me, I learned how to fly,
One day they brought me back to be by his side,
I knew he was holding on for me,
But I couldn't say the words,
The ones that would set him free,
The last thing I heard, he said...

I'll let you go,
You can stop crying.
Oh it's not the end of the world,
Girl you know, I'm gonna be fine.
Give me a hug and let me see you smile,
You know that I'll see you in a little while,
So I'll let you go.

Carolyn Dawn Johnson

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

My kids

My little girl

My kids
My little boy

Today 4 U

I'm watching RENT again when I should be working. I get so sucked into this movie. I need to go see it in NY again. It's been like 2 years, if not longer.

I'm actually just trying to kill sometime before I head over to the hospital to see my grandma. I haven't seen her in a week, since they took her to the hospital. I guess she's not doing too well. The worst part is that her mind is still in tact and working so she's completely aware of her state. It makes me so sad to think about. I know I'm going to be ten times sadder when I leave the hospital. I just feel like I need to go there and spend a few minutes with her in case something happens. I would feel so horrible if I didn't see her and get to say "goodbye" to her, even if I do it in a subtle way.

I would like to bring her something special, but I'm not really sure what. She absolutely loves chocolate, but she can't eat it right now. I just want to make her feel at peace and I don't know how. Maybe I will pick up something for her in the hospital gift shop. They always have stuff there. I made her a page of positive and hopeful quotes and gave that to her last time she was in the hospital. She really appreciated that.

Okay, now that I have wiped the tears off of my face, (Yes, I was actually crying. Something that doesn't happen very much) I should get ready to head out. I'm sure I'll write more later.

Monday, August 28, 2006

A dud date

My "blind" date tonight was um, let's just say boring. I talked to him on the phone last night and we have been emailing for a few weeks. He's into corvettes and motorcross, not exactly my cup of tea.

Anyway, we met at this sushi place. (I just tried a cucumber roll for the first time last week and thought it was good, but I will eat NOTHING from the sea!!!) So, we ate there and he tried to get me to try fish and "fake" crab. NOT HAPPENING. He didn't ask me one single question the whole time we were there. He talked about his corvette and how he wanted to build more muscle in his arms and traps and stuff. (Are you falling asleep yet?) Then he talked about sushi. zzzzzzz. Totally not my type of guy. I feel bad because I don't want to talk to him again. I'm bad with that because I always feel bad.

My day was nuts. I woke up at 6, went to the gym, left the gym and went to practice in the pouring rain from 9-12 PM, came home and showered and went out on the road for work, stopped at my sister's house, then went on my date. I got home at 7:45 tonight and paid my bills. That's a full day! I completely missed being able to check out everyone's blogs. I'm addicted, I admit it.

Now I am drinking my green tea. The best part about being gone all day is not eating. Hopefully I am shedding some poundage. When I weighed myself when I got home I was "happy" with the number. Let's just hope it goes down a lot tonight while I'm sleeping so I can be a little happier.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Surfing pictures

M. sent me the surfing pics from our surfing experience last month. I will not be posting them, but I have them. She also sent the video she took of me surfing. I showed it to my parents and my mom said "You look big there. I wouldn't show that to anyone." Um...thanks mom! If she only knew.

So that was nice...

Atleast I had a good workout today. I was a little nervous to do anything because I was afraid that my hip was going to pop back out. My lower back was sore yesterday and this morning, but I'm pretty sure it was because I was aligned properly for the first time in a while. Clearly I wasn't too concerned about my hip because I got on the treadmill and ran 5 miles. I wanted to do 7 but then I thought that I probably shouldn't have even been doing 5, but I did anyway. I was running next to someone so I stayed on there. If she wasn't there I probably would have gotten off and done something with less impact, but I get the best workout running anyway.

So I ran 5 miles, then walked a mile, then road the bike and did some triceps, biceps and pull-ups. I still can't really lift because my shoulder is messed up. Well, I could lift because I don't really care if it hurts me but I was hoping by not lifting or doing any push-ups for two weeks it would heal. I was wrong. I started to do some abs too and realized that I couldn't do what I wanted to do because my shorts would fall off. So I started to do different abs and realized that my lower back was feeling weird from the whole "popping in of the hip" so I just left the gym. Oh well.

That was pretty much it. I'll probably go to bed soon so I can get up at 6 AM and workout, then head to practice until noon, then home to shower so I can go to work. I will be out on the road tomorrow so I have to drive about 50 minutes to see my client, then I will stop at my sister's house and then I will go on a blind date. (sigh) You know I will have something to write about that tomorrow night!

I must go weigh myself now. As Porky Pig says (how appropriate)..."That's all folks!"

La Vie Boheme

I'm so psyched because RENT the movie is on right now. I was thinking how it would be a great day to watch it, since it's nasty and rainy out. However, I don't have the dvd of it because I let someone borrow it back in March and they can't find it. Grrr. I don't understand how someone can lose something that belongs to someone else.

Okay, so I was flipping through the channels and found RENT. It's half over but it's better than nothing. I think I've watched more tv in the past two days than I did all summer.

RENT is my favorite musical. I've seen it on Broadway about 11 times. Seen the touring company two times. Me...obsessive? No! I actually tried out for it in NYC a few years back. I knew I would have no chance getting in because I've never been in a show or acted in my life. Although, I'm pretty good at acting in my everyday life.

It's absolutely pouring rain out. I just made tea because I was freezing. I might go play my drums after the movie is over. I should do something productive since my time will be extremely limited now that field hockey has started. The movie ends in 25 minutes so I can be productive then. :) I don't know what to do though. Clean my room? Nah. Clean the bathroom? Nah. Go through all my crap in the basement? Maybe.

That's all for now.

Saturday, August 26, 2006

The anorexic player

I watched the anorexic girl on my team pick at her sandwich tonight. Actually, she ate it very much like how I would have eaten it if was eating it. Ate the tomato and the veggies inside, but nothing else.

It makes me really sad to look at her and know that she is struggling so much. I wish I could just sit down and talk to her, but that might be a little awkward. I was hoping her mom would come talk to me after our meeting tonight and let me know what was going on, but she didn't. We talked, but not about her daughter. Apparently her mom is aware that something is wrong and even took her to the doctor. (I got that from the captain's mom who is friends with the girl's mother).

It's horrible because I feel bad for her, but on the other hand I'm envious of what she looks like. She's a rail and you can see her shoulder blades slightly through her shirt. It's what I want to look like.

It kills me to see other people suffering from eating disorders. It makes me sad. I just wish I could help them. Funny how I feel that way about others but could care less about myself.

My hips don't lie

I have about 5 minutes before I have to leave for my second field hockey practice of the day, coaching not playing. I'd really like to just take a nap right now. (Yawn).

So I had the hot athletic trainer pop my hip back into place after practice. I love him. He's got the best personality. Too bad he's married. He's the type of guy you can look at and watch him and know he'd be such a great father. (He has two kids).

It took him about 35 minutes to get to a point where he was able to put my hip back into place. I don't know why, but they get all messed up sometimes. It's been happening for years. He stretched me out really well, tried to pull my leg to get my hip to pop but was unsuccessful. Stretched me again and then pulled again until it popped. He was pulling so hard on my leg that he was actually leaning backwards. It didn't feel like he was pulling that hard to me.

So it's back where it belongs, for now. Now my back and stuff feel weird because everything is where it belongs. It's been out of place for a few weeks.

I have another practice and a meeting. We have one obviously anorexic girl on the team, but I'll write more about that later. I've gotta jet.

Friday, August 25, 2006

A dreary day

It's just a dreary day...

The weather sucks. It hasn't rained in two months and today, the day of our office outing on the bossman's boat, it pours. So what did we do? We sat on the boat and watched a movie. It was still okay, but obviously it would have been better if we could have left the dock and went out on the water somewhere. Tornado warnings don't usually warrant good sailing weather.

The boat is awesome. Two bedrooms, two baths, two showers, a kitchen and a family room area. Must be nice to be rich.

I'm still not in a good mood. I am depressed over that fact that I am just getting fatter and fatter and I don't understand why. I really am not dealing with this too well. Hopefully it will pass in a day or so. I don't want to eat, which is always a good thing. Everyone was making fun of me on the boat because I only ate some nuts, a piece of bread and veggies. They were like "Eat! Eat!" No thanks, it was all cold cuts. I can't afford to eat. I am too friggin fat to be putting anything in my mouth. I really can't take it. I just want to be skinny and happy.

Grandma's still in the hospital. She was supposed to be released yesterday, but that didn't happen. They talked about today, but she seems to be getting worse again. I have a feeling my mom is not telling me the truth about what's going on. I called her from the boat and she wouldn't answer my questions. I asked her if I should come down to the hospital and she said "no." So, I don't really know what's going on. I have a feeling it's not good, but I don't really know.

I really can't stand myself. I'm sorry for repeating myself a thousand times but I guess it's my blog and I can write what I want and this is the only place I can vent so I'm hoping that this will make me feel a little better. So far, it's not. I guess it really won't make me feel or be any less fat. Maybe I should get off my ass and go back to the gym. That's the only thing that will help. I need to workout next to the little anorexic girl so I can feel even fatter and then just never eat again.

I'm going to shut up now because this is pointless.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Bad mood and my thoughts

I just want to be skinny.
I'm sick of being and feeling fat all the time.
Part of me just wants to waste away.
I don't want to die or get hurt.
I just want to be skinny.

I look at my body and it grosses me out.
I saw pictures of my thighs and they are so huge.
I don't know how others can't see it.
What are they, blind?

I hate living this way, but I hate the way I look and feel even more.
I'd like to tear off all the fat on my body.
I want to see my bones.
I want to keep some muscle definition, but I want to by stick thin.

I hate being and feeling like a big fat blob.
I hate when I get on the scale and the numbers suck.
I hate that I can't lose a freaking pound.
I just want to be skinny.

I hate when people touch me and feel my fat.
It makes me want to shrivel up or throw up.
Like when someone touches my arm fat. Ew.
Or my love handles. Blech!

Why can't I just lose weight?
I just want to be skinny!!
I want a flat, indented stomach and no flab anywhere.
I want to be skinny!!

That's not a poem, just my thoughts as they came out of my head. I hate my body. I want to be skinny. I need to stop saying "hate" as to not create those negative thoughts but it's going to stay that way for now.

Cranky tonight

I'm kind of cranky tonight but I don't really know why. I just sort of got in a bad mood for no reason. Okay, maybe I do know what set me off. I got an email from D. saying that she thinks I have an anxiety disorder. I don't know why that made me mad, but it did. I really don't think I have an anxiety disorder. I rarely stress out or worry about things. The only thing that I freak out about is my weight and all things related to that. So, I don't think that means I have an anxiety disorder but I'm not mental health practitioner.

I just made steamed broccoli in the microwave because our oven is still broken. The repair man came yesterday and said we need a new one. It's been kind of crazy though because my grandma's back in the hospital so my mom really can't go look for one, although she did today. Between working and visiting my grandma she's pretty busy. Atleast she works from home.

I ran 7 miles on the treadmill this morning. When I started, I told myself that I was just going to go slow so I could go further, but I can't do that. I always want to go faster, even though I did go slower than normal today. I feel like I need to get up to 9 miles since I did 11 outside. Although, I ran that with someone and we ran much slower. Atleast I got a semi-decent workout this morning. I thought I wouldn't be able to walk today but my back feels pretty good.

So I made more broccoli because I ate the first batch, but now I don't want it. I have to go out to dinner in a little bit but I'm not going to eat because it will be too late. I like to eat early, like 5 pm.

Tomorrow is my office outing on the boat. It's supposed to be cloudy and cold. How the hell can I get tan if it's cloudy and cold?? Grrr. I guess I won't have to worry about being in my bathing suit then. Although, I was hoping to skimboard or surf and get a good tan. I definitely have a tanning problem.

I need to get into a better mood before I go out. I don't know how I will change that in the next 45 minutes, but I will try. Maybe I'll write more when I get back.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Waterskiing outing

I decided to go waterskiing at the last minute today. My friend G. has been trying to get me out there all week, but work calls. So today I went. I really wanted to try it, minus the idea of getting into the river where yucky creatures swim and I risk the possibility of one touching me.

I got out in the water and I got up on my third try. I didn't even fall, and skied until he stopped the boat to ask me if he could go into my bag and get my camera because he didn't have his memory stick.

Of course, I didn't get by without injury. (I swear, you'd think I always get hurt by reading this blog, but I never do. This summer I've just been getting little nagging injuries, mostly from field hockey.) The very first time I was trying to get up on the skis, I pulled the underneath of my forearm. (I have no idea what that's called). I hope it's just a muscle pull and nothing else because I need to be able to grip a field hockey stick in 2 days. There already is some bruising and I can't make a fist. Oh yeah, there is also a little something popping out, not sure if it's my vein or what, but my other arm doesn't have that. As long as it doesn't inhibit my abilities to do anything (working out) than it's fine.

Yeah, so I just loaded the pics onto my computer. AAAAHHHHH. My legs are so disgustingly huge. They are like fucking tree trunks. I never liked them but seeing a picture of them in a bathing suit makes me want to throw up. Too bad it really doesn't make me throw up.

Then there was the fact that I felt fat the whole time I was out there. My fat rolls were hanging all over my stomach and I wanted to die. The wind blew my shirt up while we were on the boat, because we were going so fast, and all I could see was my disgustingly fat stomach. I was mortified. I just hate myself (physically). I get so disgusted and grossed out when I see myself. I just want to be skinny!!! I can't take it anymore. I wish I didn't have to eat. I don't want to eat. When I get my own place I won't have to eat anything that I don't want to, not that I really do now, but if I only want to have broccoli for dinner than I will!! Ugggghhh!

So I have another boating outing on Friday. My office outing. Not only does my boss have a plane, he has a boat...but of course! Great, so all these people who think I am skinny will see the truth...the fat truth! What are the chances I can get skinny by then? Slim to none. Ha Ha...get it?

It's Wednesday and I'm fat

It's almost noon and I'm sitting here drinking my green tea and working. My friend wants me to go out on his boat today and try water skiing, but I feel bad bagging out of work, even though I don't do much of anything while working. Half of the time I sit in my pool and float around. I really want to try water skiing though.

I woke up to go to the bathroom last night and decided to weigh myself. Probably not such a great idea because it got me mad in the middle of the night. I used to "lose" like 2 pounds at night when I was sleeping, now I barely lose any and it's driving me insane.

I'm starting to sound like those people that I hate that complain how they need to lose weight yet they continue to eat anything and everything and drink up a storm. (I'm NOT talking about anyone in the blog community, but people I know personally.) I sit here and complain how fat and gross I am, yet nothing has changed. I still eat. I just need to cut out more from my diet. I can only spend so much time at the gym before I go insane. But I'm going to have to do something if I want to be skinny. Move more, eat less.

D. made a great comment to me the other day. She said "you're very smart. You could outwit any doctor, and if you were ever hospitalized (not that you need to be because you're not in any danger) you'd outwit everyone there too." Oooh baby, that's a good thing. It kind of makes me sound like I am really sneaky though, which I'm not...most of the time. She also said that I am "an interesting case," whatever that means. I'm definitely interesting, that's for sure. ;)

On a brighter note, they didn't weigh my at the doctor last night. They usually weigh you for EVERYTHING, but there were swamped so they just gave me a shot and that was it. The girl who gets on the scale 100 times a day hates getting weighed at the doctor. Figure that one out. I just don't want the docs to see how much I weigh.

Our oven will hopefully get fixed today. Who knows though, the guy may tell us we need a new one. I miss cooking!

I need to get back to work.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

A crazy day (kind of)

I was going to write this morning but I didn't and now I don't know what I was going to write about. Hate when that happens.

I went to see my grandma at the convalescent home, where she is "recovering" after her hospital stay. She didn't look all that great and I thought of how sad it is to watch someone die, although I don't know if she is at that point. It's just sad to watch someone live like that.

I got yelled at this morning by H. and some others, including a nurse, because I got bit by my friend's dog on Saturday and they were yelling at me to get a tetanus shot. So, I went to the ER near my house, which I thought was a clinic and an ER, but apparently it's just an ER so I didn't get my shot there because it would have cost 100 dollars. My grandma was actually taken there this afternoon too, so my parents and my aunt were there.

It was funny, my dad walked into the ER while I was in the room giving my info (before knowing the cost) and I was like "Dad!" He had no idea I was there for myself. It was funny. Had I known the place was just an ER I wouldn't have gone there. I thought it was also like a walk-in clinic. Getting a shot was definitely NOT an emergency. Now I kind of feel like a dork. I ended up going to my doc. I had no idea I needed to get a tetanus shot but everyone, even the docs where like "Yes, you need one." Who knew?? Not me, that's for sure.

So grandma is back in the hospital tonight. She has pneumonia. I hate going through this. I feel bad for my mom and so bad for my grandma. I hate seeing her like this. She didn't look too bad when I was her at the ER near me. Hopefully she'll pull through.

I'd like to just never eat again. When are they going to invent a pill that makes you never want to eat?? I really just want to be skinny. Hopefully I will start losing weight when I start field hockey on Saturday. I won't be playing, but I'll be standing around and moving a little for 3 hours everyday. It will be good when I run with the girls too. Extra workouts. Just let me shed 10 lbs and I will be happy.

Actually, I think I'm getting a little more obsessed with working out again. It kind of sucks because my lower back to me knee is still bothering me, I think from the IT band pull 5 weeks ago. I think the tightness may have pulled my hip out of place too, which used to happen all the time. My shoulder is still hurting from falling on it last month too. I sound like I am 90 years old! I don't know why these injuries just won't heal. (well I do...kind of, but whatever). They're not preventing me from doing too much. The hip/butt/leg thing hurt more today than usual but I can still workout. I feel like I need to workout longer and harder these days. We'll see what happens.

Time for bed. I keep forgetting that I have to teach tomorrow morning. Ugh!

My Rorschach results

Oooh, hold on tight. Actually I don't think they're that bad, but what the hell do I really know?

I took the Rorschach Test (Ink Blot) back in February and have finally gotten my results. I begged my friend J., who is getting her psy d (I'm sure I got that wrong. Not sure if there's a space there or not), to give me the test. I trusted her ability to separate herself from our friendship to accurately grade the result. So, without further adieu...

-Possesses the ability to think constructively and be task-oriented,but such is applied inconsistently. Thinking can be rigid and inflexible at times.

-Tendency to take in more information than can be efficiently processed- potentially reflected in difficulty with decision making and uncertainty when a decision is made that it is a correct one. This, in combination with rigid thinking can mean that once a decision is made, the examinee can be reluctant to reconsider any other alternative options or information.

- Ability to identify with broad conventional ideas and experiences but some degree of impaired perception of reality when encountering more ambiguous stimuli- does not see/interpret situations, details or events in a conventional way, but demonstrates a typical and adaptive, though sometimes idiosyncratic, perception of other people. Identified deficiency in reality testing does not become increasingly impaired when angry and examinee demonstrates good control over angry impulses.

-No evidence of psychosis or thought disorder (just thought I'd throw that in :p )

-Good ability to appropriately modulate affect (i.e. control over excessive emotionality and reactiveness) but an insufficient capacity to experience and express emotionality when appropriate. Likely the examinee deals with experiences in a cognitive fashion as opposed to emotionally.

-Balanced focus of attention and openness to experiences within one's world but may, at times, be impaired by excessive thinking and worrying about ideas that have no "purpose".

-Overly preoccupied with self and focused on the self (not to be interpretted as selfish) but in a chronically self-critical way. Unfavorable attitudes toward the body- particularly problematic when considered in conjunction with cognitive inflexibility and tendency to engage in excessive and nonproductive worrying and thinking.

-Tendency to identify more easily/closely with people who do not participate in the examinee's everyday world- possibly seen by modeling oneself around selected desirable characteristics of more distant individuals and failure to recognize the "whole person". Such idealization and fragmentation may lead to disrupted presence of a cohesive and realistic sense of self.

So that's it. :) THANKS J!

Monday, August 21, 2006

"The file"

This is a milestone (not really) 200th post on and my third post of the day. See what happens when I go away for a few days? Lots to talk about.

So, I had my appt. with D. this morning. I was hoping she'd cancel so I could workout longer. She didn't. So I went nice and sweaty, right from the gym. We had a lot of catching up to do, but you better believe I asked her about my file within the first five minutes. Here's how it all went down.

Where's my file. I want to see it

D. - To tell you the truth, it's not even done yet.

I don't care, I can still see it. Why won't you just let me see it?

D. - If I thought it would help you, I'd let you see it. You want to see if for one reason...It's the only thing you don't have control over. You control your food, weighing yourself 100 times a day, your workouts, it's all about control for you.

It is not. It will help me if I see it.

D. - It will not and you know it. You are the only person in 20 years that has asked to see their file. I won't let you see it. It won't help you in any way.

Grrr...still no luck. I just want to see it. I did manage to take the piece of paper she was writing on today. I took it from her (she didn't care, by the way) and I wrote my own notes on it. I wrote "Have yourself a merry little Christmas" and drew a Christmas tree. :) I like to make no sense sometimes.

I think one of the things she wrote down was "doesn't want to eat" or something like that. I'm not sure what that was about. I eat...clearly I eat.

So, one of my homework assignments is too think about the things I control and how that makes me feel, or something like that. I don't remember exactly what she wrote down for me. I'll have to look at it. I think that might be a tough one. I think I have to write down what it would be like if I didn't control them too. Hmmm...

More pics and..."The Jeans" (the Hamptons part 2)

Here are a few more pics that blogger wouldn't let me post in my other post. Okay, I wanted to post more but it still wouldn't let me.

Now onto...THE JEANS...

C. and I walked around some shops in West Hampton after dinner. How hoity toity, I know (I do not know how to spell hoytie, hoity, toity, toytie?). We walked into this one store and the ladies were putting out these jeans. I walked in and said "I want those jeans!!" I asked the lady how much they were and she said she didn't even know because they just got them in and they weren't for sale yet. Bummer. C. was like "try them on and if you want them we can come back tomorrow and get them." I was like "okay, but they're probably like 200 dollars."

I went in the dressing room and tried them on, knowing that they'd be 2 feet too long on me, which they were/are. (Hemming is required!) I fell in love from the moment I saw them though, and had to have them. They are such "stage" jeans. When I came out of the dressing room the woman was on the phone getting a price. She said "they're 98 dollars." I was like wow, that's a steal of a deal.

Now, I wouldn't normally spend 100 bucks on jeans, heck, I don't like spending more than 30 dollars on jeans, but I LOVED them and it was the freaking Hamptons. Before I left my house I told my mother that I wanted to buy something cool there. There ya go. I don't even feel guilty about it because I didn't spend any money the rest of the weekend. (I tried to buy C. dinner and her rents lunch yesterday, but they wouldn't have that. C. actually slipped the waiter her credit card when we walked into the restaurant Saturday night. I will be sending flowers or a fruit basket to the house.)

The ferry ride back

The Hamptons!

The beach
Me and C.

The view from C.'s back yard, looking down the canal. Nice huh?

So I'm back. I'm going to try and not make this too long. I've posted lots of pics too, as you can see. I'm going to try and keep this all positive...about the fun things and NOT about my weight or my slight freak outs. We'll leave that for later.

My boss flew me over to the Hamptons on Friday. It was a 12 minute flight. Hey, if you're going to the Hamptons you've gotta live like a Hamptonite, right? It was a blast. My old college, C., roommate picked me up and we drove to her house, about 5 minutes away. We hung out at the by the pool, which overlooks the canal, for the day. Then we went to dinner and did a little shopping. I bought THE BEST pair of jeans in the world, but you're going to have to wait to read about that one. Actually, I am going to post those right after this so you will actually see them before you read this post.

Saturday morning we woke up and were on the beach before 9 AM. We were the only ones there. Took a nice long walk, took some pictures of the scenery and us being goofy, then headed back to our towels. I decided to do some skimboarding in which I preceded to wipe out big time on my first run. I soon realized that this beach wasn't conducive to skimboarding because of the slant and because the waves were coming too quickly. So, I quit doing that before I ended up killing myself. I was mad (of course) that I didn't do well at it, like I usually do. Laid back down and got tan then I saw some guys playing beach volleyball and asked them if I could play. I joined in and dove and got sand all over me. Absolutely loved that!! Although, I was concerned that I wouldn't get tan through the sand. It was all sticking to me because I had oil on. It was about 1:30 when we left the beach. Went back to the house, ate some honeydew, then went out on the boat. After that we showered and went out to eat and out to a bar after to hang out.

Sunday we woke up and the sun came out around 10:30, after a pretty hard rain at night I guess. Laid out by the pool, went to lunch and then I caught the ferry ride home. It was an awesome weekend. I had so much fun hanging out with C. and her rents. Very nice people.

Sunday, August 20, 2006


I just got back from my weekend in the Hamptons. It was beautiful, but I am faaaatttt!!! I can't deal with it and I am not eating again until 2012. It's not like I really even ate that much. I had my fiber one yesterday, some nuts, honeydew, and too much at dinner (bread and a little pasta with grilled chicken on it)...blah!! Now I am fucking 2,127 pounds. I know because I just weighed myself.

I have to get up extra early tomorrow so I can workout because I have to leave the stupid gym at 7:50 so I can get to D.'s for my appt. I should just cancel so I can workout! Fucha (means seal in Portuguese).

I can't write about my trip right now because I am too focused on how fat and gross I am. I will write about it tomorrow when I am hopefully in a better frame of mind. I will also download my pics and post some.

I guess I should just go to bed so I can get my fatass up to workout.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

See ya!

All right guys, I'm outta here. Well, just for the weekend. I may get one more post in tomorrow morning before I jet off to the Hamptons. I just did laundry and got some of my stuff ready to go. I always bring too much, and now that it's cool at night I need to bring more stuff. Plus, who knows if we're gonna hit the town. I may meet my future husband. Highly doubtful, but whatever.

So, I just got an email from D. and she will not let me see my file when I go to her on Monday. I don't understand what the big deal is. Afterall, it's a file on ME. I should be able to see it!! I think this really bothers me. I mean, what the hell's the big deal? She says I won't understand what's written down, but that's my problem. I want to fucking know!!

Aw fuckers! I know, the language. I just thought of something. I have to go see her at 8 AM, which totally cuts my gym time short by atleast a half an hour and I'm going out Monday night so I can't go back to the gym after work. Errr. I think I'm going to have to get up extra early because I won't be getting a workout Saturday or Sunday. Shiites. Great, now I have this to stress about. I should just cancel that way I can workout. I don't have anything to talk about anyway. I just want to see my damn file. If anyone has any insight as to why she won't show me my file (IT'S MY FREAKING FILE), please do share. I think it's my perrogative to know what she is saying about my life. Again I will say that it's MY LIFE!!! Maybe I should start expressing how I really feel about this.

Okay, now I'm just getting mad so I need to stop thinking about that. Fuckers, I need to lose 10 lbs. (I never swear this much. What's up with that?) I'm working out for 27 hours tomorrow, before I leave.

I just played my drums and managed to not hit myself in the hand or face with my sticks for once. I should really go pack my crap but I don't feel like it. I need a massage. I'm calling my friend J. now. She didn't answer. FYI, this was my paragraph of randomness.

So, come tomorrow I will be away from the computer until Sunday. I still can't believe people actually read this piece of junk. See ya'll Sunday...and tomorrow morning.

The good, the bad and the model

It's been a crazy day. It started off, okay. I went to the gym and ran 5 miles. Was hoping to go 7 miles but my body wasn't having that. My hip tends to pop out of place sometimes. It's not all that painful, just uncomfortable for the most part. I can't feel it when it happens but I know it's not right. It's only been really bad twice. Once, after a game in college when I was out shopping with my rents I thought I was going to collapse in the store because I thought it was going to snap. Another time I couldn't really walk but I still went and played tennis anyway and it loosened up a little. Ha!

So now my right hip is higher than my left, but it's ok. I'll pop it back into place at some point. I just have to wiggle around a little to get it back.

Oh, so I didn't run 7 miles. I only did 5. Blah. Not happy about that. Then I got on the elliptical but couldn't stay on that long because it was already 8:30, time for me to be at work, and my boss was there. I had to get out of the gym before he got out of the shower. So, I did 20 minutes on there. Not enough!! I wanted to stay on longer. I burned 500 calories today, which was better than yesterday, but still not good. Tomorrow I have the day off so I can stay at the gym for as long as I want to!!

Tomorrow I am heading to the Hamptons for the weekend. My boss is flying me out there. He said it's a 17 minute flight. Totally beats a 30 minute drive to the ferry, and hour ferry ride (which is enjoyable) than another 1 ride to her house. 17 minutes...ahhhh.

I won't get into the me freaking out because I won't really get to work out and I'll have no scale because I already wrote about that.

I'm so excited to see my old roommate, go to the beach and just hang out and sing RENT at the top of our lungs. It will be just like the old days.

I went into the office this morning, then to visit my grandma. She got moved to a convalescent home right near my office. I could literally walk there. I didn't realized it was so close. It was nice to see her and she looks good. Hopefully she won't be there too long.

After work I went to the grocery store. Bought 10 boxes of raspberries (buy 2 get 3 free), Almond Accents, usually $4.50 a bag, onsale for $2.99, and apple juice for the boys (also buy 2 get 3 free). I LOVE the freaking grocery story!! I get so excited on Wednesdays when the sale pamphlet comes in the paper. That's my excitement for the day! How sad.

Ohh, almost forgot...I got an email from the model, A.!! Wooo Hoo!! I figured what the hell. Let me email him. So I did last night and I heard from him this morning. He said he was taking some time off from the gym (He just got back from Milan last week) and when he was ready to workout again he'd come to the gym so I could "whip his ass into shape." Hey, I'll just whip his ass. Just kidding...maybe. ;) I'm sure that he won't come looking for me. Afterall, he IS a model and is around models all the time, why would he want to hang with me. Although, I don't even need a date with him, although I would really like one, but we can just hang out and I'd be fine with that. I just hope he's not thinking that I'm totally after him. I don't want him to think I think he's totally hot and I want to go on a date with him because I know he's not interested in me.

Okay, rambling. I need to wash my car.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Another crappy workout

I'm kind of freaking out this morning because my workout sucked. I only got to do an hour of cardio and only burned 334 calories. Completely UNacceptable. I was going to come home and run on the treadmill, but my mom was home so I didn't do that. I'm going to have to do something else later or I will flip. I could just not eat the rest of the day but I know that that really won't happen. There's always my "cleansing drink," which I have sitting in my fridge because I made mass quantities of it.

I'm just extremely anxious about this. Probably because I wasn't happy with my workout yesterday and I know I won't be getting good workouts this weekend. AH! Atleast when field hockey practice starts I will be working out in the afternoon with my players. There's one positive.

I hate this.

I was working out next to this girl who I went to high school. She was hospitalized for anorexia a few times in high school. So, I'm sure she totally sees the obsessiveness in me. I got off the elliptical and was like "Ugh, that was so not a good workout." She gets it. She was like "email later if you want." So nice.

Okay, I need to do some work.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

A weekend away...

And I'm freaking already. I'm going to the Hamptons...yes, the Hamptons on Friday to see my college roommate whom I haven't seen in 3 years, maybe four. Here's the problem, I won't be able to go to the gym on Saturday or Sunday and I'm already starting to freak out about this.

I talked to her today and she said she would go for powerwalks with me. Okay, walking is good, but she's not exactly into working out, so I don't know how much "power" these walks will have. They need to be long walks too.

I'm thinking I can get up and run first thing in the morning, or run on the beach, but I don't know if that would be rude or not. I can't be like "Good morning. I'm going running now. Bye!" Oh, C. and I can walk on the beach. That would be nice. Maybe we'll run into Kelly Ripa, who weighs all of 2 lbs. I'd like to look like she does.

Oh no, her parents will be there too, so what if they go out and buy or make breakfast and want me to eat crap like muffins and shit. Ahh! They are Italian, as am I, and they'll be like "Eat! Eat!" They're not exactly healthy eaters either. Oh, now I've got two things to freak out about. Ahh.

So, I'm going to this beautiful house, in this beautiful place, to hang out with my roommate whom I haven't seen in years and I will be freaking out. I wish I could just go and enjoy it without having to worry about anything!! I wish I could just go and relax. RELAX...what the hell is that??

I know I will have a blast and be okay. Shit, I won't have my scale either. I just realized that. I don't do well without my scale. As long as I really don't eat much, I should be okay...I hope.

I'll still manage to have a good time. I know I will. I just wish I could be completely free of any fears and obsessions for the weekend. Just once.

Freaky weird dreams

Two weeks ago I had a dream that my new car was struck by lightening while it was in my garage. The hood caught on fire, so I ran next door to get a fire extinguisher from my neighbor. There was more to the dream but it's irrelevant.

Last week I cat sat for my neighbor. I told Mrs. H my dream when I was over there getting the key. She said, "We have a few extinguishers here."

Fast forward to 45 minutes ago...I turned the oven on so I could make "protein cookies." I happened to glance over at the oven while it was preheating and noticed light in there. Now, our light hasn't worked in there for years so I thought it was bizarre that it was light. I had also smelled something burning, but thought it was the candle in front of me. I did wonder why all of a sudden it smelled like it had just been lit though.

So, I opened the oven and noticed that the coil was on fire. I turned it off and watched it for a few minutes and it didn't go out. It started to look like it was getting a little bigger (it wasn't that big at all, more like the flame on a bunsen burner) so I went next door and asked for a fire extinguisher. I ended up not having to use it but the whole thing was just weird. I mean, I wouldn't have thought to go over there and get one if it wasn't for that dream I had. WEIRD!!

Last night I had another dream. This one is weird too. I woke up thinking that it was really bizarre and cool. I dreamt that I was sitting on my floor watching tv and my dad was on the coach. On came a music video that had never been aired before by CDJ (Carolyn Dawn Johnson). I watched the video closely and remember thinking how much I liked the song. Midway through the video the music stopped, like someone had muted the tv. So, I asked my dad to give me the box (remote, we call it a box) so I could rewind the tv (gotta love DVR). I rewound the video only to find that he didn't mute it and that the music really did stop. Towards the end of the video, the music came back on and a voice said, "That is what happens when you are 'in the moment.' Everything around you stops and all you see and here is the thing you are focused on." In this case, it was CDJ and her husband so caught up with each other that they oblivious to everything else around them. In the video they were driving in a convertible with the top down, down a country road.

Here's the weird part, neither the song nor the video exist in real life. I remember so involved in the video and loving the song too, but they don't even exist. I must have written the song in my sleep or something. I so wish I could remember the lyrics and the melody. Maybe it will come back to me. I am just amazed by this whole thing. It's all so weird. I'm still kind of confused about the whole thing.

Monday, August 14, 2006

It's not "cool"

I remember sitting in my coaches office, ready to somewhat tell her that I had some eating issues. I had called her up after a game one night and left a message on her voicemail saying that I wanted to talk to her about something. She called me back that same night and asked me what I wanted to talk about. I told her that it wasn't urgent and we could talk in her office. She told me to stop by in the morning.

My heart was pounding as I walked up the stairs to her office. I just remember thinking I can turn around and not go in there. I went in, but I lucked out. She wasn't there. I was so relieved, but I still knew she was going to want to know what was up so I went back in later that day. I was hoping she wasn't going to be there, but she was. I asked her if I could shut the door and we sat down and started chatting. I wasn't sure what to say to here because I knew I wasn't going to come out and say that I had an eating disorder. I knew my eating was messed up, but I wouldn't say that I had an ed. I still don't consider myself as having one. So I said "I don't eat enough." She was like "I know." She asked me some questions, but she knew I didn't eat enough. She'd see what I'd eat on road trips. She'd see me pass up food and make desserts for road trips, but never eat them. She'd see my legs shake uncontrollably after a game or a tough practice. (I don't know if that had anything to do with my eating. They still do that after a hard workout). She knew the signs because she, herself, had an ed. She played for the U.S. National team and had to leave because of it.

We sat and talked a little bit about options. I told her I didn't want to seek help for anything and didn't want to tell my parents. It's not like I was in any danger. She said if she thought it was necessary for me to talk to someone then I would have to, but she wanted to see what was going on.

It was the end of the school year, so she said she'd work with me over the summer. Because she was my coach, she didn't want to get "too involved," but she did want to help. She had me keep a food journal and an exercise log, and I went to go see her once a week to report in. I don't know if I fooled her into thinking that I had changed, but I didn't change at all. It didn't matter because I went on to play and we never discussed it again.

I remember one thing very clearly that she said to me when I was in her office that day. She said "you know it's not cool to have an eating disorder." I was like, "I know!" That kind of bugged me. Did she think I was trying to be hip by not eating enough or working out too much? Did she really believe that I thought that that was a cool thing to do?? Obviously it's not cool. Although these days it seems that a lot of girls do think it's cool to be anorexic and bulimic, until they find themselves fully engulfed in the disease. It's too easy to get sucked in by it and you no longer have control. IT controls you!

I still see her and I always wonder what she thinks when she sees me. I try to wear something that makes me look skinny. She's skinny, so I have always looked at her thin arms and envied them. I feel like she's thinking oh, she gained weight, or oh, she lost weight. There is one guy that works in the athletic department there and he always tells me I am too thin when I see him and asks me if I eat. He did come right out and ask me if I was anorexic once. I laughed at him and said "No!"

I'll be seeing these people soon, which makes me want to lose weight even more. I don't know why that's the case, but I just want to be really skinny when I see them. I don't know what that's all about.

The morning workout

I've taught the early morning (5:45 AM) aerobics class two Mondays in a row now. I taught the same exact class Saturday morning at 8 AM. This morning when I taught, I only burned 200 calories. Saturday I burned 350 calories and the class was 5 minutes shorter. Other than that, it was the same exact class. Did the same things, etc. Now, I don't remember the amount of calories I burned last week when I taught early, but I remember that it was not a lot. I also noticed that my heartrate was extremely low (58 bpm) when I got in my car to leave the gym. It's never that low after I workout. I attributed it to dehydration, which still may have played a part in it, but I don't know. It is definitely lower when I am tired like that.

I find it very interesting that I burned 150 calories more when I taught the class 2 hours later. I am wondering if it has something to do with my body being more awake. That's what I'm thinking. The experts say that it doesn't matter what time you workout. There are no benefits to working out in the morning rather than at night, or vice versa. But, in my own little, and short study with myself, I think it might make a difference. I am very curious about this now. If working out at night is going to make me burn more calories than in the morning, then I'm doing it. Okay, maybe I'm not. I am stuck in my routine of getting up and going to the gym. I feel weird if I don't get up and go. I am however, going back tonight to take a spinning class. That will make 2 hrs 40 minutes of cardio for me. That works, considering that I only burned 350 cals teaching an hour class and doing 40 minutes of cardio after that. Another 350-400 will be nice.

Sunday, August 13, 2006

A day at the beach

Didn't go surfing yesterday for a variety of reasons. First, the surf report said that the waves sucked. Okay, it was more like "the waves are below knee high." It was also freezing out. We got a late start so we would have hit tons of traffic driving there and it would have been annoying. I didn't feel like driving there anyway, so it all worked out.

Went to a beach about 10 minutes away. I never go to the beach here because I don't like the beaches here. I don't go in the water and the beaches aren't all that nice. Ooh, let me throw in some pics before I forget. Okay.

We got to the beach and my friend Y. lathered up because she's pretty white. I, on the other hand, sprayed on the spf 4 oil. (I know, I know). I did have her put some 15 spf on my back. As she was rubbing it on she said, "you are so tiny!" I was like, "what?" She said, "You're smaller than my roommate." Um, okay, that is SO NOT true. I have seen her roommate and she is skin and bones. She's a Radio City Rockette so she dances all the time. I guess she was anorexic at one point in her life too...surprise surprise.

I was blown away by that comment. I know she's not going to lie to me and she wouldn't tell me that I was "so tiny" if she didn't really mean it. The thing that gets me is that I DON'T SEE IT!!! So it always shocks me when people say things like that to me. I guess I felt tiny to her.

Y. doesn't know I have body/eating issues so I didn't really say much when she made that comment to me. It still kind of just blows my mind.

Later on that afternoon we were lying on the beach. I sat up and said, "Am I really hungry or am I just bored?" I then laughed about that and so did she because it sounded really funny for some reason. I sat there for a minute and realized that I really was hungry, so I grabbed a yogurt. I want a shirt that says that on it, or I want to write a song called "Am I really hungry or am I just bored?"

I loved that I asked myself that question though. I was getting antsy sitting there so I wanted to make sure I was hungry and really not just bored. I don't usually eat out of boredom anyway, but I just wanted to make sure I really needed to eat. I ate breakfast at 7 am, taught a class, had a little snack, but by 2 pm I guess it was okay to eat a yogurt.

The beach was nice and relaxing. We saw NO hot guys. We did see this skinny man in a bright green weenie bikini. He was SO thin. His legs were as fat as my arms. It was gross.

Y. kept commenting on how there were no hot guys. Then, when we went out last night and saw no hot guys she realized why I have not been on a date since 1957. She was like, "You need to get your ass to NYC!" My town's a little, hmm...shall I say...BORING!

So that was our day at the beach. We took funny pictures of each other. She's an actress so she was posing for the camera. She insisted on taking a picture of my stomach because she seems to think it's awesome. Um, okay. We had a blast hanging out and none of those pictures will end up anywhere. I never let people take pics of my in my bikini, unless I am wrapped up towel.

I saw this woman from the gym which was weird because she saw me in my bikini. Now she knows what's underneath my clothes. Good thing I don't see her too much at the gym. That was a little weird. I always feel like people are going to think That's what she looks like? She spends all this time working out and that's what she looks like? So, I'm glad I only ran into that one gym person.

That's all. I need to go stir my sauce which splattered on my back before when I was bending over by the stove. Nothing like a little burn mark on your back from sauce. ;)


We had a bit of a scare with my grandmother the other day. I guess she's still not out of the woods but things are looking better.

She went into the hospital on Monday to get her meds changed. My mom picked her up Wednesday, brought her back here, then she went back to the hospital via ambulance Wed. night. She was about to get released on Friday when her pulse fell dramatically and something else happened too. Her heartrate was 36. Things weren't looking good. This was about 4:30 Friday afternoon when all this went down. I said to my mom, "Should I get ready so we can go to the hospital?" She said "you want to come and see her like that?" I said, "Well, I want to see her." Thinking that that would be the last time I saw her.

I had to go over to the house I was dogsitting and feed and let the dogs out before we left. On my way there I had this calming thought about my grandma. If it's her time to go, I'm okay with that. She's lived a good life, but had a rough few years. She's 86 and what will her life be like when she gets out of the hospital? Maybe it's her time. Even though I don't want to her die, it may be what's best for her.

I also feel bad for my mother, who's always taking her to the doctor and by her side everytime she's in the hospital. I know she hates seeing her suffer, and who wouldn't, And I know it's so hard on her.

I feel bad for my grandma too. My grandfather was killed by a drunk driver while he was on a business trip in Florida. My mom told me that before he left to go down there he said (to my grandma) "When I get back in two weeks, we're going to go down there and look for a place for us to retire to." It makes me so sad just to think about. I can't imagine the knock at my grandmother's door the day she got the news. I was only a few years old when he died and don't even remember him.

So grandma seems to be doing a little better today. Her pulse is more normal (They think it was the meds that screwed it up), but her kidneys aren't functioning all that well. She's very week but may get moved out of the cardiac ICU tomorrow.

My parents are visiting her now and I am making dinner for them. I just cut up onions to make sauce, and that totally killed my eyes, and I am going to make fettucine alfredo for my dad. My mom will have fettucine with sauce. I will have...hopefully nothing because I don't really feel like eating. I'm making lowfat fettucine so I may have a few bites of that. We'll see.

Saturday, August 12, 2006

No surfing today

Ended up not going surfing today. I will explain later. I only have a few minutes while my friend Y. takes a shower.

We did go to the beach, however it was just a local one. My face feels a little toasty. We had a good time.

Now we are going to shower and go out to eat, hopefully to this little place where I can get a salad with grilled chicken. A little protein is good.

I have some interesting beach stories that I can't wait to write about because then I can try and figure them out.

I'll be back tomorrow afternoon.

Friday, August 11, 2006

Hot model and a garbage truck

Okay, so the two don't exactly go together but they're going to be in the same post anyway. We'll go with the stinky stuff first...the garbage truck!

I was driving down my street last Thursday and this recycling truck was taking a left out of the cul-de-sac and chose not to stop at the stop sign and almost rammed right into me. I was a little pissed to say the least, but happy I didn't get hit.

So, I'm driving down my street yesterday morning, same time, not the same place and he almost hit me again. He was driving really fast and was on my side of the street, coming around the corner and he gave me a look. I was really pissed!! Next Thurs I am staking out my street at 10 AM and getting the name of the company and reporting that bastard!!!

Now onto the model. I met him at my gym around Christmas time. Um. I LOVE HIM!!! I blogged about it but am too lazy to make a link for that post. Well, he's been modeling in Milan and now he's back!!! He promised me a run when he came back, although I'm sure he forgot about that. He also said he'd take one of my aerobics classes, which I'm sure he won't. I haven't seen him yet, but I saw on his Myspace that he is back. I hope I do see him at the gym and if I do I'll probably feel like an ass because I totally stared at him when he was there last time and he so knew it. He was like "she's flirting with me," and I never flirt but I just couldn't help it.

Now some extras which I wasn't planning on writing about.

My ear is absolutely killing me. As disgusting as this may sound, I think I have a big fat zit in it and it kills. It even hurt when I open my mouth or lay on my head. I hope it goes away soon. I'm sure it's from sweating with my headphones on. Yummy! I need to lance this mother!

Surfing tomorrow, and I'm really not that excited about it. I just don't feel like driving 2 hours to get there. We have to leave later than we should because I have to teach in the morning. So that means we will probably hit traffic. Bummerocity.

Just got a call that granny is not being released from the hospital, like she was supposed to today. She went in on Monday for a meds change. My mom picked her up Wed and brought her back here. That night she ended up getting taken by ambulance back to the hospital because she couldn't move. She was supposed to get released today and now she's being moved to the cardiac unit because something's messed up with her heart and she is bleeding somewhere, my guess would be internally, but they haven't said yet, (and I'm not even a doc) because her red blood count is dropping. So that's that story.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Thursday thoughts

I'm going surfing again on Saturday. Guess the surf hasn't been so great though. I'm hoping that will get some waves and be able to rent some boards. That's always a plus!

I'm picking my friend Y. up tomorrow night and we'll head to the beach Saturday morning after I teach aerobics. Sunday she is going to come to the gym and workout with me, which will be fun, then we are going to take a power walk or run around my town so I can show her around.

Day 2 of dogsitting is almost done. They woke me up at 5:30 this morning, which I was not too pleased about. Let's hope that doesn't happen again tomorrow morning.

I had a somewhat decent workout this morning. I ran 6 miles and then rode the bike for 30 minutes. I would have stayed longer but I had to get back to my house. As of right now, I am planning on running again tomorrow. I just don't enjoy it all that much but I make myself do it anyway. My legs don't seem tired so hopefully I can do 7 miles tomorrow. Although, I say I'm going to run now and I'll get to the gym and probably end up doing the elliptical forever. I should take the weight class but my shoulder is still bothering my so maybe I'll just lift on my own.

My life gets crazy in 2 weeks when I start coaching again. The good thing about that is that I tend to workout with the girls during practice. I run with them and give them resistant band workouts, so I usually end up getting an extra workout in, which is nice and well needed. It's also 3.5 hours where I'm not sitting on my ass at work so I'm burning more calories. Hopefully I'll lose some weight.

Seriously, why can't I just lose 10 pounds? Clearly, I don't make a very good anorexic since I'm still fat. It was so much easier to starve myself when I was younger. What's up with that?

I have so many more thoughts but it's so past my bedtime.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Life when I'm 30...2 scenarios

I figured that now is a good time to do my homework assignment, only because I am bored out of my mind. What the hell am I going to do when I have my own place?? Serious boredom!!

I'm hungry but I'm not eating. It's after 9 and I need to lose weight anyway. But we've covered that before...many, many times.

Okay, my homework Part A: My life when I am 30, IF nothing changes.

Well, the answer to this seems pretty obvious to me. (there is a freaking fly on my tea cup). If nothing changes I will still be working out everyday, weighing myself too many times a day, obsessing about everything I put in my mouth or would like to put in my mouth and don't, how many calories I've burned, how fat I am, how much bigger I am compared to that girl. I'll still be freaking out about what I weigh, what my thighs and ass look like in those jeans, my fat, my fat stomach, my fat arms, my fat everything. I'll still be leaving a good time early so I can be awake for my workout in the morning.

Part B : My life when I'm 30, IF I wake up tomorrow and did not think I was fat and was not obsessive.

I don't really know. How am I supposed to answer this scenario. I actually did it already but it just got freaking deleted. I haven't been free of these thoughts and obsessions since I was 14 so I don't know what life would be like. Here's my guess...

I'd be happier, more free, calmer. I would have a lot more time on my hands because I wouldn't be spending so much time on this blog or on my scale. I wouldn't care how many calories I burned and wouldn't freak out if I forgot to wear my heartrate monitor to the gym. I could go out to dinner without worrying. I could skip a workout and have it not matter. I can do physical activity for pleasure instead of a calorie burner. I might wear clothes the "fit me better." I'd eat things that I want instead of eating the same ole thing everyday because it's "safe." I'd eat if I was hungry.

I can't really think of anything else. How am I supposed to know what my life would be like without those two things? Someone shed some light on that.

D., you're probably not going to be satisfied with my answers but I don't know what to say. I'm sure you will though. ;)

I guess I will go to bed now so I can get up and run! :0

No more field hockey :(

I'm sitting on the front porch of H's house, where I am dogsitting. I'm feeling really fat right now, as I sip away at my "cleansing" beverage. I can feel and see the fat rolls on my stomach and it's grossing me out. Atleast I can't see my legs because my laptop is on them.

Last night was the last night of field hockey. Very sad. I didn't realize that until we were playing. All the girls start their pre-seasons next week so while they're practicing three times a day and hating life (oh how I remember those days) I will be sitting on my ass.

We got to where we usually play on Tuesday nights but there was a lax camp going on. So, we had to go to my college to play, which is where most of the girls that were playing go anyway. As we drove up to the campus I got this sad feeling. The it's almost pre-season and I won't be going back to play feeling. Everything about the night just reminded me of college. The way the sun was setting on the campus, the smell in the air, the shadows on the mountain, and the look of the fields. Granted, the new turf field that they play on now was not there when I was there. I feel like at some point I need to get over this. I've been out of school for 6 years now and I'm still wishing I was on that team. The feeling I had when I was on that field was inexplicable. God, I miss it!

It was funny, while we were sitting at the other field waiting for the girls to show up, the girl I was standing with said to me "I remember the first time I played with you. I said, who's that girl? She is awesome." (we had played together once, a few years ago, in an adult game.) I remember awesome player? I don't think so.

I wish I could step out of the box and see what kind of player I was. I was never satisfied with my play. Even today, I hate when get out there and suck. I am never good enough for myself. I want to be awesome at everything. I don't need to be better than others, just good enough for myself.

Besides the fact that I won't get to have fun playing field hockey now, I also won't get the extra calorie burn. I would burn 300-400 calories in less than an hour of play...AND I WAS HAVING FUN!!! I don't have fun when I am at the gym. I'm bored out of my mind and I burn like 1 calorie. Okay, so like 350 if I do an hour on the elliptical, which is not enough. 400 if I run 7 miles. So, either way, I still have more cardio to do because that's not enough calories burned. 700-800 calories is a good day, but I usually only burn 500-650, depending upon the day. If I can stay long, like on the weekends, I can burn a lot more. But 650 is not even enough.

Ew, seeing those numbers made me realize that I have to workout even longer now. I wear my heartrate monitor, which I am obsessed with, which tells me my calories burned way more accurately than those machines do.

Tomorrow I shall run. My knee will feel weird and my shoulder will probably hurt, but I don't really care. Neither hurt enough to get me to stop. My knee isn't really painful at all, just kind of doesn't feel right. My shoulder on the other hand, can kill if I move it the wrong way so I just try not to move it in the wrong way. ;)

My back now hurts from sitting on this wicker chair so I think I will go inside. It's so nice out though. I'm supposed to go for a walk down by the water with my sis, her two boys, my sis-in-law, and her daughter. My bro just moved and my niece and sis-in-law leave in a few days. :(

So that's that. I may be bored and post some more exciting stories later. Ha!

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Weird thought

I had this bizarre, or maybe not so bizarre thought, while I was floating around in the pool today. (yeah, I know...tough job I have, huh? I did work a little today.) I'm not really sure how to explain it but I'm going to give it a shot.

I thought, why would the people that know me, I mean really know me, still want to be my friends knowing that I am "messed up?" I know I'm not completely over the edge, and I don't think any of my issues are really all that bad, but why would they want to hang out with me. They know I obsess about shit. They know what I think of myself, yet they still want to be my friends. Aren't they sitting there, especially D., thinking "hey, this girl has issues" when we hang out? I know I am not a psycho, crazy person, and compared to most of the world I am quite normal, but these people know my issues.

The thought that followed was this:

Most of the people in my life, including my family, have no idea what I struggle with everyday. (Again, my "struggles" are NOT that bad and I don't think I need sympathy from anyone because on a scale of 1 to 10, I'd stick myself at a 3 probably). I know people are much, much worse off than I am, but most of the people around me have no idea the things that go through my mind, or that I weigh myself 8 million times a day. It's just funny how you can sort of lead two different lives.

People see me as funny, caring, loving, a good role model, athletic, friendly...all of which I am, well I'm not so sure about the role model. My friend H. always said how she hoped her kids turned out like me and I always felt kind of weird about that because I thought you don't want your daughter to be anything like me. To obsess about her weight and stuff. H. knew that about me, but her daughter never saw it, which is the way I wanted it to be. I'd feel horrible if I ever had a negative impact on anyone, especially a young girl.

I never did, and still don't drink, never did drugs, smoked, got into any trouble. I respect people, care for them and help them when they need it. H. saw all those things in me as I was growing up and watching her kids. That's why she wanted me around them.

It's just funny how people see this side of me and don't see, only because I don't let them, the obsessive, self-defeating, self-loathing (that's a little strong, I wouldn't really say I "loathe myself," maybe just my body) person. They see the exercise fanatic in me, only because I live at the gym, but I don't really care about that. I don't care what people there say to me. I can't pee without people talking about it. Ha!

There was one morning that I wasn't at the gym because I went at night and someone called me up to see if I was okay because she didn't see me at the gym. Clearly, I'm a fixture. HA! It's somewhat nice, I guess.

Wow, once again I went off on a total tangent. Sometimes, okay...a lot of times my mind just goes.

Monday, August 07, 2006

Homework assignment

So D. gave me some homework to do until I see her again in two weeks. Knowing how obsessive I am, she knows that I will get it done in the next few days. Either that, or I will procrastinate until the day before I see her again. However, I've already done one assignment.

With that said, here is my assignment. She wants me to write out two scenarios, on my blog. The first being my life when I am 30, IF nothing changes.
The second, write about my life when I am 30, IF I woke up tomorrow and did not think I was fat and was not obsessive.

(What the hell would that be like??)

NOT easy assignments, I must say, but she makes me think, which I like...sometimes.

My last three "sessions" have been good. I'm not sure if it's because I rode my bike to her house or because I've taken over her "authoritative" chair!! ;) Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I was actually talking. I don't know. I keep harassing her to show me my file. I told her that I wasn't going to talk today until I saw it and that it was going to be a long 90 minutes. She said that my papers weren't all in one place. I still threatened her and told her I wanted to see it next time. I'm sure it won't happen. She said something to me about my reason for wanting to see my file, but I'm not really sure what that was. I think it went something like this:

D.- It's not that you can't see your file, it's why you want to see your file.
Me - I want to see it because it's the only thing I don't see or know. I want to know.
D. - I know, that's why I don't think you should see it.

It went something like that. I wasn't satisfied with that. I want to see it, that's all I know. I hate not knowing things. I want to know everything. Maybe it's a control thing, I don't know. So D., you know I'm not going to stop bugging you about that. ;)

So that's it. I have a few other assignments from her as well.

Tomorrow will be a busy day. I have to workout, teach a class, then hit the road for work, then play field hockey tomorrow night. My shoulder is still a little sore. Hmm, now that I think about it, maybe I will hit the road for work on Wednesday or Thursday instead. I'm sick of driving all over the state and I'd be doing a lot of it tomorrow, having to drive to field hockey too. I guess I should just get it over with though. Ugh...decisions.

Bedtime for me.

Turning 30

Okay, so I've got another year and a half before I turn 30, but I started freaking out about it last night while I was lying in bed. I would like to get married and have children, but for some reason when I thought about turning 30 last night, I thought that I should be getting married and having children soon, and that completely freaked me out for some reason.

I have no idea why I was so freaked out by that thought. I never really thought that turning 30 would scare me, and it's not so much the number, just what/who I am supposed to be at that age I guess. I don't want to be an adult. I like being what I am now, whatever that age category would be. I'm not going to think about it anymore.


I need a nap. I woke up at 5 AM to teach aerobics. Had a headache yesterday afternoon and I woke up this morning and it was still there. I took aspirin a bunch of times but it didn't help. I was just really dehydrated, which I never am. It felt really nice to jump rope with a headache, let me tell ya that. Ugh!!

I'm done writing now. I need to lose 800 lbs. Blah!