Monday, July 31, 2006

The Cleanse, part II

I think I'm going to start "the cleanse" tomorrow. Well, I'm not really going to "cleanse" just sort of use the drink to replace some meals and snacks in hopes of shedding a few pounds. There's no way I'm going to not eat breakfast because that would make my workout less effective. You need to jumpstart that metabolism first thing in the morning. It's not like I eat a lot, just a little fiber one cereal and that's really good for me so I'm not going to give that up. I just feel like this will help me shed a few pounds so I'm going to do it.

I'm not into the whole "cleansing thing." I think I may have written that in my last post about cleansing. Seems like a fad to me, though I do get the point of it, somewhat.

I woke up this morning and thought it was Thursday for a second. It kind of sucked when I realized that it was only Monday.

I'm trying to keep from saying that I feel really fat because I say that all the time. So, I won't say it, even though I kind of just did.

I think I'll go to bed early, around 9, so I can get up early and workout. I don't know why I think that will make a difference, I will still wake up at the same time. I'm playing field hockey again tomorrow afternoon, in the 100+ degree weather...ugh, so if my workout isn't "up to my standards" I will atleast get more of a workout tomorrow and probably pull my IT Band again. I'll have to make sure I stretch it really well.

So that's that. 21 minutes til bedtime...I hope. :)

Sunday, July 30, 2006

Surfing, sun and fun

I can barely keep my eyes open but I want to post about my weekend. I'm listening to the Dixie Chicks right now, as I did all weekend. Here's the long recap of my weekend.

I picked up my friend M. at the train station Friday night. We stopped at Stop and Shop and got some supplies for the beach then went back to my house. We got a little giddy as we tried on our wetsuits. M. put hers on backwards and was squeezin' her cleave out. My thighs were rubbing together in mine and making this loud swish noise. We were cracking up!!

Saturday we got up and headed to RI for some surfing!! We got there and there were no more surfboards left at the surf shop. PoutyOh yeah, first we had to find a parking spot, which was not easy, but luck found us and we found a spot! We grabbed all of our crap and walked to the beach. Ahhhhh...serenity. I skimboarded a bit then chilled on the beach. Um, the water was freezing, by the way. I was a wimp when it came to going in. M. just went right in.

I realized that I would not feel complete if I did not get a chance to try surfing, so I called the surf shop and they had their boards back. I went and got one and M. and I hit the waves. Okay, so we kind of sucked at first, but then started to get the hang of it. I actually got a few good Surfing Surfer rides. The first time I got up and rode a wave it was such an amazing feeling. It was like everything was in slow motion. I was on top of the ocean, looking at everyone on the beach and down at the water. It was just amazing. What a feeling.

Of course, with the surfing came some spills, and I took quite a few. I've got the bruises from the board to prove it, although they're not really visible, but I can feel them. I love it!! I love battle wounds! I just wish I could see them. Both my hips, ribs and knees are bruised.

M. got the hang of it too. I'm sure the fact that I'm "vertically challenged" made it a little easier for me than it did for her. She did well though and I hope she had as much fun as I did.

The car rides were pretty fun too. We rocked out to the Chicks. Both of us were singing at the top of our lungs.

Needless to say, we were exhausted after spending the whole day at the beach. It really was a "day at the beach" both literally and figuratively speaking. We had a blast. Okay, so there was some burning of the buns...and some mooning of the buns, not on my part for once (I wore shorts while I surfed and it's a damn good thing I did!).

It was pretty funny. M. decided to show me her burn marks and jacked up her shorts without realizing that there was a car full of guys driving by, and she was blocking them from getting by. So they saw some ass and leg, and from what I heard from them, I think it went something like this "oooh, yeahhh, woo hoo," but I could be wrong, they liked it. I was too busy laughing at her oblivion to remember exactly what they said.

So we got home, showered and ate. Okay, she ate and I wasn't hungry. Honestly! I don't think she really believed that I wasn't hungry, but I really wasn't. Not only does the sun knock ya out, it takes away your appetite, or mine atleast. Even if I was hungry, I wouldn't have eaten that much because it was after 9 pm. I would have had something if I was hungry though.

We woke up this morning and went downtown and had breakfast. We then went for a walk around town and I took her back to the train station.

So I haven't worked out for 2 days. Ugh! Okay, I guess surfing was a workout, but I don't count it as one. Tomorrow I hit the gym hard!! I think I'll run 6 or 7 miles. Hopefully I'll make it. I need a good workout and my body should be ready after having a break! We shall see. I did need it.

So, that's it. I have more to write about things but I'm beat. Ironically enough, nothing has changed. I sit here and feel this huge fat roll on my stomach. Blah!

Friday, July 28, 2006

Myspace back! No gym tomorrow!

Mine and my friends who lost their myspace pages all have them back. Wonder what happened. Oh well.

Going surfing tomorrow. Cannot wait.

I'm not going to the gym tomorrow either. Even thinking about not going the gym freaks me out a little bit. I wonder how I will be in the morning when I wake up and don't put my gym clothes on. Okay, even that thought is really weird to me. I get a little anxious thinking about not working out.

I know it's so important to take a day off from the gym, I just have a serious problem doing that. I tell people all the time, especially as an aerobics instructor, that their body's need a day to rest and rebuild. I just tend not to heed my own advice. I'm the exception to the rule. I must workout everyday in order to burn calories.

My body is quite sick of working out. I'm hoping I'll get a better workout surfing than I would at the gym. I know that I will have more fun! That's for sure. Maybe I can just accept the fact that my body needs to rest and that just surfing is okay. We'll see how that goes. I know I'm really hard on myself. I push myself and beat myself up over everything. So tomorrow, though I'll be in a bathing suit (let's hope it stays on while I'm surfing) I'll hopefully be able to be okay with not having worked out. Let's also hope that no one catches a glimpse of my white ass, if I lose my bottoms, which happened last time I tried surfing. Surprisingly so, my top stayed on.

Hang ten!

Myspace hackers

Myspace has been hacked. Apparently it hasn't effected everyone but it has effected MYspace, which I am not happy about. All my friends are gone. Sucks some serious butts. I guess things could be worse though.

That's really all I have to say about the situation.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

The Cleanse

I am half asleep but I thought I'd write before I hit the hay.

I got a little recipe for a "cleanse" from my friend D the other day. I'm not really sure about the whole cleansing thing. It seems like the big craze these days. I hate crazes. I like to do my own thing. However, I think I am going to give this a try in hopes that it will help me shed a few lbs.

I actually had two glasses full of the stuff today, but I ate, so it really wasn't a cleanse. I don't really think it's something I can do while living with my parents because if they see me not eating for three or four days, red flags may go up. We don't need or want that. I like to keep things on the "DL" (down low).

My hair is so nice and soft. Just got out of the shower and didn't put any product in it so it is silky. Plus, I got it cut yesterday.

My friend M is coming for the weekend and we're going surfing. I'm sure I will have TONS to write about Sunday night. I won't be around much this weekend, but I'll probably post again tomorrow before all chaos begins.

For now, I'm off to bed.

A good night/bad night...

I went to see the Dixie Chicks last night. I did a little gambling before the show...and I mean a little gambling. I'm not one for throwing my money away, but I totally have that obsessive personality that wants to play, play, play...just one more quarter. So I put in some quarters that I had in my wallet and played for a while with those. I ended up winning 20 bucks and never put any cash into the machine, just loose quarters. So that was good because I won some dinero.

Here's where it turns a little sour. I put my cell phone on vibrate and took it out of my pocket because I was waiting for a call and couldn't get it out of my pocket. As I put it on my skirt I thought to myself, I know I'm going to forget it's here and stand up and lose it. Sure enough, that's what happened. I got up and went to the bathroom. Got in the bathroom and thought..."shiites" I lost my phone. Ran back to where I was and the phone was gone. Gone I tell ya!! Instant bad mood and hating myself because I was such a freaking dumbass. I went over to security but no phone had been turned in. I was gone for 5 minutes, if that and my phone was gone. Grrr.

Went to dinner and called my phone obsessively. Went to the concert, which totally rocked!! I was standing, dancing and singing the whole night. Left the concert and went back to security...still no phone. BUMMED again!!

I was SO mad at myself because I just got my new phone a month ago and I NEVER lose anything or do something stupid like that. Pissed at myself!!

I kept calling my phone. Finally, on the way home I called and changed my cell phone message to a depressing voice saying my phone was gone! I called it again and someone answered. WOO HOO!! A lady found my phone and out of this whole area, she lives 20 minutes away. Thank goodness. So now, I am happy!

My dad is picking my phone up from her today. Ahhh, a sigh of relief. I'm breaking even with my winnings because I'm giving the woman some money.

I think the thing that made me even madder than my stupidity...the fact that someone would steal my phone. (At that point I thought it was stolen). That bugged me so much because I am such a freaking honest person. Guilt trips are the worst.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

An evening with "The Chicks"

I'm going to see the Dixie Chicks tonight. These chicks can rock. I saw them a few years ago in NYC. The talent these girls have, and everyone else on that stage with them for that matter, amazes me. These girls can pick up any instrument and rock out on it. Their energy onstage is awesome too. I totally want to be a Dixie Chick. I can go platinum blonde if I need to.

It's funny, their latest CD was a number one seller on the charts for a while, but their concerts aren't selling out, which was so not the case before the "Bush" comment. Many people don't dig the chicks anymore because of their political preferences and how they speak their mind, but hey, good music is good music to me, so I'm going to go rock out and have some fun!! Yee Haw!!

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Lots of ass pulling

I'm kind of hungry but I don't feel like eating anything because I'm going to go to bed in a few minutes.

I got back from field hockey about an hour ago and took a shower because I was drenched in sweat and nasty. I feel like I still smell. That's the worst. (okay, there are worse things.)

My cat just jumped up on the chair with me so hopefully she won't choose to sit on my keyboard.

So I pulled my ass again tonight. Actually, I think it's my IT Band because it goes from my butt to my knee. I did that same thing last week. It's all good though. I had so much fun playing. I feel like I'm back in college again...and I play like it too, meaning I dive for the balls and sprint my ass off. As far as my stick skills go, eh...they're not like they were 6 years ago. Oh well. That does drive me insane because I hate when I am not "the best." I don't mean the best out of the group, but my personal best. I'm never satisfied with my play.

Okay, I just got really tired so I'm going to go to bed.

It's a no go

I just got a call from my realtor and the offer I made on that condo was not accepted. The owner was "insulted" by my offer, but hey, whatever. I'm not rich so I offered what I offered and that's that. I was willing to go up 15 grand, but apparently I'm not going to get that opportunity. You know what though, I'm totally okay with that. I wasn't in love with the place. I really want the end unit one in the same complex which I cannot afford. I figure that things happen for a reason and the right one will come along.

So, what am I going to do about it? I'm going to try this whole manifesting your life thing and see what happens. I'm going to write down exactly what I want in a place. My hope is that this guy won't sell his place, will lower the price again, and then I will be able to afford it. Right now it is WAY out of my price range. It's 25 thousand dollars more than the one I made an offer on.

We'll see.

I'm going to play field hockey this evening. My knee feels weird, not painful, just unstable I guess. I'm not really sure what that's about. Been that way for a few days. Probably because I should really take a day off from the gym, but I can't do that mentally.

Time to get ready.

Monday, July 24, 2006

The mirror and me

I was getting ready for bed last night. I have this whole little routine, but then again, who doesn't? Anyway, I get changed in my bathroom, I don't know why, but I do. I looked at myself in the mirror and I got sad. Sad because everytime I look in the mirror I don't like what I see. My face is okay, my hair is okay, my body...not so much okay.

I think I got sad for two reasons. First, like I said, because everytime I see myself I don't like what I look like. I don't like that I'm not as skinny as I want to be. Second, because I work so hard to try and achieve this "perfect" body and it never changes. Why do I even bother working out so much? I don't know at this point, other than the fact that I would go insane if I didn't.

I probably actually get more frustrated and angry that I am not as thin as I want to be. But I got sad last night because I realized that everytime I look at myself I don't like what's there. That's the sad part.

I was out to lunch with my family yesterday and we were at this (to me) nasty restaurant. It's actually a great outdoor place if you like dogs, burgers, fish and other fried foods. I don't, so I just sit there while everyone else eats. It's a good place to bring kids too because there is a carousel. Anyway, I noticed this really thin older woman walk in. She got fried clams or something with french fries. She sat by herself and at the entire thing while downing a bottle of seltzer. I'm sure she was going to puke it all up when she was done. I felt bad for her.

I guess there's always someone worse off. I know I have it pretty good, so I'm not going complain. We'll, I'll still complain about all my weight issues, but that's it. :) I'm usually pretty complacent with the rest of my life.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Random stuff and the condo search

It's Sunday evening which means, back to work tomorrow. Ugh.

I woke up at 6:30 this morning. Why is it that when you can sleep in, you can't sleep in? That's so annoying. I did, however, take a little nap outside on the pool deck this afternoon, even though it wasn't that sunny.

I am once again feeling incredibly fat. Probably because I weighed myself and I hated the number. Which is also no surprise. Just a lot more than I want it to be. I'm hoping tomorrow morning it will be down again.

I know I should just stay off of that damn scale, but I can't. I just NEED to know how much I weigh all the time. That's why I freak when I go on business trips and stuff, because I can't weigh myself. I usually just eat salads but I still always feel so gross. Then I get all anxious and freak out because I don't know how much I weigh.

(I'm watching a Brady Bunch marathon. I'm lovin it. The "Marcia, Marcia, Marcia" episode is on now.)

So, I'm going surfing on Saturday. I'm sure there will be tons of stories from that outing. I was at the beach today and the water is absolutely freezing, which is the first problem. I HATE being cold. Absolutely hate it!! Give me heat, heat, heat!!!

I got the wetsuits the other day and I wrote about that already. Here's my other dilemma. I want to be skinny before I go on the surfing trip because I am going with my friend M and she thinks I don't, which means that she would expect me to be skinny. I know she is totally not going to judge me. She's so not that type. She's had her own eating disorder and isn't the judgmental type. I still can't help but think that she will look at me and see how fat I am when she would think I'd be skinny.

My other issue is the fact that we will be spending the whole weekend together, which means meals together. She'll see how I eat. Again, she won't care and I feel totally comfortable with her when it comes to all that stuff, but I still don't like people seeing how I am with all that stuff.

I can't wait to go surfing and hang out with her though. She's a really cool person and probably one of two of my friends that actually does what she says and I totally respect that and her for that. I do what I say and most people don't these days and that drives me insane.

Now onto the condo search. I made and offer and put a deposit down on one tonight. Ugh. It's not my dream place, but it would be fine for now. I made a pretty low offer so we'll see what the person comes back with. There was a nicer one I looked at, just not in the town I wanted to be in. I guess when it boils down to it, location is more important. So, I guess we'll just wait and see.

That's about it for now, I guess.

Sunday July 23, 2006

My horoscope for today. I love it!

Your world is getting better, as if someone is changing the radio station to your very favorite. You've been struggling but now, day by day, the lights continue to get brighter. Let go of the petty details and go for the adventure that's been in your dreams.

(does that mean it's flipping to a country station?) Winky

Saturday, July 22, 2006

Fed up with some things

I've got a couple of things to cover as I write tonight. First things first...

My body and my thoughts. I was just upstairs brushing my teeth, and weighing myself of course, and I thought about how sick I am of feeling this way about myself. I'm sick of constantly disliking (see Em, I didn't say "hating") my body and having such negative thoughts about it ALL the time. So, right here right now I am going to say some positive things, in hopes that they will manifest themselves into me, my life, and my body. I am only going to mention body things tonight.

Here is goes:

I choose to easily and healthily weigh between 92 and 94 pounds.
I allow myself to lose weight easily, quickly and healthily.
I choose to easily decrease my body fat percentage to 15 percent without having to work harder than I already do.

Okay, I think that's it.

Next topic...the condo hunt.

Went and looked at one I looked at already, for the second time. I don't absolutely love it, but my affordable choices for this region are quite limited, so I think I'm going to make an offer on it.

Okay, I started this post much earlier this evening and had to finish it now because there were too many people around. Now I'm too tired and going to go to bed.

Friday, July 21, 2006

A free an ambulance

I was on the treadmill next to my friend H at the gym this morning. (the one I'm not going on vacation with). I was running and she was walking because she can't run. She's had like 10 surgeries (literally) on her leg/knee, some quite serious. She got off and I kept running. When I was done, I went down to where she was to tell her something. She was stretching and her knee locked up. She said, "I can't move my leg." At first I thought she was joking because I couldn't figure out how she could have hurt herself stretching. I said "stay here!" (Like she was really going to go anywhere!) I ran and got a chair with wheels and we moved her. Now, she's 5'10" and I'd say 130 lbs...not at all heavy, but there was a lot of length to move. FYI, I would kill to look like her.

Needless to say, I don't think I handled the trauma/emergency situation that well. Although, she seems to think I did, but I don't really trust her word because she was is so much pain that she doesn't even remember a lot of what happened at the gym.

She screamed everytime she moved the slightest bit. We called 911 and I rode in the ambulance with her. She was in so much pain!! Luckily they put in a new ER facility less than a mile away from the gym, so it wasn't a long ride. Although, the bumps and turns killed her!

So, I stayed with her for a while at the ER. Her husband was there by the time we arrived, which made her feel a little better, I'm sure. All she kept saying was "I think it will feel much better if you just pull it (her leg/knee) out. We were both like, uh, I think we'll let the doctors decide what to do with ya.

So, that was my morning. I'm actually going to call and check up. The x-rays showed nothing so she had an MRI a few hours ago. I don't think they can read those right away, but I'm not sure.

I just talked to H's hubby. She's home resting and it doesn't sound too too serious (I meant to put 2 "toos" there), but she'll need surgery and won't be able to teach aerobics for a while.

So I'm home and was in the pool for a little bit. Everyday when I am in the pool I look at myself and get disgusted. I am so fat! I can't stand the way I look. I hate it! I hate it!! I hate it!!! I am like a freaking whale next to my sister, who by the way has given birth to 2 children!!

and I can't stand it!

I'm sure there will be more later. I guess I should be thankful that I can still workout.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

"The Achiever"

I'm a #3...aka "The Achiever" according to the Enneagram Test. It's a personality test. I found it to be quite interesting. Knowing myself, I would never have figured I'd be "The Achiever" HA HA!! Who me?

As an "achiever," I am:

Over-stressing the body for recognition. Working out to exhaustion. Starvation diets. Workaholism. Excessive intake of coffee, stimulants, amphetamines, cocaine, steroids or excessive surgery for cosmetic improvement.

Minus the last sentence, that's pretty much me. I don't drink caffeine (except for 3 sips of regular green tea in the morning to jump start my metabolism before I workout), and last I checked, I haven't snorted any coke, injected any roids or had any excessive surgery...unless of course you count the implants. Kidding, of course. If you saw me you would know that I am totally kidding. I often joke that I should put my bikini top on my butt and walk backwards on my hands so I look like I have a chest. Ha ha!

I am also...

The adaptable, success-oriented type. Threes are self-assured, attractive, and charming. Ambitious, competent, and energetic, they can also be status-conscious and highly driven for advancement. They are diplomatic and poised, but can also be overly concerned with their image and what others think of them. They typically have problems with workaholism and competitiveness. At their Best:: self-accepting, authentic, everything they seem to be a role models who inspire others.

I'm not sure if I agree with all that. Yes, I want success. I'm pretty damn charming. (ha ha). Ambitious, competent, and energetic...yes. I could care less what others think of me, for the most part. I'mdefinitelyycompetitivee and very authentic. People often tell me that I am a great role model as well. If only they knew!

If you're bored, take the test. It takes 5 minutes.

Bored and writing

I'm only writing because I have nothing else to do right now. I'm watching CMT's Top 20 countdown because there's nothing on and I'm not paying attention to tv anyway. I actually ate breakfast, or sat at a table with, (ha) the guy who's video is on now.

I was at a breakfast in Nashville and he was at my table. Actually nobody ate the breakfast because it was this weird stuffed French toast or something. We all looked at it and weren't quite sure what was in it. I think we concluded it was cream cheese.

So, I look like a huge freaking whale right now. I feel like one too. I know I write this all the time, but I guess it's better than not writing about it. I'm sick of it. Atleast I'm not eating dinner tonight. I had a huge salad for lunch with some grilled chicken on it, so I'm done. I told my mom I didn't want dinner so it doesn't seem weird. Maybe I will start to feel a little thinner in a few hours, but I won't get my hopes up. I just want to be skinny. Not as deadly as the picture I posted, but skinny!!

I bought a wetsuit last night for my upcoming surfing adventure. I don't know if I am going to wear it for two reasons. First, it's skin tight. I don't wear anything that tight. I know it's supposed to be that tight, but I can't be seen in something that tight. I would feel so uncomfortable, unless is sucks all my fat in and I look skinny. I'm sure my ass will stick out 20 miles though. Second, I would get horrible tan lines. We all know that I can NOT have that!!

So, that's that. I'd like to take a little nap. My cat is tapping my face with her paw. She's so sweet. The sun just came out a little. Oooh, I could take a nap outside. Sunburn 2. It's almost 5 PM so I wouldn't get any sun.

I have the biggest freaking fat roll on my stomach. It's grossing me out. I'd like to throw up, but I guess that's not really my gig. That wouldn't really make my fat rolls go away anyway. Starving is way more effective. I guess I'm not that best at the so much either. I'm more of a failed anorexic. I may "restrict" and deprive myself and not consume as many calories as I should, but I'm clearly eating more than I should because I'm not getting skinny. I need the stomach flu again. That was very nice.

By the way, I am in no way condoning starving oneself either. I'm allowed to do what I want, but everyone else needs to take care of themselves!

I was going to go play field hockey tonight, but I was gone all day, driving around for work so the last thing I want to do is get in my car and drive 30 minutes. It's probably going to rain anyway. I actually like playing in the rain, but not tonight. Besides, I pulled something on Tuesday when I was playing. I'm not sure, but I think I pulled my butt or something. It's happened before here, but it's hard to pinpoint because it kind of shoots pain from my lower back through my butt and down to my knee. I'm thinking it's my IT band. Of course, it hasn't stopped me from working out, and if I felt like going to play tonight it wouldn't stop me from doing that either. I don't mind pain and it's not that bad. I just wish I knew what it was.

Okay, I'm going to close my eyes for a bit. See ya.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

And they call this funny?

I received an email from one of my friends yesterday that I found to be quite disturbing. It was a forward with pictures entitled "To brighten your day." While some of the pictures were funny, there was one that was highly disturbing. It was a picture of a severely anorexic girl lying on the beach with the caption "I think I've changed my mind about fat chicks."

This girl is beyond disgusting, in my eyes. I don't know who would find her appearance to be even the slightest bit attractive. EVERY single bone is protruding out of her body, not in a nice way either. I admit that I want to be skinny. I want my bones to stick out. I would kill to look like Keira Knightly, Mary Kate or Kate Bosworth. So, I do find bones sticking out to be attractive and what I want for myself. A lot of the women that I would like to look like, others find to be too skinny. So, if I were to go by that, my perception of what looks good may be a little off, but I don't know. We all have different ideas of what we think looks good.

So, back to the picture. I struggled with whether or not to post the picture, and even now I'm still not sure whether I will stick it in here or not. I just don't think I can describe the picture well enough to portray what I see when I look at it. I'll try...

Literally a bag of bones. The grosses thing is her pubic bone sticking out. Her body is literally just skin and bones. That's it! When I say that she looks like one of those skeletons used in a science lab, I'm not exaggerating. I don't know how she functions. There is no way that this woman will be alive much longer if she hasn't died already. There is NOTHING to her!!

Even I, with apparently skewed perceptions, thinks this woman looks disgusting! So, I think I need to post the picture. DrStaceyny and I both contemplated whether or not post it for fear that people might use it as "thinspiration." However, I think seeing it is the only way for it to hit you the way it hit me. I may remove it if it seems to be an issue. I just don't want it to be used in the wrong way.


This actually came out smaller than it was in my email so it's harder to see what I saw.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Field hockey fun

It's 10 PM and a severe T-storm has just moved through our area.

The weather was, what I consider, perfect today. 100 degrees, sunny and humid!! I love it!!

I went to play field hockey tonight. They have open play two nights a week and tonight was the first time I went. It's for college players trying to keep in shape and better their skills. I was the "old lady" there but I really could care less. I could probably whip those girls into shape. My field hockey skills may suck, or atleast not be up to what I would like them to be, but I still had a blast. I plan on going to play again on Thursday.
Unfortunately, the game got cut short due to the weather. I saw this huge bolt of lightening with like 7 branches coming off of it and bolted off the field. I was like, "I'm outta here, girls. You should leave too."

I was sweating bullets. Sweat was pouring off of my face, arms and legs, and my shirt was drenched. There is nothing better than that. I love it.

I miss playing more than anything. I miss my coach, my team and the competition. I still see my coach and my teammates, but I can't find that competition anywhere. I can't even describe the feeling I had before, during and after a game. I don't know where or how I can ever get that feeling again.

Physically, after a game I couldn't move. My body was shot! I ran my ass off for 70 minutes, sometimes more if we went into overtime, and felt like I got hit by a mack truck after many games. My legs wouldn't move and I'd be ready for bed by 8. I loved it. Sometimes I wonder if my eating had anything to do with it, but I think it mostly had to do with the fact that I played my heart out. I gave everything I had ever second I was on that field. If that meant diving to get the ball, I dove. If it meant stepping on someone's heels to beat them out, I did it. (I know, I played dirty sometimes. I'm pretty fast so I didn't have to step on too many heels.) God, I miss it!!

There were many times I felt that I sucked. I walked off the field and was not happy with how I played. It only made me mad when people said I played well, when I thought I didn't at all. Kind of like when someone compliments me now, or tells me I'm thin. I'm like WHAT?!?

I can't keep my eyes open and I wanted to write more. It will have to wait. I need to go to bed.

Night all!

Monday, July 17, 2006

Condos, a wedding and a fat day

I'm on the hunt for my own place. I'd like to stay in the town I live in or go to the next town over from me. However, the cost of living where I am is kind of crazy. For example, a one bedroom condo that's 800 square feet is going for $215,000. Um, I don't think so. Apparently, the guy who owns it was originally asking $249,000 for it. Whatever.

I mistakenly looked at the one yesterday and fell in love with it. We called on the wrong unit for sale, so we thought we were seeing a cheaper one until my dad noticed, on the paperwork, that the unit # was not the same as the one we thought we were going to see.

I have my search listed for anything under 200, and that's pushing it. The most I could really afford and still have some money left in the bank would be around 170, and that's on the high end. Grrr.

So, I looked at two more tonight. The one I thought I was seeing yesterday, which was the worst out of all three that I've seen in the past two days. The other one I saw tonight was cool, but not in the town I want to live in and in the same complex as two of my cousins, who are in their 50's.

My dad wants me to make an offer on the one in the town I don't like because it's 40 thousand dollars cheaper and it's nice. I told him I needed to sleep on it. I'm just really afraid I'm going to jump into something and make an investment and regret it. That scares me. I guess if I hated it I could either try to sell it or rent it.

especially ones this big.

The Wedding...

I went to a wedding on the beach yesterday and it was absolutely stifling hot out there. The reception area had no AC and there was not a breeze to be found. Nothing better than having "swass" (sweaty ass) in a dress and having your fat thighs rub together. I love that! Not to mention the fact that I thought I got a splinter in my upper inner thigh when I sat down on the wooden bench on the deck. Atleast it was a casual wedding. It was nice.

Now, I LOVE this weather. I love the heat and the humidity. I'll take it anyday because I hate winter!!

Fat Day...

Isn't that everyday of my life? I walked into work this morning and my co-worker was like "you're not yourself today. What's the matter?" I said nothing and we just chatted. Then I said something about how fat I was and she told me I had body dismorphic disorder. I try not to say things about my weight or how I feel about my body in front of people, but sometimes I just can't help it. Today was just one of those (or moreso than usual) "I am so fat" days. I looked fat. I felt fat. I bet it has something to do with the fact that I need to lose 10 lbs!!

I'm exhausted. I have to empty the litter box and go to bed.

Saturday, July 15, 2006

More of the usual

It's Saturday night and I just got home from playing a little basketball at the beach with some friends. I haven't played hoops in years, but I thought the exercise would be good for me. Besides, it was a gorgeous July night.

Speaking of exercise, I had to teach a strength class at 6:45 this morning, then I took a cardio class, then rode the bike for 50 minutes. (we know how I feel about the bike...pointless, but I figured I had done 2 hours already so it was ok.) I did all that and I'm still fat.

My sisters seems to think I should cut down on my workouts and only go to the gym like 4 days a week because I keep complaining about how big my legs are. She says "they're all muscle." I hate them!! I don't even do any leg exercises, except when I am teaching and have to do lunges and squats and stuff, but I don't use any weight. Other than that, I just do my cardio and that's why they are muscular. I hate them!! I want skinny little twig legs. Drives me insane.

Part of me wants to quit working out so I can lose all my muscle and get skinny, the other part of me knows that I would go completely insane if I didn't workout. First of all, I would freak out about not burning calories, then I would feel like I was getting all flabby and obsess about that, and I would have so much energy that I needed to burn, it would be nuts. But,

I probably sound like a broken record, but I can't help it. I'm sick of being fat. I don't know if losing 10 lbs is going to make me feel any better, but I think it might. I just want to step on the scale, look down, and see the number 92! I don't know what would happen after that, but I'm not going to worry about that now because I'll probably never get to 92 lbs in the first place.

I've lost my train of thought. I've been chatting with a friend and now I'm really tired so I have no idea what else I was going to say in this post. I'm sure it had something to do with me hating the way I look and wanting to be skinny and all that jazz. That's usually the way it goes.

Time for bed.

Friday, July 14, 2006

The Numbers Poem

(Because I am bored and...I'm not a poet!)

Oh how I strive, to weigh 95.
How 'bout 94, would I want more?
What would it be, to weigh 93?
The things that I'd do, to weigh 92.
My legs are so fat, when I sit they go splat.
My stomach is huge, sticks out past my boobs.
It doesn't help that my chest is flat
but I don't really care about that.
I like when my ribs protrude out.
That only happens when I am laying down.
I know that doesn't rhyme, but I don't care.
I think I have stanzas and suntan oil in my hair.
I left my chapstick out on the deck.
But it's okay because I have 150 of them
but that's another post, perhaps when I'm done.
So back to those numbers, which I hold so dear
I obsess about them like crazy
perhaps it's from fear.
I'd really like to see a bony little me
with nice toned muscles like Keira Knightley.
I want to keep some definition and lose my big legs
I'd rather they look like skinny little pegs.
I won't get into muscles because I wrote about that once
I need some chapstick now, maybe fruit punch.
So that's the end of this artistic beauty
I say that with a smile and very sarcastically.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

I'm staying

I just got back from my "therapy" appointment. I was supposed to go on Tuesday but she had to cancel, so I ended up going today. I road my bike there because she's just down the street from me. I haven't ridden a bike (unless you count spinning class) in 10 years, when I was a freshman in college and used it to get to class. I'm sure I looked like such a dork on this bike, which I believe is a kids bike, with my helmet on. It was a good little workout though, I must say.

So, I went to my appointment. I was planning on going in there on Tuesday and telling her that I didn't think I was getting anything out of it didn't need to come back. She sensed that, as she has a way of doing ALL THE TIME, and shot me a little email about how it's beneficial for me to just go and talk, even if I'm not ready to make any changes. She said it will help me gain self awareness.

(She's not a "Psychologist" but a life coach/holistic health counselor. She does, however, have 2 master's in psychology, so the qualifications are there. She is really good at what she does too, but she's not your typical therapist).

Anyway, I went today and actually did more talking than usually. Nothing spectacular, but it did feel good. So now, I'm not quitting. We discussed my desire to quit. She can read me like a book. She had a really good point about who I have in my life that I can talk to, and while I have people that I can be completely honest with about my eating and obsessions, they have their own eating disorders so it's different. She pointed out that I can be completely honest with her about everything and she understands it because she's dealt with her own eating issues, yet she can "argue" with me about my thoughts and give me some logical things to think about. So, it's all good and I'm going again in two weeks.

Another one of those days

It's just one of those days when I just feel yucky. I woke up too fat (not that that's unusual) and then my workout was not good enough. I did 80 minutes of cardio, which was so not enough, and only burned 466 calories. Totally not enough. Now I am going to obsess about that all day and how my workout was not good enough. It's really never good enough these days. I need to spend like 3 hours there in order to possibly achieve something.

So, I sit here drinking my green tea. I have no motivation to do any work. I would have stayed at the gym longer but my boss was still there so I had to leave because he would have known I wasn't working. (I work from home a lot).

So that's that. I'll weigh myself obsessively today, again, not something out of the ordinary. I'll keep refilling my tea cup with hot water and I'll probably have a protein shake for lunch. Right now, I have to pee...something I'll also be doing a lot today with the amount I drink.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Why I fear "change..." and some other random stuff

I went to look at a condo tonight. Well, I didn't get to look inside of it, but I drove around and looked at it and it looked nice. I'm going to set up an appointment so I can check it out. It's probably a little out of my price range, but I think it would be a good investment. Besides, it beats having to pay rent and throw the money down the drain. That's why I'm still living with Mom and Dad. Plus, I love them but it is time to get out. It would be cool to have my own place. On top of that, I wouldn't have to eat if I didn't want to. :) That's key!

The question that popped into my head today was "why don't I want to take steps towards getting 'better'?" It's kind of funny when I say that because I don't really feel like there's really anything that I need to "get better" from.

Let's rewind for a minute and say I did have to get better from something. I think that it would be fear holding me back. Fear of getting fat. I fear food now, obviously not all of it because I do eat and am not wasting away by any means. But, I fear that if I ever had to eat "normally" that I would gain 8 million pounds. I can't deal with that. Probably why I have those frightful dreams of being in a treatment facility.

Here's where I have conflict. There was obviously some part of me today that thought that at some point I would need to change. I guess change is a better word than "get better." Like I said in a previous post, I am not ready for that. My question is why? My answer...fear. Fear that I will gain weight.

My blog is like a broken record and I'm surprised people actually read it, but it's the only place that I can say exactly what's on my mind and just write all my random thoughts out, even if they don't make any sense, which they don't most of the time. I can be completely honest here and vent and it's very therapeutic.

Speaking of this blog. I dreamt last night that my friend J found my blog but didn't know it was mine, although he kind of had a clue. So, he confronted me about it and was all concerned by the things I had written. I was so mortified that he had found it and tried to convince him that it wasn't mine. I didn't want him knowing the stuff that goes on in my mind. I'm not really sure how it ended.

So, I guess I don't really have anything else to say. I'm hungry, but I'm just going to go to bed. My eyes are half shut anyway.

I'm trying to figure out what I was thinking and I understood it myself and wrote it out correctly. I need to summarize for myself. I'm not ready to "get better" or change and I don't know why. The only thing that I can think of is that I am scared of gaining weight. I can't trust food or my body. My body doesn't want me to eat because I just get fat. I know it wants me to eat for energy, especially because I workout so much. (My workout today sucked, however). I just wish I never wanted to eat and was never hungry. I often think that if I was a stronger person I could just ignore my stomach growling and being hungry. Sometimes I can, but most of the time I eat. I make healthy, low-fat, low-cal choices, but I eat. Why do I let myself eat? Why do I give in?? Why am I not strong enough to fight it and just let it pass?

Okay, so none of that was in my thoughts today. I don't know where that came from but out it came. Now I am really going to bed.

Good Morning America

GMA did a piece this morning on shrinking stars. Among those celebs featured, Keira Knightley, Kate Bosworth, and Nicole Richie. If you want to check out the story you can here.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

What our eyes see

The chatter over Keira Knightley battling anorexia continues. I found these pictures online, you decide for yourself.

Here's what I think. She was not that thin in "Bend it Like Beckam." I thought she had a great figure, slim and toned, with a six-pack no less.

How do I think she looks in this picture?

Honestly, not that bad. Yes, I do think she is extremely thin. I would say that that is not natural. I'd like to see what her stomach looks like. I must admit, that I wouldn't mind looking like that.

Now onto the next picture...
Honestly, I love it. I would love if my back (wing) bones stuck out like that. I'd like my arms to be that thin, and I love the ribs on the side.

In my opinion, do I think she may be anorexic? Yes, probably. Check out the circles under her eyes. They are a little sunken in.

So, while I look at these pictures and think how I'd like to look like that and be that thin, others probably look at the and cringe and think it's disgusting. Funny how our eyes, or maybe our brains see things differently.

Nothing sounds appetizing

I don't know if anyone else has had this "problem," not that it's really a problem, but I can't figure out what I want to eat. I'll be hungry, but nothing appeals to me. There is nothing that I'm craving. I have NO idea what I want. It's really annoying.

I wonder if it has anything to do with the fact that I eat the same things all the time? I don't know. There is no food that I can think of right now that actually sounds good to me. Nothing. I just don't know. I walk around the house looking for something that might peak my interest but nothing does.

Anyone else ever experience this??

Monday, July 10, 2006

Today, I'm accepting

I'm sitting outside on my deck and it's an absolutely beautiful night.

So this morning I was walking down my stairs and I thought, you know what, I have an eating disorder and I accept that. Well, maybe not so much a "real" eating disorder. My guess would be something more along the lines of an ednos. I definitely don't fit the diagnostic criteria for an anorexic. Hmm, I could also fall into the "exercise bulimic" category, but I don't really think 2 hours of working out fits that criteria either.

So, I had that thought and I was like, I'm okay with that. It's the way I am and it probably won't change so I have to accept it. So I did...for now atleast. Granted, I would like to not spend every waking minute obsessing about my body, what I can and can't eat, what I wish I could eat, how much I weigh and how many calories I've burned, but I don't think that's going to change. Definitely not right now and who knows if it ever will.

I've been living this way for almost 15 years. Physically, my health is not in any danger. 1000-1200 calories is enough to survive on. I'm not starving myself. I'm sure sometimes I eat more than 1200 too. (Any anorexic is cringing right now at the large amount of calories I eat). I may push myself to the limits sometimes when it comes to my workouts, but part of that is the athlete in me...or so I'd like to think that. Who knows.

So, for now I accept that this is how I am. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but that's how it is right now.

I would like to experience what one day of "normalcy" is like. I can't remember what it's like to sit down and enjoy a meal without thinking or obsessing about what it's going to do to me. Or to just say "hey, I don't feel like working out today" and just not working out. (I actually say that all the time, but it's usually while I'm at the gym).

That just reminded me. A man at the gym, who happens to be a psychologist, said to me "what would happen to you if you didn't workout for a day?" This after I said, "I don't feel like doing anything." My response to him was "I don't know, but you don't want to be around to find out." He said, because I had to think for a minute, "You don't even know when the last time you took a day off was to even know." He was exactly right. I responded, "sure, I took the day after Father's Day off because I couldn't move off the couch because I was sick with the stomach flu."

So, that's my post for the day. My feet are getting cold so I am going to go make some green tea. I haven't had it yet today. :)

Sunday, July 09, 2006

Sad thought

I was laying out in the pool today, (I know, BIG shocker) and I looked down at my stomach and legs (I think I write this everyday) and got completely grossed out (again). My legs are just absolutely huge and I can't take it. All the fat and muscle just spread out all over the place just like in Ethan Lipton's song "I Like Your Thighs." Listen to it. It's worth it. I snort laughing when I hear it.

My stomach is also HUGE!! Like a big blob in the movie "The Blob." Really, really attractive. Atleast it's tan and fat. Better than white and fat. So instead of looking like a great white, I look like an Orca. I just really can't stand it. Why do I workout everyday of my life??

I came inside and must have caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror for me to have this passing thought...

It's sad that I hate my body so much. Why do I hate my body so much? I wish I could just be skinny. How can I be so disgusted by the way I look and despise my physical self so much? How did I get this way? It's really sad that I hate my body so much.
Those were my thoughts. It really made me sad to think how much I hate my body. It doesn't stop me from hating it or wanting/needing to lose 10 pounds. I just want to weigh 92-94 lbs. I don't know if reaching that weight is going to make me like my physical self at all, but I keep trying for it. From what I know, I'd still see that same body I see now, but it's worth a shot.

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Picnic and a hot guy

(Kind of like dinner and a movie, but there was no movie and I ate very little dinner).

The sun finally came out so I layed out. My ass stayed covered however, hence its whiteness. There was this one incident when it snuck out from my bikini in Myrtle Beach, but that's another story. It was definately NOT intentional.

I also washed my car, and made brownies for the picnic.

Oh yes, the picnic. Went to the picnic, didn't know anybody. Well, that's a lie. I did see this lady I met once. We both work for the same radio station but she does special projects so she's not at the station much. I didn't get a chance to say hello and feel badly about that. It's a very small station so maybe she would know me. She'd definately know me once I said my name. (ooh, aren't I a little celeb. Just kidding!)

I went to the picnic with my dance partner. I think people think we are dating, but we're so not. That's the problem with hanging out with a guy that you're not dating. You can't pick up other guys, not that there were guys at this picnic...

UNTIL this cute guy walked in. I had K (the hostess) introduce me to him. We chatted for a long time. He's an actor in NYC. We chatted, ate together, chatted, played frisbee, made fun of the guy who joined us playing frisbee, who never once said one single word. Strange. He was cute and nice, (the actor, not the guy that didn't talk). I did manage to get his email address too. :) I think I'll drop him an email tomorrow. Don't want to seem too excited.

So that was that. My feet got really dirty so I washed them when I got home. I just played my drums for a while. I had my earplugs in. Man, those things really work. I was a little scared that I was going to pop my eardrum or something putting them in there. Now I'm hungry so I think I will just go to bed. Oh yeah, I smell like bugspray. Yummy!

I plan on running at the gym tomorrow. We'll see. Everytime I plan on running I end up doing something else instead. I really don't enjoy running, but a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. Get sweaty and burn some calories baby!!


Waitin' on the sun

a girl can dream

It's 11:18 Am. I'm sitting in my kitchen waiting for the sun to come out so I can go sit my ass in the pool all day. All I see are clouds though. It was supposed to be such a nice day too. Hopefully the sun will break through the clouds and I can bask in the sun like a turtle on a rock.

I went dancing last night and managed to kick myself in the big toe with my heel. It felt really nice. When I crawled into bed I happened to look down at my toe. I thought, wow, I did a really bad job painting my nails. The polish is all over my toe. Then I looked closer and realized that it was blood and not the fuchsia (that does not look right) polish. I had split my nail in half, so now it's in a bandaid.

Now onto my grandma. She's supposed to be released from the hospital today. We're still waiting to hear. I guess she had a little bit of a gagging incident, so we're really not sure what that's all about. She sounds good though.

It's still cloudy.
I need to make a dessert for this picnic I have to go to this afternoon. I don't plan on staying long because I won't know anyone there. My dance partner and I got invited to go. Our dance teacher is having the party. I don't really feel like going but last night she was like "I'm having a picnic. There are the directions. See ya tomorrow."
Um...okay. I guess we're going.
I think it's getting more cloudy out.
I wish I could write a poem 'cause that would be fun
though I'd rather be outside, soakin' up the sun.
I still haven't showered from my workout this morning
I thought I'd be in the pool, but I think it might start pouring.
I could use a nap because I love to sleep
but I need to make a dessert that I won't even eat.
You know I can't get through a post without mentioning I'm fat
but I made it this far, what's up with that?
When I was in college, I was laying out.
The guys looking out their window started to moo,
unfortunately for me, that story is true.
I guess I should go and make my dessert
Probably brownies, they require no work.
I hope the sun will start to shine soon.
My ass is so white it's like a full moon.
Bye bye for now.
I'm sure there'll be more.
For now I say "later"
I'm closing the door.

Friday, July 07, 2006

Time to quit!

Okay, so I've been thinking about quitting going to my holistic health counselor/life coach. It's not that I don't think she's a great person because I do. I love her and think she knows exactly what she's talking about, and totally understands me, but there's really nothing she can do for me. I've got her stumped.

I started going to see D a little over a year ago mainly because my friend went and suggested I go check her out. I didn't like the idea, but was a little curious. So, I went. I didn't go there with the intentions of trying to cure myself of any eating problems that I have. I still don't, which is where the problem lies. I'm basically wasting my time and money.

I know that probably sounds horrible because she does make me think a lot about things and I do enjoy talking to her, but I just feel like it's pointless for me to go because I'm not ready to change. That's why there's nothing she can do for me.

I must admit, it is nice to be able to talk to her about anything and be completely honest with how I feel about myself. I've never been able to do that before. I know she gets it and is not judging me. Half the time I don't even have to say what I'm thinking because she already knows. So, if I do quit, I'll miss her, but like I said, I feel like it's pointless for me to continue going.

She reads my blog, so chances are she could read this post, but I highly doubt it. But, if you do read this D, don't take it personally. I know you won't. You know I love ya!

On another note, I was floating around in my pool today and was complete and utterly disgusted by my body. I looked like a beached whale. My legs are HUGE. My stomach is grotesque. BLAH!!! I don't know why sometimes I can look at myself and look even bigger than I did an hour before. It sucks! It sucks to hate the way I look and to be so fat. I want my bones to stick out, but why??

Thursday, July 06, 2006

3 anas and a mom

It was an interesting night at the gym. After my dance class I was chatting with this girl S that I went to high school with. We actually grew up right down the street from each other so we've known each other forever.

S works at the gym sometimes. Now, I'm not really sure what her deal is now, but in high school she was hospitalized for anorexia a few times. I've never discussed it with her, but I'm sure she knows that I know, but I don't really know if she knows or not. (Was that confusing) She was a year below me so we weren't friends in high school, but still acquaintances. She's still very thin, but you wouldn't look at her and think she looks sick. Her arms have muscle.

Anyway, we were chatting and flipping thru US magazine and others with stars in them, discussing their weight and bodies. I was pointing out how I'd like to look like Kiera Knightly. We also discussed Kat's battle with bulimia and how she's "all better" now, and the accusations about Kiera being anorexic.

When I walked out of my class I saw "the anorexic girl" on the treadmill. I've never talked to her before but I see her and her mother there all the time. However, they've started going at night now instead of the morning so I never see them anymore.

Anyway, as they were walking by I commented on how they need to come back and workout in the morning because there are weird people there now and not the regulars. I said "it's not like we've ever talked before, but I miss you guys." HA! They laughed and we all started talking.

So now we've got, S, the anorexic or recovering anorexic, although I believe she still has some issues there, J, the 16 year old girl who is anorexic, J's mom and me. What a combination.

Sidenote - I saw J for the first time last summer and all her bones were sticking out. I was even a little freaked by it, and that takes a lot. Meaning, I wasn't like "oh, I want to look like that." So, she is making improvements.

We all chatted for 30 minutes or more. I found out a lot about J, like she's 16 and has been home schooled for the past 2 years but is going back to school in the fall. My guess is that she had to be home schooled so she could go to treatment.

We talked about food...What she likes to eat and does eat, nutrition, diet fads. All very interesting stuff. The funny thing is, I know they both have eating disorders but they have no idea that I do. (Am I actually admitting to having and ed? Nah, I don't think so. I really don't think I have one. Maybe ednos or something like that, but that doesn't count.) So, it was all very interesting to me.

I'd like to be friends with the two of them, but that wouldn't be particularly good for their health. The last thing I'd want to do is interfere with anyone's recovery. Besides, J is like 12 years younger than me. I coach where she goes to school, not to mention teach aerobics at the gym so I kind of have to be a good role model.

So, that was my night. Bizarre and interesting. My guess is that S might have an idea that I have some body issues but J wouldn't have a clue, unless she just sees me working out a lot. Who knows.

I'm beat and going to bed. I should probably proof read my posts but I hate reading them after I write them so I'm just gonna post. I apologize for any errors.

A bit of a scare

My grandmother was admitted into the hospital last night, after series of doctors appointments yesterday. My mom took my grandma to the doctor at 11 AM and I didn't hear from her until about 2 PM when she called to tell me that she had to take her to another doctor.

The next phone call came at 5:30 PM to inform me that my grandma had to have a small procedure and she would be home in an hour.

At 9 PM the phone rang again. "They're taking grandma to the hospital" my mother said. "Dad and I are going with her." It was still nothing too too serious, just wanted to ere on the side of caution.

My parents got home around 11:30. I was fast asleep. Falling asleep was not easy because I did not have a good feeling about my grandma. I kept trying to rid my mind of the thoughts I was having about her. I don't even like writing about it now. I just feared that she wasn't going to make it.

So, when the phone rang at 1 AM I got really scared. I listened carefully to hear my mother's reaction to the call. When she didn't start crying I knew it wasn't bad news. The doctor called to inform us that they were moving her to the cardiac floor because her heartrate was too low. A phone call at that hour, especially when someone's in the hospital, is usually not a good phone call, but this one wasn't bad.

Okay, so I was still nervous and couldn't fall back to sleep. I hated having these thoughts and feelings that my grandmother wasn't going to live. She's 86, but still, I'm not ready for that.

It's now 24 hours later and she seems to be doing okay, as far as I know. My mom's trying to get in touch with a nurse on the floor to get the scoop.

I'm praying that she will be okay, but I still fear for her when she gets out of the hospital. She'll be very weak. She's told people that she just wants to die, and that saddens me. I just hope she'll be okay because I'm not ready to say goodbye yet.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Secret between friends

That's the title of a movie, but it's also part of my real life. I got the idea of this post from Fiesty Frida.

I know there's a made for tv movie entitled "A Secret Between Friends." In fact, I have it on tape in my library of eating disorder movies. I'd say it's the best of all the movies I've seen, and that's a lot. I still haven't seen "The Best Little Girl in the World" though. "Perfect Body" is a good one too.

Anyway, I've have my share of friends with eating disorders. Those you sit with and go deep into the ed with. My first real ed friend was in high school. S and I did everything together. We kind of figured everything out in chorus one day when we were sitting and chatting with a friend of ours who was anorexic. S and I started trying things out then. She was bulimic and I was more of the anorexic type. S and I talked obsessively about eating disorders and losing weight. We bought diet pills together, worked out together, starved together, (sort of) binged together, and watched ed movies together. Unfortunately for her, the school psychologist questioned her about her ed. I think someone had told a teacher, or someone, who went to the school psych. I remember that day like it was yesterday. She got pulled out of chorus and I wanted to go with her and protect her so badly. I didn't want her to get in trouble. I was probably a little scared that I was going to be the next one to get called down to the psychologist's office. That never happened though...Thank God! Our friends knew we both had eds, especially our friend who's mom is a psych. She scared us, and actually still scares me to this day, probably because she knows about me.

Then there was my other friend. She was anorexic. I don't know what happened to her. We went to different high schools. But we starved ourselves together, eating just fireballs and diet coke. Both of us played sports so we worked out a lot too. I often wonder what happened to her. She was bad and her coach caught on to her. I, still, was safe.

My friend now is bulimic. I don't know why I get stuck with all these bulimic people. I hope with all my heart that she seeks the help the she needs. She is the most stubborn person I know, but I love her. I try to help her eat healthy, but I can only do so much. She's a single mother and she needs to be healthy, not only for herself, but for her daughter. She needs to love herself and see what beautiful person she is, inside and out. You can read her blog, "Balance Quest" (see my side panel), which she hasn't updated recently because she's been running around like crazy.

So, A and I met at the gym about a year and a half ago and I knew right away that she had an issue. I guess it's like "gaydar" with eds. You can spot them from a mile a way sometimes. So, A and I worked out obsessively together. Now our schedules don't allow us to workout together. We ate dinner together (broccoli) and watched ed movies together. I think we made it thru all of the ones I have on tape, and that's atleast 10.

We still workout together when we can, chat and get together, just not as much as we did. It's really nice to have someone to relate to and obsess with. It does sadden me to see her struggle. I wish more than anything that she could get better. She needs to be in a hospital but would never go on her own.

So that's that. I really miss my friend S. She got married last year. I wonder how she's doing with her ed. We don't talk really anymore. I tried to keep in touch but she wasn't very good at it.

While I love having someone to commiserate with, I hate seeing the others suffer. It does help to keep you "on track" with the ed though, in what I consider a good way.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Can't take it

I'm done eating. Seriously, no more food. I gain 600 lbs by eating the slightest bit of food. I can NOT take it anymore!!!

I bought a ton of fruit to eat. Cherries, strawberries, blueberries, watermelon and pineapple. I know fruit has a lot of sugar, but I don't care. It tends to move through the body quite nicely.

So, I will have my normal breakfast, protein shake for lunch, and unfortunately dinner, whatever that may be. Although, my parents are pretty used to me not eating what they're eating so I will try to keep it very minimal. Of course, fruits and veggies throughout the day. I need to eat basically nothing in order to lose weight, so even that menu is too much food.

I guess I'm going to have to start working out more too. Ugh. Since it's nice out and I hate being in the gym when it's nice, I'll have to do my extra activities outside. Rollerblading is always fun. I can't take any more than 2 hours cooped up in that gym. Tomorrow I will workout for an hour and then teach a cardio class. Two hours of cardio, some push-ups and some abs!!

I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT!!!! I can't stand myself. I'm fat and disgusting. I was so disgusted by myself while lying out today. My legs are huge, my stomach is fat, and I have love handles hanging off of me. Now, that's really attractive. I just need to lose weight. I have to get skinny. I think starving is the only way it's going to happen.

Kind of funny how I sit here and watch a "Growing Pains" episode as I type this. Tracey Gold is my hero. Okay, not really, but I think she looked good when she battled anorexia. She got a little too skinny at one point, but for the most part she looked good. (in my opinion).

I am glad she managed to get it under control and get healthy!! I don't want to see anyone suffer. No one should have to go through that. I want everyone to be happy and healthy.

On that note, I'm going to go to bed. I have to work my ass off at the gym and start shedding some pounds...NOW!!! I AM SO SICK OF THIS!!!!

Monday, July 03, 2006

Stuff and questions I think about

I'm feeling extremely huge tonight for no apparent reason other than the fact that I am. It's really not like I eat a ton of food, but even the smallest meal makes me feel huge and gain weight. It sucks. It also takes me so much longer to burn calories at the gym too. I wish they'd just melt away, but they don't. I wish there was a magic pill out there.

Tomorrow we're having a picnic, which means tons of food. I always hate being in those situations because I tend to pick at things rather than sit down and eat something that I want. Most of the time I don't like the food at picnics so it's okay. My Mom is making sausage and peppers for tomorrow. Okay, I would never eat that in a million years only because I never did eat sausage. It looks like little intestines to me and completely grosses me out. You should see when it get refrigerated and all the oil hardens and is a big blob of fat, much like myself right now. I'm sure there will also be dogs and burgers, which I also don't eat. I made a fat free pasta salad which I will eat a little of but try not to eat too much because of the carbs.

I'm not, however, one of those "Atkins people" who won't go near any carbs. I do eat bread, I just don't eat it all the time, or a lot of it. Afterall, it is basically fat free. There was a period in my life when all I ate was bread and dry cereal. That's it!! I'd sit at dinner and eat bread while my whole family ate a normal meal.

There was a great email floating around about the "Fatkins diet," completely making fun of Atkins. It's true. Some people think they can eat a pound of bacon or burgers all day long, but can't eat an apple, AN APPLE, because it has carbs. I freaking live off fruit. I eat it all day long!

So, I sit here now waiting for my friend T to show up to go watch more stupid fireworks with my friends that I went with last night. Why do they freaking love fireworks so much? Atleast tonight I will be watching them with a guy, who I've dated in the past but "doesn't want a relationship." No relationship...don't expect anything from me!!

T drives me insane too because he is CONSTANTLY late and I can't take that. I am such a prompt and scheduled person that I can't stand when people are late. Seriously drives me insane.

Okay, back to me being fat. I talked about this the other night, but I often get the urge to want to throw up. Again, I am NOT going to go down that route, atleast not if I can help it. I'd much rather just starve myself. It seems to be a little "safer" in my books. No damage to the stomach, esophogus, teeth, etc. Not that starving oneself is "safe" but it just seems a little safer too.

Not that I am really starving myself. I'd say I eat around 1-thousand calories a day. Granted I workout a lot, but not enough to account for eating that much. If I could cut down to 5oo a day, that would be perfect...until 500 didn't do the job.

I have the same thing for breakfast everyday; 1/3 cup fiber one cereal with skim milk and about a tablespoon of reduced fat peanut butter. I eat my cereal out of these tiny little bowls that we have in my house. I don't think anything of the amount I eat, but when other people (not my family) see how much, or how little it is, they always comment. Whatever.

The fact of the matter is that I need to lose 10 lbs. TEN freaking pounds!!! That's all I ask for.

Here's my question to anyone who may have an answer. Does there always have to be an underlying issue or reason for having an eating disorder?? Can't it just be because I am fat and want to be skinny??

Also, I don't understand the whole "distorted body image thing." I mean, I get it, I just don't "get it." Make sense. I totally see how people see themselves differently than others and not how they really look. I have many friends like that. But then there is this part of me that doesn't get it at all. I KNOW that I see myself for who/what I really am. Every roll on my body. I see it. I know it's there. What I don't get is how others think I look good and don't see that. I know I'm not making these images up in my head. Mirrors and picture don't lie, and I can see myself accurately when I look down at myself. I don't get it!!

So, Drstacey asked a few posts back what kind of feedback from people would help me. If you can answer any of those questions it would be great! Thanks!

I'm going to get ready to go watch more exciting fireworks. (can you sense the sarcasm in my voice)?

Sunday, July 02, 2006

Fireworks and feeling fat

I'm trying to type but my cat keeps stepping on the keyboard. That's a problem!

I'm going to watch fireworks tonight with my friends at the beach. I really don't want to go, but I guess I kind of have to. I'd really just like to go to bed.

First of all, I don't even enjoy fireworks. I don't get what the big deal is about them. Plus, traffic will be horrible and bugs will be biting. I'll feel like a big piece of meat...oh wait, I AM, which brings me to my next paragraph!

I'm feeling and looking very fat today! Okay, so not just today but all the time. Life was great when I had the stomach flu and the thought of food made me nauseous. I felt like shit, but atleast I wasn't eating and lost weight!!

My legs are tired tonight. I taught two classes yesterday. Today I ran 6 miles, swam and went rollerblading. It's actually not that much because I usually would have done more at the gym but just felt like coming up because it was nice out. I don't really know why my legs are tired, but they are.

I have some Hydroxycut up in my draw, which I stopped taking back in November, but sometimes I'm tempted to take it, but I really don't think it does anything, so I don't risk it. Besides, I wasn't taking the amount they suggest you take. The bottle says to take 3 pills, three times a day. Um, I was taking two pills a day, that's probably why it didn't work, but I really didn't want to die or something from them. I'm always scared that I'll have a heartattack or something. The funny this is, I wouldn't buy them in my town out of fear that I'd see someone I know at the store. So, I'd buy them when I was like 30 minutes from my house. I still hated checking out with them, but I figured I was safe from seeing anyone I knew. I'm so paranoid with that kind of stuff.

So...I'm fat. I'm going to go to the bathroom, (pee), weigh myself and change my clothes to go to these dumb fireworks. Fireworks Smiley Fireworks It would probably be more exciting if I had a guy to watch them with!

Saturday, July 01, 2006

Looking back

I was looking at old pictures tonight, I mean really old. Vacation pictures from when I was about 8 or 9 years old.

My sister and brother used to dress me up in their clothes and my parents clothes for I don't know what reason. Perhaps they were bored or just wanted something to laugh at. Anyway, I came across one of those photos of me in my mother's bathing suit. I looked at myself and thought I wish I looked like that now. My legs were skinny, yet defined (I was a gymnast). The rest of me was thin and my clavicles stuck out, my arms were skinny, and I could see my chest bones a little. I guess it's kind of wrong that I want to have the body I had when I was eight years old, but I do. Let's be honest here, I haven't grown much taller since then, my guess is 2 or 3 inches, so to weigh what I weighed back then, which I don't know what I weighed, wouldn't be too bad.

I don't know, maybe that's messed up but I really do like the way I looked when I was 8 or 9.